When the Mask Drops

When the mask drops.

Another day, another nursing shift completed but at what cost to myself and my amazing colleagues? We are exhausted, perhaps not physically today but most definitely emotionally. A fatigue is creeping over us. We are going home and just staring into space, trying to process what we have experienced . I think we are paying the price of holding in our feelings. We are a close team, “trauma bonded” and grateful for the mutual understanding. We are lucky to have each other to lean on and some days we just get by because of biscuits and a shared joke. 

               I think as nurses we are expected to be strong and resilient but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a breaking point. We have to absorb so much from the families we meet, tension, anger , anxiety, challenging behaviour plus all the pressures of the system. How many people can remain calm and keep a smile on their face while being manipulated or while dealing with aggression for example? It’s what we expect of a nurse. We can’t shout or make a fuss. 

                            Today I cried, I was so frustrated after doing everything I could for a child to make sure he had a good experience , his mum lied to a colleague about the care I gave her son pre-op. I just had to tolerate this and if there’s something I hate it’s injustice. My tears were because I was angry not sad. I know my own worth as a nurse and I know I’m very good at getting very challenging children through their procedures. We were manipulated by that family, the child wasn’t the issue his mum was. That’s the double challenge you get for being a paediatric nurse. 

          We have to keep a professional mask on. Suppressing our own feelings, our frustration, exhaustion and sadness. Smiling when inside we are sad and we’ve been pushed to our limit. We start the shift on high alert, holding tension in our shoulders and back. We don’t realise we are doing it until our bodies ache later in the day.

         We are doing an increased number of patients requiring a pre-med. They used to be a rare list now there can be two or even three lists a week with children requiring this. We are therefore not having enough time to replenish our energy , these lists are definitely more emotionally draining . We also have to deal with verbal and physical abuse, biting, hitting, kicking, being spat at, scratched and swearing. We go home feeling numb, empty and basically thinking WTF. We are then feeling a post shift slump on arriving home, tired yet not sleeping well as work is infiltrating into our brains at night. Anxious about the next shift. 

          Nurses cope……until they can’t anymore. I’m glad as a team we are a united voice and hopefully those above us will listen soon. We can’t carry on as we are currently. We’ve adjusted so much to our patients and their complex needs as a huge proportion of the children we see are neurodivergent, have a learning difficulty , are anxious or have challenging behaviour or all of these. We need more support before we burn out. We don’t have all the answers but we do deserve to be listened to before the pressure becomes too much.

         As an update ,I slept poorly last night , waking frequently and replaying what happened yesterday plus the other events that brought my colleagues to tears this week.  My nerve pain is also more painful this morning. I sleep well normally as I’m on Amitriptyline for my pain.