Remember the Life not the Death.

 

I originally started writing a few words ready for today the anniversary of Warren’s death a week ago. Out of nowhere I got the urge or need to write a few things down again. However I’ve been thinking a lot more about it and my words have evolved. I’m struggling with thinking of Warren on the day he died, I have absolutely no good memories associated with him on that day except perhaps that he’d read my early morning WhatsApp message. Without actually seeing the events that lead up to Warren dying with my own eyes I can imagine the call for help, the ambulance crew working on him and them not not giving up and the same happening in A/E. I can see him but not in a way he should be remembered. As with all my bad memories my recall of that day is strong and I’m so grateful that Shelley was by my side, yet again. Thankful that Warren’s PCSO colleague and friend Paul came around and looked after me and started letting people know . Then Andy, one of Warren’s police bosses came around and we talked and made plans for Warren’s memorial service.Today I’ll remember those people and that will be my focus as I’d rather remember Warren on days he was truly living and we were out and about having fun together with the 3 frogs.

My experiences of grieving as an adult were limited before Warren died, the ones I’d lost most recently died of old age not illness , that’s the order of life we expect. I think grieving during a pandemic is different but like I say I’m no expert. For me the pandemic started just 5 months after Warren died and my survival mode clicked in and my focus was solely on the living. My fear was for Eloise and my parents , my thoughts were taken up with the reality I was in and not Warren. I missed so many people including Warren, I could even think he was just keeping away while we shielded Eloise. My grief for him, mingled with the life I wasn’t experiencing . My family was very important to Warren, he looked out for my children and helped them whenever he could. He’d understand they were a priority, writing the word priority has made me smile, I loved how the word sounded with Warren’s Irish accent.

                         Traces of Warren remain here, his police hat in my bedroom, his frog called Flash, his crystal glasses in the dining room display case, his favourite mug in the kitchen and of course the diy cupboard holds his tools plus other reminders.Recently I found two pairs of his dodgy sunglasses in my car, it made me smile. We didn’t live together , that’s why we lasted for five years ! We weren’t that compatible on the living together front, one night owl and one lark who wanted to smother the snoring owl. The owl liked drink…..too much, good job he did the recycling. However by not spending every hour together we made plans and I loved our adventures. It’s now the 7th year of having a joint NT membership. I couldn’t bear to take Warren off the membership for a while, I wanted a new card with Warren’s name on as his family had his old one. I still carry his now out of date card around in my purse, Eloise is now the second adult. Warren would like that. I think our NT joint membership was our biggest commitment, bought just a few weeks after we met, the memories of those first days out are popping up on my Facebook.

 I do think writing everything down in my Facebook photo albums really helped my grieving process. I could vent every thought, feeling, emotion quite openly however good or bad they seemed. Writing felt safe and I could be honest. Support wise, my work ladies were and are amazing, such a great team and I’m lucky to have them. Our bond over lockdown grew even stronger. Plus I have fabulous friends in reality and in social media land. People say things like “give yourself as long as it takes” to recover, how do you know if you’ve recovered ? I know you shouldn’t compare grief, you can’t it’s all personal to you. I did feel guilty for saying I’m ok, but as my friend Mark said Warren would want me to be happy. I still fear saying I’m happy out loud just in case , stupid I know….

                   There’s just one first that’s not been done yet, the first family holiday abroad without Warren. Corfu was booked for 2020 and rescheduled for 2021 then cancelled again by me. I’ve now changed my booking to Turkey. We’ve been there many times as a family and we had four holidays there with Warren including the one just before he died. We will definitely raise a glass to him and go on another beautiful sunset cruise. My diary is filling up again with plans and adventures. Sarah and Kyle kindly take me on NT adventures so I don’t miss out . I catch up with friends, it’s good to see them. I have nights away on my own which I sometimes need, I’ve only been home alone once in over 18 months. I’m not lonely , loneliness after loss must be so painful . I don’t need to replace Warren, actually I think he was a one off ! I just needed to adjust how I spend my free time. Time is precious, I wish Warren had been given many years more. He definitely had plenty more living to do. We have to make do with the memories and I have plenty of those that proceed the date he died 23/08/2019 that’s what I need to celebrate not today. 

    So raise your glass and toast the legend that was Warren Rodgers, he’d probably like it if you drank far too much but it is a Monday ! 💙Warren 💙