The Other Life

The other life.

May is here again, a beautiful month full of hope for sunny days and blue skies. Yet it’s a month which holds memories of my darkest days, my black days, the day my life changed forever. At the time I thought these dark days had settled in forever. I didn’t think I could be happy again or that life would return to my version of normal. Of course like right now my sunny happy days can have a shadow cast over them. I’m being taken back to those awful days as the anniversary of when my world collapsed is drawing nearer. I didn’t know for many, many years after the event that what I was feeling right now was due to post traumatic stress disorder. I feel myself pulling back a little, lost in thought, recalling , revisiting, asking why, tears aren’t far away and my heart keeps racing. I’ll be ok, the days will keep coming and then the ones I dread will pass. I’ll distract myself, I’ll reassure, I’ll carry on, I’ll go through the motions but during the night the hours will be longer, the memories more focused , the pain more intense but Morning will come again it always does. 

     This has been my life now for 17 years, the other life is a distant memory really.  I try to recall it. Married mother of two little girls, working part time as a nurse and a husband who worked away all week. Was I just going through the motions every day, week, month. We’d just moved from a flat into a house the month before Eloise was taken ill.  What would have happened if Eloise hadn’t had myocarditis? Where would we be?  Would she have been leaving home in September to go to university? Would I have had any other further children? Would I be divorced ? Was I happy?  Unanswered questions that will remain that way.

            When people say if they went back in time they’d not change a thing is that true? I find this difficult as of course I would love Eloise to have her own healthy heart inside her but this transplant journey has taught me so much. It’s taught me to enjoy every day, to make each day happy, to make memories, to say yes to opportunities , to take nothing for granted, it’s taught me who my friends are, it’s shown me strangers can give you the most precious gift in the world. It’s shown how strong I can be, how fiercely I can fight for my child. It’s shown my passion, it’s shown me determination. I have a purpose. So many important life lessons, so I live differently , I cope differently using the scale of I nearly lost a child so I can cope with x, y, z.  

          Tough things have been learnt too I know how fragile life is, I grieve for myself, for my daughter, for an uncomplicated life . I grieve for losing my ignorance , I didn’t really understand organ donation, didn’t really think that time would run out before a donor was found. I’m terrified too, scared of something happening to Eloise, anxious for every appointment, looking for reassurance that her donor heart remains perfectly healthy. During my darkest days I can’t stop myself thinking about what if she wasn’t here, it tries to destroy me but I don’t let it. I run (not literally obviously ! ) back to the present and embrace the day I’m living. 

      These days I rarely return to the darkest of times, the shadows are fleeting and I can deal with them.  The life I’m living now maybe different than the one I was experiencing 17 years ago. The light shines differently now, it highlights and enhances what is important in life. It illuminates who and what is most important in my World. I have adapted to this new light.