A Piece of Me

A piece of me

                                           

      

“It feels like everyone wants a piece of me.”

Just the above really, life seems to be hectic at the minute and the school holidays a distant memory. The past three weeks have been a whirlwind physically and more so mentally. Thank goodness I relaxed for nearly six weeks and took good care of my mental well being. At times over the past three weeks I've felt overwhelmed, rushed and at times even buried under the weight of so many competing demands. This middle aged lark with aging parents and young children can be a challenge . I feel torn and scattered running my home, working ( very part time I know ) and caring for many loved ones. I feel shattered into many pieces and incomplete.

    Yet at the same time it's good to feel needed and wanted, it's good to know you can make a difference. There are times in my life that I have felt very alone and very isolated. Partly because I didn't reach out to people and partly because I hadn't found the right people to engage with. I never want other people to feel like that. I hope by sharing Eloise's transplant story and our fourteen years of experiencing the good, bad and ugly we can reach out to people in a similar situation. 

    I just wish life could be more balanced, at the moment I'm in the "it never rains but it pours" stage ! Just one thing after another and I feel like an emotional wreck, then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I've cried with sheer frustration, I've cried as I'm tired of all this, I've cried because I'm sad, I've cried because I'm angry. Yes it's been a soggy month so far, sorry pillow and thank you waterproof mascara. Thank you work colleagues for dealing with my tears, just don't ask if I'm alright next time. I am ok really just a break from dealing with anything else would be good, time to catch my breath then I'll be right back with you. 

       

   

      Most of the people who need a piece of me, would be at my side propping me up if I needed them. I no longer allow the takers to take, having been previously drained by some people I no longer allow this to happen. The relationships and friendships I have now are equal. We scream on the roller coaster of life together. Also I give pieces of myself to people I've never met, people in the transplant community again this is my choice and I'm very happy to provide that support. 

   So I'm hoping for a few days of the quiet life and spending quality time with family and friends this weekend. Starting to rebuild myself ready for life's next attack as it will happen.  So please life let me have a weekend of loveliness, let me sleep, let me clear some of the fog dampening my restless mind, just let me be........thank you. 

Behind the Smile

Behind the Smile.

         

I like to smile, I have the crows feet to prove it and I'm very thankful for good teeth that allow me to smile broadly ! Thinking now of the dental horrors regularly seen on Jeremy Kyle ! Here I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few thank you's. Thank you  orthodontic services at Musgrove Park Hospital for my removable brace, thank you Colgate toothpaste, thank you to lipstick manufacturers for colouring my smile and thank you mum for good teeth ! 

       Seriously I'm a generally happy soul but sometimes I'm smiling to hide the pain from you. It's easier you see than explaining, it's easier not owning up to how I feel as saying it out loud makes everything seem worse. It makes it more real. I've had a blissful six weeks at home with my children.  Everyone has been well and we've had the opportunity to spend quality time together at home, on day trips and on holiday. It's been all very normal. It's been perfect, nothing has reminded me of the darker times. Oh and that thing called sunshine brightened up most of my days. I have been able to relax fully and read a library of books whilst sampling many icecream delights. Oh and the odd alcoholic beverage !

                                    

       

    

                 Then Eloise had to have her blood tests taken on Thursday, this also meant a couple of frustrating phone calls to make the appointment.  So now we're waiting for the results which involves harassing the transplant team by email and phone. Then her next hospital appointment will need to be arranged for next month, again this will need to be chased up by me. We've sorted out a cupboard of medication, put in prescriptions and collected a previous order. I know none of this is a big deal but it's a reminder that Eloise has had a heart transplant. Then this morning I had an awful dream , I'd been told Eloise had chronic rejection and her treatment options. I wrote out a whole post updating you all. When I woke up it took me a while to know I'd been dreaming or having a nightmare. Sadly some of my transplant family are living this nightmare right now. One day it could be our reality too, nothing in the transplant world can be taken for granted, not even one day. I look at Eloise enjoying life, hanging out with her friends, doing her school work, loving her tortoises, laughing with her siblings and I want to see her grow up. I love the young woman she's growing into. She's 16 on Wednesday, to have her with me aged 16 is wonderful, once it seemed impossible but I know her now and I'm greedy for more. Yes I'm grateful for every extra day I've had but I'm also sad that her life maybe limited. Then there's the guilt for even thinking she maybe taken from me at a young age, like I've written her off, like I've given up on hope, I haven't.

            It's Organ Donation Week this coming week, it's starting tomorrow and I usually immerse myself in it but I haven't this year. Im not ready for it. I'm wondering if it because I've just spent 6 weeks mainly out of the transplant loop. Not ignoring my transplant family but not submerging myself in it either. I have looked after myself and my own . I took a step back and a few deep breaths. Now it's arrived and if it's anything like last year's event media coverage will be poor, but I can't complain as I've done nothing to promote the organ donor register. Well I did try and beg for a free gym membership for Eloise but Duncan Bannatynes not replied yet........think of the publicity for your health clubs Duncan ! 

        My smile is genuine as I have many, many, many reasons to be happy and lots of fabulous friends who light up my life by just being them. Maybe we all need to live our life like we are dying, because we are. I try to do something that makes me smile every single day, all the little things soon add up. The tears I experience aren't too often even though they threaten to creep from my eyes, I halt them. I'm not depressed, I don't think I have ever been and I know I'm lucky on that score. I think I have every right to express sadness and that actually shows I'm capable of feeling. I'm just a human, trying to do her best for many people while remembering to look after herself.  I'm just ME and I'm not so bad..........