My childhood dream was to have four children but I saw this as just being a dream. I had my two gorgeous little girls and had no immediate thought of extending my family. Also S would have said no, he'd not wanted children originally but changed his mind fairly early on in our relationship. I do know I wouldn't ever have signed up to a life without children. Most people have aspirational dreams when they are growing up as to what they want to be in life, I wanted to be a mummy !
So there we are living the dream two perfect girls, good jobs, great lifestyle and we'd just moved into our dream family home, a four bedroomed detached Victorian House in a lovely road. Fast forward just 4 weeks and Eloise was fighting to stay alive. You know how that story went, I kept my little girl thanks to her wonderful donor family . But life post transplant comes at a price, that price being the tag life limited . I just couldn't get the survival statistics out of my head when we returned home with Eloise on the 16th July 2002. 10-15% of people do not survive the first year. I'm not sure where my positivity was at this point but I didn't think I'd have her in my life for long. I went into overdrive, got rid of all the hand me down clothes from Leah incase Eloise wasn't alive to grow into them, packed away toys etc. I hated the thought of her bedroom being empty like a shrine if she was no longer with me. The house was going to be too big. I also didn't want Leah to be left alone, an only child. She needed a sibling.
I'm not sure how my traumatised body and soul managed to get pregnant but I did almost immediately . The early weeks were fraught with worry. I felt so ill, wondered what the hell I'd done.I had to travel backwards and forwards to Great Ormond street with Eloise weekly then fortnightly originally. Carrying her a pushchair and our luggage on and off trains and into taxis . This carried on for my whole pregnancy , S never went. I remember bleeding in those early weeks and bargaining with "god" that he could take this baby from me if I could just have Eloise whole and well again. I cried every night, I wanted this baby but I wanted Eloise more. I knew Eloise she was real this baby was just a seed growing inside me at this stage. Well as we know the preganancy progressed, I soon felt well and had no complications.
During my pregnancy I went to occupational health as I was signed off for 6 months with stress. I never thought I'd be able to go back to work as a nurse. With the support of lovely friends and colleagues I did return to a new ward at 16 weeks pregnant , I cried often originally it was extremely tough, but it was only for a few months before I went on Maternity leave.
With Leah and Eloise I didn't ask what sex they were, deciding I'd rather have a surprise. With preganancy number 3 I really wanted to know, needed to know. I wanted the baby to be a boy not a little girl to replace Eloise. So when I had my 20 week scan I asked. The baby of course was camera shy , legs firmly crossed.so gender remained a mystery, perhaps Millie planned that too ! Because as soon as your baby arrives you love them and thoughts of wanting a child of the opposite gender just depletes.
Then at 33 weeks Millie decided she'd like to be born inpatient like Eloise who was born at 32 weeks. I had steroids to mature her lungs and medication to stop my labour. This resulted in a weeks stay and a few more hours of contractions ! Then almost as suddenly as it begun, things went quiet. It was another 6 weeks before Millie was born.
At 3.50 am on the 22nd of May 2003 I was lying in bed reading, just couldn't settle , when there was a loud bang. It took a while to dawn on me what it was ! My waters had broken, I gingerly edged myself towards the side of the bed and walked cross legged to the ensuite toilet. The gush of fluid confirmed that indeed my waters had gone. I decided I wanted to freshen up so had a shower, defuzzed, moisturised and applied make up ! Popped on fresh pyjamas, I then woke up S who was oblivious to all the carry on . Phoned the hospital and made arrangements to come on in, S was going to get me a taxi we only life 5 minutes from the hospital. Then all of a sudden violent contractions starting coursing through my body almost knocking me off my feet. There was no way I could sit in a taxi with a strange man ! S did a mercy dash to the hospital and dropped me off at 5am. Good job we rushed as just 33 minutes later I had My baby in my arms.
So that's how Millie came into my life, it's as if she knew not to arrive on my nemesis day the 23rd of May. I'll always be thankful she wasn't born on that hateful day. Now we are usually busy celebrating her life to worry about the day that I was told her big sister was dying. It also gave me a focus, I then had to think into the future a little, make some plans . As Eloise was still weak I needed a double pushchair etc. Also it gave other people something to talk about with me rather than Eloise and her transplant. It was a little bit of normality in the crazy world I'd been thrown into.
I love the way my three daughters are all so different in looks, mannerisms and personality. Millie is my Diva, she loves to perform, basks in being the centre of attention. She's a girly girl , loves fashion jewellery and high heel shoes. Likes to dress up and look good. Millie loves to sing, she has a lovely voice but god how I wish she'd learn more than one verse of each song. Millie on repeat all day long isn't the best, we usually then get Leah telling her to shut up ! Millie and Leah clash, both quite strong personalities, perhaps they are the most similar. Eloise and Millie get on well they share a room, and often play together. I think Millie just tolerates Henry he pushed her out of position , he's now the baby of the family not her. I think that hurt more than we knew at the time, not that she doesn't get a lot of my time. She does we are always out together. In Spetember Millie starts secondary school, she's decided to have Amelia as her preferred name. It's going to take some getting used to for sure ! I've always called her Millie or Minnie :-)
So Happy 11th Birthday to my gorgeous daughter Amelia, lots of love Mummy xxx
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