All Change ? (A weighty issue)

   Bit of a different direction for this blog post as I'm being brave and focusing on myself. So please be kind ! Not that I'm that nice to myself at times , why are we our own worse critics ? Why do we self sabotage everything that we do in life ? No wonder my self esteem isn't always that great . Note to self stop beating yourself up !!!!!

  

Ok here goes, weight, or more precisely being overweight . I've probably been overweight my whole adult life but this is where being tall has its benefits. Any weight gain takes its time to show up to others. I think most people who know me would be shocked if they knew how much I actually weighed. So I usually get " you're not fat " but that's not true, I do carry around excess weight.  I've never gone up and down in size of clothes in my wardrobe, my dresses are a 14 or 16, shirts and coats 16, sweatshirts XL and jeans if I can get any to fit my arse and thighs are also a 16. Yet I have managed to squeeze an extra stone or two into these clothes over the past few years ! Last time I had a BMI in range was 2000 after a successful few months at Slimming World ! Then I got pregnant with Eloise. On the whole though I have remained at an okish pretty stable overweight until the past couple of years when pounds have been added on and have been pretty stubborn to shift. As Henry is now six it's wrong to blame pregnancy !  Shockingly a month ago my BMI changed from being overweight to being obese. How worried did that make me feel ? Felt quite sick to be honest and ashamed. Pretty good wake up call though, wasn't great standing on the scales at the GP surgery when I had the Flu either ! 

      

     

 What do I blame ? Age is a favourite, now I'm in my mid 40's or maybe the peri menopause , if we're sharing I only have a couple of light periods every year. Perhaps I'm getting heavier as I'm going to the gym and muscle is heavier than fat, right ? I know being in a relationship hasn't helped, more lovely meals out, more treats at home, dessert and eating man size portions ! But truly it's just down to one thing , food and my relationship with it. I do like to "treat" or reward myself. This is my you've been good all day and eaten well so have a treat this evening mentality or you've burnt 500 calories at the gym so replace them with something yummy like biscuits ! 

So I'm trying to re educate myself, it's not too late, I can turn this around, I don't have to keep my middle aged spread. This isn't how it has to be. Something has changed inside me over the past month and I actually feel ready to tackle my weight issue and I feel very positive. Let's just see if I  revisit this post in a couple of months and I'm succeeding then perhaps I'll be writing a wonderful positive update ! 

I've already decided I'm never going to make my children finish food. When they say they've had enough I won't force them to eat more (although of course I'd rather it wasn't the veg left uneaten ) They don't need to feel stuffed ! Food left uneaten isn't wasted. I find this harder when you eat out as you pay so much for a meal then not to eat it seems criminal , but it's not, stuffing food down your throat that you do not want or need that's just wrong. We always eat at the table so that's ok but perhaps we should switch the TV so we can concentrate on our food and each other ! I don't want my children to feel like I did as a child, I always felt big, quite sad really as looking back at photographs of myself I was totally fine as a child and teenager, just bigger than the average child as I was so much taller than my peers ! 

       

I guess I'm feeling brave enough to write this post as I'm doing ok , I have lost 15 lbs in 5 weeks , 10 of those in the last 3 weeks. Clothes are feeling loser, my eating habits are changing. I'm being mindful ! I'm drinking water when I can but its still not a favourite of mine ! 2-3 litres of fluid a day, yep I'm always in the loo ! Going to the gym seems easier, I'm feeling more motivated, clothes are fitting a bit better. Most importantly my arms are looking a little less beefy in my work uniform. I guess that was the decider I didn't want to be humiliated by having to ask for a bigger size ! Oh yes I'm back to being overweight instead of obese, always a plus ! So another two stone to go to make my BMI go just into range but I'll listen to my body and see what happens next. I'm excited and positive about my "weight loss journey" sounding a little American there ! I just want to take good care of my body, it's getting a little worn around the edges. I just want it to be the best it can be . 

  So what's the secret ? No diet, no pills, no increase in exercise, no slimming club just re education and knowing when I'm hungry. Actually my weight loss has cost me the sum of £4.99 in the form of an App. Not sure how or why I stumbled on this little golden nugget of information but I'm so glad I did. Not being on a diet is quite liberating ! I'm hypnotising myself slim , can't say I'd believe it either......😉

So let's hope when I go on holiday to Turkey in less than three months I don't look like a whale in my swimming costume . I don't want to be harpooned or released back into the wild. I'm not sure how long it will take me to achieve this much desired transformation but hey I didn't put all this weight on in just a few months. Slow and steady wins the race , I just hope I can stay focused, this will hopefully just be my new way of life . I'm looking forward to it. XxxxX

4 Years On

     

Monday the 27th of April 2015, not much of a date really , I'll be at work and the children all at school. Yet it's a date that 4 years previously changed our family dynamics in just once click of the computer mouse. The day I found out ,by innocently looking for another email, that my husband was having an affair with his childhood female friend. Later on that Evening I found out this affair was 9 months old, not really in its infancy. The hardest bit ? Trust lost, I thought we had that at least and mostly the devastation seen in Leah's face my eldest child, our first born, daddy's girl. She'd seen her daddy kissing this woman 8 months earlier but had been too afraid to speak up, too scared that we'd be angry, too worried about life as she knew it collapsing around her. I think that was the real horror in the situation , I cannot imagine how troubled she must have been keeping that secret to herself. 

           What had we done to these 4 innocent children ? Our marriage broken down and their idea of family broken for ever. I say we as No I didn't have an affair but there has to be a reason for a partner to seek solice and comfort etc, etc elsewhere. I cannot be without blame but I however feel no guilt. 

           I could analyse where things went wrong, beat myself up, with what ifs and whys. 

But did things actually go wrong ? 

Didn't they just come right ? 

Aren't we now all enjoying the life we want, need, love with those we want to be with ? My answer would be YES. 

 Things after that first gut wrenching shock were ok, each month becoming easier until this life became our normal. Our normal is good, it works. It's fun, chaotic, busy, demanding, happy, colourful and free. I hope others looking into our unit of 5 can see that maybe even feel it. 

Lone Parenting, even that wasn't new to me, I feel I've always solo parented my children with a tiny bit of weekend input from S, that's not changed. What's changed is that I don't resent that any more, Im not watching someone do very little practically for their family while I do the lion share. Bringing my children up on my own has given me confidence, I'm happy I'm doing the parent "job" to the best of my abilities. I find it relatively easy as long as Eloise's health is behaving !  I'm pretty self reliant and determined. We live in a house of minimal conflict ( it didn't sound like that earlier when Millie was having a screech) , well no parental conflict for the children to witness ! They can still tear into each other ! 

      My bond with the children is extremely strong, which is the best bit. I only have to share them a little bit. I even find that hard sometimes like over the post Christmas period when Henry stayed at S's house in Eastbourne knowing J the other woman was there. The three youngest will be spending 2 weekends at S's house in May half term, it doesn't fill me with joy but then again I have to be realistic they're with me a huge percentage of the time. I guess I just don't want Her interacting with my children ! My babies are growing up fast and I can see positive strengths growing in them. They are also becoming confident , self reliant, they are responsible, caring and even Henry has a good level of independence for a 6 year old. Leah is a young woman now, with a mind of her own, I admire her strength, she knows what she wants in life and I don't doubt for a minute that she'll not achieve all she desires. I hope that follows for her younger 3 siblings, they are most definitely doing their best at school to reach their full potentials. Ultimately I want them to be happy and healthy. 

       

      

    I see lone parenting as a real positive for us, but of course for most of you lovely people being a couple and bringing up your children together is your positive. So please don't ever split up just to experience life on the others side, the grass isn't always greener !!!!

   It's hard looking at pictures of the children in 2011 to see how young they were, to think Henry has spent two thirds of his life with just me bringing him up. He doesn't remember life any differently. I think in reality this has hit Millie the hardest she was just 7 almost 8. She craves the most attention and is the most demanding ! Bless her ! 

                          

   Four years now of being a separated woman, a single parent. The divorce is ongoing and could be finalised as soon as the finances are in order. We've been advised by our solicitors not to do that until we've reached a conclusion with our financial settlement. That's ok, it's already taken time and I want us to get this bit right ! I'm not going to change my name I've had it for 19 years now, I in all honesty cannot be bothered to change every document, Bill, bank account etc. I'm also going to keep the title Mrs after my divorce, I guess I can do that , can't I ? 

  So tomorrow we'll be together over the weekend celebrating all we have, being a family and eating Dominio's pizza as per tradition just a couple of days early . 

Mindfulness

On Friday we had a work Study Day one of the sessions was on Mindfulness. 

What is Mindfulness ? 

Mindfulness is a mind-body approach to well-being that can help you change the way you think about experiences and reduce stress and anxiety. Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment, using techniques like meditation, breathing and yoga. It helps us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings so that instead of being overwhelmed by them, we’re better able to manage them.

 

We did some work using a couple of the relaxation techniques one releasing stressful tension from each part of our body; the other using breathing techniques. I'm not entirely sure either were for me or that I'll use them again but I still took something away from the session. 

   I think over the years especially in the last two I have become more "mindful" of my own mental health and I've found ways of protecting it. The strategies I use work for me and I can recognise when stress, fear, anxiety etc is building up inside me. I'm due an incoming boat load of stress in the next week or so as Eloise's three monthly cardiology appointment is looming. Therefore expect this Facebook Status " locked in the bathroom, candles burning, Earl Grey Tea, soft music and a Lush Bath bomb" The solitude is part of my defence mechanism , the need not to talk is quite strong. I'm probably not easy to get through to during these episodes which can be hard for others to accept. That used to make me feel guilty but I've let that go and put my needs first. By writing my Blog I've found another outlet and that's good, writing things down, acknowledging my feelings, thoughts, fears in this way is a good step. This works better for me than taking during tougher periods of anxiety. When saying things out loud seem too final , too defeatist. This is an easier medium. 

   I'm extremely lucky I have a lot of "me" time, my four children are all in full time education and I only work 2-3 days a week. The work life balance I have is fantastic and I'm truly grateful for that. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if I should do more then something happens like Eloise's rejection episode and year of blips or even my prolonged flu and chest infection episode that reminds me what a fine balance it actually is. I can just about still juggle all the balls in the air and manage everything when life throws a curve ball ! In reality I don't possess the juggling skill ! 

I like this picture, it speaks volumes 

       

Honestly I have to say my mind flits backwards sometimes, wishing something's were different , imagine if Eloise never caught Hand, Foot and Mouth Virus ? Amazing that something like a "simple" childhood illness changed the direction of our life and potentially our future as a family. What would life have been like if it never happened, no illness, no transplant , no anxieties about Eloise's health, no fear of her dying prematurely. But it did happen, it happened in the past and mostly life has been good and kind to us over the past 12 years so that has to be remembered too. So that's the past.

The future can be a scary and unpredictable place, none of us knows what will happen but we just have to hope that life's good and kind, happy and healthy. That Life is the best it can be for us all. Therefore it's best not to let worries about the future engulf you too much and let you miss out on the here and now. 

   The present......we're here family life is good ! It's now been nine months since Warren and I met. Things are going well and having him around has been of benefit to us all. Millie of course would say differently ! We do so much as a family and recently enjoyed our first family trip to Northern Ireland. It's great having someone help us sort the house and garden out and we're enjoying doing the work together as a team. It's nice being looked after . Thank you Warren x

                                       

     

        

So take a look at Mindfulness it may work for you.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/mindfulness.aspx

  Just try to take a few minutes a day to relax yourself , a bit of quality me time to unwind, so the day to day stresses don't become a burden. This small amount of time could increase your mental well being and make you prioritise what's important in life and what you can let go. ❤️

Ache, I ache.......

ACHE

verb (used without object), ached, aching.

1.

to have or suffer a continuous, dull pain:

His whole body ached.

2.

to feel great sympathy, pity, or the like:

Her heart ached for the starving animals.

3.

to feel eager; yearn; long:

She ached to be the champion. He's just achingto get even.

noun

4.

a continuous, dull pain (in contrast to a sharp,sudden, or sporadic pain).

                      

  I ache.....

I ache, physically right now I have an ache or two, this is a conservative estimate , I'm discovering long lost muscles ! This can be explained by 3 good sessions at the gym, 2x 50 length swims and a heavy duty day in the garden all in a week. I feel the garden is in better shape than me , damned middle aged body, and the garden had only had one session so far...... A wall striped of a ton of evil ivy ! Next job getting the ivy pile disposed of ! 

                        

     

Note to self - * stop exchanging burnt off calories for treats then and just then you may actually see a result , as in weight loss not gain. You most definately cannot keep telling yourself that muscle weighs more than fat as muscular you're not ! 

     Physical aches and pains being dealt with warm bath with a relaxing bath bomb, a few pills, cup of tea, candle light and relaxation. 

                          

I ache......

I ache , mentally right now , my head feels full, so much whizzing around.

Manageable -  Stuff I can deal with, general parenting issues, who's where this week, appointments, after school activities, Henry's reading, Leah's trip, organising a repeat blood test for Eloise and who is bringing a friend home for tea !  

Sadness- losing a young girl in our Heart Transplant Families UK support group, sadly she passed away last month because of PTLD , do you know what that is ? I feel sad that I have to know, it's Post Transplant Lymphoproliferative Disorder , a lymphoma caused often by EBV Epstein-Barr Virus, you may be more familiar with this virus as one of the more common things it causes is Glandular Fever. Eloise had high levels of EBV for a while, hence the enlarged tonsils that later on needed removal. If caught early PTLD is treatable, treatment varying from the simple measure of lowering anti rejection meds, to chemo and radiotherapy.

http://www.nhs.uk/ipgmedia/national/lymphoma%20association/assets/lymphomasafterorgantransplantationla6pages.pdf

I ache with sadness for this young girls family, I wonder what if ? I'm sad that I have this worry for my Eloise and the rest of my #transplantfamily. It's back to that saying transplant is just the beginnnng you swap one set of medical problems for another, so bloody true. You've got to keep one eye on the ball. I'm very grateful to the young girl's mum for sharing her daughter's story with us all and raising awareness of this transplant complication.

Divorce- no major developments but I'm in limbo , as it's been in the news about divorce settlements I'm glad we've taken our time sorting out our financial agreement, but it's never far from my thoughts. I cannot make any major plans and do any of the work I need to do on my home until I know how my finances will be and how much more money the solicitor will drain out of me ! 

Work- NHS, busy, stress and I'll just leave it there, code of conduct and all that 😉

Study Day- my study day nemesis is snapping at my heels, Advanced Paediatric Life Support , hated on one level as the flashbacks I'm getting at night are quite vivid right now, words seem like they are being shouted, the equipment is staring me in the face. I see my child lifeless, cold and covered in tubes and wires, I'm watching monitors, I'm hearing their alarms, I'm watching the faces of the staff caring for her. I know I'll be able to deal with this safely and I will box it all away again. I can talk about everything that happened without breaking down. It's just tattooed into my brain ! Truth be told I hate role play and the dreaded scenarios much more these days so that in itself indicates progress ! 

                         

Dealing with my mental aches in the same way as my physical ones and actually doing the garden and swimming etc gave me time out from my jumbled thoughts .I'm too busy concentrating on whether its a weed I'm digging up or a prize shrub or whether I can lap the old lady "running" up and down the pool without knocking into the very slow splashy person doing backstroke. You've just got to laugh haven't you?  My mental aches aren't big ones, all will be calm (ish) again soon. Two days at work and one study day are all that stand in front of over two weeks off and a trip to Northern Ireland.  I can do this . 

I ache to feel relaxed , carefree and happy but is that something we lost during our childhood ? Xxx

Guilty - NO time to be sick !

     

       

It's been a month since I last blogged, I'm taking that as a good sign of a clear mind and an uneventful life ! This Evening I've returned once more to my place of sanctuary, the family bathroom. I'm accompanied by my usual support acts, candles, tea, Lush Bath bomb and soft music. The scene has been set for a chill out. 

          I'm not that agitated, just a few things on my mind brought about by my two weeks plus of being ill. 

I'll be honest I'm a terrible patient, I guess a typical nurse , I don't embrace the sick role therefore by carrying on I got worse. I find it very hard to give up caring for my family, I'm talking physically here as I never stop loving them . I feel guilty as their main ( read that as only useful ) parent . Poor Warren, it took a hell of a lot for him to convince me to rest, take a nap and do absolutely nothing. I found it incredibly hard that first weekend of the plague giving in to the virus and it's symptoms . Then Warren got ill so had to go home as coughing chorus wasn't conducive to sleep !  

       

                              

Then guilt trip number two my mum. I'd booked us tickets to see Wicked over a year in advance but the Evening before I was very unsure I'd be able to go as I felt so dreadful and hadn't left the house for four days. On hearing this mum wasn't happy and declared she'd not go either as she couldn't possibly go on her own.the thought of wasting over a hundred pounds galled me. So as you know I met her for lunch the next day and struggled through a very wonderful performance of Wicked. I kept getting hot and then clammy trying to suppress my cough so as to not annoy the other theatre goers. 

       More guilt when you have to bother your GP as you need a sick note, taking up a valuable appointment. Then them telling you they are worried about you, that your heart rate is too high, oxygen levels too low, they can hear your heart murmur, you're wheezy and to top it off you have your first ever chest infection. Which way does your guilt take you now, guilty of not taking care of yourself ? Guilty of not taking yourself to the Drs sooner ? 

Then there's work , the sick policy and the worry about breaching it but more importantly the guilt of letting your lovely colleagues down. 

      So there you are being sick is just one big guilt trip, not sure whether it's exacerbated by being a single mum ? But by feeling uneasy you never truly rest. Also family life goes on, parents evening, dentist, school runs and strangely enough you still need to feed the kids ! I'm also one of these people who cannot rest if the house is getting too messy, I'm no clean freak but all of my children dump their belongs everywhere and I need to assist them at regular intervals to repatriate said belongings ! I think if I didn't do that we'd end up on one of those TV programmes for hoarders. The hall being the favourite dumping ground ! 

Then there's the Ex totally oblivious in his other life, my feelings fluttered between jealousy and anger during my illness ! He's starting to trim the time he's sees the children, Friday Evening was the first casualty now Sunday is shrinking fast we've gone from him leaving at 5pm to 2pm. I appreciate he has a 3 hour journey and work the next day but seriously when do I get a break? What's frustrating me more is he's stopped getting them any lunch on a Sunday, any children that stay in the hotel with him get a cooked breakfast so in his mind they are no longer hungry ! So I'm left with having to provide them with a cooked meal in the Evening when I'd rather relax or I have to feed him as well. He's not doing this to be nasty, he's not like that he's just clueless ! 

         I guess when being ill you also question your own mortality and worry about your children living a life without you. I'm not taking this from a morbid perspective just a practical one. I need to write a will and stay alive until Leah's 18 years old ! I know she'll keep the family together and with guidance and support from a special set of people she'll be amazing. I just want them to keep living in Bristol and in their Family home. I just know S ( Ex) isn't up for the job, I think he'd agree that I'm not being harsh by saying this. Also I don't want my family to relocate to his town. Enough of that........I better get that Will written ! 

    Our financial settlement is dragging on , there will be less money to settle on after this as I've already paid my solicitor £1000 for a few letters, documents, phone calls etc. I was hoping to be divorced by the Summer but this isn't likely. As I won't divorce until the settlement is signed and sealed as I'm in a better position while still married. We've been separated for 4 years next month !!!! Having this hanging over me is making me a little twitchy. 

      My children continue to make me proud.  Great parents Evenings for all three girls, the Gingerlings is next week but he's moved up another stage in reading. Leah has left her job in Whsmiths and will soon start in Sainsburys 20 hours a week around her college hours. The man that interviewed her said she was a credit to herself. Eloise was amazing in her school play she's now rehearsing like crazy for her dance competition . I'll need to chase an appointment at Bristol kids with her cardiologist for next month but in herself she seems happy and well. 

          As for me, happy, well  children = happy me 😊

 Add in some love and support from my Irish , wonderful friends and a crazy family I'm lucky. I'll end with this picture I saw on one of my friends FB walls Today .

    

Balancing Act

 This is just another one of those mumbling musing kind of entries into my blog. So probably of minimal interest but I feel the need to get things out there ! 

                        

      Balancing life, work, family, children , partner, home, friends, hospital appointments, being a domestic goddess etc is tough. I've struggled a little with it all these past few weeks ( domestic goddess part probably my whole life ! ) since the New Year if I'm honest. Life's been a non stop whirl, but it kind of feels wrong to say that when I have friends whose struggles are huge and life changing the demands on them as a parent just huge. Things here have just seemed a little relentless, each potentially free day filled with an appointment or two. I'm not talking about anything major just dentist trips ( 3 so far) hospital appointments for Eloise, trips to the Drs, visit to the solicitor , a couple of parents Evenings, school plays and assemblies, meetings , deliveries. These have all needed a little juggling to make them happen usually involving someone collecting or looking after Henry if I'm honest. 

We've also had a little run of broken appliances hoping that things come in threes thing is true as so far the Dyson, Tumble Drier and shower have been replaced ! Again 2 deliveries , a trip to B&Q and two visits from a plumber as the money pit house is never straight forward. I have to thank Warren for sorting the shower and he'll also be here for the new carpet being fitted and a furniture delivery from IKEA......well a host of cardboard boxes some plastic coated MDF and an array of screws ! I'm lucky Warren can help me out with the practicalities of upgrading and repairing my home, it helps. 

     It would just be good to have someone ( their father ) to share the other stuff with , S has never been to a hospital, dental or Drs appointment, he's never been to a school play, reading workshop, class assembly or enjoyed the chaos that is a secondary school parents evening ! Let alone the joy of "options" evening ! Not only has he never been he's not been here to care for the other kids while I do the appointments. I guess I'm resentful of "fun" dad, he's never had to deal with a petrified Millie sobbing at the dentist or sat for hours in GOSH, you get the idea. I guess it's hard when you slog away and dad arrives with gifts and promise of a good weekend out, cinema, TGI's and a nice hotel stay.  It's just been a little tiring, another appointment tomorrow for Eloise's immunisations so for the third time this week Henry will be collected from school by one of his sisters. I know it's no big deal but it's my job as his mummy. Next week I get a breather it's half term and we are appointment free ! 

     Sometimes I think I should work more hours.  I only do 18hrs during school term time then a few weeks like this reminds me that I am one person juggling the needs of four children, including the bonus needs of managing Eloise's transplant and running a home. I have no more time to give to work , I need my week(s) off to balance myself mentally and regroup with my children . I'm incredibly lucky to have my contract. It enables me to keep going, knowing I can have special time with my children. I want us to enjoy our time together and we do ! I'll be gritting my teeth enduring the cold swimming pool at Butlins and the cheesy shows that are on offer next week. Knowing my youngest three children are having fun and being children. I'm sure I'll take a picture or two and memories will be made. I'm looking forward to watching Eloise and Millie during their dance class with Diversity.  

     So just a moany post ! I appreciate I'm lucky, I'm just tired, mentally and physically, insomnia is with me again probably because of the busy diary ! I'm hoping for a lovely weekend a chance to unwind and enjoy my life. It's a good one isn't it, I just need it to stop spinning ! 

Even reading this back after it's written makes me feel guilty, we are hard on ourselves aren't we our own worse critics. I'm just whinging, it was my choice to have the four children so of course they're going to take some looking after. Just  nowhere near as hard as life must be for my friends with children who have additional and quite complex medical and emotional needs. My children are all displaying independence even Henry can fix himself a bowl of cereal. I'm lucky to watch them all growing up , I'm proud of them all. 

Quite a Week !

Last week was always going to be on the stressful side, the trip to GOSH for Eloise's annual transplant review was looming. I'm never reassured just by looking at Eloise and asking her how she feels anymore. The stock answer at the minute from Eloise is "good" not sure whether that's an upgrade from "fine" ! I do wonder these days how does Eloise really feel, her body only really knows how it works with her transplanted heart. Anyway I digress again.

        I was sat at home drinking a cup of tea, waiting for the girls to come home from school . Busy Evening lay ahead as we had Eloise's Subject Evening ( apparently I am wrong when I call this event parents evening! ) Then a train to catch to London, as we needed to be at Gosh for 9am Wednesday I booked a hotel . Anyway my mobile rang, it was R Eloise's donors mum, she'd never rang me before. She sounded flustered and apologised for ringing me. She was going to feature in a Channel 4 news piece that evening because of the media interest in the 6 day old baby who became Britain's youngest organ donor. The call was to "warn" me that they'd be showing Z's picture, R wanted to make sure Eloise and I were ok. We chatted and I reassured her we'd be fine. The news would be on at 7pm so I asked Leah to record it as I knew we'd be travelling on the train then. 

           After a very good subject evening for Eloise and a couple of hours travelling we settled into our hotel room and feasted on an M&S picnic . I logged onto the wifi and went straight to Channel 4 catch up. There it was the news piece and straight away I saw a picture of a very cute baby, for the first time I was seeing Z . Eloise and I sat there listening to the news, of course for Eloise this was the first time she'd seen R . I think she was intrigued to see Z and R but not worried or upset. Just very level headed about it, in true Eloise style. 

           I've been asked how it felt to see Z's picture for the first time, I wasn't upset or full of emotion. I wonder what the correct response should be and whether not feeling much is odd ? It's not really something many of us ever encounter, I can't gage how I feel on many people's experiences , also we're all unique . It's an odd situation isn't it, looking at a baby knowing her heart is beating inside your baby. Knowing she's the reason your child is alive and her courageous family of course. Don't get me wrong it was lovely to see a picture. I guess in my mind I had an image of this toddler who saved my child's life. This new image was more vivid, real and replaced my fuzzy idea of what Z looked like. She's a very cute little girl and it's lovely to see her smile. 

       For me I just felt so proud of R she came across so well and I'm sure she moved and inspired many people with her words. I'm happy that you've seen her now and heard her side of our very special story that sadly only came about after tragedy. I'm glad she never regretted her decision to donate her baby's organs and that she's been comforted knowing two children's lives were saved. 

       Then on Sunday the story was in the Sunday Telegraph, move moving words from R, you cannot fail to admire this woman's strength . A true hero, our hero. Thank you will never be enough but it's a start. I know how lucky I am to know R , things could have been so different for me. Yet still now Eloise and I are this lady's priority she was worried about us seeing Z's picture but we're so happy she feels ready to share the image of her beautiful little girl. Z and her brave mummy not only saved Eloise's life and the little girl who received her liver but by sharing her story others will have been encouraged to sign up and that potentially means more lives saved. 

              Yesterday it was my turn to warn R that I was publicly going to post a video of Eloise on Heart Transplant Families UK public page. F a photographic media student filmed Eloise over a couple of days for a website on organ donation he was doing for his dissertation. He also filmed our lovely friend and fellow superhuman K . The results are amazing , really fantastic films. I hope they encourage people to talk about organ donation and sign up ! This morning I woke up to a lovely email from R telling me what a gorgeous and brave daughter I have. I'm touched xxxx

     

       

     

               http://vimeo.com/117767282

http://www.candourcreative.co/optin/opt-in.html