A Piece of Me

A piece of me

                                           

      

“It feels like everyone wants a piece of me.”

Just the above really, life seems to be hectic at the minute and the school holidays a distant memory. The past three weeks have been a whirlwind physically and more so mentally. Thank goodness I relaxed for nearly six weeks and took good care of my mental well being. At times over the past three weeks I've felt overwhelmed, rushed and at times even buried under the weight of so many competing demands. This middle aged lark with aging parents and young children can be a challenge . I feel torn and scattered running my home, working ( very part time I know ) and caring for many loved ones. I feel shattered into many pieces and incomplete.

    Yet at the same time it's good to feel needed and wanted, it's good to know you can make a difference. There are times in my life that I have felt very alone and very isolated. Partly because I didn't reach out to people and partly because I hadn't found the right people to engage with. I never want other people to feel like that. I hope by sharing Eloise's transplant story and our fourteen years of experiencing the good, bad and ugly we can reach out to people in a similar situation. 

    I just wish life could be more balanced, at the moment I'm in the "it never rains but it pours" stage ! Just one thing after another and I feel like an emotional wreck, then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I've cried with sheer frustration, I've cried as I'm tired of all this, I've cried because I'm sad, I've cried because I'm angry. Yes it's been a soggy month so far, sorry pillow and thank you waterproof mascara. Thank you work colleagues for dealing with my tears, just don't ask if I'm alright next time. I am ok really just a break from dealing with anything else would be good, time to catch my breath then I'll be right back with you. 

       

   

      Most of the people who need a piece of me, would be at my side propping me up if I needed them. I no longer allow the takers to take, having been previously drained by some people I no longer allow this to happen. The relationships and friendships I have now are equal. We scream on the roller coaster of life together. Also I give pieces of myself to people I've never met, people in the transplant community again this is my choice and I'm very happy to provide that support. 

   So I'm hoping for a few days of the quiet life and spending quality time with family and friends this weekend. Starting to rebuild myself ready for life's next attack as it will happen.  So please life let me have a weekend of loveliness, let me sleep, let me clear some of the fog dampening my restless mind, just let me be........thank you. 

The Struggle is Real

The struggle is real - 💙

                         

   

Wow it's been nearly a month since I last found solace in my blog. Poor neglected page, I take from that the fact life has been busy, beautifully so not the boring grown up drudge busy but fun we're on holiday busyness. We are lucky enough as a family to be able to afford a holiday away in the sunshine together. Time to just be a family with nothing getting in the way. In fact three of my children are still basking in the glorious weather in Spain. God I'm missing them so much, can't wait to hug them all. Totally appreciating that on Sunday I'll have them all in my arms again. I'm so lucky to have the four of them I know that. Sadly I have lots of friends who have lost a baby or a child, they'd do anything to receive another hug. 

    

    I'm generally a happy person and I often have a smile on my face. Sometimes I'm just facing the world with a smile and I'm crying inside. I know I'm not the only one who does this. Maybe it's just easier not to have to explain how you're feeling. Those who truly know you will see through this facade though. They can tell you aren't "your normal self !"  When I friend makes this discovery with the fateful words "are you alright?" Then I'll cry, the mask of happiness crashes to the ground and the tears cannot be hidden. Actually it takes courage to face the world and go about your day to day life while you're breaking inside. However I use that strength to its best advantage , knowing that each day is a new day and that my track record says I'm a survivor. I'm a different person now, there's no going back in life. No rewind button, no second chance or opportunities to change what you've been through. 

                                              

  Some days this holiday I've done nothing, if the Sun's been shining I've taken myself outside with a drink, book, deckchair and a few tunes on Spotify and just relaxed. I've had to stop feeling guilty and realise looking after myself isn't a waste of time. I've just had to allow myself this time to simply be. I guess it's been like my bath zone therapy with added vitamin D ! Other things like chores can wait but your mind can't. If it's struggling you have to listen to it and take the time out you need. Some days all I'm doing is coping but that's ok too, it's enough. I am enough, I am ok. I waited five years to be divorced then it arrived and it's shaken me a little. I'm sure I'll find my footing again and get everything organised financially . Things like this also put my mind into turmoil . It's been tough enough for me to welcome my enemy insomnia back into my life. I've still some way to go but I'm proud of how far I've already come. I guess these annoying life struggles have changed me, I think I'm stronger, still need to work on the roar . As to whether I'm a better person, I don't think I can judge that ! I just know I have to do this my way, so I can't blame anyone, or rely on anyone, I have to be independent for god's sake I am nearly 47 !

  Life is tough at times, but can be made easier by having the right people by your side, looking out for you and steadying you when you stumble or helping you up if you fall. I don't feel we have the right to judge people or be negative about them. Are you perfect, go on be honest ? Even I'm only practically perfect.....in every way though. We all have our faults and flaws , things we aren't proud of. We are all learning throughout our lives and you live life through experiences. I've learnt who I want to share my world with, a small inner group of friends. I know they want to be there and in what capacity. They believe in me when I see nothing positive, they love me when I feel unloveable, they spur me on when I want to give up. I hope I pay this all back to them, we should all pay forward, the world would be a better place. Most of the time I'm not a misery, and I hope my friends get to feel my positive energy.

I don't want you thinking I'm not happy, I am. You know how it is with me. I'm living the almost dream with a small black cloud.  Most of my blog posts are the same really, woe is me. I am ok but I also know it's ok not to be ok. I don't have to be all singing all dancing every day , just 99% of the time ! I just see these struggles I'm having at the moment as steps towards a better me, a better life for my family. I know they'll end too. My family is strong and we've overcome many obstacles together so what's a little struggle going to do to us?  All we want is to be happy, well healthy as well ! 

       

    So there you are another random blog post ! For now I'll just accept the few struggles I'm in the middle of. The word acceptance means that you perceive reality accurately and consciously acknowledge it.  So I'll try and do that, sometimes it's hard to accept tough things but struggling with them is even tougher. I need to accept I'm only human and therefore I don't have any super powers. I think by accepting my struggles I won't be swallowed up by them, I'll confidently overcome them. I guess you don't realise how wonderful life is until you face challenges and struggles, in our case Eloise's heart transplant ,extended family health issues and my divorce . Life not always easy but in my opinion always worth it. Appreciate it people.

             So I'm off to bed in a minute to wrestle some demons and try to grab some of that valuable commodity sleep ! 

A visit from Auntie PAT

Auntie PAT has come for a visit. I am sure quite a few of you know her and she comes to stay with you as well. 

PAT equates to Pre Appointment Tension . Well  it's here , I am experiencing it right now. 

  

So far my sleep isn't too disturbed , for which I am grateful. I think insomnia is the most torturous kind of anxiety . It drives you to tears when you just lie there with your tangled  thoughts . You feel so alone in the dark. When you sleep you can forget your worries and recharge your batteries for the battle ahead. I am sure insomnia will rear it's ugly head next week but for now I am grateful.

      Palpitations are pretty horrendous, they started last week, heart is really jumpy . I hate that in the throat  feeling. It is so hard to regulate and ignore. I try to calm myself but it's not easy.

   

My other symptom is feeling sick, that stomach churning dread in the pit of your stomach. It also grips and gives you cramps. I have to deep breathe to overcome the anxiety. But I am trying to control it.

I think because I have had such uncertainty with Eloise over the last few months I have had to find some coping strategies and put them into place. I am more aware of my own needs and mental health.  I have enjoyed writing updates in Eloise's FaceBook group and have found off loading to be beneficial. Hence why I started this blog, my therapy an insight into how things are in my World. I have also retreated to a Sanctuary otherwise known as the family bathroom. An hour long soaking session by candlelight with relaxing music, time to zone out ! It works, I know when I need to be alone, when I am getting twitchy ! 

    Social media has played a big part too. I have found some great friends on Facebook over the years but I have found a lovely new support network on Twitter which is working well for me. Great to connect with new people, even upgrade them from social media friends to reality friends. I have also found that even though I run a Heart Transplant support group it is not for me. I don't want to post updates about Eloise in the group although I do in her own Facebook group.

 

   There is no right or wrong way of dealing with anxiety , you just have to find what is right for you, it's all about self preservation , for some they need to be surrounded by others for me I think I need to retreate and switch off a little, so lock down and protect myself.

One more week to go then it's off to GOSH for Eloise's rescheduled early Annual Review, ECG, Echo, bloods, chest X-Ray, exercise tolerance test, MRI scan and a coronary angiogram. 

A picture tweeted to me this week sums things up well X