Mindfulness

On Friday we had a work Study Day one of the sessions was on Mindfulness. 

What is Mindfulness ? 

Mindfulness is a mind-body approach to well-being that can help you change the way you think about experiences and reduce stress and anxiety. Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment, using techniques like meditation, breathing and yoga. It helps us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings so that instead of being overwhelmed by them, we’re better able to manage them.

 

We did some work using a couple of the relaxation techniques one releasing stressful tension from each part of our body; the other using breathing techniques. I'm not entirely sure either were for me or that I'll use them again but I still took something away from the session. 

   I think over the years especially in the last two I have become more "mindful" of my own mental health and I've found ways of protecting it. The strategies I use work for me and I can recognise when stress, fear, anxiety etc is building up inside me. I'm due an incoming boat load of stress in the next week or so as Eloise's three monthly cardiology appointment is looming. Therefore expect this Facebook Status " locked in the bathroom, candles burning, Earl Grey Tea, soft music and a Lush Bath bomb" The solitude is part of my defence mechanism , the need not to talk is quite strong. I'm probably not easy to get through to during these episodes which can be hard for others to accept. That used to make me feel guilty but I've let that go and put my needs first. By writing my Blog I've found another outlet and that's good, writing things down, acknowledging my feelings, thoughts, fears in this way is a good step. This works better for me than taking during tougher periods of anxiety. When saying things out loud seem too final , too defeatist. This is an easier medium. 

   I'm extremely lucky I have a lot of "me" time, my four children are all in full time education and I only work 2-3 days a week. The work life balance I have is fantastic and I'm truly grateful for that. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if I should do more then something happens like Eloise's rejection episode and year of blips or even my prolonged flu and chest infection episode that reminds me what a fine balance it actually is. I can just about still juggle all the balls in the air and manage everything when life throws a curve ball ! In reality I don't possess the juggling skill ! 

I like this picture, it speaks volumes 

       

Honestly I have to say my mind flits backwards sometimes, wishing something's were different , imagine if Eloise never caught Hand, Foot and Mouth Virus ? Amazing that something like a "simple" childhood illness changed the direction of our life and potentially our future as a family. What would life have been like if it never happened, no illness, no transplant , no anxieties about Eloise's health, no fear of her dying prematurely. But it did happen, it happened in the past and mostly life has been good and kind to us over the past 12 years so that has to be remembered too. So that's the past.

The future can be a scary and unpredictable place, none of us knows what will happen but we just have to hope that life's good and kind, happy and healthy. That Life is the best it can be for us all. Therefore it's best not to let worries about the future engulf you too much and let you miss out on the here and now. 

   The present......we're here family life is good ! It's now been nine months since Warren and I met. Things are going well and having him around has been of benefit to us all. Millie of course would say differently ! We do so much as a family and recently enjoyed our first family trip to Northern Ireland. It's great having someone help us sort the house and garden out and we're enjoying doing the work together as a team. It's nice being looked after . Thank you Warren x

                                       

     

        

So take a look at Mindfulness it may work for you.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/mindfulness.aspx

  Just try to take a few minutes a day to relax yourself , a bit of quality me time to unwind, so the day to day stresses don't become a burden. This small amount of time could increase your mental well being and make you prioritise what's important in life and what you can let go. ❤️

Ache, I ache.......

ACHE

verb (used without object), ached, aching.

1.

to have or suffer a continuous, dull pain:

His whole body ached.

2.

to feel great sympathy, pity, or the like:

Her heart ached for the starving animals.

3.

to feel eager; yearn; long:

She ached to be the champion. He's just achingto get even.

noun

4.

a continuous, dull pain (in contrast to a sharp,sudden, or sporadic pain).

                      

  I ache.....

I ache, physically right now I have an ache or two, this is a conservative estimate , I'm discovering long lost muscles ! This can be explained by 3 good sessions at the gym, 2x 50 length swims and a heavy duty day in the garden all in a week. I feel the garden is in better shape than me , damned middle aged body, and the garden had only had one session so far...... A wall striped of a ton of evil ivy ! Next job getting the ivy pile disposed of ! 

                        

     

Note to self - * stop exchanging burnt off calories for treats then and just then you may actually see a result , as in weight loss not gain. You most definately cannot keep telling yourself that muscle weighs more than fat as muscular you're not ! 

     Physical aches and pains being dealt with warm bath with a relaxing bath bomb, a few pills, cup of tea, candle light and relaxation. 

                          

I ache......

I ache , mentally right now , my head feels full, so much whizzing around.

Manageable -  Stuff I can deal with, general parenting issues, who's where this week, appointments, after school activities, Henry's reading, Leah's trip, organising a repeat blood test for Eloise and who is bringing a friend home for tea !  

Sadness- losing a young girl in our Heart Transplant Families UK support group, sadly she passed away last month because of PTLD , do you know what that is ? I feel sad that I have to know, it's Post Transplant Lymphoproliferative Disorder , a lymphoma caused often by EBV Epstein-Barr Virus, you may be more familiar with this virus as one of the more common things it causes is Glandular Fever. Eloise had high levels of EBV for a while, hence the enlarged tonsils that later on needed removal. If caught early PTLD is treatable, treatment varying from the simple measure of lowering anti rejection meds, to chemo and radiotherapy.

http://www.nhs.uk/ipgmedia/national/lymphoma%20association/assets/lymphomasafterorgantransplantationla6pages.pdf

I ache with sadness for this young girls family, I wonder what if ? I'm sad that I have this worry for my Eloise and the rest of my #transplantfamily. It's back to that saying transplant is just the beginnnng you swap one set of medical problems for another, so bloody true. You've got to keep one eye on the ball. I'm very grateful to the young girl's mum for sharing her daughter's story with us all and raising awareness of this transplant complication.

Divorce- no major developments but I'm in limbo , as it's been in the news about divorce settlements I'm glad we've taken our time sorting out our financial agreement, but it's never far from my thoughts. I cannot make any major plans and do any of the work I need to do on my home until I know how my finances will be and how much more money the solicitor will drain out of me ! 

Work- NHS, busy, stress and I'll just leave it there, code of conduct and all that 😉

Study Day- my study day nemesis is snapping at my heels, Advanced Paediatric Life Support , hated on one level as the flashbacks I'm getting at night are quite vivid right now, words seem like they are being shouted, the equipment is staring me in the face. I see my child lifeless, cold and covered in tubes and wires, I'm watching monitors, I'm hearing their alarms, I'm watching the faces of the staff caring for her. I know I'll be able to deal with this safely and I will box it all away again. I can talk about everything that happened without breaking down. It's just tattooed into my brain ! Truth be told I hate role play and the dreaded scenarios much more these days so that in itself indicates progress ! 

                         

Dealing with my mental aches in the same way as my physical ones and actually doing the garden and swimming etc gave me time out from my jumbled thoughts .I'm too busy concentrating on whether its a weed I'm digging up or a prize shrub or whether I can lap the old lady "running" up and down the pool without knocking into the very slow splashy person doing backstroke. You've just got to laugh haven't you?  My mental aches aren't big ones, all will be calm (ish) again soon. Two days at work and one study day are all that stand in front of over two weeks off and a trip to Northern Ireland.  I can do this . 

I ache to feel relaxed , carefree and happy but is that something we lost during our childhood ? Xxx

Guilty - NO time to be sick !

     

       

It's been a month since I last blogged, I'm taking that as a good sign of a clear mind and an uneventful life ! This Evening I've returned once more to my place of sanctuary, the family bathroom. I'm accompanied by my usual support acts, candles, tea, Lush Bath bomb and soft music. The scene has been set for a chill out. 

          I'm not that agitated, just a few things on my mind brought about by my two weeks plus of being ill. 

I'll be honest I'm a terrible patient, I guess a typical nurse , I don't embrace the sick role therefore by carrying on I got worse. I find it very hard to give up caring for my family, I'm talking physically here as I never stop loving them . I feel guilty as their main ( read that as only useful ) parent . Poor Warren, it took a hell of a lot for him to convince me to rest, take a nap and do absolutely nothing. I found it incredibly hard that first weekend of the plague giving in to the virus and it's symptoms . Then Warren got ill so had to go home as coughing chorus wasn't conducive to sleep !  

       

                              

Then guilt trip number two my mum. I'd booked us tickets to see Wicked over a year in advance but the Evening before I was very unsure I'd be able to go as I felt so dreadful and hadn't left the house for four days. On hearing this mum wasn't happy and declared she'd not go either as she couldn't possibly go on her own.the thought of wasting over a hundred pounds galled me. So as you know I met her for lunch the next day and struggled through a very wonderful performance of Wicked. I kept getting hot and then clammy trying to suppress my cough so as to not annoy the other theatre goers. 

       More guilt when you have to bother your GP as you need a sick note, taking up a valuable appointment. Then them telling you they are worried about you, that your heart rate is too high, oxygen levels too low, they can hear your heart murmur, you're wheezy and to top it off you have your first ever chest infection. Which way does your guilt take you now, guilty of not taking care of yourself ? Guilty of not taking yourself to the Drs sooner ? 

Then there's work , the sick policy and the worry about breaching it but more importantly the guilt of letting your lovely colleagues down. 

      So there you are being sick is just one big guilt trip, not sure whether it's exacerbated by being a single mum ? But by feeling uneasy you never truly rest. Also family life goes on, parents evening, dentist, school runs and strangely enough you still need to feed the kids ! I'm also one of these people who cannot rest if the house is getting too messy, I'm no clean freak but all of my children dump their belongs everywhere and I need to assist them at regular intervals to repatriate said belongings ! I think if I didn't do that we'd end up on one of those TV programmes for hoarders. The hall being the favourite dumping ground ! 

Then there's the Ex totally oblivious in his other life, my feelings fluttered between jealousy and anger during my illness ! He's starting to trim the time he's sees the children, Friday Evening was the first casualty now Sunday is shrinking fast we've gone from him leaving at 5pm to 2pm. I appreciate he has a 3 hour journey and work the next day but seriously when do I get a break? What's frustrating me more is he's stopped getting them any lunch on a Sunday, any children that stay in the hotel with him get a cooked breakfast so in his mind they are no longer hungry ! So I'm left with having to provide them with a cooked meal in the Evening when I'd rather relax or I have to feed him as well. He's not doing this to be nasty, he's not like that he's just clueless ! 

         I guess when being ill you also question your own mortality and worry about your children living a life without you. I'm not taking this from a morbid perspective just a practical one. I need to write a will and stay alive until Leah's 18 years old ! I know she'll keep the family together and with guidance and support from a special set of people she'll be amazing. I just want them to keep living in Bristol and in their Family home. I just know S ( Ex) isn't up for the job, I think he'd agree that I'm not being harsh by saying this. Also I don't want my family to relocate to his town. Enough of that........I better get that Will written ! 

    Our financial settlement is dragging on , there will be less money to settle on after this as I've already paid my solicitor £1000 for a few letters, documents, phone calls etc. I was hoping to be divorced by the Summer but this isn't likely. As I won't divorce until the settlement is signed and sealed as I'm in a better position while still married. We've been separated for 4 years next month !!!! Having this hanging over me is making me a little twitchy. 

      My children continue to make me proud.  Great parents Evenings for all three girls, the Gingerlings is next week but he's moved up another stage in reading. Leah has left her job in Whsmiths and will soon start in Sainsburys 20 hours a week around her college hours. The man that interviewed her said she was a credit to herself. Eloise was amazing in her school play she's now rehearsing like crazy for her dance competition . I'll need to chase an appointment at Bristol kids with her cardiologist for next month but in herself she seems happy and well. 

          As for me, happy, well  children = happy me 😊

 Add in some love and support from my Irish , wonderful friends and a crazy family I'm lucky. I'll end with this picture I saw on one of my friends FB walls Today .

    

Balancing Act

 This is just another one of those mumbling musing kind of entries into my blog. So probably of minimal interest but I feel the need to get things out there ! 

                        

      Balancing life, work, family, children , partner, home, friends, hospital appointments, being a domestic goddess etc is tough. I've struggled a little with it all these past few weeks ( domestic goddess part probably my whole life ! ) since the New Year if I'm honest. Life's been a non stop whirl, but it kind of feels wrong to say that when I have friends whose struggles are huge and life changing the demands on them as a parent just huge. Things here have just seemed a little relentless, each potentially free day filled with an appointment or two. I'm not talking about anything major just dentist trips ( 3 so far) hospital appointments for Eloise, trips to the Drs, visit to the solicitor , a couple of parents Evenings, school plays and assemblies, meetings , deliveries. These have all needed a little juggling to make them happen usually involving someone collecting or looking after Henry if I'm honest. 

We've also had a little run of broken appliances hoping that things come in threes thing is true as so far the Dyson, Tumble Drier and shower have been replaced ! Again 2 deliveries , a trip to B&Q and two visits from a plumber as the money pit house is never straight forward. I have to thank Warren for sorting the shower and he'll also be here for the new carpet being fitted and a furniture delivery from IKEA......well a host of cardboard boxes some plastic coated MDF and an array of screws ! I'm lucky Warren can help me out with the practicalities of upgrading and repairing my home, it helps. 

     It would just be good to have someone ( their father ) to share the other stuff with , S has never been to a hospital, dental or Drs appointment, he's never been to a school play, reading workshop, class assembly or enjoyed the chaos that is a secondary school parents evening ! Let alone the joy of "options" evening ! Not only has he never been he's not been here to care for the other kids while I do the appointments. I guess I'm resentful of "fun" dad, he's never had to deal with a petrified Millie sobbing at the dentist or sat for hours in GOSH, you get the idea. I guess it's hard when you slog away and dad arrives with gifts and promise of a good weekend out, cinema, TGI's and a nice hotel stay.  It's just been a little tiring, another appointment tomorrow for Eloise's immunisations so for the third time this week Henry will be collected from school by one of his sisters. I know it's no big deal but it's my job as his mummy. Next week I get a breather it's half term and we are appointment free ! 

     Sometimes I think I should work more hours.  I only do 18hrs during school term time then a few weeks like this reminds me that I am one person juggling the needs of four children, including the bonus needs of managing Eloise's transplant and running a home. I have no more time to give to work , I need my week(s) off to balance myself mentally and regroup with my children . I'm incredibly lucky to have my contract. It enables me to keep going, knowing I can have special time with my children. I want us to enjoy our time together and we do ! I'll be gritting my teeth enduring the cold swimming pool at Butlins and the cheesy shows that are on offer next week. Knowing my youngest three children are having fun and being children. I'm sure I'll take a picture or two and memories will be made. I'm looking forward to watching Eloise and Millie during their dance class with Diversity.  

     So just a moany post ! I appreciate I'm lucky, I'm just tired, mentally and physically, insomnia is with me again probably because of the busy diary ! I'm hoping for a lovely weekend a chance to unwind and enjoy my life. It's a good one isn't it, I just need it to stop spinning ! 

Even reading this back after it's written makes me feel guilty, we are hard on ourselves aren't we our own worse critics. I'm just whinging, it was my choice to have the four children so of course they're going to take some looking after. Just  nowhere near as hard as life must be for my friends with children who have additional and quite complex medical and emotional needs. My children are all displaying independence even Henry can fix himself a bowl of cereal. I'm lucky to watch them all growing up , I'm proud of them all. 

Quite a Week !

Last week was always going to be on the stressful side, the trip to GOSH for Eloise's annual transplant review was looming. I'm never reassured just by looking at Eloise and asking her how she feels anymore. The stock answer at the minute from Eloise is "good" not sure whether that's an upgrade from "fine" ! I do wonder these days how does Eloise really feel, her body only really knows how it works with her transplanted heart. Anyway I digress again.

        I was sat at home drinking a cup of tea, waiting for the girls to come home from school . Busy Evening lay ahead as we had Eloise's Subject Evening ( apparently I am wrong when I call this event parents evening! ) Then a train to catch to London, as we needed to be at Gosh for 9am Wednesday I booked a hotel . Anyway my mobile rang, it was R Eloise's donors mum, she'd never rang me before. She sounded flustered and apologised for ringing me. She was going to feature in a Channel 4 news piece that evening because of the media interest in the 6 day old baby who became Britain's youngest organ donor. The call was to "warn" me that they'd be showing Z's picture, R wanted to make sure Eloise and I were ok. We chatted and I reassured her we'd be fine. The news would be on at 7pm so I asked Leah to record it as I knew we'd be travelling on the train then. 

           After a very good subject evening for Eloise and a couple of hours travelling we settled into our hotel room and feasted on an M&S picnic . I logged onto the wifi and went straight to Channel 4 catch up. There it was the news piece and straight away I saw a picture of a very cute baby, for the first time I was seeing Z . Eloise and I sat there listening to the news, of course for Eloise this was the first time she'd seen R . I think she was intrigued to see Z and R but not worried or upset. Just very level headed about it, in true Eloise style. 

           I've been asked how it felt to see Z's picture for the first time, I wasn't upset or full of emotion. I wonder what the correct response should be and whether not feeling much is odd ? It's not really something many of us ever encounter, I can't gage how I feel on many people's experiences , also we're all unique . It's an odd situation isn't it, looking at a baby knowing her heart is beating inside your baby. Knowing she's the reason your child is alive and her courageous family of course. Don't get me wrong it was lovely to see a picture. I guess in my mind I had an image of this toddler who saved my child's life. This new image was more vivid, real and replaced my fuzzy idea of what Z looked like. She's a very cute little girl and it's lovely to see her smile. 

       For me I just felt so proud of R she came across so well and I'm sure she moved and inspired many people with her words. I'm happy that you've seen her now and heard her side of our very special story that sadly only came about after tragedy. I'm glad she never regretted her decision to donate her baby's organs and that she's been comforted knowing two children's lives were saved. 

       Then on Sunday the story was in the Sunday Telegraph, move moving words from R, you cannot fail to admire this woman's strength . A true hero, our hero. Thank you will never be enough but it's a start. I know how lucky I am to know R , things could have been so different for me. Yet still now Eloise and I are this lady's priority she was worried about us seeing Z's picture but we're so happy she feels ready to share the image of her beautiful little girl. Z and her brave mummy not only saved Eloise's life and the little girl who received her liver but by sharing her story others will have been encouraged to sign up and that potentially means more lives saved. 

              Yesterday it was my turn to warn R that I was publicly going to post a video of Eloise on Heart Transplant Families UK public page. F a photographic media student filmed Eloise over a couple of days for a website on organ donation he was doing for his dissertation. He also filmed our lovely friend and fellow superhuman K . The results are amazing , really fantastic films. I hope they encourage people to talk about organ donation and sign up ! This morning I woke up to a lovely email from R telling me what a gorgeous and brave daughter I have. I'm touched xxxx

     

       

     

               http://vimeo.com/117767282

http://www.candourcreative.co/optin/opt-in.html

PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

If only it was this easy............

                     

One of my lovely cardiac / transplant mum's posted an interesting article on FB on PTSD and whether it was something experienced by the parents of children with cardiac conditions. The more I look at the article the more sure I am that the answer is yes. I previously only associated PTSD with our war veterans who have seen and felt the unimaginable now I can see it as a disorder relating to many groups of people. People just like me........

         I have found a good outlet for my tumbled thoughts in my writing and this blog. I say much more here than I'd verbalise not because I'm afraid or upset just because my writing doesn't stutter or say it all wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy or any answers or replies the act of putting down words is the therapy knowing the words are read just a bonus ( a lovely one , thank you x ) So I'm thinking do I display symptoms of PTSD ? 

       

Well I can have a very big tick for experiencing trauma ✔️

         The whole transplant journey has had its traumas but big ones for me are being in the quiet room of BCH and being given minimal chance of ever taking Eloise home alive. I can recall many of the conversations we had around that time. Word for painful stabbing word, nothing positive to grasp. 

               I think this would indicate PTSD the major life changing events happened 12 years ago but they're still so fresh in my mind. Add in the difficult 8 months with Eloise's health in 2013 oh and that thing called a broken marriage ( not heart related I know but a tad stressful ! ) 

Repeated intense memories or flashbacks ✔️

                Visually the worst memory is watching Eloise arrest on Picu at the Freeman, that can be replayed at many speeds in colour or black and white , clear words, echoed or muffled , slow or fast many variations but all recalled in the blink of an eye. Yet this all happened 12 years ago. Soon I have my paed resus training at work and that evokes many memories just the words "critically ill child" add in a few bits of equipment from the Resus trolley and I'm back there. 

        This is the bit that screams PTSD at me, of course I'm no expert and I don't actually need a diagnosis , I'm just trying to understand my mind a little better. To see that actually how I feel is a normal response. 

Avoiding people is a no but avoiding places ✔️

      I hate cubicle one in A/E at BCH it was the room Eloise was in when she was taken ill. I can remember the Drs and nurses talking about her case outside the room. Hearing the words cardiomyopathy and feeling sick and faint. Of course as Eloise has three siblings the room has never been avoided. On the 10 year anniversary of diagnosis I went to A/E had a hug and shed a tear with the A/E consultant , she remembered that day too.

     I think this is just a normal response not PTSD why would I like that room ? 

Persistent fear of the Event 

    I'd change this to a fairly persistent fear of the future but one that's not at the forefront of my mind every day just on significant dates or appointments or when bad things are happening to other members of my #TransplantFamily. So a small dark cloud on a sunny day. I've also described these fears as being safely boxed inside my head before but I think by writing down my feelings, fears etc  the lid's often ajar these days and that's ok. I'll let you all have an insight into what it's like living like this. 

Feeling detached from others ✔️

       Yes I'd say that but I also understand it as the transplant world is fairly unique , so variable no two journeys are ever the same, so many paths some lovely and smooth and others so rough there seems like there will never be a happy ending. I also like solitude so perhaps I sometimes make the gulf wider. Also it's so hard to explain all of this to others, sometimes it's easier not too. 

" I'm fine " how often do you hear yourself saying that as its easier than blurting out the truth as you know not everyone wants to listen to your true feelings as they cannot cope. Why should they understand ? Also I find I cry at those words if they're asked when I'm having a wobble especially at work ! 

Outbursts of Anger ✔️

    A tick for anger not really outbursts for me more the gritted teeth "Why did this fucking happen ?" Kind of anger , lots of why, why why ? Followed by what if........

    I think I'll always be angry this happened to my child even though I can follow it up by saying how lucky I am to still have her here today. Still pissed off !!!!!!! 

Difficulties sleeping or concentrating ✔️✔️

      Yep the big one bouts of insomnia, days, weeks and quite often months not a year yet thankfully. This week I'm not too bad a few wake ups but not too broken, I've not got up out of bed for a week or so. I think the sleep will deteriorate again as we near Eloise's annual review in a couple of weeks. But I guess pre appointment tension is quite a common phenomenon ! 

So yes I'm an insomniac but is it related to PTSD ? Probably not .......just middle aged woman syndrome ? 

Poor concentration yes at times but that could be sleep deprivation and having a million things on my mind right now it's pretty fried ! 

So this is probably not PTSD either.

So just a little run through of just one small list of symptoms , who knows whether I have PTSD all I know is I'm not the woman I was before all of this , I never feel totally carefree , almost but not 100% but who is ever truly satisfied with all they have until they nearly lose it ? 

       

     Today my lovely friend at work said Eloise was amazing with everything she goes through and I was too. That meant a hell of a lot. I'm not amazing just a mum desperate to do all she can to keep her child with her and well, physically and mentally. My "job" is made easier by my Eloise. It's hard when you lose members of your transplant family especially when they are children . When Eloise was having her difficulties in 2013 two other children were also unwell with similar problems and tragically they've both passed away. It makes you so grateful but desperately sad.

     Survivors Gulit now that has to be part of PTSD for myself I'd give that a very big ✔️ the initial guilt of someone's child dying and yours living but only at a price.....receiving a heart transplant. People dying on the waiting list, people dying from complications post op, people needing second transplants etc. 

Guilt.......how do you deal with that ? Live with it ? It's so bloody tough but it's the only way, life goes on with or without you. I guess we owe it to all those whose journeys were cut short to live and love life and to try to make a difference every day xxxx

Solitude

       

Do you ever long or need to be on your own ?

 I do , quite often. I find I just need to get away from people sometimes. Previously I think I've described myself as socially anti social but last night I found a much better quote. I'm not anti social I'm pro solitude. 

      

I do like people, pretty hard to be in my type of job if you don't , ahhhh the lovely general public. I love my family and have a wonderful group of friends but sometimes I need my space to be alone. Alone doesn't mean lonely, I'm so not lonely . I like my own company, I enjoy chilling out of an Evening after Henry's in bed, reading, being online or watching TV , doing totally as I please. I like shopping on my own, I like walking around Bristol on my own with my camera, I find water very calming. At times of stress solitude is found in a locked bathroom, warm bath, candle light and soft music. It's a coping mechanism that works for me.

                                       

 

        On the 23rd of December S and his mum arrived , being polite I felt unable to be in the sanctuary of my bedroom in the Evening. On the 24th December a huge envelope of financial papers arrived from my solicitor for me to complete, I could feel my stomach knotting and my stress increasing then my parents arrived, no escape as the hostess ! By 25th of December Warren arrived into the mix , I guess I was a little worried on how this would be received too, stress increases.......stomach cramps, headache and indigestion type pain. With a host full of guests I wasn't able to get away, to have peace, a relaxing bath. I'm pretty intolerant to noise so I find too many people in a room hard with a TV or PlayStation booming away. See I'm a misery aren't I ? It was 5 days until most of the visitors went It took its toll, I felt unsettled. I wouldn't not invite everyone but I may need to find away to manage the situation better next Christmas, give my own needs some thought I guess. Book a hotel room 😉 ! 

      It's taken until this week to chill out completely again, back to enjoying a relaxing bath and quiet evenings alone in my room. My need to be alone is no reflection on the people I have in my life. I just need breathing space, time to reflect, regroup my thoughts and face another challenge or day. I then enjoy my time with my friends and family as its special .

          I think I just have a lot going on at the minute, lots to think about, my thoughts are a little preoccupied therefore the insomnia is trying to come back. I'm managing all of this the best I can and solitude works for me. But are we ever truly in solitude in this high tech wifi , mobile phone etc age ? I'm sure I'm not the only one whose heart sinks when text messages ping or Facebook messenger alerts you etc. You just cannot escape people, it's like being on call 24/7.  Maybe that's the problem, maybe it's the electrical devices I need to turn off and then my overactive brain will switch itself off too. Just a thought...........