Balancing Act

 This is just another one of those mumbling musing kind of entries into my blog. So probably of minimal interest but I feel the need to get things out there ! 

                        

      Balancing life, work, family, children , partner, home, friends, hospital appointments, being a domestic goddess etc is tough. I've struggled a little with it all these past few weeks ( domestic goddess part probably my whole life ! ) since the New Year if I'm honest. Life's been a non stop whirl, but it kind of feels wrong to say that when I have friends whose struggles are huge and life changing the demands on them as a parent just huge. Things here have just seemed a little relentless, each potentially free day filled with an appointment or two. I'm not talking about anything major just dentist trips ( 3 so far) hospital appointments for Eloise, trips to the Drs, visit to the solicitor , a couple of parents Evenings, school plays and assemblies, meetings , deliveries. These have all needed a little juggling to make them happen usually involving someone collecting or looking after Henry if I'm honest. 

We've also had a little run of broken appliances hoping that things come in threes thing is true as so far the Dyson, Tumble Drier and shower have been replaced ! Again 2 deliveries , a trip to B&Q and two visits from a plumber as the money pit house is never straight forward. I have to thank Warren for sorting the shower and he'll also be here for the new carpet being fitted and a furniture delivery from IKEA......well a host of cardboard boxes some plastic coated MDF and an array of screws ! I'm lucky Warren can help me out with the practicalities of upgrading and repairing my home, it helps. 

     It would just be good to have someone ( their father ) to share the other stuff with , S has never been to a hospital, dental or Drs appointment, he's never been to a school play, reading workshop, class assembly or enjoyed the chaos that is a secondary school parents evening ! Let alone the joy of "options" evening ! Not only has he never been he's not been here to care for the other kids while I do the appointments. I guess I'm resentful of "fun" dad, he's never had to deal with a petrified Millie sobbing at the dentist or sat for hours in GOSH, you get the idea. I guess it's hard when you slog away and dad arrives with gifts and promise of a good weekend out, cinema, TGI's and a nice hotel stay.  It's just been a little tiring, another appointment tomorrow for Eloise's immunisations so for the third time this week Henry will be collected from school by one of his sisters. I know it's no big deal but it's my job as his mummy. Next week I get a breather it's half term and we are appointment free ! 

     Sometimes I think I should work more hours.  I only do 18hrs during school term time then a few weeks like this reminds me that I am one person juggling the needs of four children, including the bonus needs of managing Eloise's transplant and running a home. I have no more time to give to work , I need my week(s) off to balance myself mentally and regroup with my children . I'm incredibly lucky to have my contract. It enables me to keep going, knowing I can have special time with my children. I want us to enjoy our time together and we do ! I'll be gritting my teeth enduring the cold swimming pool at Butlins and the cheesy shows that are on offer next week. Knowing my youngest three children are having fun and being children. I'm sure I'll take a picture or two and memories will be made. I'm looking forward to watching Eloise and Millie during their dance class with Diversity.  

     So just a moany post ! I appreciate I'm lucky, I'm just tired, mentally and physically, insomnia is with me again probably because of the busy diary ! I'm hoping for a lovely weekend a chance to unwind and enjoy my life. It's a good one isn't it, I just need it to stop spinning ! 

Even reading this back after it's written makes me feel guilty, we are hard on ourselves aren't we our own worse critics. I'm just whinging, it was my choice to have the four children so of course they're going to take some looking after. Just  nowhere near as hard as life must be for my friends with children who have additional and quite complex medical and emotional needs. My children are all displaying independence even Henry can fix himself a bowl of cereal. I'm lucky to watch them all growing up , I'm proud of them all. 

Quite a Week !

Last week was always going to be on the stressful side, the trip to GOSH for Eloise's annual transplant review was looming. I'm never reassured just by looking at Eloise and asking her how she feels anymore. The stock answer at the minute from Eloise is "good" not sure whether that's an upgrade from "fine" ! I do wonder these days how does Eloise really feel, her body only really knows how it works with her transplanted heart. Anyway I digress again.

        I was sat at home drinking a cup of tea, waiting for the girls to come home from school . Busy Evening lay ahead as we had Eloise's Subject Evening ( apparently I am wrong when I call this event parents evening! ) Then a train to catch to London, as we needed to be at Gosh for 9am Wednesday I booked a hotel . Anyway my mobile rang, it was R Eloise's donors mum, she'd never rang me before. She sounded flustered and apologised for ringing me. She was going to feature in a Channel 4 news piece that evening because of the media interest in the 6 day old baby who became Britain's youngest organ donor. The call was to "warn" me that they'd be showing Z's picture, R wanted to make sure Eloise and I were ok. We chatted and I reassured her we'd be fine. The news would be on at 7pm so I asked Leah to record it as I knew we'd be travelling on the train then. 

           After a very good subject evening for Eloise and a couple of hours travelling we settled into our hotel room and feasted on an M&S picnic . I logged onto the wifi and went straight to Channel 4 catch up. There it was the news piece and straight away I saw a picture of a very cute baby, for the first time I was seeing Z . Eloise and I sat there listening to the news, of course for Eloise this was the first time she'd seen R . I think she was intrigued to see Z and R but not worried or upset. Just very level headed about it, in true Eloise style. 

           I've been asked how it felt to see Z's picture for the first time, I wasn't upset or full of emotion. I wonder what the correct response should be and whether not feeling much is odd ? It's not really something many of us ever encounter, I can't gage how I feel on many people's experiences , also we're all unique . It's an odd situation isn't it, looking at a baby knowing her heart is beating inside your baby. Knowing she's the reason your child is alive and her courageous family of course. Don't get me wrong it was lovely to see a picture. I guess in my mind I had an image of this toddler who saved my child's life. This new image was more vivid, real and replaced my fuzzy idea of what Z looked like. She's a very cute little girl and it's lovely to see her smile. 

       For me I just felt so proud of R she came across so well and I'm sure she moved and inspired many people with her words. I'm happy that you've seen her now and heard her side of our very special story that sadly only came about after tragedy. I'm glad she never regretted her decision to donate her baby's organs and that she's been comforted knowing two children's lives were saved. 

       Then on Sunday the story was in the Sunday Telegraph, move moving words from R, you cannot fail to admire this woman's strength . A true hero, our hero. Thank you will never be enough but it's a start. I know how lucky I am to know R , things could have been so different for me. Yet still now Eloise and I are this lady's priority she was worried about us seeing Z's picture but we're so happy she feels ready to share the image of her beautiful little girl. Z and her brave mummy not only saved Eloise's life and the little girl who received her liver but by sharing her story others will have been encouraged to sign up and that potentially means more lives saved. 

              Yesterday it was my turn to warn R that I was publicly going to post a video of Eloise on Heart Transplant Families UK public page. F a photographic media student filmed Eloise over a couple of days for a website on organ donation he was doing for his dissertation. He also filmed our lovely friend and fellow superhuman K . The results are amazing , really fantastic films. I hope they encourage people to talk about organ donation and sign up ! This morning I woke up to a lovely email from R telling me what a gorgeous and brave daughter I have. I'm touched xxxx

     

       

     

               http://vimeo.com/117767282

http://www.candourcreative.co/optin/opt-in.html

PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

If only it was this easy............

                     

One of my lovely cardiac / transplant mum's posted an interesting article on FB on PTSD and whether it was something experienced by the parents of children with cardiac conditions. The more I look at the article the more sure I am that the answer is yes. I previously only associated PTSD with our war veterans who have seen and felt the unimaginable now I can see it as a disorder relating to many groups of people. People just like me........

         I have found a good outlet for my tumbled thoughts in my writing and this blog. I say much more here than I'd verbalise not because I'm afraid or upset just because my writing doesn't stutter or say it all wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy or any answers or replies the act of putting down words is the therapy knowing the words are read just a bonus ( a lovely one , thank you x ) So I'm thinking do I display symptoms of PTSD ? 

       

Well I can have a very big tick for experiencing trauma ✔️

         The whole transplant journey has had its traumas but big ones for me are being in the quiet room of BCH and being given minimal chance of ever taking Eloise home alive. I can recall many of the conversations we had around that time. Word for painful stabbing word, nothing positive to grasp. 

               I think this would indicate PTSD the major life changing events happened 12 years ago but they're still so fresh in my mind. Add in the difficult 8 months with Eloise's health in 2013 oh and that thing called a broken marriage ( not heart related I know but a tad stressful ! ) 

Repeated intense memories or flashbacks ✔️

                Visually the worst memory is watching Eloise arrest on Picu at the Freeman, that can be replayed at many speeds in colour or black and white , clear words, echoed or muffled , slow or fast many variations but all recalled in the blink of an eye. Yet this all happened 12 years ago. Soon I have my paed resus training at work and that evokes many memories just the words "critically ill child" add in a few bits of equipment from the Resus trolley and I'm back there. 

        This is the bit that screams PTSD at me, of course I'm no expert and I don't actually need a diagnosis , I'm just trying to understand my mind a little better. To see that actually how I feel is a normal response. 

Avoiding people is a no but avoiding places ✔️

      I hate cubicle one in A/E at BCH it was the room Eloise was in when she was taken ill. I can remember the Drs and nurses talking about her case outside the room. Hearing the words cardiomyopathy and feeling sick and faint. Of course as Eloise has three siblings the room has never been avoided. On the 10 year anniversary of diagnosis I went to A/E had a hug and shed a tear with the A/E consultant , she remembered that day too.

     I think this is just a normal response not PTSD why would I like that room ? 

Persistent fear of the Event 

    I'd change this to a fairly persistent fear of the future but one that's not at the forefront of my mind every day just on significant dates or appointments or when bad things are happening to other members of my #TransplantFamily. So a small dark cloud on a sunny day. I've also described these fears as being safely boxed inside my head before but I think by writing down my feelings, fears etc  the lid's often ajar these days and that's ok. I'll let you all have an insight into what it's like living like this. 

Feeling detached from others ✔️

       Yes I'd say that but I also understand it as the transplant world is fairly unique , so variable no two journeys are ever the same, so many paths some lovely and smooth and others so rough there seems like there will never be a happy ending. I also like solitude so perhaps I sometimes make the gulf wider. Also it's so hard to explain all of this to others, sometimes it's easier not too. 

" I'm fine " how often do you hear yourself saying that as its easier than blurting out the truth as you know not everyone wants to listen to your true feelings as they cannot cope. Why should they understand ? Also I find I cry at those words if they're asked when I'm having a wobble especially at work ! 

Outbursts of Anger ✔️

    A tick for anger not really outbursts for me more the gritted teeth "Why did this fucking happen ?" Kind of anger , lots of why, why why ? Followed by what if........

    I think I'll always be angry this happened to my child even though I can follow it up by saying how lucky I am to still have her here today. Still pissed off !!!!!!! 

Difficulties sleeping or concentrating ✔️✔️

      Yep the big one bouts of insomnia, days, weeks and quite often months not a year yet thankfully. This week I'm not too bad a few wake ups but not too broken, I've not got up out of bed for a week or so. I think the sleep will deteriorate again as we near Eloise's annual review in a couple of weeks. But I guess pre appointment tension is quite a common phenomenon ! 

So yes I'm an insomniac but is it related to PTSD ? Probably not .......just middle aged woman syndrome ? 

Poor concentration yes at times but that could be sleep deprivation and having a million things on my mind right now it's pretty fried ! 

So this is probably not PTSD either.

So just a little run through of just one small list of symptoms , who knows whether I have PTSD all I know is I'm not the woman I was before all of this , I never feel totally carefree , almost but not 100% but who is ever truly satisfied with all they have until they nearly lose it ? 

       

     Today my lovely friend at work said Eloise was amazing with everything she goes through and I was too. That meant a hell of a lot. I'm not amazing just a mum desperate to do all she can to keep her child with her and well, physically and mentally. My "job" is made easier by my Eloise. It's hard when you lose members of your transplant family especially when they are children . When Eloise was having her difficulties in 2013 two other children were also unwell with similar problems and tragically they've both passed away. It makes you so grateful but desperately sad.

     Survivors Gulit now that has to be part of PTSD for myself I'd give that a very big ✔️ the initial guilt of someone's child dying and yours living but only at a price.....receiving a heart transplant. People dying on the waiting list, people dying from complications post op, people needing second transplants etc. 

Guilt.......how do you deal with that ? Live with it ? It's so bloody tough but it's the only way, life goes on with or without you. I guess we owe it to all those whose journeys were cut short to live and love life and to try to make a difference every day xxxx

Solitude

       

Do you ever long or need to be on your own ?

 I do , quite often. I find I just need to get away from people sometimes. Previously I think I've described myself as socially anti social but last night I found a much better quote. I'm not anti social I'm pro solitude. 

      

I do like people, pretty hard to be in my type of job if you don't , ahhhh the lovely general public. I love my family and have a wonderful group of friends but sometimes I need my space to be alone. Alone doesn't mean lonely, I'm so not lonely . I like my own company, I enjoy chilling out of an Evening after Henry's in bed, reading, being online or watching TV , doing totally as I please. I like shopping on my own, I like walking around Bristol on my own with my camera, I find water very calming. At times of stress solitude is found in a locked bathroom, warm bath, candle light and soft music. It's a coping mechanism that works for me.

                                       

 

        On the 23rd of December S and his mum arrived , being polite I felt unable to be in the sanctuary of my bedroom in the Evening. On the 24th December a huge envelope of financial papers arrived from my solicitor for me to complete, I could feel my stomach knotting and my stress increasing then my parents arrived, no escape as the hostess ! By 25th of December Warren arrived into the mix , I guess I was a little worried on how this would be received too, stress increases.......stomach cramps, headache and indigestion type pain. With a host full of guests I wasn't able to get away, to have peace, a relaxing bath. I'm pretty intolerant to noise so I find too many people in a room hard with a TV or PlayStation booming away. See I'm a misery aren't I ? It was 5 days until most of the visitors went It took its toll, I felt unsettled. I wouldn't not invite everyone but I may need to find away to manage the situation better next Christmas, give my own needs some thought I guess. Book a hotel room 😉 ! 

      It's taken until this week to chill out completely again, back to enjoying a relaxing bath and quiet evenings alone in my room. My need to be alone is no reflection on the people I have in my life. I just need breathing space, time to reflect, regroup my thoughts and face another challenge or day. I then enjoy my time with my friends and family as its special .

          I think I just have a lot going on at the minute, lots to think about, my thoughts are a little preoccupied therefore the insomnia is trying to come back. I'm managing all of this the best I can and solitude works for me. But are we ever truly in solitude in this high tech wifi , mobile phone etc age ? I'm sure I'm not the only one whose heart sinks when text messages ping or Facebook messenger alerts you etc. You just cannot escape people, it's like being on call 24/7.  Maybe that's the problem, maybe it's the electrical devices I need to turn off and then my overactive brain will switch itself off too. Just a thought...........

                         

An Alternative Christmas.....I did it My Way !

Christmas 2014     

                                     

  

- Christmas 2014 has passed now and I feel it went well. 

In the end I decided I would see Warren on Christmas Day in the afternoon. I'm unsure as to what others thought but at the end of the day he's my partner and we've been together for 5 whole months ! It wasn't at all awkward, everyone seemed to be relaxed. 

    I can appreciate that the way I spend my Christmases with my soon to be Ex husband S and his mother J quite strange and yes if it was just me in the equation it wouldn't happen. I'd not invite them, but as most of you know as a parent your Childrens needs become first. So that's how this way of spending Christmas as a family unit evolved. 

Cue Christmas 2011 our first as a separated couple, I gave this some thought and decided I never wanted to spend a Christmas without my children while they were young and still living under my roof. I didn't want to share them a day each for example or do alternative years etc. Most of these type of solutions not practical when S lives 3 hours away.  So I put myself in quite an uncomfortable situation that first Christmas and had S and J as my house guests, even letting S into my bedroom to watch the children open their stockings. J was very grateful to be here to see her only grandchildren and my parents helped to ease a lot of the tension. The children's excitement helped too especially little Henry who at 2 years old was so enthralled with the magic of it all. I'd never want to miss those moments and I have to hope S feels like that too. 

   So Christmas 2014 our fourth celebrated in this way. In the week before I feel some tension more so this year as S wanted to take Henry back to Eastbourne with him to spend some more time with him, his partner and J. This made me physically sick. I so didn't want my boy to go, I've managed to avoid this situation until this year when Eloise spent a day at S's home in October. It's different with Henry, he's only 5. I didn't want S's partner near any of my children ever but I can't say much as S may feel the same about Warren being near his children and of course that's a frequent happening. Also not going to rock the boat now as we're starting to sort the financial side of our divorce out. I know it seems like choosing to go for the easy life option, but sometimes you have to know what's worth fighting for and three nights without my baby I'll manage he'll be back in my arms very soon. We've managed the last three plus years amicably I want that to continue. Of course if it was just me I would love closure to never have to see or hear from him again. But we have more than history we have four children. So I can tolerate him for their sakes.

    So on the 23rd of December S and J arrive I'm out shopping with my lovely friend K ,we had a fabulous afternoon and then enjoyed dinner out as well. A lovely relaxing day, stocked up on M&S food. When I arrived home the TV is blaring out and Henry is still up running wild , yep nothing's changed. 4 years on same chaos and lax parenting.  Kids have been fed the obligatory take away. So I sort out Henry and the kitchen, write a shopping list for S and print out the meat order for M&S. I say my goodnights.....feeling like a stranger or an intruder in my home. The invasion is getting to me. Time to zone out in that tried favourite the bath.

24th December - S takes Henry and Eloise out to do the food shop and go to the Cinema to watch The Hobbit Film. I spend my time doing all the last minute cleaning and prepping. In the afternoon my parents arrive into the mix, the house is filling up. Then Conor and Leah so bodies everywhere ! S cooks our evening meal, it took some time as he'd set up the Playstaion in the basement so he could game all over the holiday period without being disturbed. It's funny to see what your life was like not that long ago and be reminded that you're so lucky now. Presents all sorted, stockings filled, bed time. Another day survived, tick ! So lots of messages sent to Warren, pleas for help ! 

25th December - Christmas Day , opened the stockings in my bed, S didn't join us this year as he'd not realised that was what was happening even though I sent both Millie and Henry down to tell him. Guess what he was on the Playstation , lol ! The day went the usual way, great presents, S in the kitchen, parents chatting. Kids playing etc, etc. I was on FB messenger with Warren. I decided to invite him around to join us late afternoon. A bit of a gamble, I felt a little anxious until he arrived but It went well , he fitted in with everyone and it wasn't awkward........well not until my dad asked where Warren was sleeping ! 

      

26th December - Boxing Day I had a lovely time shopping with J , mum and Millie. Warren was kind enough to be our chauffeur and bag carrier, his only reward a panini , oh and boxer shorts ! He also delivered Conor's presents to his house. 

 S cooked another delicious roast this time lamb, so nice not cooking, it's still something I'm very rubbish at ! It's the timing....I'm currently in the kitchen cooking a roast right now, it's not going too well ! 

Then the funniest thing I became part of three's a crowd as Warren and S settled down to watch Expendables 3 together, you couldn't make it up could you ? I think it's easier if they do get on as they'll keep meeting up when it's S's weekend to see the children. I think J was more put out than S as it's obvious that Millie in particular likes Warren being here and likes the attention he gives her. I've been reflecting a little on the break up of my marriage lately thinking my children weren't harmed by it. I now think perhaps it's Millie who has missed out on having a dad and the attention from him . She was seven when we split up. 

                               

27th December S and J left at 8.30am taking my very excited baby boy with them the house instantly became quiet. I'm not sure I like it the Gingerling adds a lot into the mix of our family, he's a huge character. I never imagined having a son, now I cannot remember a time without him . He's no angel but he's fun , a ball of energy . I just love his "take" on the World. So this was already a tough day then Warren had the worrying news his dad was poorly and hospitalised. Thankfully as the news filtered over from Ireland there was reassurance and Warren was able to relax a little, it must be very hard being so far away from your close family at times like this and being unable to just pop over. I felt useless not able offer any major comfort , just words and a hug. I think the contrast between Warren's family and S's is huge and I'm not talking about the number of children here. Just the love and respect Warren has for his parents is lovely to see.  I think J wants S to invite her to live with him and his partner, I just have this feeling she'll grind him down. Her hints were quite huge, so good luck to them ! 

       Later I had a lovely wander along Park Street with mum and dad. Lunch out and good shopping. 

28th December - I think we're alone now......last of the guests have gone. PJ's , relaxation, log fire and no schedule, perfect. 

       

 So that was a summary of my first Christmas with Warren and my children. I'm happy and I'm glad Warren was with me, my dad thanked Warren for his company this morning. I think it was good for them to see Warren again. 

S could buy me anything I wanted he just didn't but he never gave me what I needed . Time, companionship, attention and love these things are free but more precious than anything and sadly in some  relationships very rare. I have all of those things now and it feels good and that feeling is filtering down to my children as well. I hope that Warren feels this way too. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.........I did it My Way ! 

Our Year 2015

Let's start at the very beginning always a good place to start.

 

JANUARY - in one respect I didn't want this month to arrive as GOSH had moved Eloise's Annual Review forward because of her persistent tachycardia of unknown origin. They needed to do a coronary angiogram to see if her heart was ok. Mainly to check her coronary arteries following her two rejection episodes. But then again it's best to have answers and know what you're dealing with, always liked a plan ! So I wished time away until the appointment date arrived. Thankfully her heart was totally fine, all tests were normal , zero rejection on biopsy and her coronary arteries were "peachy" a great start to our Year. 

                                    

This is the month I bravely joined City Socializer, it was a great thing for me and I've made some lovely friends and had some fabulous days and evenings out. Looking forward to more in the New Year.

                   

FEBRUARY - this is usually a fun month as it's Henry's Birthday month and we always go to Butlins in Minehead.

      This year my baby turned 5 years old 

             

                                               

We enjoyed our week in the Butlins Bubble, hardly a bubble when you have Wifi but it's still a change of scene. Leah stayed with my parents as did the tortoises ! The girls loved the roller skating rink and Henry the swing boats. The Sooty and Sweep show was very popular too and Dick and Dom.

       

MARCH - not sure what it's like in your house but it seems like March is a bit of a non event Month ! I enjoyed a trip to the Zoo with Millie and Henry, I remember Millie had one of her mega tantrums !!! It must have been warm looking at their clothing.

                               

March does however contain Mothers Day so rather than cook and clean up we went out for lunch.

                       

APRIL - always a good month 2 weeks off for school holidays and chocolate as its Easter ! Travelled to Southend to the Hearts for Kids Ball with Katie and Ruth and met some of my lovely #TransplantFamily for the first time and caught up with others. The weather was glorious. 

                        

Another April highlight going to see Miranda Hart live at the Birmingham NEC , we made a trip of it and got the longest Premier Inn Room ever ! The show was great and Miranda her usual hilarious self. Think I might get the dvd so we can see the show again, after all Eloise is Miranda's love child ! 

                        

MAY - May this year meant more travelling and more visits to see my heart family. Katie and I flew to Newcastle and had two great days shopping and eating ( of course) Managed to meet up with a few of my #TransplantFamily for drinks one Evening and have a cuppa with Eve and her girls the next day. It was a great trip and needs repeating.......

          We enjoyed an after hours tour of the SS Great Britain one Evening, you needed to use torches inside the ship and search for the captains treasure which was gold chocolate coins, it was a really lovely Evening and the children enjoyed climbing all over the ship. 

                      

May is Amelia's birthday month, she was 11 on the 22nd of May 

         

     

Busy month May during half term as S had the three youngest children I decided to take the opportunity to have some me time and travel to Norwich to catch up with my friends M and J, had a really lovely time exploring the city despite the wet weather ! Lots of beautiful buildings and a good shopping area. Had some good meals together and on the last day M drove me to a few places on the Norfolk coastline, stunning beaches, never seen such vast lengths of sand, all unspoilt and non commercial. 

           

                         

JUNE- now the month of June brought some highs and lows as for the first time Eloise was hospitalised with an infection, she caught pneumonia. I was taking her to Bristol kids to have routine bloods taken when she suddenly became breathless. This scared me as breathlessness is a sign of rejection. One of my lovely work collegues came and collected her and we wheeled her to A/E. Her temperature was high and after a chest X-ray pneumonia was diagnosed. She was discharged with oral antibiotics as she was seeing her cardiology team in the afternoon. Later once Dr M saw her he admitted her to ward 32 for oral antibiotics. 3 nights later we eventually got home. Eloise was a star throughout, I think she liked the peace and quiet of her private room ! 

                                      

A couple of days later we celebrated the 12th Anniversary of Eloise's heart transplant. Always remembering Zara Eloise's donor. 12 wooden hearts in Eloise's box one for every year of recycled life. This year I was lucky enough to get a limited addition crystal heart while we were in Newcastle, sold in aid of CHUF . The unit where Eloise had her transplant.

                                   

                                   

During June Leah finished taking all her GCSE exams in 13 different subjects and then left Cotham School . She really enjoyed her school prom and looked stunning.

                                     

                           

JULY - I'm sure plenty of things happened at the beginning of July but I'm going to focus firstly on my scary 5 days on Tinder. Take a look you'd be scared too if you look at who is on offer in your local area ! I swiped away, not always in the right direction, made a fair few matches and got chatting to a couple of guys. Then I matched Warren, we had a short conversation over a day or so then on the 17th of July we met very briefly and the texting continued and facebook messenger was added.

   

 Two days later I flew to Turkey with my family for another wonderful holiday at Club Orka in Hisaronau . We had a great first week with friends we'd met on holiday twice before. Such a relaxing break. A high light was our boat trip. It was great and we got some lovely professional photographs on a CD. 

       

I persisted with the sporadic wifi and spent a lot of time in contact with Warren, you've got mail !!!! Very strange getting to know someone in this way. Remembering that last time I dated many of us didn't even have mobile phones except for work purposes. Dating or getting to know someone via social is another thing ! 

AUGUST - back to England, I'd arranged to meet Warren the next day Monday for a coffee as we arrived home at 5am on Sunday after no sleep ! But in the end as all we were doing was pinging messages we met Sunday Evening, followed by the longest date ever on the Monday. That was just the beginning.........

           

We got all grown up and joined the National Trust as a family. I'm so glad we did we've already had some lovely days out as a couple and as a family. The children really enjoyed Durdham Park. I think Eloise the most she loved the house as she enjoys history. They also liked the freedom of playing in the grounds, hiding in trees.

                        

Also my very clever big girl Leah got her GCSE and Btec results 3 A* and 5 A's, 4 B's and 1C . Very proud of all she's achieved xxxx

SEPTEMBER - birthday month for me and Eloise. Eloise turned 14 and myself.....45 !!!! 

                                    

Eloise with her Boofie dog from Warren, she had a great day and enjoyed TGI's for lunch as S and J were down for the weekend. She later went in lunch and cinema trips with her friends.

We enjoyed, well most of us a trip to Blaise Castle one afternoon and the children had finished on the playground equipment and we'd had a coffee we went for a walk to part of the castle. Henry had a mega red rage as the girls climbed onto the window ledge. I think this was Warren's first major experience of Henry at full ginger power ! He survived but with perforated ear drums ! 

                   

Finally finished a little DIY project in September, I had big ideas of all the house Maintainence I was going to do but as usual life and enjoying it got in the way ! I'm still happy with how this little hallway area looks, just need a new PC as this ones ancient ! Sad to see it go as Eloise was given it by Make A WIsh.

         

OCTOBER- another busy month it seems those with a half term in them always are, so let's start on the 16th of the month Leah my first borns 17th Birthday eeeccck that makes me feel so old, how did my baby get that old ?????

                               

During half term Eloise went on a PGL camp with Gosh transplant team and 8 other teenagers, she had an absolutely incredible time and loved every minute and made some great friends in the process. 

         

It was at this time I met R the mum of Z Eloise's donor, an incredible meeting with a wonderful lady, we hope to meet up again in the New Year. 

During half term Warren , Millie, Henry and I went to Wales. On the first day we enjoyed St Fagans , a museum of Welsh life, totally free and worth a visit. Lots of little houses, shops, businesses etc rebuilt on site . Great history , nice gingerbread too ! 

                 

We stayed overnight in a Premier Inn family room and enjoyed plenty of food ! The next day we went to the Big Pit a mining museum. I think this was my favourite, so interesting and great to be able to experience in a small way what it was like going underground into the pit, so , so dark without your helmet light on, good job we did have hard hats as I bashed mine a few times ! 

        

NOVEMBER - I think the highlight of this month has to be our trip to London, we had a great time. As we'd been invited to the Gosh Christmas party on the Sunday we decided to make a weekend of it and S booked two hotel rooms for us. On the Saturday we went to the Imperial War Museum, this was somewhere Eloise and Warren really wanted to visit and they weren't disappointed. It was great, we are so lucky to have such amazing museums to visit all for free. Very thought provoking too.

     

                        

In the late afternoon S took the three children to Covent Garden and to TGI's for their Evening meal. So I thought I'd take Warren on the tube to Oxford Street for a meal and then a stroll to Covent Garden. Poor irish hadn't been to London much I think the tube journey and subsequent scrum trying to get out the tube station freaked him a little. Have to admit there was a sea of people and you had little control over the direction you were taken in ! I tried my best to find a restaurant I knew but in the end we ended up in a very lovely Italian, sadly Warren's first lasagne wasn't warm so a replacement was requested. They offered free drinks but we refused but in the end we both got very delicious desserts free of charge. As town was so busy we went back to the Marriott, meeting S and Millie in the bar. Free drinks for executive guests so S and Warren made the most of this and clocked up a fair few Stella's before time was up ! 

      The Gosh party was good the next day too, good to catch up with everyone, good food, kids liked their gifts. So I'm glad we made the effort. 

           

                            

                         

DECEMBER -  a busy month made busier by my bag swap trip to London ! Lots on at the children's school, dance Evenings, class assemblies, parties etc . Our calendar was pretty packed ! Warren and I managed a trip to Newport spending time with one of his brothers and his two sons. We stayed in a Premier Inn and enjoyed a lovely meal together in the Evening. The next day we went for a lovely drive a long the coast and ended our day in Tyntesfield NT, we had a cream tea and a wander around the house and grounds. It looked lovely all decorated for Christmas.

  

       

                                       

For the first time since living in Bristol I made it to the Bath Christmas Markets, I only bought my dads present from the market a metal Heron garden ornament. But we enjoyed wandering around and had a good meal out. We used our two together rail card for the first time, jeez we're middle aged ! 

        

I won't waste time blogging about Christmas here as I think I pretty much covered that in my Alternative Christmas log post. We've had a nice few days together as a smaller family unit since and it was lovely getting Henry back yesterday, we missed him. I think S will want to take him again for another break but at the end of the day he's his dad and it's good he's taking an interest. I think for the girls it's different and they'll not want to go to his home. 

    So 2014 you've been kind to my family , we've got through you unscathed , Eloise's health has been good, we've had no major mishaps and the victorian money pit we live in hasn't been too costly. I feel very lucky.

 2014's major changes occurred in my own life firstly with me getting my social life back and secondly my first new relationship in over 20 years with Warren. Things are going well for us, which is nice. We've still a lot to learn about each other and that's a good thing, it all takes time and we've got that. Looking forward to more "dates " and spending more days as a couple and as a family. 

2014 brought good times and sad times for my #TransplantFamily. We celebrated people receiving their call, we celebrated mile stones and anniversaries , we celebrated everything that was possible since transplant and things achieved from new babies born to transplantees and books of survival written . We hugged each other tightly when transplant calls didn't come in time and when the fight to survive post transplant became too much. It's not easy but we have each other. My wishes for 2015 that my lovely friends who are waiting receive their calls and get the perfect transplant with a text book recovery. For my friend pineapples son to receive his second transplant. For everyone to stay happy and healthy xxxx

My own wishes, I just want an easy life ! I know don't we all. I guess 2015 is the year I'll get divorced in just 4 years since I separated. Hopefully all the finances will be settled soon as that's been hanging over me, I want that sorted. Yet again I'll say I want to decorate the house, maybe this year I will ! So much to do but maybe I've got someone who will help me now so it won't be such an enormous task.

    I want my children to be happy, settled, content and ultimately happy. I want Eloise's heart to stay healthy, I also hope to meet R her donor's mother again this year. 

I want to take good care of myself, my own health.......better keep going to the gym then ! I actually think blogging, zoning out in the bath and going to the gym have saved my sanity. All giving me "me" time, so they'll continue in 2015. 

    So thank you to my friends for being there for sharing all the good times this year, I hope we have more fun next year. To my #TransplantFamily I love you all and I'm so glad we have each other #UnitedWeStand. To my family , five is still a pretty magic number and I love you my four babies very much. 

                                     

Here's to 2015 bring it on..........

       

     

 

     

 

     

             

   

      

      

      

      

     

Lost

As you all know I had a huge Miranda moment this week and had allegedly lost my bag containing amongst other things a much loved dress and ultimately a very precious Pandora bracelet. Even before I remembered my bracelet was in my washbag I was fairly upset, I absolutely hate losing things or my belongings being broken, I feel so unsettled until they've been fixed or replaced. Then I had that sick to the pit of your stomach feeling when I realised my bracelet was lost. Every charm either bought for me to represent a person or an event in my life or carefully selected by myself for a reason. After the initial shock and upset the more practical side of myself kicked in these were things I could buy identically again or at least something similar again. But actually I didn't want to, it wouldn't be the same rushing out spending £500 on a bracelet the charms wouldn't be the same ones, they wouldn't have been given with love like the originals. I made a plan I would possibly buy new charms to represent those important things in my life, my family, Eloise's heart transplant and her donor angel. I felt settled with that decision.

Then I got to the "no one died " stage we had a good weekend, everyone's happy and well. I've been through much worse in life, Eloise was "broken" on more than one occasion , quite a bit broken for a year. I remember easily how unsettled I felt, that gnawing feeling in my stomach, the feeling of dread and impending doom, it was horrific. I don't want to go there again but I guess every cardiology appointment makes these feelings resurface. If anything it makes you appreciate the good times, we had a great family weekend, lots of memories made. What is more important than that ? Not a band of silver beads for sure. Now if I lost my camera..........I'm a camera addict, I can't bear not having my camera with me, I like to have the option to capture every moment. I guess the pictures I take just reinforce the memories we make, capturing a little bit of a special day or moment. 

                                    

                           

 We had such a great weekend, for some I think it was odd that S, Warren and I spent time together with the children. I think it went really well, I know Warren feels that way I hope S did too. The two men had a few beers together in the bar, we seem to have a souvenir Stella Glass in the house !  We all  enjoyed the museum ( I lie Henry wanted to leave after an hour and Millie had a slapped arse face ) very much and it was great to be amongst our friends at the Gosh Transplant Party. Eloise was very happy as were Millie ( inbetween diva strops) and Henry ( no red rages ) Thank goodness for level headed Eloise ! 

             

                        

                     

       So the best things in life aren't things they're people and people can't be replaced.......except Ex husbands ! I'm lucky I have all those who are precious to me in my life, we came close to losing Eloise but she's here living life to the full. I cannot imagine life without her or her siblings, it would be too painful, a missing piece of my family jigsaw. While I cannot predict the future, that's probably for the best. I can say we'll enjoy every precious moment as we got close enough to losing Eloise to realise the fragility of life and that the only certainty in life is death. I wouldn't want any of you to go through such a loss or near loss but I do want you to appreciate every day as a gift. Sadly in the World we've been thrown into there are no guarantees we've lost friends and friends have lost their precious children. It's just so bloody sad, impossible to understand why, you'd drive yourself mad overthinking all the whys and what ifs . I just wish transplant was the cure and that the new heart lasted for ever, maybe soon because of medical advances it will be the miracle we all dream of, for now I'll dream of Happy Ever After for all four of my darling children, Leah, Eloise, Amelia and Henry, my World , My life xxx