Thankful - but transplantation isn’t a cure ❤️

                                       

        

A little reflection, plus it's time for me to talk transplantation......again. After reading a few posts from friends in our transplant family and my latest attendance run in with Eloise's college I thought I'd write a few words. I  know that all my friends who have either received a transplant themselves or who have a transplanted child are thankful. We know we are lucky and blessed because of organ donation. We know that others aren't so lucky and they die waiting, we know because we have lost friends from our community. It's our reality. 

         The thing is transplantation isn't a cure and if you say we should be thankful when things are bloody tough mentally or physically for us or our loved one its not always helpful ! We are thankful, we are grateful but let us vent, let us rage, let us say what life can truly be like after a heart transplant. For the most part Eloise's journey has been smooth, one rough year out of 15 gives her a good percentage of "normal" life. I just wish we could forget about it. However this isn't the scenario for all our transplanted friends, some of them have complication, after complication and are constantly hospitalised others aren't the person they were before the transplant mentally. The mental health side of things affects the carers too.

Of course before I was thrust into the world of transplantation I was pretty uneducated in it even though I'd been a nurse for 10+ years at that point. So I think the easiest way to explain things is you change one terminal illness for another. So in Eloise's case she was in heart failure following a rare complication of hand, foot and mouth disease. Having a heart transplant saved her and has bought her extra time but no guarantees . Transplantation comes with so many what ifs , so many complications, medications that have side effects, side effects that need medicines. An immune system that is suppressed to stop the transplanted organ rejected. An immune system that cannot always fight off a common infection leading to hospitalisation, prolonged treatment and sadly sometimes even death. It's such a fine balancing act and simple parts of growing up can tip the balance as we found out to a cost when Eloise hit puberty. Her doses and types of anti rejection medication were no longer enough to stop rejection. 

    I guess we get through all of this because we have to, this is our reality. We can't change what's happened and maybe it's a good thing that we don't know what's ahead. I used to wish so hard that none of this nightmare had ever happened, I'd have traded almost anything to have Eloise whole again. Sadly, however much begging I'd do somethings cannot be changed, so no point in dwelling on it. This is why we live life in the moment and one moment at a time. I want Eloise to have a full life and so far because of transplantation that's happening so for that I am truly thankful. We don't really have any other choice, I just want Eloise to be the best she can be.

                       

   Of course my hopes and dreams stay with me, add in my optimism and Eloise will continue to live a wonderful life. Those transplant records and statistics will be reached and years added on. I will always be in debt to Zara's family, when there was only one option available to keep Eloise alive their bravery allowed that to happen. Organ donation is an amazing thing. So that's another reason to be thankful. 

    The transplant journey isn't easy, it involves decisions no one should ever have to make. It's so awful knowing your dying child (loved one or even you yourself) is lying their waiting for the right person to die, for an organ match and ultimately for a brave family to make that decision to donate organs. It's hideous and messes with your head, you feel like the grim reaper, you're desperate and clinging onto hope. I hoped Eloise's own heart would recover, with medication, time and mechanical support. I wanted her to keep her own heart but time ran out, medication and science could no longer sustain her fragile body.

    It's now the Winter, so let's see how Eloise's immune suppressed body copes this year, she's only just received the flu vaccine and has already had five days off this term with a cough. Hence the bloody stupid attendance letter ! That has been dealt with and multiple apologies have been received but really that's not the point ! So please be mindful if you are unwell please keep your germs to yourself if you have a transplanted friend. Plus don't be offended or moan when we turn you away or cancel plans. Germs that do little to you could ultimately kill someone who is immune suppressed. They may need to be hospitalised and other organs maybe affected. So an illness that's an inconvenience to you could wipe a transplanted person out. 

   Long term complications , none of those lead to you being thankful either ! They can happen at any time sadly. The medications used to save a transplanted person and keep them alive have side effects that have a knock on effect with other organs etc. The anti rejection drugs are harsh on the kidneys leading to kidney damage which can progress to kidney failure which requires a transplant ultimately and dialysis in the interim. The drugs can also cause cancer. Basically it's fine tuning and it's a continuous thing which requires a battery of regular blood tests, echo's, ecg's and other more invasive investigations . It's just never ending and the fear of the Drs finding problems never goes away. Maybe it even intensifies the more years you are post transplant as it's a known fact that transplanted hearts develop coronary artery disease.

      Initially I was very reluctant to even consider heart transplantation for Eloise, then she fought hard to stay alive during her transfer to the freeman by plane that I had to give her a chance. I continued to wonder if I'd done the right thing for some time, maybe years if I'm honest with you. But now I know I so did the right thing for Eloise. I'm just a mother desperate to give her the best life possible regardless of survival times. Being in the transplant world has changed me and my outlook on life, for the better I think. Saying yes to Eloise having a heart transplant will always be the biggest decision I ever make in life. Now though I can talk things through with her and know I did the right thing which eases my conscience and lifts my soul. If we ever have to consider re-transplantation the decision will be entirely Eloise's and I'll support her all the way.

  

     So here we are facing a future of uncertainty for Eloise with medical dilemmas and health issues but a future that wouldn't be happening without organ donation. So I'm thankful that having a heart transplant was an option for Eloise. I'm thankful for the wonderful care she continues to receive from the NHS . I'm eternally thankful to her wonderful donor family without them......well without the gift of life I know for certain Eloise would have died a few days later. They've given me time, 15 precious extra years of it. I'm watching my toddler grow up into a strong woman. She's a very special person and I'm proud to be her mummy. Time is so precious, don't waste it by being negative and wishing time away. Live in the moment and enjoy all the little things. Eloise's transplant taught me that. None of us know when our time will be up anyway , it's in the future, so today just enjoy and keep breathing xxxx

                                   

                                     

    

   

Colour My World

How do you view me ? How do I view you ? 

                        

      

I'd like to think I'm a positive person, someone who can look on the bright side of things in almost all situations that life throws at me. Let's be honest she's thrown a lot at me over the years ! Bitch !!!!! I try to do my best as a human but stuff still goes wrong and things out of my control happen. It's just life. I think it's how you deal with whatever life throws at you is what matters , it's definitely what has ultimately changed me and helped me cope. If that's actually what I'm doing ?! 

                 There is always the temptation to see things in black and white and therefore assume the worst and to miss out on the positive things. It's easy to forget the good things as the mind fixates on the bad. This is what it would be like in my head if I let it, but I decided that I can't live like that. I can't live under a black rain cloud so I search for rainbows. If I'm really happy I sprinkle life with glitter and sparkle too ! Black doesn't really suit me and I'm too clumsy to wear white. I love colour and ultimately I like printed dresses and shirts. I love my bright clothes , whether they suit me is another matter. The fact I don't actually care is priceless. Reaching the age when you are comfortable being you is such a blessing. Who makes the clothing rules anyway ? 

                                      

      

                  I'm normal I do have anxieties and sometimes I feel they're drowning me but I have to surface from them and see what's around me. I think as I've coped so far with a few life changing events including the big one Eloise needing a heart transplant and the subsequent health challenges that brings , other things are more manageable even when going wrong. I know I'm lucky mentally to have not gone through any episodes of depression and even my sadness is manageable and short lived. I don't think my life gives me too much time to dwell or overthink. I like a busy schedule, I love plans and if all else fails I go to the gym. My days are never long in fact I could do with an extension.  Sadly though trying to grab that extra hour of time in the evening seems to lead to me having a very over active brain which in turn triggers my insomnia. I totally appreciate that financially I can afford my gym membership , cake habit and the plans that involve, meals out, theatre trips, cinema, NT and holidays. So I can add so much loveliness into my life, so much to enjoy around each corner. I'm now off work until Monday and I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with three out of four of my beautiful children. My mum is also coming to stay which is always wonderful, I'm sure we will shop and drink lots of tea. Plus I have a fabulous group of lovely , gorgeous, frock loving girlfriends to get dressed up with......this also usually involves shopping and eating ! 

     Sometimes I wonder how you view me ?  A happy, clappy smiling person, sickly sweet , oozing positivity but without a grasp of any reality ?

 Happy ✔️ what's the point in being miserable ?

 positive ✔️ the alternative isn't helpful and it's defeatist 

Sweet ✔️ because I eat so much sugar ! 

Realist ✔️ hell yes, life is short and precious and can be snatched away in a heart beat, I know because in my world it happens. 

Optimist ✔️ because without hope what is there ? 

I could spend every moment worrying about Eloise but I'd miss out on so much living and being a family. So as I've said before I reign my brain in and only look a short time ahead. Live for the moment and bank memories, posting far too many photographs along the way. No apologies ! I have to get things in perspective , I find by writing things down especially my worries it helps me analyse them. Sometimes we take life too seriously, actually I don't think I'm guilty of that . I'm often left wondering how I'm managing to parent four children when I don't feel like a grown up !  No answers needed......winging it is my speciality ! 

   I think I've had to accept there are things in life that I cannot change and I've had to let them go. Except moaning about the miserable weather.....I think that's a very British pastime though. I shall try and remember that no matter what, the sun is always shining above the clouds. Of course I moaned about it today......

Will try harder tomorrow

Will try harder tomorrow 

Will try harder tomorrow

Will try harder tomorrow       (Hush now tomorrow never comes )

      The way I cope with my difficulties, grief, mental exhaustion etc works for me. My in house care package for mental survival which includes the gym, candle light, music, cake, tea, bubble baths, solitude etc can recharge me. However I have to realise it's not my job to "fix" people. We are all different and maybe they don't want to be "fixed" Also I need to conserve energy for the little differences I can make to someone's day rather than trying to provide all the answers. If I can brighten part of a person's day I will as I can remember the early days after Eloise's  transplant I was isolated and sat alone in the dark as no one knew what to say to me. If all I can do is look someone in the eye and smile I will and also a hug goes a long way too. 

                                 

Staying Positive, Being Happy and Living.

   

       

To me being happy is a sign of success in life. I know I'm a positive and naturally optimistic person but I'm not sure I've always been. I think a few things that have happened to me and those that I love have ultimately changed my mindset. We all get caught up in the daily routine of life, we become worn out, overworked, bogged down and stressed. This can give us a negative outlook on life, but I find being a negative person sucks the joy out of living and this can also touch the lives of those around us. 

    As you know there have been some events in my life that could have broken me for ever. Take Eloise's transplant for example, I could have wasted the last 15 years being incredibly sorry, angry , upset, depressed etc. Off course these emotions filter past at intervals but I don't allow them to stay too long. I've chosen to react positively and I now enjoy every single day. What you see on social media is my life and it's bloody fantastic. Of course I still feel pain, I'm not numb and finding out yesterday that my transplant world had lost Andrew hit me hard. I cried and cried, a trip to the gym was no longer an option and it was replaced with a candle lit bath and time to reflect and compose. Tears continue to threaten this morning but I'll get up and put my lipstick on ready for this new day. Andrew would want us all to continue enjoying every extra day of life we are given. 

  I'll continue to try to see things and people in a positive light. It's not always an easy thing to do, it's hard turning negative emotions into positive ones sometimes. I think it's worth the effort to change your mindset though. 

One of the things I do is live in a "happy bubble" possibly called ignorance ! I've chosen to cut out as much negativity as I can so I can deal with my day to day life. I often take a break from listening to the news, if I'm finding it too much. I can't watch aggressive or violent programmes, even to the point I can't tolerate idiots arguing on The Apprentice. I have a low tolerance to noise so all the arguing on reality shows etc puts me on edge. I choose to turn off the TV, not read magazines, close down FaceBook during tedious arguments etc. As these things can effect my positive outlook. This is the same with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, sometimes I have to create a distance for a short time. As I find it hard when people are bringing each other down, I like to build them up. To be able to stay positive it is essential I have influences in my life that support me and lift me up instead of dragging me down. I think what you send out matters a lot. What you give others and how you treat them is what you'll get back (usually) so I like to spread positivity......sorry if it makes you nauseated ! 

Exercise has done a lot for my emotional health and happiness more so than my physical health but that's slow work in progress and I'm happier on the whole with my appearance. Body confidence is the key and that's a mindset I'm trying to get myself into. A good nights sleep also helps, in fact when I'm sad like last night I tend to go to sleep really early. I have to hide away as I've had enough for that day. When I have a lot of thoughts or I'm feeling pessimistic sleep or exercise have a big positive impact on how I feel. I always put my lipstick on in the morning ready to smile. Smiling is so important to me. A genuine smile reaches my eyes and it's a good thing. When I smile at someone I like to think I made them feel happier even if it's temporary., if they smile back that makes me happy. Just something so quick and simple to do.

   It's not always easy maintaining a positive outlook as life throws some horrendous things at you but I know remaining positive during tough times has been more constructive for me. My positive attitude has given me strength to keep going. I work hard and hope for better days when I'm going through a tough period in my life. Of course I don't force optimistic thinking on myself while I'm in emotional turmoil or shocked. I just give myself space and time to process my thoughts and feelings first.

I try to start my day in a positive way, lucky Instagram followers who eagerly await my #goodmorningpost  (joke) I think it just sets me up for the rest of my day. I always start the day with a few tunes picked for the day from Spotify, loving my time capsule of 90's music right now. As a result of having a potentially life limited child I live very much in the present moment it's easier that way. I can stay positive for a day at a time, looking too far ahead makes me scared and my worries increase. I find it easier to connect with the moment and give it my full attention, that's why the little things in life are so important to me.

  Just because I'm positive and often found in my happy bubble doesn't mean that I've lost touch with reality. I don't avoid dealing with the negative events in my life I just don't let them take over my mind or day to day living. I just choose to focus on the positive aspects in order to keep going. If I dwell too much on the past I will miss out on better days. As one of my transplant family said yesterday " Make Every Day Count" 

                             

      As Mary Poppins would say or sing "A Spoonful of Sugar helps the Medicine go down. In a most delightful way." 

To Andrew a true gent who helped me believe that I'm doing ok in life and gave me hope for Eloise's future. Fly high Sir. I will try to carry on being "practically perfect."

       

  

Taking a back seat - Organ Donation Week 2017

Organ Donation is not just a week in September

Today organ donation week starts in the UK , it moved from July to September a couple of years ago. I think that's when my enthusiasm for this week declined to where I am now not wanting to get involved. I feel guilty of course I do and I feel selfish mainly because I am. This will be the 15th or 16th National Transplant Week since Eloise's heart transplant and I don't feel ready to prepare any information to share online. 

  This week my Facebook is going to be saturated with the obligatory back to school photograph against a white door and I therefore feel that organ donation promotion will get lost in this ocean of a new school year beginning. Everyone is quite rightly busy with what is important to them. In this house I have Eloise starting 6th form and Leah going to uni, very important growing up milestones. I want to focus my attention on my family. I don't want to flood social media with endless posts, we are all different and what's important to me may not be relevant to you and that's ok. We just scroll on. When National Transplant Week now called Organ Donation Week was in July it fitted into the calendar better in my opinion as it was near the British Transplant Games. This sporting event is a massive celebration of post transplant achievements. I think organ donation awareness should start at school especially from year 7 onwards. With this week being in September schools will be too busy this week settling everyone in and getting them used to their new schedules. Obviously this year there maybe a media frenzy so organ donation gets the air time and newspaper coverage it deserves but the last two years have passed with little publicity in my opinion.

     Of course I may change my mind as the week goes by I don't know. I used to enjoy this week when it was in July and share so much on my Heart Transplant Community Page. Real life stories of lives changed by organ donation, photos of heart transplant survivors. I used to tweet them too, but my Twitter account is very neglected. Life gets in the way and I'm glad it does . This is normal, all I've craved for Eloise is a normal childhood . During this week she'll start her A'levels and at least one of her subjects will be at another secondary school. She'll also turn 17 !!!! I know an amazing age one I never thought she'd reach. I'm truly blessed. Before I wrote this blog post I emailed Rebecca, the mum of Zara's donor to explain to her how I was feeling. She was the person I chose to be honest with. I don't feel good about feeling this way but I wanted you to know my reasoning.

    Organ donation is always on my radar, it's a huge part of my life every single day. I think of Zara and Rebecca so very often and I'll never forget that but selfishly I don't want to be swamped continuously by transplant issues and transplant life. I don't want to miss the ordinary . I'm not wanting to ignore the difficult side of post transplant life I just don't want to dwell on it. I'm still here for my transplant family, I hope you know that but this year my efforts will be minimalist ! Maybe it's just someone else's turn ? The last couple of years have been a turning point for me mentally and I've dealt with quite a few demons. Dates that used to upset me greatly are dealt with without tears. I recognise these important dates and the impact they've had on Eloise's life but I appreciate the extra days she's been given. 

      I don't know what the answer is for organ donation in the UK, will the government adopt the Opt Out system ? I don't think so, not at the moment. Is it the answer to the shortage of organs , quite possibly if you look at figures from Wales. Even if we had this system in place it's only for over 18's parents still have to "gift" their child's organs.  It's nice to know Rebecca thought of organ donation and wanted Zara's life to have meaning.

    I hope you understand , if you don't please feel free to delete me. I'm like a spoilt toddler having a tantrum, no I'm like a kid that doesn't want to share ! That's just it I've shared and possibly over shared for 15 years , I'm having a chill. I do want those waiting for a transplant to be as lucky as we've been of course I do. I just need to find a happy medium for promoting organ donation and juggling family life so I don't get engulfed. 

   I'll leave you with my organ donation happy ending Eloise 

Eloise 17 on the 7th September 2017 , 15 extra healthy and happy years because a family said yes to organ donation. Starting 6th form college to study two ICT A'levels and Geography. 

                                      

A Taste of "Normal"

A taste of "Normal"

       

    

This week like many other 16 year olds across the country Eloise collected her GCSE results. Unlike many other mothers I wasn't worried or anxious and I slept well. I was excited that she'd achieved another milestone that had once seemed very unlikely. Of course I'm proud that she achieved eight GCSE passes but those pieces of paper do not show the World who my child is and they won't define or stunt her potential. She's doing this life business in her own way and her track record of coping, over coming and achieving is inspiring. 

       I have to be honest it took many, many, many years to come to terms with what happened to Eloise and how potentially fragile her life is . But the situation we found ourselves in wasn't going away it had to be in some way accepted. It had to become our version of normal. I prepared myself for the worse years ago, it's part of my crazy coping mechanism , it's how I deal with the future. When you're faced with something like your child needing a heart transplant it's ok to feel numb, it's ok to feel anger, disbelief, to be in denial and even feel a sense of injustice. Why my child ? This isn't fair, no it fucking isn't and it never will be but you can't lie around waiting for life to go back to how it was. It won't, it'll never be the same. I've had to recognise that life will never be the same but it doesn't need to be awful. I can't change what happened to Eloise , I've had to accept that to free myself to deal with the post transplant and general life challenges. 

    Sometimes life has to change and now I try to embrace those changes. It means an easier life for me . Going with the flow and creating a new normal. I'm a changed person anyway like I've said before. I don't feel I've lost my identity just reconnected with my old one from when I was young and had less fears.

            I often feel fleetingly sad about the past, sometimes haunted and I am scared for the future. I also said just today to a friend " I'm tired of being fucking strong." I think it's ok for me to sometimes feel sorry for myself but then I look at my children and I bounce back. I'm sure I annoy many people with my happy quotes and my generally upbeat persona. Yep all, sparkles and shine, you know unicorns and all that ! But I find being grateful snaps me out of fear and self pity. You can find good in nearly every situation, even if it's tiny. Eloise having a transplant has also brought some amazing people into my life, some of the best friends . I'd never have met these guys otherwise.  They will be there to celebrate the good times and drag me through the tough times. The most awful days of my life have taught me how to live the rest of my days. Life and each day is a gift. I've adapted, evolved and grown mentally . I never thought it would happen and I'd say it's taken 13 years but I do feel different now.

    Keeping Eloise well is essential but making sure we are all happy is also a priority.  It's that trendy word time "mindfulness" I do think it's the key along with positivity, optimism and hope. Please don't feel you have to go through such a traumatic and life threatening situation to remind yourself to live a happier life. I'm here to remind you ! I want you all to truly live and understand what's important. This is turning into a lecture, so I apologise but it's merely a collection of thoughts cascading from my head ! 

                           

Optimistically Cautious or Cautiously Optimistic ?

Optimistically Cautious or Cautiously Optimistic ? 

                   

Optimistic and cautious can you even use those two words together ? Life is going well at the minute but I always feels this needs to be whispered in case Eloise's health or something else puts a spanner in the works and it takes a huge nose dive towards difficult. I find it hard to stay in the moment but I know life is now and it needs to be lived and enjoyed. In general I'm an optimistic person I guess if things get difficult I've got all my proven techniques to get me back on track mentally. I don't think it hurts to approach certain aspects of life with caution, dipping your toe in rather than diving straight in. I like a controlled life, it's easier for me. Should I take more risks ? Maybe but I've got four children in my care. 

A few Facebook insights into the lives of others puts me back on track of living each day as it comes. Life truly is fragile and everything can change so suddenly and without warning. Instagram is a happier and more hopeful social media platform but is it sugar coated and not what it appears ? I don't know, I have a sweet tooth so it pleases me seeing fluffiness, sunshine and the odd animal snap too ! I like being happy , smiling and laughing and I like everyone in my life to be happy too. I hope I can bring a smile to you when you need one my friends. 

     This holiday has been wonderful, I've relaxed, I've swam, I've eaten too much and I've read 11 books. I've not completed my daily Fitbit steps, this pained me initially but what the heck it's two weeks, I've another 50 weeks to walk in ! I've spent quality time with my children when they've not been lured away by the wifi and Nickelodeon ! It's their holiday too so I don't mind, too much sun and fair skin doesn't mix that well. The suitcases are now packed and tonight we will say goodbye to this wonderful country. If you've not tried Turkey as a holiday destination I recommend it. Such wonderful warm hearted people, I'll miss our friends. Especially in the knowledge that it'll be a few years before we come back as I have already plans for our next adventures. 

                      

     Adventures that's what life needs. I like plans and I like having things to look forward to. I'm looking forward to going to work on Thursday......a break from the laundry ! No seriously I can't wait to see my ladies and catch up with them. Hoping to have a cake dates on Thursday evening and Friday,  maybe cider too. This Summer holiday has had to have military planning. I think every colour has been used on my calendar. The children are coming and going all over the place and add in work, I've had to be super organised. Which if you know me well you know I love it. Trips to festivals for Leah, Eloise a week in Scotland, Henry a week with his dad, Leah, Amelia and Henry a week in Spain, Eloise a madness concert.....the list goes on right into September. September will bring another huge change as Leah's off to University at Manchester Met. It'll be strange not having her around, just got to work out how the hell I'm going to get her and all her belongings up there. Any volunteers ????? I'm looking forward to bring reunited with gym, he's got a lot of restoration work to do......sorry I needed dessert ! I'm looking forward to going as an escape and some headspace, I need daytime TV , I need Homes Under the Hammer and a few tunes on Spotify. I think my Cath Kidston mug collection is calling me, looking forward to a pot of earl grey. Small pleasures that's what life needs. 

   I do want to bring the Sun home with me, initially to dry the washing mountain but I do love sitting in my deckchair drinking cider and reading. Hoping the weather is kind enough to allow me a NT adventure at the weekend, I want a weekend of Englishness ! Cream tea and manor houses plus a floral frock. 

    So another ending but I'm happy as there are many more good times over the horizon. Family time and quality time with my wonderful friends. Get your social schedules ready as we have plans to make my friends. So looking forward to seeing you all and a couple of new Lindybop frocks need to be taken out ! I know I'm bloody lucky with the life I have now but it's the struggles and heart ache I've gone through and the shadow of Eloise's health that has made me live each day with as much positivity and a sprinkle of sparkle. I'll never let anyone dull my sparkle again. Love to you all. X 

                            

                V v v.        

    

Happiness is the Key.

Happiness — in search of happiness, as happiness is a choice right ? It can be hard to achieve and maintain the happy bubble. Happiness is elusive, so that's why I've had learn to understand myself and my needs. I guess many of us spend most of our adult lives chasing happiness like it’s some sort of distant destination that we will arrive at one day. Not seeing and appreciating what we already have, it's all about the little things people ! Yep I'm one of the enlightened.

         Life can be so all consuming, complicated and grown up. Even at the grand age of 47 I'm not ready for grown up, you can't make me !  I've had to take a step back and look at my life from another angle. Then I saw honestly how things were and I made some changes.  You can’t let fear and negativity hold you back and keep you trapped in a life you’re not happy with. Therefore I was forced to think again about what my real goal in life is and how I could make a firm foundation for it. Basically if stripped right back I just want an easy life filled with happiness and health surrounded by awesome human beings of my choosing. 

      

We live in this busy, tough world that teaches us that to be happy we must first achieve the status of “enough;” rich enough, clever enough, funny enough, fit enough, popular enough, worthy enough but “enough” is generally a far-fetched and unobtainable. Happiness is easier to achieve and better than "enough." Of course being happy can still need a little work.

     I'm often afraid to openly say I'm happy incase I jinx my life and my run of good luck. Eloise's stable health but I should share my happiness with those who are interested. I shouldn't be afraid, we are all vulnerable but we must speak up and share. No one escapes fear, no one is without self doubt, no one is without insecurities , you aren't alone. It's just how we choose to deal with these things and other such delights ! You cannot let your past and the bad things that have ever happened to you, weigh you down. Everyone has had some bad times , some worse than others, but you’ve got to walk through life like you haven’t got any. On the whole life is good to me, I am financially pretty secure, I own my own home, I have great kids, amazing hand picked friends, my health, the right job for me but I still have to work on my happiness . I believe we all do. I think we rely on others to make us happy, I know that's a mistake I used to make. Now I'm one of the enlightened I know I'm choosing happy and I'm the only one who can make it work .

     It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now, it's where I'm supposed to be. I don't regret the "lost years." I'm just more honest now with myself and by writing things down those around me get a better insight too. My life is more real now, more authentic. I believe anything is possible if you set your mind to it, it just takes time........sadly this means I won't be a slim thing on holiday again this year as some things take a hell of a lot of time !!!!  

       So here goes the summary, I'm basically trying to say that life and your happiness is exactly as you make it and it's absolutely ok to walk away from the things and people who are dragging you down and not letting you reach your full potential in life. You are the only person who can control how happy you feel and who can carve yourself a sparklier HOW IS THIS EVEN MY LIFE ! Go chase those dreams people. Go, go on what's stopping you people? Go get the World , it's yours.......well it's mine actually ! 

I'll leave you with the quote that got my writing cogs moving this evening.