“I can’t believe it’s been a year” they say. ( I can I’ve lived it 💙)

 The most common phrase at the moment, “I can’t believe it’s been a year.” Well I can as it’s been one of the strangest and unsettling times of my existence. That was before covid-19 joined us, showing me once again the power of a virus to destroy life and change how I live. Again a time of uncertainty, change and adapting but this time I’m not alone. I think knowing what to say to someone when a loved one has died or even at this one year stage is hard. Personally for me the person that ignores you is the hardest to deal with, someone who gives it an awkward go is much better received. It’s a difficult thing to get right and I’m difficult ! I don’t really like “I’m sorry for your loss” but I appreciate the sentiment. I didn’t carelessly lose Warren he died, maybe I’m too literal in my thinking. I also don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, gosh I’m ungrateful aren’t I . I just think I’m honest actually. If you don’t say how things make you feel nothing will change. I think I’ll be mindful of what I say to a grieving person in the future, although I’ll probably struggle to say something meaningful. 

        Back to the pending one year anniversary of Warren’s death. I’m lucky as I have been left with a wonderful amount of good memories of my relationship with Warren. Thanks to Facebook the photographs have threaded themselves through the year. However seeing all we had has also made the loss feel greater as there is no future us. I wanted this year to be full of new memories as I know Warren would want me to enjoy life and make plans. I made loads of wonderful plans but sadly they never happened. My year of doing 50 things for my 50th stopped at 25, recently I adapted the list but to be honest the moment has now passed. The new plans I’ve made since the easing of lockdown have been simpler but just as precious, everything is special as we are still here. 

         I’m ok, but sometimes I even question that as shouldn’t I be........x,y,z. However this is my grief and alongside it I have to live a meaningful life, existing isn’t for me. I’ve always had the get up, dress up and show up mentality with added lipstick. It’s never failed me. I don’t cry very often, usually because someone has been so kind regarding one of my posts about Warren also sometimes my words catch in my throat and tears threaten. I think the first few days I was awash with tears and the subsequent pre Christmas weeks and Warren’s birthday were also quite water logged at times. The firsts are the hardest thing, I was warned they would be, first Christmas, Warren’s birthday, first New Year, first NT visit and the list goes on and there’s still the first Summer holiday to think about as this years hasn’t happened. So the first anniversary of Warren’s death is another date, this will be tough I’m well aware it will be. I can already start the conversations that are stored in my brain from that day. I can have vivid flash backs, the phone calls, the time line, the “bad news” room, the doctor telling me the news, the nurse who was just so bloody awful at giving the bereavement advise. However I’ll also remember those who were there for me that day, my work ladies especially Rose and Shelley. Warren’s friend and colleague Paul and through him superintendent Andy who came to my house at 9pm and sat with me and said he’d help me organise a memorial service for Warren. In every situation you are reminded to look for those who help you. 

       I have some wonderful people in my life and despite how it appears I’m not always very peopley so feel honoured if I’ve “let you in.” Thank you for letting me talk about Warren, I know talking about death can make people feel awkward but I feel it’s because we don’t talk about it enough. My FB albums documenting my year since Warren’s death have helped me, a safe outlet for sharing, a document of my feelings and somewhere to share happy memories. I know others have found them useful too. Warren will continue to weave his way through my life, so I’ll carry him forward . He was a good, kind man and I know many remember him because of his generosity of spirit. He had so much to give, kindness goes a long way. 

                So on the anniversary of Warren’s death please don’t think of me or feel sad or sorry for me. Instead have a glass or two of your favourite alcoholic beverage and raise your glass to Warren and toast his life, the 47 years he lived not the one year anniversary of his death. He usually had a glass of something in his hand, along with his vape !