Gone Too Soon.

Death, I'm not ready for it. I fear it as much as the next person. My own mortality frightens me less than losing those I love especially my children. It's just a natural order that parents pass away before their children. I try not to think about death, as it's too final, the last goodbye. Sadly it cannot always be avoided and tomorrow I'll be attending the memorial service of a dear friend who passed away too soon but after many years of ill health.

         

      

               Living your life one day at a time is all well and good as long as you feel you are achieving all you want in life. "No regrets" is a common phrase,  I often throw that one out there but in truth I am lying I do have regrets. I regret wasting time on the wrong people and not spending enough time with those who deserved my attention. I let the demanding people drain me of my energy and I left the unassuming folk little of my time, if any. I'm angry with myself, life is busy and chaotic but I could and should have found time for those who loved me unconditionally.  When I was with S I saw very little of my friends , I let them down and I made myself isolated, for for an easy life. Luckily most of them stuck around ! 

Losing someone you loved is so hard and it sends ripples through the rest of your life as out of the blue something will happen to remind you of them. It's sometimes shocking how even twenty or so years later the pain of their loss can be sharp enough to take your breath away. We need the human bond to feel connected and joyful, and we enjoy life much more when we share it with people we love but when they die a void is left and it's very hard to fill. No forget that it's impossible, I'm forever flawed.

Coping with loss is one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do. I don't cope, I just box it away and on significant anniversaries it spews out and I cannot ebb the flow. I already feel bereaved because I "lost" my fit and healthy Eloise. The thought of losing her totally is incomprehensible.  Everyone copes with bereavement differently , and some of us never do. I do believe you can die of a broken heart. 

When I lose someone I love, it changes my universe and my inner peace is shattered and the equilibrium of my life becomes unbalanced and therefore nothing seems right. There is a future that will never exist and a past that I want to go back to only to see my loved one again. I feel like I can’t be further from the present moment and reality. I find this disturbing as I like to live in the moment but the moment is without the person I've lost in it. They only exist in the past and some of my past is painful to revisit. So I'm forced back into a time when life was difficult and uncertain. I am also left thinking of the lost opportunities , we should have seen more of each other and made more memories.

     When I need to be alone to think about my friends I often seek out water, it's reflective , I like the noise it makes especially the sea, it's ever changing which is just like my emotions. Sometimes like this evening the best I can do is lock myself in the bathroom and spend hours in the bath, trying to relax. Swimming also helps me a lot and helps me feel peaceful. So like I said at the beginning of this blog post Tomorrow it's time to say goodbye to a wonderful lady who played such an important part in the beginning of Eloise's life as she was at her birth. As you can imagine giving birth to a baby born two months prematurely was a very scary time for me. But I was lucky to have the best person at my side , looking out for me, supporting me and comforting me.  I'm feeling very emotional as I try to deal with a tirade of feelings. I'm sad for the loss of my friend and Eloise's godmother.  I'm also dealing with the memories of other important people who I've said goodbye to .I'm struggling to dealing with my fear of losing my child, as I'll never be ready for that. I know I'm going to cry, I'm already at the taking deep breathes stage. I avoid as many funerals as I can because I become awash with emotion and so many feelings mingle together. I'm scared of funerals and the final goodbye.

   I know life is forever changing but the loss of someone important is very severe and adapting to them no longer being there is extremely hard. I know they'll remain in my heart and in my memories but that's not always enough. I have no religion , no faith but when it comes to death I try to protect myself . I have to believe there is something more than this. I have to think I'm going to see them again one day, otherwise it's even harder to deal with. I didn't want life to change in this way, I shouldn't have experienced losing friends already, they've been taken too soon. Losing a couple of people who I was extremely close to changed me. It was the only way to cope after such a traumatic loss, I couldn't go back to my old self, this was and is my coping mechanism. I remember when I lost J to suicide begging for him to come back but nothing could bring him back to me. His death couldn't be undone and I was left reeling from it. It took me a long time to even mention him and I'm not sure I have found peace. All I'm left with is stories of the good times we shared and that has to be enough. 

      

I think I've run out of energy to say anymore, I feel I should be full of wise words and life lessons. Just live people, just live and enjoy each day to your best ability. May as well leave you with Mark Twain's wise words ! Take care and lots of love my friends. XxxX

                     

The Struggle is Real

The struggle is real - 💙

                         

   

Wow it's been nearly a month since I last found solace in my blog. Poor neglected page, I take from that the fact life has been busy, beautifully so not the boring grown up drudge busy but fun we're on holiday busyness. We are lucky enough as a family to be able to afford a holiday away in the sunshine together. Time to just be a family with nothing getting in the way. In fact three of my children are still basking in the glorious weather in Spain. God I'm missing them so much, can't wait to hug them all. Totally appreciating that on Sunday I'll have them all in my arms again. I'm so lucky to have the four of them I know that. Sadly I have lots of friends who have lost a baby or a child, they'd do anything to receive another hug. 

    

    I'm generally a happy person and I often have a smile on my face. Sometimes I'm just facing the world with a smile and I'm crying inside. I know I'm not the only one who does this. Maybe it's just easier not to have to explain how you're feeling. Those who truly know you will see through this facade though. They can tell you aren't "your normal self !"  When I friend makes this discovery with the fateful words "are you alright?" Then I'll cry, the mask of happiness crashes to the ground and the tears cannot be hidden. Actually it takes courage to face the world and go about your day to day life while you're breaking inside. However I use that strength to its best advantage , knowing that each day is a new day and that my track record says I'm a survivor. I'm a different person now, there's no going back in life. No rewind button, no second chance or opportunities to change what you've been through. 

                                              

  Some days this holiday I've done nothing, if the Sun's been shining I've taken myself outside with a drink, book, deckchair and a few tunes on Spotify and just relaxed. I've had to stop feeling guilty and realise looking after myself isn't a waste of time. I've just had to allow myself this time to simply be. I guess it's been like my bath zone therapy with added vitamin D ! Other things like chores can wait but your mind can't. If it's struggling you have to listen to it and take the time out you need. Some days all I'm doing is coping but that's ok too, it's enough. I am enough, I am ok. I waited five years to be divorced then it arrived and it's shaken me a little. I'm sure I'll find my footing again and get everything organised financially . Things like this also put my mind into turmoil . It's been tough enough for me to welcome my enemy insomnia back into my life. I've still some way to go but I'm proud of how far I've already come. I guess these annoying life struggles have changed me, I think I'm stronger, still need to work on the roar . As to whether I'm a better person, I don't think I can judge that ! I just know I have to do this my way, so I can't blame anyone, or rely on anyone, I have to be independent for god's sake I am nearly 47 !

  Life is tough at times, but can be made easier by having the right people by your side, looking out for you and steadying you when you stumble or helping you up if you fall. I don't feel we have the right to judge people or be negative about them. Are you perfect, go on be honest ? Even I'm only practically perfect.....in every way though. We all have our faults and flaws , things we aren't proud of. We are all learning throughout our lives and you live life through experiences. I've learnt who I want to share my world with, a small inner group of friends. I know they want to be there and in what capacity. They believe in me when I see nothing positive, they love me when I feel unloveable, they spur me on when I want to give up. I hope I pay this all back to them, we should all pay forward, the world would be a better place. Most of the time I'm not a misery, and I hope my friends get to feel my positive energy.

I don't want you thinking I'm not happy, I am. You know how it is with me. I'm living the almost dream with a small black cloud.  Most of my blog posts are the same really, woe is me. I am ok but I also know it's ok not to be ok. I don't have to be all singing all dancing every day , just 99% of the time ! I just see these struggles I'm having at the moment as steps towards a better me, a better life for my family. I know they'll end too. My family is strong and we've overcome many obstacles together so what's a little struggle going to do to us?  All we want is to be happy, well healthy as well ! 

       

    So there you are another random blog post ! For now I'll just accept the few struggles I'm in the middle of. The word acceptance means that you perceive reality accurately and consciously acknowledge it.  So I'll try and do that, sometimes it's hard to accept tough things but struggling with them is even tougher. I need to accept I'm only human and therefore I don't have any super powers. I think by accepting my struggles I won't be swallowed up by them, I'll confidently overcome them. I guess you don't realise how wonderful life is until you face challenges and struggles, in our case Eloise's heart transplant ,extended family health issues and my divorce . Life not always easy but in my opinion always worth it. Appreciate it people.

             So I'm off to bed in a minute to wrestle some demons and try to grab some of that valuable commodity sleep !