4 Years On

     

Monday the 27th of April 2015, not much of a date really , I'll be at work and the children all at school. Yet it's a date that 4 years previously changed our family dynamics in just once click of the computer mouse. The day I found out ,by innocently looking for another email, that my husband was having an affair with his childhood female friend. Later on that Evening I found out this affair was 9 months old, not really in its infancy. The hardest bit ? Trust lost, I thought we had that at least and mostly the devastation seen in Leah's face my eldest child, our first born, daddy's girl. She'd seen her daddy kissing this woman 8 months earlier but had been too afraid to speak up, too scared that we'd be angry, too worried about life as she knew it collapsing around her. I think that was the real horror in the situation , I cannot imagine how troubled she must have been keeping that secret to herself. 

           What had we done to these 4 innocent children ? Our marriage broken down and their idea of family broken for ever. I say we as No I didn't have an affair but there has to be a reason for a partner to seek solice and comfort etc, etc elsewhere. I cannot be without blame but I however feel no guilt. 

           I could analyse where things went wrong, beat myself up, with what ifs and whys. 

But did things actually go wrong ? 

Didn't they just come right ? 

Aren't we now all enjoying the life we want, need, love with those we want to be with ? My answer would be YES. 

 Things after that first gut wrenching shock were ok, each month becoming easier until this life became our normal. Our normal is good, it works. It's fun, chaotic, busy, demanding, happy, colourful and free. I hope others looking into our unit of 5 can see that maybe even feel it. 

Lone Parenting, even that wasn't new to me, I feel I've always solo parented my children with a tiny bit of weekend input from S, that's not changed. What's changed is that I don't resent that any more, Im not watching someone do very little practically for their family while I do the lion share. Bringing my children up on my own has given me confidence, I'm happy I'm doing the parent "job" to the best of my abilities. I find it relatively easy as long as Eloise's health is behaving !  I'm pretty self reliant and determined. We live in a house of minimal conflict ( it didn't sound like that earlier when Millie was having a screech) , well no parental conflict for the children to witness ! They can still tear into each other ! 

      My bond with the children is extremely strong, which is the best bit. I only have to share them a little bit. I even find that hard sometimes like over the post Christmas period when Henry stayed at S's house in Eastbourne knowing J the other woman was there. The three youngest will be spending 2 weekends at S's house in May half term, it doesn't fill me with joy but then again I have to be realistic they're with me a huge percentage of the time. I guess I just don't want Her interacting with my children ! My babies are growing up fast and I can see positive strengths growing in them. They are also becoming confident , self reliant, they are responsible, caring and even Henry has a good level of independence for a 6 year old. Leah is a young woman now, with a mind of her own, I admire her strength, she knows what she wants in life and I don't doubt for a minute that she'll not achieve all she desires. I hope that follows for her younger 3 siblings, they are most definitely doing their best at school to reach their full potentials. Ultimately I want them to be happy and healthy. 

       

      

    I see lone parenting as a real positive for us, but of course for most of you lovely people being a couple and bringing up your children together is your positive. So please don't ever split up just to experience life on the others side, the grass isn't always greener !!!!

   It's hard looking at pictures of the children in 2011 to see how young they were, to think Henry has spent two thirds of his life with just me bringing him up. He doesn't remember life any differently. I think in reality this has hit Millie the hardest she was just 7 almost 8. She craves the most attention and is the most demanding ! Bless her ! 

                          

   Four years now of being a separated woman, a single parent. The divorce is ongoing and could be finalised as soon as the finances are in order. We've been advised by our solicitors not to do that until we've reached a conclusion with our financial settlement. That's ok, it's already taken time and I want us to get this bit right ! I'm not going to change my name I've had it for 19 years now, I in all honesty cannot be bothered to change every document, Bill, bank account etc. I'm also going to keep the title Mrs after my divorce, I guess I can do that , can't I ? 

  So tomorrow we'll be together over the weekend celebrating all we have, being a family and eating Dominio's pizza as per tradition just a couple of days early . 

Mindfulness

On Friday we had a work Study Day one of the sessions was on Mindfulness. 

What is Mindfulness ? 

Mindfulness is a mind-body approach to well-being that can help you change the way you think about experiences and reduce stress and anxiety. Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment, using techniques like meditation, breathing and yoga. It helps us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings so that instead of being overwhelmed by them, we’re better able to manage them.

 

We did some work using a couple of the relaxation techniques one releasing stressful tension from each part of our body; the other using breathing techniques. I'm not entirely sure either were for me or that I'll use them again but I still took something away from the session. 

   I think over the years especially in the last two I have become more "mindful" of my own mental health and I've found ways of protecting it. The strategies I use work for me and I can recognise when stress, fear, anxiety etc is building up inside me. I'm due an incoming boat load of stress in the next week or so as Eloise's three monthly cardiology appointment is looming. Therefore expect this Facebook Status " locked in the bathroom, candles burning, Earl Grey Tea, soft music and a Lush Bath bomb" The solitude is part of my defence mechanism , the need not to talk is quite strong. I'm probably not easy to get through to during these episodes which can be hard for others to accept. That used to make me feel guilty but I've let that go and put my needs first. By writing my Blog I've found another outlet and that's good, writing things down, acknowledging my feelings, thoughts, fears in this way is a good step. This works better for me than taking during tougher periods of anxiety. When saying things out loud seem too final , too defeatist. This is an easier medium. 

   I'm extremely lucky I have a lot of "me" time, my four children are all in full time education and I only work 2-3 days a week. The work life balance I have is fantastic and I'm truly grateful for that. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if I should do more then something happens like Eloise's rejection episode and year of blips or even my prolonged flu and chest infection episode that reminds me what a fine balance it actually is. I can just about still juggle all the balls in the air and manage everything when life throws a curve ball ! In reality I don't possess the juggling skill ! 

I like this picture, it speaks volumes 

       

Honestly I have to say my mind flits backwards sometimes, wishing something's were different , imagine if Eloise never caught Hand, Foot and Mouth Virus ? Amazing that something like a "simple" childhood illness changed the direction of our life and potentially our future as a family. What would life have been like if it never happened, no illness, no transplant , no anxieties about Eloise's health, no fear of her dying prematurely. But it did happen, it happened in the past and mostly life has been good and kind to us over the past 12 years so that has to be remembered too. So that's the past.

The future can be a scary and unpredictable place, none of us knows what will happen but we just have to hope that life's good and kind, happy and healthy. That Life is the best it can be for us all. Therefore it's best not to let worries about the future engulf you too much and let you miss out on the here and now. 

   The present......we're here family life is good ! It's now been nine months since Warren and I met. Things are going well and having him around has been of benefit to us all. Millie of course would say differently ! We do so much as a family and recently enjoyed our first family trip to Northern Ireland. It's great having someone help us sort the house and garden out and we're enjoying doing the work together as a team. It's nice being looked after . Thank you Warren x

                                       

     

        

So take a look at Mindfulness it may work for you.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/mindfulness.aspx

  Just try to take a few minutes a day to relax yourself , a bit of quality me time to unwind, so the day to day stresses don't become a burden. This small amount of time could increase your mental well being and make you prioritise what's important in life and what you can let go. ❤️