It’s been two months since I wrote anything and ironically that was my pre 50th birthday post “Age is Just a Number” I reposted it this week on my Facebook as I felt it deserved a rerun because of Warren’s death. I still stand by my words especially these “Age means another year of life that you have been blessed with, growing old is a privilege. I wouldn’t want the alternative to ageing which is not living another year.” When I wrote those words I would have been thinking of my transplanted family, my friends living with cancer and other life limiting conditions. Not Warren, who will now always be 47.
Warren’s death has been such a huge shock and maybe I’ll never make sense of it. The nurse in me is really trying to work out the medical side of things. What did we miss ? How can a seemingly healthy man have such extensive coronary artery disease that he dies suddenly of a massive heart attack and two cardiac arrests. It’s hard to let it go but I won’t ever get any answers to my questions. I’m grateful that he tried to contact me and got Toby to do so instead. I’m glad he didn’t suffer any prolonged pain that he lost consciousness and was incubated. I also know if he had survived such a prolonged 30 minute out of hospital cardiac arrest that he would have suffered extensive brain damage, I wouldn’t have wanted that for him. Even once resuscitated his heart wasn’t strong enough to pump on its own and it still needed mechanical compressions. This is a selfish one but I’m so glad he didn’t die on holiday, that we got to enjoy and make memories on our last family trip. I’ll try not to imagine how awful that would have been. I have to take the positives out of the situation I’ve been dealt with. I don’t think many people could have survived that, Warren tried his best to fight but not all battles can be won. I told him he could go if he was tired and I told Eloise exactly the same when she was dying. I needed them both to know I loved them, wanted them with me but understood if it was too much for them to stay.
In time the hours I stayed at the hospital waiting for news in the relatives room will join my other difficult memories that I’ve had in other such hospital rooms over the years safely boxed away in my head. Time never erases those conversations, so please if you are giving bad news get it right. I can recall all the bad news conversations I’ve had as if they happened yesterday, so choose your words carefully, they do have a huge impact. I cannot fault the emergency consultant, she was extremely good, very caring and helpful. She took down my details and that is why I received that lovely card and seeds from the ward/theatre where Warren died. Unfortunately the nurse who gave the bereavement advise wasn’t so great, maybe she was nervous ? She managed to make a visit to the mortuary sound like the best party ever , such an invite. I wanted to laugh !
So it’s now over seven weeks since Warren died and I feel he’s missed so much, so many memories have been made that he would have featured in. So while there’s been this thread of sadness wrapping itself into every day the other threads have shined brightly. My shared life with Warren has ended abruptly but I’m still alive and living myself. I wonder what people expect me to be like right now, do you think I should spend each day in a heap, crying and unable to function? As I can keep going and my normal life is continuing that doesn’t mean my grief is any less it just means I can live with it. It’s just the way I am now because of what I’ve already experienced. I would never describe what has happened as “shitty or crappy” I absolutely hate those words when used in this context. My life isn’t excrement it’s so much more even without my Irish. I’m trying to think of an alternative word and failing as my life is now different going forward because Warren’s not by my side but it’s not without happiness. He would hate me to be miserable and sad, so I’m grasping every opportunity to make memories with my beautiful family and my wonderful friends. I urge you to do the same, safe guard your life by creating memories and I recommend taking a photograph or two.
This Winter I’m going to get organised and make our photographic memories into photo books and scrap books. I already love the book of photos I quickly put together for Warren’s memorial service. It’s nice flicking through actual pages rather than scrolling through online albums. I made one a few years back of our trip to Ireland visiting Warren’s place of birth, I may find it later and have a look.
I hope Warren understands why I cancelled the holiday at the lodge, I just can’t imagine being there without him. He loved our February mini breaks we had four of them together all in Somerset. The hot tub was always so relaxing, I’ll miss it but I’d miss Warren being there so much more. Cancelling it made me cry so much on Friday and yesterday it broke my heart but I think I’ve done the right thing for myself. Crying again now just thinking about it, maybe one day we will return , I hope.
I’ve probably got so much more I can say but I can write every day if I need to on Facebook, I just wanted to write this blog post this morning. When I know it’s needed I have to get the words down in here, this will always be one of my best forms of therapy. Once I’ve written the post it’s like it’s already been said out loud so afterwards talking about my feelings seems easier. Is that crazy? Maybe I’ve helped others along the way, grief can be quite a lonely thing and obviously it’s a personal experience too but I’m happy to share my journey with you. I need to be understood and I know it’s ok not to be ok. If I say I’m fine, I am. So there’s no need to push for more as these days you’re going to fully know how I am.........💙
Warren I love you 💙 I miss you 💙 sweet dreams xxxx
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