How do you view me ? How do I view you ?
I'd like to think I'm a positive person, someone who can look on the bright side of things in almost all situations that life throws at me. Let's be honest she's thrown a lot at me over the years ! Bitch !!!!! I try to do my best as a human but stuff still goes wrong and things out of my control happen. It's just life. I think it's how you deal with whatever life throws at you is what matters , it's definitely what has ultimately changed me and helped me cope. If that's actually what I'm doing ?!
There is always the temptation to see things in black and white and therefore assume the worst and to miss out on the positive things. It's easy to forget the good things as the mind fixates on the bad. This is what it would be like in my head if I let it, but I decided that I can't live like that. I can't live under a black rain cloud so I search for rainbows. If I'm really happy I sprinkle life with glitter and sparkle too ! Black doesn't really suit me and I'm too clumsy to wear white. I love colour and ultimately I like printed dresses and shirts. I love my bright clothes , whether they suit me is another matter. The fact I don't actually care is priceless. Reaching the age when you are comfortable being you is such a blessing. Who makes the clothing rules anyway ?
I'm normal I do have anxieties and sometimes I feel they're drowning me but I have to surface from them and see what's around me. I think as I've coped so far with a few life changing events including the big one Eloise needing a heart transplant and the subsequent health challenges that brings , other things are more manageable even when going wrong. I know I'm lucky mentally to have not gone through any episodes of depression and even my sadness is manageable and short lived. I don't think my life gives me too much time to dwell or overthink. I like a busy schedule, I love plans and if all else fails I go to the gym. My days are never long in fact I could do with an extension. Sadly though trying to grab that extra hour of time in the evening seems to lead to me having a very over active brain which in turn triggers my insomnia. I totally appreciate that financially I can afford my gym membership , cake habit and the plans that involve, meals out, theatre trips, cinema, NT and holidays. So I can add so much loveliness into my life, so much to enjoy around each corner. I'm now off work until Monday and I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with three out of four of my beautiful children. My mum is also coming to stay which is always wonderful, I'm sure we will shop and drink lots of tea. Plus I have a fabulous group of lovely , gorgeous, frock loving girlfriends to get dressed up with......this also usually involves shopping and eating !
Sometimes I wonder how you view me ? A happy, clappy smiling person, sickly sweet , oozing positivity but without a grasp of any reality ?
Happy ✔️ what's the point in being miserable ?
positive ✔️ the alternative isn't helpful and it's defeatist
Sweet ✔️ because I eat so much sugar !
Realist ✔️ hell yes, life is short and precious and can be snatched away in a heart beat, I know because in my world it happens.
Optimist ✔️ because without hope what is there ?
I could spend every moment worrying about Eloise but I'd miss out on so much living and being a family. So as I've said before I reign my brain in and only look a short time ahead. Live for the moment and bank memories, posting far too many photographs along the way. No apologies ! I have to get things in perspective , I find by writing things down especially my worries it helps me analyse them. Sometimes we take life too seriously, actually I don't think I'm guilty of that . I'm often left wondering how I'm managing to parent four children when I don't feel like a grown up ! No answers needed......winging it is my speciality !
I think I've had to accept there are things in life that I cannot change and I've had to let them go. Except moaning about the miserable weather.....I think that's a very British pastime though. I shall try and remember that no matter what, the sun is always shining above the clouds. Of course I moaned about it today......
Will try harder tomorrow
Will try harder tomorrow
Will try harder tomorrow
Will try harder tomorrow (Hush now tomorrow never comes )
The way I cope with my difficulties, grief, mental exhaustion etc works for me. My in house care package for mental survival which includes the gym, candle light, music, cake, tea, bubble baths, solitude etc can recharge me. However I have to realise it's not my job to "fix" people. We are all different and maybe they don't want to be "fixed" Also I need to conserve energy for the little differences I can make to someone's day rather than trying to provide all the answers. If I can brighten part of a person's day I will as I can remember the early days after Eloise's transplant I was isolated and sat alone in the dark as no one knew what to say to me. If all I can do is look someone in the eye and smile I will and also a hug goes a long way too.
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