Another Day

 

23rd May 2002 the trauma began when Eloise was diagnosed with myocarditis and ventilated in Bristol Childrens intensive care unit. I chose not to deal with the pain of this happening by boxing it away inside my head. It worked ok, protecting myself and those around me. Occasionally the box lid would lift and the horrors of what I’d seen and heard played on a loop inside my head. Until I’d slam the lid down again. Then in 2013 I started to write my blog and that’s where I let everything spill out. All my words, my emotions, feelings, fear, sadness etc spewed out. I shared, I over shared and I started to heal. Yesterday the day was beautiful, bright blue sky, sunshine and a trip out to a show and dinner with my mum. Just a day, not a traumatic event, not a flashback just a new memory banked. I’d made it through unscathed. 

            I don’t think I’ve moved on from the experience as such or learnt anything from it, I’ve neutralised the pain. I’m still emotionally involved but I’ve processed some of the feelings around that day and slowly shifted my mindset. Time has faded the experience as new memories are made, the intensity of the pain I felt has diminished.

                  I have spoken many times on my need to stay in the present, I think this keeps me focused and living in the current moment. I’ll always have grief and I’m not sure reaching acceptance is ever a thing but I’m definitely more in control of the date now. I’m more protected and others have some sort of level of understanding for how I deal with things as I’ve been able to be more open. Therefore social support has helped me navigate my feelings but not dismissed how I feel. 

          The pressure in my internal black box is very manageable now. I’m not trying to push the lid down so my trauma isn’t continuing to grow. I’m not threatened by it, haunted or fighting to stop it overwhelming me. Yesterday I acknowledged the date, knew its significance but I didn’t go anywhere in my thoughts. The day just played out, it was a good day. When planning my dad’s funeral date my mum and I both acknowledged it couldn’t be on the 22nd of May Amelia’s birthday or the 23rd May . Like me my parents hadn’t forgotten the significance of the date. 

                  Also because of my dad dying recently and all the time we’ve spent sharing memories of our time with him and planning his Celebration of Life send off, everything else has been put aside. We are dealing with another trauma and significant life event in the best way we can by spending time together and making sure mum is ok. Together we will get through this. 

I dedicate this post to my dad.

Life Lessons after Warren’s death.

 

Life lessons learnt after Warren’s death - I already knew this one as I was taught it decades ago. What a privilege growing older is, when not everyone has the chance to. You realise how important it is not to take anything for granted and tomorrow isn’t promised however old you are. Expect the unexpected and live each day as it comes.

Realising the resilience of the human race. Still, now, I think: ‘How did I get through that  day?’ Being in the hospital after Warren’s first cardiac arrest, telling his family and friends he was critically ill and then dead plus normal day to day functioning that’s needed as a parent. Even on days like that your heart keeps beating, your lungs keep breathing and you carry on. 

That it’s ok to talk about grief and death using whatever vocabulary is right for you. I choose not to use lost or passed when talking about death, I feel those terms can be confusing so I just use dead and death. It maybe harsh for others to hear but it’s how I wish to express myself. I also get no comfort from seeing white feathers, dragon flies and robins, I don’t want to be watched over and I find angels wings scary. However I like seeing robins as they remind me of visiting National Trust gardens. If something gives you comfort it’s right for you and I’d never mock someone’s beliefs for seeing something as a sign from their loved one. In return I think it’s ok to say it’s not for me.

Warren’s death made me reevaluate who I want to spend time with, some people walked out of my life, some faded away from me and others stepped up and became so important that I couldn’t imagine a time without their friendship. Then there are the treasures who’ve been there for all my tough times and have never faltered in being all I need them to be. I’ve also learnt I’m very happy to be single and not to be curious about dating apps like Tinder ever again ! 

I’ve learnt it’s ok to happy and to make plans. The pandemic put everything on hold, so I had plenty of time to sit quietly with my thoughts and memories of Warren. Now we think of him and his antics every now and then and there  are little reminders of his presence in the house . It’s not sad as most things Warren got up to made you laugh and shake your head ! When I was with Warren we spent so much time in the country at hotels or visiting National Trust Properties now I’m back where my heart is happy visiting cities. I love being in London so much and Warren hated it! I’ve already got three more trips there planned for this year. I do think he’d have loved one of my new favourite places though Kew Gardens. I do cherish the adventures we had exploring new places and I’m grateful for the time we had, it’ll always be an important chapter. Another life event where I adapted and evolved as a person.

Since Warren’s death I feel more of a sense of urgency to do things I’ve wanted to do for years. The don’t dream it plan it mantra is a favourite at the moment. Next month I’ll complete my 50 things for my 50th list, I almost gave up on it after Warren’s death . In the end I adapted a couple of things and chose a couple of new ones. I think he’d be shocked that I’ve had so many things done to my house this year, I was brave ! I’ve started a new list Live Life Happy so I look forward to more adventures and making memories.

I’ll be honest what I find hard is once someone dies they are remembered for their good qualities, other parts seem to be erased. However in life people negotiate the ups and downs of relationships daily. It seems wrong to say anything negative about someone who is dead and they become a saint. Again I’d rather people were honest, no one is perfect and the imperfections add to the character. To me it keeps Warren more true to the person he was when alive. Yes Warren was a good man, caring, generous with his time, helpful, loving  but he was also a great one for sulking , being grumpy and a liability……..I learnt tolerance and realised we both needed our own space especially when sleep was involved, he was a snoring night owl, I was an insomniac lark at the time ! Plus I’m practically tee total and Warren was at the other end of the spectrum. 

I like Lois Tonkin’s 1996 Dr. Lois Tonkin, in her 1996 article Growing Around Grief: another way of looking at grief and recovery well worth a read. Basically the grief doesn’t shrink you slowly build life around it . I started off with keeping Mondays special every week as they were often a day Warren and I spent together , then we had a pandemic so that stopped for a while. Then as soon as I was able I made a lot of plans and I feel my life has expanded and I am spending more time with those whose company I enjoy, including my own company ! 

I sometimes wonder am I grieving as I should? I do also wonder if grieving during a pandemic when you’re focused on keeping those you love alive makes grieving different. Also we were initially all isolated from each other so it was easy to believe Warren was away at work or at his own house. It’s three years and I just remember the happy times Warren and I had , we had plenty of adventures, turns out for Warren it was a lifetimes worth . I don’t feel sad or upset for myself and I don’t cry. It’s just wrong when someone young dies, he was two years younger than me and age wise I’ve had five extra years of life than him. Any anger I have is over the fact he didn’t have more time to enjoy, he’d recently got a job he loved as our local community PCSO, he’d moved into a new house share and got himself a better car. Then he died. I do think things could have been different if he’d received more investigation into an episode of chest pain in November 2018 and had the correct follow up but I’ll never know. 

            Although I say I only remember the happy times, I’m lying in that I also remember vividly the day Warren died and the days after with his funeral in Ireland being horrific . Those days are currently playing in my head this morning, like a film at the back of my eyes. That’s traumatic events for you, they seem to have the ability to not fade very much and whole conversations are remembered. I also think the conversations where people have said completely the wrong thing also leave a deeper imprint. It took a year to find my peace from the aftermath of Warren’s death and how I was treated by certain people. Letting go is hard.

If you’re still here after reading all of that , thank you and well done. I hope to spend today reflecting on the five years worth of days spent with Warren that lead up to this horrible day in 2019. Celebrating his life and not his death, remembering him emerging from the bushes on our last holiday in Turkey as he’d fallen over extremely drunk by 10am ! That was Warren 💙

Twenty Gifted Years ♥️

 Twenty Years ♥️

Twenty years, impossible to imagine dreamed of years , yearned for, cried over , terrifying years, normal times, sad times but always a life that was lived. Twenty years, twenty gifted years, the life line thrown to Eloise when Zara couldn’t live here any longer. Hope, organ donation gave me that. Organ donation helped Rebecca cope with the devastating loss of her precious daughter Zara. It has helped her over the years knowing Zara’s heart beats on. 

Organ donation, never a cure but when you’re faced with death and offered a second chance at life you grasp it firmly and go with it. Life isn’t the same, for some part it’s better as every day has more meaning than it did before, time becomes precious. Dreams aren’t for chasing they’re for planning. Yet a level of anxiety is always there, heightened alert and fear for the future, you lose your naivety. 

            Some of you have been here right from the start of Eloise’s transplant story. You looked after her and me in Bristol Childrens Hospital in PICU when my whole world was broken or the Freeman. Mandy I’ve never forgotten seeing your lovely smiley face when we returned from Great Ormond Street and Eloise was admitted to BCH with rejection. So many people couldn’t face me , unsure what to say but you came in and got Eloise to have her ecg without being upset. You and Stella remained our favourite cardiac techs , a highlight of outpatient appointments. 

              Friendships old and friendships new , you can’t do transplantation without the right army with you, it’s gruelling mentally . A real roller coaster I can happily handle but the post transplant roller coaster is a trickier beast and it’s best we all scream together. We laugh, we cry and hopefully get another day to laugh some more. Recently some transplant legends have died and I bloody miss them, my inspiration and my hope and my support. Eloise is probably one of those legends to the families of young transplanted children, she’s their hope. Thank you friends, thank you colleagues , thank you NHS, thank you to those who set up the organ donor register, thank you organ donors, thank you Zara and thank you Eloise for being a complete and utter star ⭐️ Twenty extra years with you ♥️ From 21 months to 21 years. Through every stage of the education system and beyond, your story continues………..

Just Another Day 23rd May 2022

 

7.15am -23rd May 2022 is here and I feel nothing other than anticipatory nerves as Eloise has a heart transplant clinic appointment this morning at Papworth. When Eloise received the appointment for this date last month my heart pounded and I felt sick. Of all the dates, it was this one the 23rd May, a date that’s so vividly remembered 20 years on. A day that became one of the worse days of my life. Eloise offered to get it changed and I did give it some thought. However I have Mondays off work and as the appointment is at 8.25 we had to come here yesterday. We’ve also missed being with Amelia on her 19th birthday but I don’t think she needs me cramping her style. Time is a great healer they say and perhaps it is. The scars of what went before remain with me, but I’m processing things differently. I’ve chosen to not think about 23rd May 2002 and I now have control. Today is just another day. 

           11am- today is a good day, Eloise has had her appointment, good ecg, chest X-ray and blood results ( how speedy was that !) She’s doing really well, no concerns and will have a CT angiogram at her next appointment. To be fair as she was only seen at the Bristol Heart Institute last Monday I went into this appointment as relaxed as I could be. Always getting Eloise to look for high spikes (voltages) on her ecg as low spikes are an indication of rejection. I no longer go into Eloise’s appointments , I’m just here as her travel companion. I don’t think anything will change how I feel today. Living in the moment is the best way, I think the past will stay shut in its protective box in my head today. If it does creeps out it’ll just be in the shadows tonight. 

12.38- More thoughts, I think the turn around started 3 or 4 years ago, each year the build up got less and less until this year, absolutely nothing. Warren’s unexpected death followed by a two year pandemic has just confirmed that I’m totally right to live in the moment and see the joy in every day. Some days it is a struggle to stay positive but I usually manage it. I’ve had a few (now resolved )health issues over the past year and I’ve questioned my own mortality. Even during those days I still made plans and doing things I enjoy with those I love really helped. I like to live not to just exist, making memories and taking a lot of photographs is so important to me. Plus my ever increasing Jellycat Crew.Just do what ever makes you happy. Time is not something we will always 

    have, so if you want to do something do it now. Don’t dream it, plan it.

Cardiac Arrest ❤️

 Cardiac Arrest, something I’ve known about since I started my Adult nurse training in 1989. Something I’m trained to deal with or be aware of the warning signs. Something that’s touched my life twice with differing outcomes. 

         One cardiac arrest I watched, floating above it , it felt unreal like an episode of Casualty. I held onto hope as that’s what CPR means, it means that someone is trying to save your loved ones life. There was a chance of survival but I was also aware that my daughter was dying. I was reliant on healthcare professionals and I was willing them not to stop cpr until Eloise’s damaged heart started again. Thankfully it didn’t take long, I can’t really say she was stable as Eloise’s condition was so fragile . She was then taken to theatre for her heart transplant, she arrested again in theatre , something I wasn’t aware of for many years. It’ll be twenty years soon since this horrific day but I remember the event so vividly in technicolour and whole conversations, the difficult kind of conversation.

         The second cardiac arrest I never saw yet it’s equally as vivid behind my eyes . I suppose what I see is the bedroom I’d visited and Warren being worked on mixed in with faceless paramedics perhaps even those from the programme Casualty. Those two paramedics must have been exhausted as it took over twenty minutes or so of cpr and using the defibrillator to get a faint heart beat and Warren stabilised enough to transfer to hospital. Like Eloise there was a second arrest in the cardiac catheter theatre unlike Eloise Warren could not and did not survive. However I know every single person involved in his care fought for him and didn’t give up until Warren’s body said no more. I think this sudden loss involves being left with questions and some have no answers. Suddenly losing Warren after a cardiac arrest involved strong feelings of unjustness , he was far too young, he looked well, he’d had an MOT at his GP surgery. However I could also get some comfort from the idea that dying from cardiac arrest avoids prolonged suffering. I even said this today as I’m sure if Warren had survived he would have had extensive brain damage.

         I think losing Warren to cardiac arrest was such a huge incomprehensible shock. To me being in cardiac arrest is being on the border of life and death. I see it being like you see in films when someone is walking towards a tunnel of light. They are hovering between living and dying but someone is trying to tip the balance towards life. 

      Why am I writing this? Well today I’ve done two lots of e-learning on Adult Basic Life Support and Paediatric Basic Life Support and I’ve revisited intensive care at The Freeman Hospital and the A/E relatives room at the BRI . Sucked back there and replaying two bloody awful days when hearts stopped beating. The brain likes to store traumas and for the most part the memories don’t touch me but some days they play on repeat that was today and that’ll definitely be tomorrow . This is when being a nurse is hard for me, it’s a bit too close to home. 

Warren 30/12/71-23/08/19

      

Remember the Life not the Death.

 

I originally started writing a few words ready for today the anniversary of Warren’s death a week ago. Out of nowhere I got the urge or need to write a few things down again. However I’ve been thinking a lot more about it and my words have evolved. I’m struggling with thinking of Warren on the day he died, I have absolutely no good memories associated with him on that day except perhaps that he’d read my early morning WhatsApp message. Without actually seeing the events that lead up to Warren dying with my own eyes I can imagine the call for help, the ambulance crew working on him and them not not giving up and the same happening in A/E. I can see him but not in a way he should be remembered. As with all my bad memories my recall of that day is strong and I’m so grateful that Shelley was by my side, yet again. Thankful that Warren’s PCSO colleague and friend Paul came around and looked after me and started letting people know . Then Andy, one of Warren’s police bosses came around and we talked and made plans for Warren’s memorial service.Today I’ll remember those people and that will be my focus as I’d rather remember Warren on days he was truly living and we were out and about having fun together with the 3 frogs.

My experiences of grieving as an adult were limited before Warren died, the ones I’d lost most recently died of old age not illness , that’s the order of life we expect. I think grieving during a pandemic is different but like I say I’m no expert. For me the pandemic started just 5 months after Warren died and my survival mode clicked in and my focus was solely on the living. My fear was for Eloise and my parents , my thoughts were taken up with the reality I was in and not Warren. I missed so many people including Warren, I could even think he was just keeping away while we shielded Eloise. My grief for him, mingled with the life I wasn’t experiencing . My family was very important to Warren, he looked out for my children and helped them whenever he could. He’d understand they were a priority, writing the word priority has made me smile, I loved how the word sounded with Warren’s Irish accent.

                         Traces of Warren remain here, his police hat in my bedroom, his frog called Flash, his crystal glasses in the dining room display case, his favourite mug in the kitchen and of course the diy cupboard holds his tools plus other reminders.Recently I found two pairs of his dodgy sunglasses in my car, it made me smile. We didn’t live together , that’s why we lasted for five years ! We weren’t that compatible on the living together front, one night owl and one lark who wanted to smother the snoring owl. The owl liked drink…..too much, good job he did the recycling. However by not spending every hour together we made plans and I loved our adventures. It’s now the 7th year of having a joint NT membership. I couldn’t bear to take Warren off the membership for a while, I wanted a new card with Warren’s name on as his family had his old one. I still carry his now out of date card around in my purse, Eloise is now the second adult. Warren would like that. I think our NT joint membership was our biggest commitment, bought just a few weeks after we met, the memories of those first days out are popping up on my Facebook.

 I do think writing everything down in my Facebook photo albums really helped my grieving process. I could vent every thought, feeling, emotion quite openly however good or bad they seemed. Writing felt safe and I could be honest. Support wise, my work ladies were and are amazing, such a great team and I’m lucky to have them. Our bond over lockdown grew even stronger. Plus I have fabulous friends in reality and in social media land. People say things like “give yourself as long as it takes” to recover, how do you know if you’ve recovered ? I know you shouldn’t compare grief, you can’t it’s all personal to you. I did feel guilty for saying I’m ok, but as my friend Mark said Warren would want me to be happy. I still fear saying I’m happy out loud just in case , stupid I know….

                   There’s just one first that’s not been done yet, the first family holiday abroad without Warren. Corfu was booked for 2020 and rescheduled for 2021 then cancelled again by me. I’ve now changed my booking to Turkey. We’ve been there many times as a family and we had four holidays there with Warren including the one just before he died. We will definitely raise a glass to him and go on another beautiful sunset cruise. My diary is filling up again with plans and adventures. Sarah and Kyle kindly take me on NT adventures so I don’t miss out . I catch up with friends, it’s good to see them. I have nights away on my own which I sometimes need, I’ve only been home alone once in over 18 months. I’m not lonely , loneliness after loss must be so painful . I don’t need to replace Warren, actually I think he was a one off ! I just needed to adjust how I spend my free time. Time is precious, I wish Warren had been given many years more. He definitely had plenty more living to do. We have to make do with the memories and I have plenty of those that proceed the date he died 23/08/2019 that’s what I need to celebrate not today. 

    So raise your glass and toast the legend that was Warren Rodgers, he’d probably like it if you drank far too much but it is a Monday ! 💙Warren 💙

Finding Peace

 Finding Peace.

It’s been a very long time since I used this blog, this is my first entry of the year. I don’t really need it any more. The words I felt unable to say and the feelings I felt I couldn’t share are out in the open now. I found my voice, a whisper at first but now my voice is steady. Writing things down enabled me to be more honest with myself and with you. I totally recommend writing as a self help therapy, I’ve read some of my posts over and over again. 

Today is the 23rd May , usually a date of huge significance to me, this year it’s taken it’s place in the calendar without causing me any pain. It became another day, a day I didn’t fear , a day without build up, a day without flashbacks or triggers. Just a date in the calendar saying one thing Hub Box 1pm , a lunch reservation for Amelia’s birthday. Of course I can sit here now and use recall to set the memories of the 23rd May 2002 into motion. I can play conversations from that day in my head, I can see room 1 in A/E, I can see paediatric intensive care and the “quiet” room. I remember the hushed conversations, the looks, the pity and how small Eloise looked lying ventilated in a cot......all of it is etched in my brain. However I can flick the switch, pop the lid on the box and feel at peace. I think the above quote sums up what I’ve finally managed to do. The day will never cease to exist it just won’t take my peace.

   We are now 19 years on from that date. The date is no longer important , it probably never was. I just fixated on it. 23/05/02 was the day Eloise’s myocarditis was diagnosed but silently her heart was being attacked by hand, foot and mouth virus for over a month until her body could no longer compensate and her heart failure became outwardly noticeable. I will have grief, I will have anger but if I get wrapped up in those things I’ll forget to enjoy what I still have ,my Eloise. Always grateful for every extra day I have ❤️