No Point in Pretending.

Valentine’s Day is looming in case you hadn’t noticed after the long January ! Everywhere  I look there are pink and red love hearts, displays of cheesy cards, soft toys, chocolates, candles and everything else they can flog for love. 

                 I was never that much of a romantic, thinking Valentine’s Day to be over commercialised and a bit of a joke. It’s one of those I appreciate you days like Mothers Day and Fathers Day which can also be tricky days for those who are bereaved.  When I was with Warren we decided to embrace it. We just bought each other small gifts and I also bought themed cupcakes, banners, tablewear, sweet treats , candles and little gifts for the children too like heart bath bombs, bubbles, stickers etc. Then Warren used to cook me a lovely meal or we’d go out to a local restaurant. We were often away for Valentines’s Day as it would coincide with half term. I think that’s what’s adding to my struggle. Other than 2009 as I was giving birth to Henry I’ve always gone away for February half term for a mini break. This year I cancelled our plans, I couldn’t face returning to a holiday house that we’d enjoyed as a family for two years previously without Warren. So at the minute I’m undecided as to whether to shield myself from Valentine’s Day or throw myself at it.     

                Another issue is hearts, I’m not a fan at the minute because of Warren’s heart disease and our broken hearts, that sounds so cliched but it’s hard to explain. I went off of hearts for a while after Eloise’s heart transplant, I know I’ve mentioned that before. It’s still early days but I think it doesn’t matter how much time has passed since Warren died certain dates, days, anniversaries will trigger memories and intensify my feelings of loss. I suppose Valentine’s Day is for couples, I’m no longer part of a couple, I’m no longer in a relationship but I used to be. 

           I’ve got time to think of what’s best for me, the day also falls on a Friday the day of the week Warren died on. I never put pressure on myself to act a certain way, I’m grieving in my own way, my terms. I am conscious that how I am doing this isn’t the way others behave but this is my life, my mind, my heart, my way of coping and living. I’m ignoring “the rules” as there simply isn’t a correct way to mourn the loss of a loved one.

     Let’s face it I’ll probably write to Warren and put it on Facebook for you all to read or scroll past, never feel you have to read my words or comment. Writing helps me to de-stress, it helps me to say what’s in my head, it keeps Warren’s memory alive and it keeps him in my thoughts. I can express myself in this way quite easily. If you do read my posts I hope they give you an insight into my grieving process and the reasoning behind it. I think it’s good to explore your innermost emotions and I find it most therapeutic. I’m writing this today after going in just five shops on the way home from work and being confronted by all things romantic ! Then thinking “oh hell, how am I going to do this?”

         I can’t bury the past, I like having it all in the open, I’m more comfortable with that. I like sharing my photographs and my memories. Warren existed, we existed as a couple too. We had a great five years, we just wanted more but I appreciate with the condition of Warren’s heart we were lucky to have had five years and lots of adventures. 

         Time for new traditions, I talked to Amelia earlier about us not going away this year and how tough that will be. She reminded me that we are going away at Easter to Edinburgh we’ve never been to Scotland so this is somewhere new for us to discover as a family. I can take the frogs so part of Warren is there as well. We don’t normally go away at Easter either. 

       Last year I went to Mrs Potts Chocolate House on 13th February with Sarah for Galentine’s Day we had a wonderful time so I’ve rebooked for this year. Another fairly new tradition , it’s good to spend time with my besties. Where would I be without my fabulous girl tribe ! 

      I’m all for self care so perhaps I can be my own valentine, we all need to love ourselves more didn’t we? Grieving is exhausting, I’m tired of it, yes I’m sleeping but there is the ache of tension between my shoulder blades. You’d not know from looking at me. I’m doing a fair bit of sighing and deep breathing and the need to be away and in a hot bubble bath of an evening is quite strong at the moment. A pretty conclusive sign that I’m having a moment or two. I’m so lucky that I know the signs. 

               Maybe I’ll buy a new candle in a tin, some flowers and chocolate. I received a heart shaped bath bomb earlier this week that’ll fit in with an evening of pampering. Lighting a lovely candle next to a photograph of Warren gives me a focus every evening. However if I’m thinking how Warren would rather be remembered I’m sure he’d rather I had a glass of something alcoholic and toasted his life ! I’m just not much of a drinker. The tradition could be thinking of Valentine’s Day as a day of Love, love for my family, my friends, my home and yipppeeee myself. 

              Just by writing all this down a cloud or two has lifted and I can think more clearly again. I just need to recognise my limits and go along with how I’m feeling nearer the date, I’ll set aside time in case it all becomes too overwhelming. Am I overthinking, maybe,  It’s just another day right? Next year will be easier ❤️