Birthday Reflections

  

       

      

Yesterday it was my birthday, I'm not really one to go all out on my own birthday. As a child they were always good, but as an adult less so. Over the last couple of years there have been a couple of bad ones, 2010 S forgot, no cards or gifts, that felt horrible, obviously his mind was with his mistress. Then in 2013 we were at Gosh and Eloise was diagnosed with rejection for the second time. Felt so sick and worried about her, so birthday thoughts and cake were forgotten. 

So here I am another year older but no wiser ! I'm wondering when I'll feel "grown up" ? I look at my life and the responsibilities I have, my four dependant children, my home, my finances and my job etc and think how did I get here, I'm not old enough or adult enough for all of this ! Stupid I know I'm 46 now, creaking ( quite often ) nearer to 50 ! 

       

        The number itself doesn't worry me, it's just that a number, I feel no different today than I did earlier in the week, I didn't suddenly age.....it's just a slow decline. Do you remember waking up on your birthday and looking in the mirror to see what you looked like another year older ? Being excited to see yourself at the ripe old age of 7. I can't say looking into a mirror thrills me these days, post make up not so traumatic, pre foundation scaffold quite horrific . There's something to be said about not putting my contact lenses in too soon, blurred reflection. I have just reached the going ever so slightly long sighted age, thankfully I can sort that out with varied focal contact lenses, phew. I love sunglasses but I'm not keen on glasses preferring the normal surround vision I get from my lenses. 

    I fear I will be one of those old ladies that falls over and breaks her hip, I think I trip up nearly every time I go out. I wonder if I was a child again whether I'd be diagnosed with dyspraxia ? I have always been clumsy. So maybe I should start some kind of calcium supplement ? I'll put that on my to do list, I often scan the bottles of vitamins and minerals in Boots then I walk away empty handed. Too confusing an array ! 

    I don't think I have ever been one of those people with life goals, ie before I'm 25 I want to be engaged, by 27 married, first child before I'm 30 and so forth. So I've no idea where I thought I'd be at right now. I doubt I'd have said divorced, but then if you thought that you'd never bother getting married . Otherwise I guess life is in the right place. I expect I'd have thought I would have achieved more of a nursing carer. It's hard to know whether I gave up on career progression because of what happened to Eloise or if I never had it in me anyway. Perhaps a bit of both. I wonder if I should have chosen a different career pathway, I guess I was shoved into nursing post school work experience. Don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people and there have been plenty of rewarding times but now I'm unsure what to do next. It's when I think I've still got another 20 years to go, can I keep on nursing ? On the other hand I know nothing else I've been nursing since 1989. I have no other skills, some of them will be transferable skills I guess. 

     My life on the whole has been good, I'm sure if I didn't have the worry and the stress of Eloise's transplant I'd fret about something else. We all have worries don't we. Just with health it's pretty much out of your control, especially when there's no cure and treatment causes more issues. After never getting a cold while on azathioprine Eloise has had a few on MMF which is a shame. Like she said though a cold is better then rejection, such a wise child ! She's been off school for two days battling another virus, thankfully she's better now. I try to remain happy but it's a pretty constant worry with Eloise. She's not made my hair go grey yet , well the blonde is covering up the white. 

  How can I worry about getting older when it's something denied to many ? It's a privilege isn't it, every day a bonus. No one knows what's around the corner, if we did we'd probably sit back and give up. When you are confronted by a truly difficult situation head on you fight it, it's in everyone of us the passion to survive. So I'd better get a move on and prepare for battle. Today's battles should just be small ones......anyone want to take Henry shoe shopping ?

      

                                      

The Wait

Waiting - 

                       

   What type of person are you when you're waiting for something to happen ? 

Are you inpatient ? 

Do you remain calm ?

Are you excited ? 

Are you scared ? 

Do you remain positive....hopeful ? 

What if the wait is prolonged with no end time ? It could be days, weeks, years or never as time could run out. 

Could you live like that ? 

This is how it is for those living on the transplant list.  They are in limbo , lives on hold, not just their life but the lives of their close family members too. Not only are they waiting at the same time their health is deteriorating for some the deterioration is slow for others its rapid leading to multi organ failure and they then need hospitalisation and life support. Then the family becomes split. This then makes the wait even more unbearable . Also you know time and options are running out. It's a daily battle to keep the person "well" enough to receive a transplant. 

My family was lucky we were spared the wait as Eloise was transplanted 24 hours after being listed. From diagnosis to transplant was a short sharp three weeks. No time to think too much, to ponder the ifs , whys and maybes. I didn't appreciate then how lucky we were, why would I things were pretty hideous. Now I know we were spared the gut wrenching wait. I know when we were at the Freeman pre transplant they asked if we'd like to meet another family, one with a post transplant child. We declined, deciding we didn't need to learn about something that might not happen for us, an organ might not have been available for Eloise. 

Now I've been a spectator while other families have waited for their loved one to have a transplant. It's hard to find the right words to say sometimes, to give words of encouragement and hope. It's hard watching little ones fight so many battles to survive, children the same age as Eloise was. Seeing them covered in wires knowing only another family can save them by donating their child's organs. No one wants to think of a child dying it's not the right order in life. The wait can have other implications , daily life comes with expenses . People have mortgages, homes that need maintaining, bills to pay, families to feed etc. This just adds to the worry. 

It's not as if a transplant can be scheduled in , it must be hard waiting for a cataract operation or a hip replacement both debilitating but you can be given a date for your procedure. You're not only waiting for someone on the organ donor register to die and their family to say yes. You're waiting for your match. Blood Group, Tissue type, organ size etc all have to match and you need to be top of the urgent list, oh and stable enough to withstand the operation. The odds just seem stacked against you. Thankfully for most of my #transplantfamily the call comes in time, as a group we've been lucky but occasionally luck runs out. Recently we have learnt of Mr P his wife joined our group after he passed away waiting for a transplant call that never came. We also followed baby Willow's story and sadly she too passed without receiving a heart transplant. It makes us realise how lucky we have been , lucky that our loved one received an organ just in time. 

      So thank you to all the amazing donor families who have spared us grief when they were grieving. I hope you all know how much you mean to us. We remember your loved one and live life to the full, looking after the gifted organ. 

                        

    So think about it decide if you or a loved one could survive the agonising wait knowing that 17 million people haven't made their decision about organ donation. Knowing only 31% of people in the UK have signed the organ donor register. Knowing 3 people every day die waiting for an organ, real people not just statistics. I'm sure if someone you loved needed an organ transplant you'd be here campaigning with me, you'd see how desperate it can be . You'd see how frustrating it is that 96% of us agree with organ donation in principle then for whatever reason don't bother to sign up to the register. I just cannot understand why. Dead is just that , why not spare someone else death when your own death is inevitable ? Please help me get more people on the register #onemore person can potentially save 9 lives. I know I've already got 6 people signed up this week so a few more would be great ! 

   Eloise's story could have ended right here 9th June 2002 on a ventilator at The Freeman Hospital in Newcastle. 

       

But her story continues ,13 extra precious years, and each year is another chapter.........

      

Commitment

Commitment - 

       

Yesterday I started to wear a very beautiful ring chosen for me by my boyfriend Warren. It's white gold and diamonds made special as he selected it for me without my knowledge, cunningly taking one of my Pandora rings and getting my ring size from that. 

                     

      

        We're not engaged, it's early days, we have time for that if it's the right path for us as a couple. At the moment we have no engagement leading to marriage plans. No cash either if any of you would like to start a "Go Find Me" page. I can provide the love story and Eloise's story to increase public interest......please note this is my attempt at humour ! 

Why bother with a ring then? For that answer you'll have to ask Warren it was his lovely idea. I didn't need the ring to know how much Warren cares for me, he's always been very open with his feelings where as I'm more of a closed book. I guess by sharing the pictures of us together and the picture of the ring you also know how much he loves me. I struggle more with the showing emotion thing and I don't make so many open declarations but that doesn't mean I don't care.

       

           Between us we have three failed marriages and at the moment two divorces until mine is completed. We have both gone through marriage breakdowns because of adultery. So for us to have trust it's a big, no huge deal, the be all and end all of our relationship. I know we cannot judge a new relationship on past ones but it's hard not to be cautious, to protect yourself you hold back. Yesterday while walking around Bristol we saw three or four Weddings taking place, everyone looked so happy . I hope they have all found their Happliy Ever After.

         We are content with what we have right now. As we have time with just each other as a couple, time with my children being a family , time with our individual friends and hobbies and time alone. A perfect mix that's working well for all of us. So I'm not ready to unbalance all of that . It's hard for a bachelor to fit into the busy, hectic life of a single mother of four but Warren's doing ok. It's not always easy, I'll be honest the kids especially Henry can stress Warren right out. Amazingly he's managed to give up smoking and now vapour as well !  This family conflicts can lead to some tension but I guess that's like any family, blended, step family etc ? We work that though until calm is restored. Warren won't replace the kids dad, he doesn't need to but he can spend quality time with them as well. I think my children and Warren get something out of knowing each other. My children will always come first in my life and Warren after them .I'm entitled to my own happiness as well and I have enough love for them all. 

          If Warren and I stay together it will be a natural progression that he'll move in with us as I have a family home. So therefore we have to get this right for all our sakes. We aren't ready for that. I'm sure though my Ex will be rubbing his hands in glee as if we cohabit it means he can cut back on the maintenance money . So at least one person will be happy for us 😉. 

        

        

   So thank you lovely people for your congratulations it really does mean a lot to both of us and we do appreciate all the support we have. I'm glad you are happy for us, as a sensible friend just posted on my FB "Life's too short to not be happy " 

                   love you all lots. X 

Let's get personal

                         

How true is this quote ? If you aren't part of the transplant world how much time do you spend thinking about organ donation ? Any time at all ? I guess if you're my FB friend you're bombarded with it daily , I make no apologies for that, it's a huge part of my life. 

     In 1989 I signed the organ donor register,  when I started my nurse training, never for one moment thinking I'd be relying on organ donation to keep my own child alive. I signed up because I believed if you can help someone after your death then why not, what's the point in destroying healthy organs that could save someone else's life. 

So fast forward quite a few years and I'm being told my previously well toddler has myocarditis , which led to dilated cardiomyopathy all from a simple childhood illness Hand, Foot and mouth. Her only chance of survival a heart transplant. I needed someone to say yes to organ donation, someone that had the same beliefs as me , that organ donation was the best outcome from the tragic passing of their loved one. We know Eloise got her call. Imagine if that call never came, my daughter would have been one of the three people a day that die waiting on the list, a statistic, a cruel one. This does happen, it's real, just this week a four month old baby lost her fight while waiting on the list for a heart transplant. The call never came it's just so awful. 

 

         What I can't understand though is why when questioned an impressive 96% of the UK public agree with organ donation, that's just amazing right ? 

Well actually no it's not because only 33% of them have bothered to sign the online register. It takes just two minutes a few clicks, just a TV ad break, a game of Candy Crush, a selfie, watching a YouTube video or any of those other things we do daily while wasting time. We must all have two minutes to spare ! Scrolling down Twitter or FaceBook feed how many times have you already done that today ? 

Did it enhance or change you life in any way ? 

Do you feel fulfilled ? 

Imagine becoming someone's Hero , that's what organ donors are.

      So come on guys get off social media and pop over to NHSBT and sign the organ donor register 

https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/register-to-donate/ 

It's easy , I know you're all capable. Do this for all those waiting for life saving and life enhancing transplants. 

    If you need a reason I know plenty of them , all real, all with lives on hold as they wait for their call to come. Do this for Taylor, Eloise's friend he's nearly 16 years old, he used to be sporty , fit and active but now he can't even walk upstairs without being short of breath. That's no life, he desperately needs a second heart transplant , he needs his call. Waiting takes its toll on the whole family, life's not the same when you're in limbo. I'm thinking of my friend Donna, Taylor's mum, my pineapple she's an amazing lady but this is hard for her and there's little I can do to help. But if reading this inspires you to sign up I guess I've achieved something small. For Donna........

                           

So there you go you know how I feel about organ donation, ever so slightly passionate ! It's National Transplant Week coming up guys and this year they've moved it to September to coincide with Eloise's and Taylor's birthdays I guess 😊. Eloise's 15th birthday is on the day it starts the 7th, her 14th extra birthday because of organ donation. You could get yourself a donor card to honour Eloise's and Taylor's birthdays , the only gift needed is a transplant for Taylor so that will be the cake candle blowing wish this year. 

       

The Hooks of Reality

       

 

Here I am on the Morning of our last full day in Turkey although we don't leave our resort until 9pm tomorrow. 

    It's been a relaxing break, I've read 6 books so far and I expect the tally to rise by at least another book. I've enjoyed swimming which is quite necessary here as you need to dip to cool down. We've had some great nights and and enjoyed delicious meals. The company has worked well for us all. I've slept well every night even if I wake early the sleep quality has been good.

       

     Now however I'm restless, awake extra early as my minds gone into overdrive. I'm thinking, working things out, mulling things over. My stomach is churning and unsettled and being an unadventurous eater I cannot blame the food ! 

I'm envisaging the large pile of letters waiting for us, a lot will be junk mail but there will be bills to settle and a letter or two from my solicitor. One a demand for payment for time spent on my case the other a proposal to put to S my Ex regarding our financial settlement. I need that settled so badly but appreciate it has to be done to ensure my children are provided for in the best way possible, the outcome needs to give them the security they deserve. 

      Then I'll need to be super organised as I think S is coming to collect Henry and Millie to take them to his house for a long weekend, I don't think Eloise wants to go. She'll need to rest anyway as we only arrive home at 3am Tuesday and we'll be on the 8.34am train to London on Wednesday. Not the best thought out time for an appointment but it's already delayed because of our holiday plans. So it's nearly GOSH Transplant clinic time , it always fills me with dread. Eloise has had puffy ankles while here only twice and once was post boat trip and the other within the first 48 hours of being here, so I'm hoping that's just heat related as it resolved quickly. She also has a bit of prickly heat but looks a picture of health , her factor 50 suncream has done the trick she's as pale as ever ! She's spent a fair amount inside on her Tablet, watching TV , eating chocolate delivered by Warren and partaking in her favourite pastime sleeping ! I'll be seeing my lovely friend Pineapple at clinic and her son who desperately needs a second transplant, looking forward to seeing how much Tay has grown and giving Pineapple a huge squeeze. That's the good part of clinic catching up with special friends who understand the life you are living. Never totally free from the shackles of transplant but desperate to make sure every day is a happy one. Forever thankful that your child got a transplant in time but forever fearful it won't work forever. Some days it's hard to get that balance as fear freezes you, then I look at Eloise and see a happy face , last night she was whizzy around on a fairground ride, enjoying herself. If others are happy she's happy, she asks for nothing in life more than that. I think she's amazing , her take on life is refreshingly simple if not sometimes of the wall ! 

                                       

      

   So more memories have been made, more photos, must do an album rather than just sticking them on Face Book or leaving them neglected on a memory card. I have albums of pictures until I got a digital camera then they all stopped, I hardly printed any pictures, sad really. I think this will be a good Winter project, downloading , backing up and saving precious memories. 

  So enough whinging, writing it down has helped like it always does. Life's good and we're very lucky to have had a wonderful two week holiday in the Sun and to have spent quality time as a family, when Millie's not on the wifi 😉 Looking forward to more lovey trips away with my gang and more special days at home, oh and a good pot of Earl Grey Tea would be nice ! Might need cake and a Bake Off catch up on Tuesday, that's good for the soul ! 

Ordinary is the Key

       

    

Just an ordinary day in my house Today, children scattered all over the house. Eloise is downloading films onto her tablet. Millie is singing and playing the keyboard. Henry is engaged in some loud battle between piles of green plastic soldiers. Leah is chilling out making a video of her friends and Warren is watching a DVD . I'm relaxing in solitude, with a cup of tea while listening to a new album "This is Acoustics"  We've all consumed a hearty roast dinner. I like ordinary it's relaxing. Ordinary not to be confused with boring, it's never boring here ! S my ex joined us for lunch , see I guess that's not ordinary , but it works. 

       

    

          I'm content, life is pretty level at the minute, a holiday high is incoming which is very exciting. Of course I'm hoping a low isn't looming as Eloise has Heart Transplant Clinic at GOSH next month. But for now I'll push those pre appointment anxieties to the back of my mind, lock them in with the key and concentrate on making great memories with my family, my partner and my friend over the next two weeks.

 I know we are very lucky to be able to afford to go on holiday. It's something I desperately didn't want to give up when my marriage broke down. I think it always brings us closer together as a family, an intense regrouping session away from all the other day to day distractions. So I manage to save up for it all year around in a separate account and it's worth every penny. To be able to unwind, relax, read, eat, drink, swim and feel the heat of the sun.....

     As Eloise's illness was sudden we never put our lives on hold waiting for her to have a transplant it just all happened at once, diagnosis, intensive care, ventilated, transferred to transplant centre and transplanted all in three weeks. I cannot imagine not being able to make plans, I like plans, I like to book things, arrange things for us all to look forward to. You can't do that so freely when you're living on the transplant list. You cannot leave the country or stray too far from your transplant centre. You need to be "on call" and ready 24/7 . That must be incredibly hard, you become imprisoned I guess and life shrinks around you as you get more sick waiting, confined to your home or a hospital bed. Yet at the same time I'm sure you want life to keep ticking over, make memories and fill each day with hope that tomorrow will be a better day. How you stay sane I do not know, maybe you don't ? One things for sure you're never the same again. 

   So we are incredibly lucky I'm going on holiday with my extraordinary daughter Eloise, we are free to enjoy her life, and we do. Last night one minute we were planning to eat at home next minute Warren, Eloise and I were at Burger Joint an amazing local Burger Bar, because we wanted to, because we could . 

I just wish all our friends waiting for transplants received their call, organ donation is the key to opening up your life again. We will always be grateful for the extra 13 years of life given to Eloise and always hope for many more healthy years. ❤️

 Sadly organ donation figures were at an all time low last year and the list of those waiting just got larger. We need to do something about this as soon we'll be saying 4 people in the UK due waiting each day for an organ transplant. That's just too awful to contemplate. So let's make this years National Transplant Week the best ever, no excuse, join together and get as many new people signing the organ donor register. This year it's the 7th-13th of September. The 7th of September is Eloise's 15th birthday so if you want to get her a card make sure it's a Donor Card ! 

The Questions

The Questions -  

Heart transplantation is not considered to be a cure for heart disease, but a life-saving treatment intended to improve the quality of life for recipients.

                       

There have been many questions asked over the years about Eloise and her heart transplant, so I've put the ones that reoccur the most into this blog post. I guess it just clarifies a few things and yet again gives me an outlet to off load more thoughts .

 In the beginning I tried to shield many people from the reality of Eloise having a heart transplant. I didn't want to speak up or out about it, it was too hard, too raw, too emotional. Now I've got stronger, braver maybe ? Now I know it's ok to not be ok, does that make sense ? Ask me anything now and I can answer it, give you the truth but you have to make sure you want to hear it. Maybe for you it's better things are left unsaid ?

     

           When we came home from hospital for the first time after Eloise's transplant it was tough. You had those people that didn't know what to say, they avoided you. You had those that thought it frightfully exciting, well interesting, just wow, they wanted to know everything. One of these people was Eloise's Health Visitor, she arrived with no knowledge of heart transplant children but wanted to know the full "how interesting " story. So frustrating educating someone who should be providing you with support. I'm not sure if we ever saw her again !  

 

What was Eloise's  diagnosis , did you know she needed a heart transplant when she was born ? 

Nope complete surprise, that doesn't sound right, ahhhh yes not a surprise a bloody huge shock. Eloise was born with a structurally normal heart , she had a fetal echo when I was 20 weeks pregnant and also as she was 8 weeks premature her heart was checked again while she was in NICU. Sadly a mild childhood virus ( hand, foot and mouth disease ) caused a rare complication. Eloise had myocarditis, an infection of the heart muscle. This left her with cardiomyopathy , essentially an enlarged baggy heart that only functioned at 13%. When she was diagnosed initially there was a small glimmer of hope that her heart may over time recovered from the virus , so she was ventilated and given medication to support her heart. Sadly her condition deteriorated further until transplantation offered her the only chance of survival. 

Did Eloise have a whole / complete heart transplant ? 

Yes you can't have half a heart transplant but you can have donor heart valves. Eloise didn't just have a repair job she had a full engine change. Never one do do things by halves ! 

Do you feel sad when you think about someone dying to keep her alive ? 

Of course I'm only human, being a nurse it's been my role to preserve life not to take it for granted. But the sadness isn't all consuming, I don't think about it all the time. I guess I think of Zara and her mum Rebecca rather than Zara dying . It was much harder initially such huge amounts of guilt your child alive because another family's baby died. That's tough emotionally made even harder when you are dealing with your own precious child who has had major life changing surgery . Eloise was fit and well then boom, I have a child with a complex medical condition. A child who is now classed as life limited. I feel I have grieved for my own child as well as Zara. I feel bereaved as I have lost my healthy child and it's a battle to keep her well. I have to hand her over to health professionals for tests so they can reassure me that all is well with her transplanted heart. 

 Another scenario in this situation could have been two children dying from illnesses so I have to believe Eloise living is the best outcome for both my family and Zara's. 

Is she fine now ? 

      Tough one, easy answer yes thanks, but I'm interpreting "is she fine now ?" To not just mean Today . I'm thinking when someone asks me this they are thinking long term. So honest answer yes she's great right now ( leaning heavily on right now, today ) thanks. 

Deeper answer.......does anyone actually want to hear it ? Transplantation is wonderful but you swap one set of issues for another, it's a constant juggling act . The tests never stop happening, there's no cure, no lull really or respite from worry. It's not they've had the transplant now yippee all fixed. Wouldn't that be just fabulous ! Regular blood tests, echo's, ecg's, exercise tests and angiograms. Ahh the angiogram always lovely signing a consent form with risk of death as a complication ! Then the big whammy you get given facts and figures pre transplant of post transplant life expectancy. "Normal" children don't come with those do they ? When I was desperate for my child to live one more day hearing average life expectancy 5-10 years didn't seem that bad when I heard it 13 years ago. Now we've exceeded that things seem a little scarier but I think the new figures are 15-20 years. Not great, but progress. But statistics are so hard to hear, read, process. As well as life expectancy rates you get given percentage of how many heart transplant recipients live for one year, five years, ten years. She's not a statistic she's my daughter. Never just a statistic ! 

So yes, Eloise is fine but it takes a group of skilled people to keep her that way and her determination of course. You cannot take anything for granted with Eloise's health she can be really unwell yet show no outward signs, her body compensates so well. 

Will she always need to take medication ? 

     Until recently I would have always said yes and I guess she will always take a prescription or two but there have been medical advances recently looking into manipulating the immune system so perhaps one day anti rejection drugs and their side effects maybe a thing of the past. But for now popping a few pills in order to stay alive, fit and well is easy for Eloise and just part of her normal routine. 

Will she need a second heart transplant ? 

I just don't know, I've no idea why the first transplant doesn't work out as well for some , there seems to be no correlation with life style, etc as young children need second hearts . Then I know of other individuals transplanted 30 years plus and they are fit and well. If the Drs knew the winning combination everyone transplanted would be living longer. I'm lucky to know people who have received second transplants to get that reassurance it can happen again . The problem with being listed again is in my opinion the psychological side of things your naivety has gone, you're in the transplant world already, eyes wide open. 

How do you cope ? 

You'd cope too you know, what other choice is there ? You cannot give up on your child, seeing them fight so hard gives you the strength to keep going. I don't think I've regretted letting Eloise have a heart transplant . I've admitted before I was unsure whether to get her listed initially, thinking a life of hospitalisation but when she survived a flight to Newcastle I had to say yes to her being listed. I needed to give her a chance. I suppose we try to live for the day and enjoy each day, making memories when ever we can. Of course my mind still wanders, I'm still frightened I'll outlive my child, experience life without such an important part of myself in it, my baby, my child, my Eloise but she's here, she's happy, she's very much alive. I guess we never take life for granted , we enjoy our time together, we create memories and are quite spontaneous. Hence our house renovations are quite behind schedule as something better to do always comes first ! So to me living day to day can be a bonus, we appreciate what we have, each other. 

How do you live like that ? Knowing you could lose her ? 

What choice do I have ? Tell me ? 

We live a normal family life. Eloise pops a few pills in the morning and another handful at night, she goes to school, she comes home and sits in front of a computer screen, I throw food and drink at her, later she goes to bed. Repeated times five, weekends just involve more sleep and more sitting in front of a screen, with the odd reluctant trip outside. I know quite boring ! So just like a lot of her teenage peers. Four times a year she has an outpatients appointment if she's behaving they aren't too big a deal. I know lots of people who have to put up with more than that to keep their children well and alive. Of course when Eloise is blipping it's hard, while trying to be optimistic, fear sneaks freely into my head. Fear is usually boxed away and reserved for appointments. Then life's a little tougher, it's uncertain and can be demanding mentally and physically. Juggling, the needs of Eloise's three other siblings, family commitments, running a home and work can be difficult and exhausting but we've been lucky and we've only had one tough year since the first.