15 Precious Years ❤️

15 Precious Years ❤️

                        

Here we are 10/06/2017 , 15 years since Eloise's heart transplant was performed at The Freeman Hospital in Newcastle. It seems crazy that she needed a transplant because of a toddler illness, just a virus. This 15 year milestone has never been promised so it's a wonderful day to celebrate . I shall reflect on every extra year of good post transplant health Eloise has been gifted. Then dream of all those years waiting to be filled with adventures by my warrior maiden. 

     Every time I meet someone new and they hear Eloise's story it comes as a shock to them that her heart transplant may not last. Most people think it will last an average life time but sadly that's not the case. Thankfully we do know people who are thirty years plus post transplant so they give us hope and something to aim for. Maybe a Guinness World Record ? All I can hope for is an extra day with my precious girl, that leads into an extra week, an extra month, extra year, extra decade . So that the days keep coming and we keep making memories. 

      Having a potentially life limited child changes your outlook on life. You understand what's worth fighting for and what to let go. You make the most of every day even if it's sometimes difficult to find something good in a day you can if you look hard enough. The little things are so important. Having a happy and healthy child is everything, I have that four times over so I'm very blessed. I just have to work harder to keep one of them healthy but it's bloody worth it. Even when she's glaring at me when I make her move from her computer chair ! 

      This past School year has seen Eloise turn 16 and leave Secondary school ! This is so amazing, I remember being so scared that she'd never start school. I then feared her dying whilst at Primary School. This moved onto wondering if her chosen Secondary school was suitable for a wheelchair etc. This led to discussions with her new head teacher about her medical needs and the only reassurance I got from him was an ambulance could get to the school quickly.....hmmmmmm ! So another education chapter is ending, Eloise only has a handful of GCSE exams to do now and a prom to attend. Then a Summer of freedom before hopefully starting Six Form in September at the grand old age of 17 to do A'levels. Then there's even been a bit of thinking of the future, there's a Foundation Course Eloise would like to do, then possibly a degree. To have a future when 15 years ago you lay dying is nothing short of a miracle.

      Just a virus, a virus that changed the direction of our lives forever. Nearly taking away Eloise's life and changing our outlook completely. Although Eloise is a myocarditis survivor her heart wasn't and without a heart transplant she'd have died 15 years ago. I feel so much anger towards that coxsachie b virus, just why did Eloise have to have the rare complication of hand, foot and mouth? But time has shown me that there isn't an answer and the if's, why's, maybe's will never go away but I can't let them destroy me. Acceptance is hard but I do see the occasional glimmer of it. Other than popping pills and the hospital appointments Eloise has to attend we can forget about transplantation quite a lot. We have every reason to smile, especially as some of our transplant friends aren't as lucky as Eloise but they still live for the moment and keep smiling. If they can do that I have no excuse !  

                        Of course without Eloise's courageous donor family none of these years would have been lived and loved. Without them I'd be lost . Rebecca, Zara's mummy is one amazing lady, our emails have been bouncing back and forth all week. It's a difficult and bitter sweet time for me but for her it's the anniversary of Zara's death. Yet she thought of me ! I sent her photographs of Eloise with the balloon this morning, she thought she looked really healthy. I also made her emotional as Eloise will be wearing a "Z" brooch to her prom and I shared a picture of it with her. I'm acutely aware that Zara should also be choosing her prom dress right now and sitting her GCSEs . Sadly more milestones never to be reached. 

      So today another wooden heart has been added to Eloise's box of pretty coloured hearts. I also bought her these two hand crafted wooden interconnecting hearts in beautiful coloured wood. Their lids are fixed on by magnets so they can swivel open or just be removed. A fitting gift for a very important post transplant milestone. 

      

Then of course there was cake this evening, fifteen candles, fifteen white chocolate hearts on a butterfly cake. Eloise loves cake ! 

     

                                      

Facing the Day 15 years on (23rd May 2002)

Facing the day 15 years on (23rd May 2002)

       

Fifteen years, how can it be that long ago yet remembered so vividly ? 15 years since the simplicity of my family life erupted and left a confusing, tangled and broken mess. A life full of fear for the future of my child. I think this anniversary is another big post transplant milestone to get to, after the initial survival statistics of 5-10 years they upgraded us to 10-15 years. So here we are, Eloise is here, an outwardly healthy 16 year old , she's taking her GCSEs like her peers right now and preparing for her prom. Life's pretty normal for her and that's good. So let's try and erase those statistics as they are detrimental to my mental wellbeing, anyway I think we may have upgraded Eloise to 20 years now ! 

     I remember bringing Eloise home post transplant and crying so much. I saw no future at all. I couldn't look ahead, I even got rid of all of Leah's outgrown clothes as I didn't think Eloise would need them. A year after Amelia was born I put the girls in the same bedroom. I was still fearing the worse and I didn't want to deal with an empty bedroom. Then I didn't want to send Eloise to school, I didn't want to share her precious days. When other mothers cry as their children get older and move on from a class or a school I celebrate. Eloise has completed 12 years of school and I'm so very proud of her, she's a super human, she's very much herself and I love her. The future of Eloise's health will remain uncertain but we will do all we can to keep her heart happy and healthy. No more Gregg's Tours Eloise !!!!! 

        In so many ways I wish I could erase the 23rd of May from my memory. I think I'd like to forget about it and not have it on replay in my head. I used to think forgetting would help me overcome it. Now I know that such a pivotal life experience cannot be erased or truly forgotten about. I think all that's happened over time is I've been more open about how this date makes me feel, what I go through and how bloody hard it is for me. I think this has helped me to heal a little, last year was the first time I didn't cry on the day and I've also just got through my resuscitation training with minimal mental trauma and flashbacks. Healing from the wounds inflicted by a traumatic experience takes time, perseverance, faith that things will get better mentally and hope for a more settled mind. My memory can be such a monster. 

     

           Through writing this blog I have found myself a safe environment to let people know how I feel. I know when I need to write as part of "my therapy" the words start popping out and I feel the need to write them down. Afterwards I feel relieved and calmer. If I'm in control I feel protected . The same goes when I'm having a conversation with someone about Eloise and past events. I can talk freely and without getting upset or emotional. However if the other person suddenly pushes a trigger with no warning I can become quite choked with the need to fight my tears. This only really happens with strangers as I've surrounded myself with a safe social support network, through social media and in reality too. I am lucky that I have the right people by my side that allow me to express how I am feeling without judging me. They never feel I should be over this, as I won't ever be. These traumatic events have changed me for ever, but that's ok. 

         

         

     I have also developed skills for dealing with emotionally tough days. I usually need solitude on days like that. So I tend to lock myself in the bathroom, with music, candle light, Earl Grey tea and some luxurious bath products. These baths usually last between 1-2 hours but they help so much. My other source of therapy is the gym, I go through phases of detesting the place but I know it's done so much for me mentally. Hoping the flabby body starts to respond to the exercise soon !!!! Anger and frustration is safely dealt with, in fact on days when I feel this way I actually put much more effort into my gym session ! Focusing on my physical health and allowing "me time" has helped me mentally too and my dire sleeping habits have improved so much this year. I'm now sleeping for 7 hours a night and usually I get the magical 8 hours once a week, go me ! 

            I now think it's perfectly alright to remember this day, it's part of my life history. It can't be ignored so is it better to talk about it freely ? I think so, it can never be swept away, so better to confront it. It's one day, so I think it's ok to give it my time and thought and think about what's happened since. I'll always grieve, what I lost was huge and I'll always feel guilty for feeling such grief as my child is alive. I think I've worked through quite a lot of the trauma in more recent years, I didn't believe in the whole "time is a great healer" thing but actually although I'm out of reach of being healed I've made progress. I'm proud of how far I've come,  that's enough for now and probably forever.

        I have grown into the woman I am now by getting through this traumatic experience and the days, weeks , months and years that have followed. I feel so much stronger, determined, empowered , resilient and independent . I think I've remained a compassionate soul, I hope so, as I do care.  Despite the emotional trauma of living with a life limited child I am generally satisfied with my life and I have retained my realistic optimism. 

      So here we are are again 23rd May, let's do this..........❤️

Never Goodbye

     

                              

It's not Goodbye

I think a year or so ago now I wrote about change and being stood at a crossroads . Well the traffic lights have changed to green and I'm about to make a change in my life.

         On the 16th of May I will work my last shift as a permanent member of staff on ward 36 at Bristol Childrens Hospital. I've worked as a paediatric nurse in the kids hospital for 20 years on ward 33 originally up in the old hospital . Then this became ward 31 when we moved down the hill. In December 2002 I was redeployed to ward 36 after Eloise's transplant and have continued to work there for 14 years.

        I love that hospital, I love the wards, the corridors and its warmth. It's been a second home to me. Most importantly I love the people in it, those wonderful people I've had the privilege to meet and work with for the past two decades. I'm lucky enough to call many of them friends and some are more like family members now. It's been my safety net but it's time to move out of my comfort zone......slightly. 

     

                       As well as holding so many happy memories for me it's also the place where I faced my darkest of times. It's where my whole life shattered around me to never be the same again. It's nearly 15 years ago now since I brought my poorly Eloise into A/E thinking she had a chest infection. You know how that story unfolds . It's a day I'll never forget, conversations that are inked into my brain forever. Cubicle 1 , how I hated hearing the Drs talking outside the door, I heard their every word and my world came crashing down. I also remember every bed space Eloise occupied in PICU before she ended up in a cubicle. I remember many conversations, I remember the quiet room, the prayer room, the parents room with Bunkbeds. I remember too much and it hurts. It was so hard being on the other side meeting my colleagues around the hospital and having to explain why I was there out of uniform. 

          However I owe that hospital so much, they stabilised my baby, they gave her fragile heart all the support it needed, they kept her alive against the odds. They also knew when to seek another opinion, when there was no more they could do. They safely transferred Eloise by plane to the Freeman Hospital in Newcastle at the right time. Since then Eloise has received excellent cardiology care , thankfully mainly as an outpatient . She has had two visits to ward 32 one for rejection 7 weeks post transplant and one for pneumonia, one stay on ward 31 for chicken pox treatment and one visit to 36 for an adenotonsillectomy. I trust this hospital so much with Eloise and I feel the staff really care about her and how she's getting on. Soon even Eloise will be saying goodbye to BCH as it is time for my baby to transition to adult care. 

        I am so glad I moved from London to Bristol , it was the right choice and I've been lucky to work in such a wonderful children's hospital. Working in a general hospital on a paediatric unit is good but for me I preferred working in a specialist paediatric hospital. As you may know I'm no career woman, I just love children and my main aim in life was to be a mother and life gave me four of my own beautiful children. So work wise all I wanted to do was work with children so that wish came true as well. 

                                           

    So that brings me back to my change, my leap of faith. I maybe leaving Bristol Childrens Hospital, but I'm not leaving the trust or paediatrics or day surgery for that matter ! I'm going to work at the Dental Hospital, in their paediatric day surgery unit. After Eloise was ill and it was time for me to think of returning to work I was sent to occupational health to be assessed by a Dr. It was like an interrogation and he broke me, I cried so much. I never thought I could nurse again, I didn't want to walk in that hospital building full of my fears and ghosts. In the end it was decided that I should move wards . One of the options that I considered at the time was the dental hospital but in the end I went back to BCH and with a lot of emotional support in the early days I survived. So the Dental Hospital will mainly be a new venue for me and a new group of ladies to get to know, but the nursing will be similar. Even upped my hours.......by half a day and given up the term time contract. There have been lots of changes over the past two years on the ward where I'm working now and I'm not always the best at dealing with change . So for me being in control of the changes to my career is an easier option to cope with. I know I've made the right decision for myself and my family and work/life balance is so important to me. Long term this new role will help me to continue to have the best of both worlds. I'm so lucky that this opportunity came along just when I needed it. 

    So this is it a time for new beginnings but it's not the end. Part of me will always remain in my beloved children's hospital. I have so many lovely memories of the children and families I have nursed over twenty years. We had so much fun, I think the best of times were spent at the old children's hospital on Ward 33, god it was cramped but it was full of love. I will always remember that ward fondly and our lovely Sarah who bonded us so closely together. I am so lucky that she became my friend, birth partner and godmother to Eloise. She's so missed.  As for Ward 36, we did like to put on a good spread and buffet didn't we ? The support of my ward 36 ladies and our Graham has got me through quite a few important episodes in my life and I love you all for it. I'll miss you all so much. 

     Thank you Bristol Childrens Hospital and all who work there and use the hospital for giving me twenty years of happy employment . 

                                 

     

Face to Face with an Unlocked Past

Face to Face with an Unlocked Past

                                    

      

By the time you read this it'll be over. The thing I'm laying here dreading will itself be in the past, dealt with, finished, over. Just a memory and hopefully an easily dealt with and soon to be forgotten memory.  Tomorrow it's my Intermediate Life Support Study Day, hard to believe it's been two years since I last feared this day. A day filled with information and role play, so I'm sure it's not a favourite with many of my colleagues. 

    Rationally I know it'll be fine, my track record reminds me of this. I did cry last year, maybe I'll cry again tomorrow. Not because I'm a lousy actress, well maybe I am ? I look ok don't I ? In control of my life and it's contents but I wing it ! I feel sick, my anxiety levels are high, I'm breathing deeply and exhaling loudly and chocolate isn't helping. I went to the gym earlier that helped, it blocked out this looming fear of mine. I worked bloody hard making sure muscular pain outweighed the mental pain. Then and there it helped but I only felt calm fleetingly. Next to me in my bed I have the "Paediatric Intermediate Life Support " manual, third edition no less, it's mocking me. 

           Tomorrow I'll return to some of the most horrific days of my life and I will see, hear and feel them all over again and I won't be able to stop this happening. The reel is already primed in my head ready for someone or something to press the trigger tomorrow. It maybe a few words, "the acutely ill child" or myocarditis. It maybe squeezing the chest of one of the dummies, or the noise of the monitors alarms. I know I'll return to my hell. I've seen too much, dealt with too much and felt so much. 

I know these flash backs will never be erased. I could pay someone £50 an hour to listen to me or sign up for some therapy sessions but they cannot take my memories away. These horrific days don't haunt me often, just on very special occasions like this. I guess on other days when my flashbacks hit me I'm alone and I can choose how I deal with them. This puts me on display. What do you think ? I wonder if people think it's strange that 15 years on I've not moved forward with this. As nurses do we ever think of the impact these events have on our patients and their families future mental health ? I hope so. Maybe I needed "debriefing" after I watched my daughter arrest ? It was like it wasn't really happening, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Willing her to keep fighting, as soon as she was stabilised she was wheeled away into theatre. I can't imagine what it must be like if those images of your child being resuscitated are the last you ever get to see. 

          I'm now biting my nails and they're rough, just let out a massive sigh too. I hope I sleep tonight. I want some peace, some oblivion and some respite from my thoughts. However irrational they maybe....... 

                         

      7.45am, day follows on from night and I actually slept my average 7 hours last night. I woke at 5am but settled again. My stomach really hurts and I feel nauseated, sorry if too much information but I even dry gagged as I feel so sick. Managed breakfast and a coffee. My heart is racing, it's giving me palpitations too. I'm trying to be positive and calm. I know nothing awful will happen today and the day will pass but tight now my logical brain is switched off or jammed.........

5.15pm Ok  it was just that ok, no tears and I only lost two nails during the day, although another two are rough and chewed. I'm ok, my mind is a riot of memories right now all whirling around. I'll spend the rest of the day searching through them and collecting them. Memories that need to be captured and boxed away again. Tonight I may not sleep but I'll try . I usually struggle post events too. But I'm pleased with how today went, it was a positive day. 

                             

      

Eaten Alive

Eaten Alive

    

                                

Sometimes I feel like I'm being eaten up by memories, thoughts, fears and anxiety. Just little pieces at a time being picked away in my mind. Some days I just chew things over.  Not every day, some days pass in beautiful tranquility , also known to most as normality ! Then one little trigger and away we go into a spiral of thoughts, the cogs get turned, the brain floods and I'm where I don't want to be. There are two places I don't want to be too often, the past and the future. Of course I have many beautiful, happy memories of days I've lived and I'm sure many wonderful days are waiting to be enjoyed. But the present is my safe place, this moment and right now. I'm here and for this time I'm in control, sat writing with a cup of earl grey beside me, all very ordinary. I quite like ordinary.

           I can deal with "me" quite well, I know how I'm feeling and how to improve my mood. I can reduce my anxiety, I can process my fears, I can look through bad memories and talk about them at length without them reducing me to tears. I am my own therapy and I'm grateful for that. I don't think a stranger would get me, they'd never fix me and I don't wish to explain myself to anyone. I think when you've been through a traumatic time you are bound to have psychological scars and that's ok. I've not become hard, I remain very sensitive and I hope I continue to have empathy. I can't cry during a film or tv programme though, it's just a film not my reality . Is this strange ?   I do get sad sometimes, who wouldn't knowing what I know but I'm not depressed. I can still see the good in every day, even if I have to search for longer on occasion. I do feel cheated that part of my dream has been damaged along the way but I'm sure most of us feel we deserve better. Just money can't solve my problem. 

    This is a bit of a pointless I've said it all before blog post to read but I needed to tap out a few words and they were nibbling me ! I'm just cross at the whole you only get in life what you can deal with crap ! What a load of utter bollocks ! I'm angry how unfair everything is, thinking mainly health here not going into politics or finance. Thinking of my friends who have become prisoners because of ill health. They are stuck indoors, limited physically on a daily basis and just struggling to breathe. It is all fucked up, good people struck down by hideous conditions while others piss their lives up against a wall.....you know . How I wish life was fair, how I wish I could give my friends a day free of pain, freedom from their illness. I cannot imagine what it must be like every day battling with your body and being gentle with your mind and showing the world a smile. These people are an inspiration to me , thinking of two remarkable ladies in particular A and S. Thinking about such things made me angry last night, in a rage kind of anger with a torrent of swear words. Those who know me well know I struggle to show anger in this form, I know it's not a positive trait to have but I was actually pleased that I felt this way last night. The tears wouldn't have been for me and I'm sure no one needed my pity. 

        

    So there it's out there another parcel of my feelings to unwrap and analyse ! Love as always Bec X 

On the Verge of Uncertainty

 Always on the verge of uncertainty and a mental breakdown ! 

                      

    

Life continues to show me that it's full of uncertainty and there most certainly aren't any guarantees. Nothing , absolutely nothing can be taken for granted. The only problem is I've set my life up in such a way to enable me to cope with its demands as long as nothing changes. As long as no one throws a spanner in the works. Mentally I'm at top capacity , a slight nudge and I'm broken and tearful . I deal with quite a lot and for the most part I have a smile on my face. I'm generally happy and mainly optimistic. To make my life work well I have to be in control of it. I call the shots, I take on what I can manage, mentally and physically. 

        Sadly no one has told life to slow down and let me catch my breath. So it continues to twist , turn and even loop the loop. Even as I write this now I feel the need to exhale deeply. I can hear Sia singing " I'm still breathing" At the end of the day at the moment I have to remind myself of this wonderful fact ! I must hasten to add I can still think logically and I can still rationalise. I can deal with most things, maybe not on the day they happen but in the cold light of the next day when I've had time to think more clearly and less emotionally.  The way I cope with most things is by thinking is it replaceable , thankfully most things and a lot of people are ! Having gone through the darkest of days with Eloise I have been able to prioritise what is important . Not many things unless they are health driven are worth my worry . 

                    The problem with uncertainty for me is that I love a plan and I absolutely hate being in limbo. Despite being a Libra I like a decision to be made so I can learn to deal with it. Especially if it's not the outcome of my choice ! With uncertainty there is often a range of possible outcomes. This for me could mean having to deal with an outcome I haven't had chance to process in advance. It's hard to live with a future that's not clearly imagined, but I guess that shouldn't stop me dreaming of happily ever after ? 

While we are here in my safe place , can I ask if any of you cry when you are frustrated ? I just wish sometimes that I wasn't such an emotional person. I wish I could just talk and express my thoughts and feelings with out tears. I don't cry because I'm sad or depressed but that's what it must come across as. I seem to need some reverse kind of anger management ! Saying that I'm often quite angry with myself after one of these confrontations as I'll never get taken seriously if I'm a blubbering , snotty wreck ! 

                                     

    

      So I've had another week of ups and downs, a balanced life really. Actually many more good times than difficulties . We've had a few pieces of really good news as a family so that's just perfect. If I needed any reminder of how incredibly lucky I am it came this afternoon.  Ironically I'd just messaged my bud to say "how lucky am I " before logging onto FB and being greeted with the incredibly sad news that 3 year old Ivie had passed away whilst waiting for a heart transplant. There it was in a newspaper article a slap in the face , a jolt to stop me taking for granted all I have.

            Maybe rather than being afraid of the uncertainty I should embrace it, maybe some change would be a good thing.........with a little forward planning of course ! I am one of the luckiest people to have my Eloise and my three other awesome children. I have everything I need and in amongst all this uncertainty my love for them is certain to grow stronger every day. 

                                   

Permission to do Nothing.

          

Next week, I'm going to give myself permission to do nothing ! With the added bonus of not doing that mum thing of feeling guilty. I probably should have done this a week earlier as I'm still not 100% over my cold and it's now sinusitis. How can you be ill when you have a family to look after ? Self care comes after taking care of the needs of your children, even if dragging yourself to the kitchen nearly breaks you. 

      It's only 7 weeks since the last school holiday but I feel so ready for this break, life remains busy, the wheels continue to spin, the plates are just about being juggled in the air and I'm tired. So it's time to stand still and accept the moment. Take a look at life in it's crazy entirety . It's been a productive few weeks and they've been positive with mainly good news. Needing the whole roof sorted out wasn't in my spending plans but what's money over health ? Broken belongings can be fixed at a price, broken people not so easily ! I think the germs got me as I'm run down, exhausted, over extended, overwhelmed and ready to snap. I know my life looks pretty easy and up against other people's maybe it is, but there's only one of me to shoulder the load.

           Sometimes I know I take on too much, I try to be everything to everyone and I try to achieve more than I can reasonably accomplish. There is only so much my body, mind and spirit can take. Hello insomnia my old friend, I had five weeks of sleeping really well but now I've been reunited with broken sleep as I've so much on my mind. I'm one of those people who likes to fix things whether it be people or objects. If I can't I struggle. So it's time to scream stop ! I need to give myself a good talking to , always capable of giving out sound advise but poor at listening to my own needs.

       I need to cut myself some slack and pull back a little. Physically I need to get back into a good sleep pattern again as that felt good. I need to reunite with gym again as he makes me feel better physically and as a bonus mentally. Perhaps swimming would work for me right now. Also the sauna and steam room are good places to relax and concentrate on just breathing. Having a long hot bath with luxurious bubbles or a bath bomb helps my tired muscles and my ticking mind. I like to have a bath in the evening with just candles for light and some relaxing music playing. Maybe walk a bit more, obviously I walk over five and a half miles a day but I'm thinking walking on the downs, around the Zoo or a National Trust property. 

     Mentally I need to breathe ! Deep breathing to calm my mind. I find it easier to breathe outside so this is where going for a walk will help me. I need to chill out and give myself permission to watch a chick flick or trashy TV. To just sit there on the sofa under a blanket. I need to play , so a few days of making Lego, playing on the Wii, doing jigsaws etc should help there and I do love my Jellycat soft toys . Music, I need to blast out a few tunes, listen to same favourites and dance around the room. I need to feel carefree and in the moment rather than full of stress. I need to take time away from certain situations and people and concentrate on myself so that I'm refreshed for them . I just need to be.

    Emotionally I need a release, I guess this is happening right now as I write. I usually come to this blog when I need to off load. I need to observe how I'm feeling, I'm good at interpreting how others are but not so great with myself. I'm sure that's the same with the majority of us? This is a tough one, I need to be proud of all I've done and who I am rather than always being dissatisfied with what I've not achieved. I'm my own worse critic and I self sabotage frequently. I need to cut some of the negativity about myself and concentrate on the good. I need to give myself permission to cry, actually this is quite easy for me, I cry quite a bit in private. Just because the tears flow, apparently chemicals and hormones are released to create a more relaxed and positive state of mind ! Who knew ? I only produce a red face, blotchy puffy eyes and endless snot ! 

       Let's talk Facebook, how are you all finding it ? I think it's an amazing thing to keep in touch with friends and family close by . It's also helped me connect with other transplant families which is fabulous. However it's quite an emotional drain at times, it sucks you in and churns you around. When I scroll past it often makes me feel guilty but if I reply I get tons of notifications and I get distracted by that. I'm trying to find a balance between my reality and supporting the real Facebook friends and possibly deleting a few people. I don't like hurting people's feelings but I've never met these guys and I'm sure they've other people around them who can meet their emotional needs better than I can ! 

        So Rebecca, I give you permission to nothing and not feel guilty. Time to recharge, refresh and reconnect with what's important. I usually resist doing nothing and I genuinely like being busy but am I doing these tasks to distract myself from thinking ? It can be scary to be left with your own thoughts and feelings can't it ? To sit there and feel the anxiety, the sadness, anger and worry swirl around you. The emotions you kept tethered seep out in a muddled mess. If you're doing nothing there is no way to divert your attention from them. But they need to be dealt with really so here goes.......if I let the worries out they can be replaced with good feelings instead, well that's the plan. 

                                            

                                   

                                      

     

     Next week, I'm going to do whatever I want, live for the moment and see where it takes me. No fixed schedule just freedom to spend quality time with my family. I think by releasing my need to feel busy I will get a lot of benefits in the long term. I'm looking forward to being more relaxed, less stressed, decreased tension in my body, increased focus and direction, improved connections with those who are important to me and a greater appreciation for all I have right now.

     So here goes it's time to do nothing ! Wish me luck.