Gym, who would have thought I'd ever have such an addiction to going to the gym ?
Exercise was a swear word to me, I think I have school PE lessons to thank for that. The humiliation of wearing big green PE knickers and a t-shirt in Junior school started my hatred. I've never been small, always tall, always chunky, always well covered, so this outfit made me feel awful. I have no hand eye coordination and I'm clumsy, I dreaded PE days, I felt awkward and inadequate. In fact it was a blessing to break my femur............Then secondary school, my stomach used to tighten in knots over PE lessons, yes we got to wear a tiny skirt but we also had to endure showers. Again we loved the week of our period as it meant no torturous shower ! I'm rubbish at sports, last to be picked and all that. I don't know if I ever hit a ball with any kind of racquet or bat. The Summer, my hayfever allergy and allergic asthma also meant a bit of respite from track and field. As for sports day, I think I joined the choir etc as rehearsals for the end of year production got you out of doing it ! The only activity I liked was swimming, again I wasn't very good at it but I enjoyed the freedom in the water and once in the pool my body was hidden !
As an adult I continued to swim if I lived near a pool. I've tried yoga classes, I was useless ! So my main exercise used to come from various celebrity fitness videos, each one lasting a few weeks until boredom set in ! Who remembers Callanetics ? This craze lasted longer with me, not sure it made me look any different. So my relationship with exercise has been pretty poor ! I never fancied joining any classes as I'd have never kept up or gone in the right direction !
Linked to this are my various attempts at dieting, I'm not sure I can remember all of them. I expect I did the Rosemary Ford diet and I remember some fat free diet and various others from women's magazines. I've counted calorie and points, made charts, weighed my food, stopped eating at set times, etc. I've joined Slimming World, a couple of times, now that did work. I've tried Weight Watchers, I cheated ! I probably dieted from the age of 14-15 until last year. Now I no longer use that word, or the words healthy eating. I just eat, quite simple really. I've found the more restrictions I put on myself and my diet the more cravings and binges I have. I self sabotage, feel guilty so eat more, a circle of destruction really. So no more if I want a certain food I'll have it, no taboo foods, my cravings are non existent now.
Ok back to the gym, I've had 3 gym memberships over the years I've been in Bristol . The first membership ended when Eloise was taken ill so that's understandable. The second membership ended when I had Henry as the gym closed its crèche . I swam loads when I was pregnant with him and it was wonderful. I was able to rejointhe gym in October 2014 post Eloise's transplant blip year from hell and Henry being settled into school. Then I was visiting a couple of times a week and going through the motions for an hour while watching Homes Under the Hammer or a quick thirty minute swim. I was quite bored really but kept going so I got my money's worth !
Then suddenly something just clicked a year after joining. Helped by a chance encounter when someone opened the gym door for me. Fate brought me the right person at the right time. They've helped motivate me and given me a lot of encouragement . I no longer "mess around" in the gym, I push myself to do my best every time I go. I still need to leave the comfort of cardio and workout using the weights but I feel too self conscious and physically weak at the minute. But I know I have a good Personal Trainer when I'm ready. It's lovely having the company of my friend at the gym at least once a week. Sometimes I really struggle my heads not in the right place on these days I leave the gym floor and swim instead. Swimming really helps me zone out, I always love the water. I can also see changes in my body shape and I'm more toned, I still need more work but I have time. I've lost weight without dieting, my obsession with the scales is over, I used to weigh myself daily. It's good to feel free from that slavery ! I find if I don't go to the gym my body stiffens up, old injuries hurt especially my hips and knees. So it's good to remain flexible and painfree. I'm glad to have found the exercise mindset, it only took 40+ years and a shove in the right direction from a stranger.
The biggest plus for me about this gym obsession of mine, is the improvement in my mental health and I often call it my therapy . Going to the gym definitely works for me in a positive way. I would recommend exercise to any of you struggling with mental health issues, it releases happy hormones for a start. Sometimes it's just a distraction from what's going on in my daily life or it helps to make me feel less restless and irritable. It's me time and that's important. I have more energy which is a plus around here ! I'm not sure it's helped with my sleep issues but I'm more relaxed and calmed post exercise. When I was upset or anxious previously I'd have reached for food to comfort me now I'm packing my bag and heading to the gym. So I'm taking control in a healthy way and that feels good. I used to feel awful and sluggish after a comfort food session then add in the guilt of over eating when you already loath your body and obsess with your weight. It was very detrimental to my physical and mental wellbeing.
I'm glad that I've made the gym part of my lifestyle, I appreciate I'm lucky to have the money to spend on a membership and the free time which allows me to visit it 3-4 times a week. I feel so much better for going though and I hope it will keep me healthier in the long term. My self esteem is better and my body confidence has improved significantly, another great change for me. Sorry to be a gym bore, but I'm so proud of what I'm achieving and I wanted you to know. I know many people wanted rid of 2016 but on a personal level it was the year I began to love me in my entirety. Maybe we all need to put our needs first sometimes.
