“I can’t believe it’s been a year” they say. ( I can I’ve lived it 💙)

 The most common phrase at the moment, “I can’t believe it’s been a year.” Well I can as it’s been one of the strangest and unsettling times of my existence. That was before covid-19 joined us, showing me once again the power of a virus to destroy life and change how I live. Again a time of uncertainty, change and adapting but this time I’m not alone. I think knowing what to say to someone when a loved one has died or even at this one year stage is hard. Personally for me the person that ignores you is the hardest to deal with, someone who gives it an awkward go is much better received. It’s a difficult thing to get right and I’m difficult ! I don’t really like “I’m sorry for your loss” but I appreciate the sentiment. I didn’t carelessly lose Warren he died, maybe I’m too literal in my thinking. I also don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, gosh I’m ungrateful aren’t I . I just think I’m honest actually. If you don’t say how things make you feel nothing will change. I think I’ll be mindful of what I say to a grieving person in the future, although I’ll probably struggle to say something meaningful. 

        Back to the pending one year anniversary of Warren’s death. I’m lucky as I have been left with a wonderful amount of good memories of my relationship with Warren. Thanks to Facebook the photographs have threaded themselves through the year. However seeing all we had has also made the loss feel greater as there is no future us. I wanted this year to be full of new memories as I know Warren would want me to enjoy life and make plans. I made loads of wonderful plans but sadly they never happened. My year of doing 50 things for my 50th stopped at 25, recently I adapted the list but to be honest the moment has now passed. The new plans I’ve made since the easing of lockdown have been simpler but just as precious, everything is special as we are still here. 

         I’m ok, but sometimes I even question that as shouldn’t I be........x,y,z. However this is my grief and alongside it I have to live a meaningful life, existing isn’t for me. I’ve always had the get up, dress up and show up mentality with added lipstick. It’s never failed me. I don’t cry very often, usually because someone has been so kind regarding one of my posts about Warren also sometimes my words catch in my throat and tears threaten. I think the first few days I was awash with tears and the subsequent pre Christmas weeks and Warren’s birthday were also quite water logged at times. The firsts are the hardest thing, I was warned they would be, first Christmas, Warren’s birthday, first New Year, first NT visit and the list goes on and there’s still the first Summer holiday to think about as this years hasn’t happened. So the first anniversary of Warren’s death is another date, this will be tough I’m well aware it will be. I can already start the conversations that are stored in my brain from that day. I can have vivid flash backs, the phone calls, the time line, the “bad news” room, the doctor telling me the news, the nurse who was just so bloody awful at giving the bereavement advise. However I’ll also remember those who were there for me that day, my work ladies especially Rose and Shelley. Warren’s friend and colleague Paul and through him superintendent Andy who came to my house at 9pm and sat with me and said he’d help me organise a memorial service for Warren. In every situation you are reminded to look for those who help you. 

       I have some wonderful people in my life and despite how it appears I’m not always very peopley so feel honoured if I’ve “let you in.” Thank you for letting me talk about Warren, I know talking about death can make people feel awkward but I feel it’s because we don’t talk about it enough. My FB albums documenting my year since Warren’s death have helped me, a safe outlet for sharing, a document of my feelings and somewhere to share happy memories. I know others have found them useful too. Warren will continue to weave his way through my life, so I’ll carry him forward . He was a good, kind man and I know many remember him because of his generosity of spirit. He had so much to give, kindness goes a long way. 

                So on the anniversary of Warren’s death please don’t think of me or feel sad or sorry for me. Instead have a glass or two of your favourite alcoholic beverage and raise your glass to Warren and toast his life, the 47 years he lived not the one year anniversary of his death. He usually had a glass of something in his hand, along with his vape ! 

Nemesis Day Blurred 23/05/2020

Here we are 23rd May 2020 my nemesis day. The day Eloise went from appearing slightly unwell to ventilated with a 30% chance of surviving . The day I heard the words enlarged heart and cardiomyopathy. The day I faced every parents worst nightmare and started living it desperately hoping I’d wake up. The day which has haunted me ever since and given me so many flashbacks and what ifs. Until this year.

                I woke up in the far too early hours of Thursday morning and calculated the date , ahhh yes the 21st of May as Friday is the 22nd Amelia’s birthday. My brain just left it there until I sluggishly got it thinking, if Friday was the 22nd,  that meant Saturday was the 23rd. Tick, tick, tick which meant I had almost got to the 23rd of May and given it absolutely no thought. Usually in the weeks building up to the day I get more thoughtful, more flashbacks, more bad dreams, more unsettled and therefore the need for additional selfcare kicks in. The retreating to my bedroom, candle lit baths, leisurely walks , gym sessions, swimming, also the insomnia creeps in and the nightmares start up, but not this year. I guess this whole lockdown has been about selfcare but all I’ve needed is my hour or two of reading time and a few tea lights lit some evenings. I’ve rarely left the house during lockdown, not even bothering to go for a walk. Each year things have got easier I stopped crying on this day 4 years ago and that was a huge milestone ! I have just read my Facebook post from last year and I was still having intense recall of this day and it was difficult. My mind flooded with the conversations I had and heard on that day and visualising all the rooms I spent time in. This year yes I can bring all of that into focus but it hasn’t crept up on me I can choose to draw it out or not.

       I think this year we are all fighting the same fear, the same enemy Covid-19 and yes Eloise is extremely vulnerable to the virus but most of us have someone we love in the vulnerable category, so this time we are all in the same storm. I know we are all in our own boats and we will be feeling this crisis in different ways but we are all at sea together. Strangely the leaking pipe caused me far more anxiety than the virus ! I hate broken things. I have been isolated both physically and mentally before. However this time around isolation is different as we have social media and many more ways to stay in touch. When Eloise was ill I was very isolated and lonely because of her diagnosis and prognosis so I just got on with it. I probably bottled far too much in until I started writing this blog 6 years ago. Then I created a safe outlet for my feelings. I’ve not written much in here recently as I’ve not needed to. I’ve found it easier to use Facebook as a way of expressing my grief since Warren’s death. Today it is 9 months since Warren died. So much has changed in the past year, it’s been difficult, challenging, sad,  exhausting, but with so much to be grateful for. It’s weird to think a pandemic has made my grief easier, I’ve had no flashbacks so far which is good going. I know there is still time but I feel hopeful. I think the two months I’ve had off of work have helped me. I thought it would be awful with too much time to over think and grieve for Warren but it happened at the right time. I was emotionally exhausted but I couldn’t really see it or get off the wheel of life. My mind has now had a holiday and I feel refreshed. I’ve not felt sad, low or depressed , I’ve not cried or felt alone, just some tension has left my body and my mind is more settled. I’ve let what I cannot control regarding Warren’s death go. My days have been filled with simple pleasures, time with my family, reading and far too much cake. I’ve not done any video calls, or Zoom or anything of that nature and that too was the right decision for me. 

        So here I am on the 23rd May, 18 years on with my Warrior maiden Eloise and another virus is causing fear, disruption, uncertainty and grief to so many.  I wonder how many people will now realise what is truly important in life, health and happiness and spending time with those we love. It really is that simple, it’s sad a virus had to remind us. Our lives were changed forever 18 years ago by a simple childhood virus and no I would never have chosen that to happen but it did and we have had to make every day of life count. I hope the lessons learnt from this period of time stay with us longer than the days we said we’d #bekind . People matter not things and the key workers truly have been heroes. 

              

Isolated

Isolated

Just thought I’d write a few things down regarding Covid-19 and the impact it’s having on me and my family. It’s possibly different to how you think I maybe feeling. 

           For the last few years since her 2 rejection episodes in 2013 we’ve pretty much been able to forget Eloise has had a heart transplant unless she’s at an outpatients clinic, having an angiogram, having blood tests or I’m trying to get her medical travel insurance. That’s the way we like it, please never take normal life for granted it’s what so many of us crave. The transplant world isn’t somewhere we chose to visit and while I’m happy to run a Heart Transplant support group I found when Eloise was unwell in 2013 I wanted to deal with what was happening by not posting in the group. I wanted to deal with what I was going through pretty much on my own as that was easier for me. Otherwise I’d have to support all the people who were worrying on our behalf, I didn’t have that extra energy. However I’m very happy to have found like minded (transplant) friends along the way. People who I’d have clicked with anyway as they are my kind ! In that way we are no longer isolated. 

      To me Eloise is special and she amazes me everyday with her attitude and resilience as well as her way of dealing with so many things. I also have three other amazing children with equally as important qualities and I’m so proud of them all. 

     So back to this virus, it’s making something I push to the back of my mind be right in focus. I can’t get away from it. I’m not one for hand sanitiser, or someone who worries about common infections. I’ve let Eloise do everything her siblings have done without scrubbing her down etc, just a normal grubby childhood of dirt and worms. Yet Eloise is vulnerable to this infection. Eloise is immunocompromised. Eloise has one of those underlying health conditions. Eloise is in a at risk group.  No one knows how someone with a lowered immunity post organ transplant will be if they catch covid -19 and I guess it’s best not to find out. So Eloise has stopped going to university. She was back at nursery 3 months post transplant and has done all the stages of schooling with her peers and now I’ve told her she’s different and it’s best she stays home. That’s what I’m struggling with but I know that I’m doing the right thing so I don’t need convincing but that doesn’t mean it makes acceptance any easier. 

       I just want normal back so I guess that’s just asking people who don’t have vulnerable family members to think of families like mine. To not just have the selfish well I’m ok attitude, to not judge those who are worried, to not take away the supplies and medication from those who need it more than you. How can we have gone so quickly from “Be Kind” to screw this every man for himself? How desperately sad.

       So please don’t think Eloise is in lock down because I’m scared, she’s actually currently roller skating around the park. She’s going to be mainly at home because it’s possible. Her university has been amazing, the technology is in place for lectures to be recorded along with all the slides, some lectures can be seen in real time and Eloise can join in ! She can also use Skype, the joys of Eloise being a tech and computer geek. We can still go outside to open places which is what Eloise prefers anyway. If I felt the restrictions were detrimental to her mental health I’d have to reconsider but she doesn’t get cabin fever like I do. At the moment the rest of the family will carry on as normal but we will continue to monitor the situation and take guidance from the transplant experts. I know I’m known for being laid back and that’s not particularly changed here, you have to consider that Eloise is now 19 years old, this is her life and her decisions to make.  I’m just here to support her and make her choices happen.

          

No Point in Pretending.

Valentine’s Day is looming in case you hadn’t noticed after the long January ! Everywhere  I look there are pink and red love hearts, displays of cheesy cards, soft toys, chocolates, candles and everything else they can flog for love. 

                 I was never that much of a romantic, thinking Valentine’s Day to be over commercialised and a bit of a joke. It’s one of those I appreciate you days like Mothers Day and Fathers Day which can also be tricky days for those who are bereaved.  When I was with Warren we decided to embrace it. We just bought each other small gifts and I also bought themed cupcakes, banners, tablewear, sweet treats , candles and little gifts for the children too like heart bath bombs, bubbles, stickers etc. Then Warren used to cook me a lovely meal or we’d go out to a local restaurant. We were often away for Valentines’s Day as it would coincide with half term. I think that’s what’s adding to my struggle. Other than 2009 as I was giving birth to Henry I’ve always gone away for February half term for a mini break. This year I cancelled our plans, I couldn’t face returning to a holiday house that we’d enjoyed as a family for two years previously without Warren. So at the minute I’m undecided as to whether to shield myself from Valentine’s Day or throw myself at it.     

                Another issue is hearts, I’m not a fan at the minute because of Warren’s heart disease and our broken hearts, that sounds so cliched but it’s hard to explain. I went off of hearts for a while after Eloise’s heart transplant, I know I’ve mentioned that before. It’s still early days but I think it doesn’t matter how much time has passed since Warren died certain dates, days, anniversaries will trigger memories and intensify my feelings of loss. I suppose Valentine’s Day is for couples, I’m no longer part of a couple, I’m no longer in a relationship but I used to be. 

           I’ve got time to think of what’s best for me, the day also falls on a Friday the day of the week Warren died on. I never put pressure on myself to act a certain way, I’m grieving in my own way, my terms. I am conscious that how I am doing this isn’t the way others behave but this is my life, my mind, my heart, my way of coping and living. I’m ignoring “the rules” as there simply isn’t a correct way to mourn the loss of a loved one.

     Let’s face it I’ll probably write to Warren and put it on Facebook for you all to read or scroll past, never feel you have to read my words or comment. Writing helps me to de-stress, it helps me to say what’s in my head, it keeps Warren’s memory alive and it keeps him in my thoughts. I can express myself in this way quite easily. If you do read my posts I hope they give you an insight into my grieving process and the reasoning behind it. I think it’s good to explore your innermost emotions and I find it most therapeutic. I’m writing this today after going in just five shops on the way home from work and being confronted by all things romantic ! Then thinking “oh hell, how am I going to do this?”

         I can’t bury the past, I like having it all in the open, I’m more comfortable with that. I like sharing my photographs and my memories. Warren existed, we existed as a couple too. We had a great five years, we just wanted more but I appreciate with the condition of Warren’s heart we were lucky to have had five years and lots of adventures. 

         Time for new traditions, I talked to Amelia earlier about us not going away this year and how tough that will be. She reminded me that we are going away at Easter to Edinburgh we’ve never been to Scotland so this is somewhere new for us to discover as a family. I can take the frogs so part of Warren is there as well. We don’t normally go away at Easter either. 

       Last year I went to Mrs Potts Chocolate House on 13th February with Sarah for Galentine’s Day we had a wonderful time so I’ve rebooked for this year. Another fairly new tradition , it’s good to spend time with my besties. Where would I be without my fabulous girl tribe ! 

      I’m all for self care so perhaps I can be my own valentine, we all need to love ourselves more didn’t we? Grieving is exhausting, I’m tired of it, yes I’m sleeping but there is the ache of tension between my shoulder blades. You’d not know from looking at me. I’m doing a fair bit of sighing and deep breathing and the need to be away and in a hot bubble bath of an evening is quite strong at the moment. A pretty conclusive sign that I’m having a moment or two. I’m so lucky that I know the signs. 

               Maybe I’ll buy a new candle in a tin, some flowers and chocolate. I received a heart shaped bath bomb earlier this week that’ll fit in with an evening of pampering. Lighting a lovely candle next to a photograph of Warren gives me a focus every evening. However if I’m thinking how Warren would rather be remembered I’m sure he’d rather I had a glass of something alcoholic and toasted his life ! I’m just not much of a drinker. The tradition could be thinking of Valentine’s Day as a day of Love, love for my family, my friends, my home and yipppeeee myself. 

              Just by writing all this down a cloud or two has lifted and I can think more clearly again. I just need to recognise my limits and go along with how I’m feeling nearer the date, I’ll set aside time in case it all becomes too overwhelming. Am I overthinking, maybe,  It’s just another day right? Next year will be easier ❤️

      

Is it ok to be ok? Asking for a friend.........

Grief journey summary nearly four months on from Warren dying. 

The frequently asked questions now Warren has been dead for nearly 4 months. “How are you?” or “Are you doing ok?”  To which I feel my reply “yes I’m doing ok thank you .” Isn’t what those asking expect to hear. I’m then starred at as if they are waiting for me to add depth to it by saying “actually no I’m not ok and I’m struggling, blah, blah......” I think it’s best not to analyse my behaviour or compare it with anyone else’s . What is normal ? I’m the only one who is in my position of losing my partner Warren, I doubt he had the energy to have another woman in the wings bless him ! Please just try and accept where I am right now. I may not always be ok, I’m not stupid and I do remember learning the five stages of grief by Kübler Ross . I’m prepared to bounce around the stages like the metallic ball in a pinball machine. Right now the anger is a lot loss and I’m accepting that Warren is dead. To be honest on revisiting the stages of grief according to their model, I think I’ll hopefully miss out the depression stage. I’ve done the other four though, bargaining, denial, anger and acceptance.

        Please don’t think I’m acting in this way because I didn’t care about Warren as that’s not bloody true. I could cry, scream, stay in bed, not open the curtains, isolate myself, not get dressed, stay away from work but none of those things will bring Warren back and they aren’t right for me. Remember I’m talking about me and my experience of grief not judging anyone else. If I did the things I listed I’d lose myself as well as Warren and that doesn’t make sense to me. I feel I need to do more good things, more that makes me happy with the good people I have with me in life. Warren would want that, we had two or three days a week of shared time, but we also had our own lives, our own friends and things we enjoyed doing independently of each other. That’s still around me, a frame work to build on. I’m just processing my grief in a way that’s helpful for me. It’s how I cope with the grief I already carry around. Grief isn’t just something the bereaved feel, I’ve lived with grief for decades now and you can still live a happy fulfilled life with her as a tiny companion ! 

          I’m struggling to write this post but I’m also struggling with not getting it written so I apologise that it’s a bit jumbled. I’ll try and continue ! When Warren died part of my life ended too. I’m no longer in a partnership, after five years I’m single again but the rest of my life continues and it’s a good life because I’ve worked hard at making it that way. I’m now just trying to find ways of treasuring what I had with Warren, just because he’s no longer physically here doesn’t mean I can’t talk about him with you. Looking at photographs and sharing our memories with you helps me. I love talking about him but it’s extra special talking to those of you who knew him well. I’m keep boring you all, I’ll keep checking Facebook memories, I’ll keep smiling at the new stories and continue to enjoy remembering a few of the Warren classic moments. Warren is still here in my heart and in my head. He’s gone physically but he left me a legacy and a checked shirt.

                Grief isn’t just an evil thing there to cause me pain, it also teaches me what I value, what I need and who is by my side . It shows me how much I cared about Warren and the depth of my love for my Irish  . This is a good quote Mark Nepo “ The pain was necessary to know the truth, but we don’t have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive.” I’ll probably cry soon as it’s the evening and I’m staring ahead at the large photo of Warren on my bedroom wall still covered in lobster lights. My bedside companion is next to me a gigantic lobster who is a good non snoring hug buddy. Life is not the same and it never will be again and that’s going to have to be ok. I am ok. 

Miss you 💙 sweet dreams xxx 

Time After Time

Time is the most precious thing we have,sometimes I like to be generous with my time and other times I hoard my time so I can look after myself. I think the hoarding of time has increased along with my years of age. Time has become more precious so I no longer waste it on people or activities that make me feel that time is being stolen from me and there’s no chance of it being returned. 

         Once time passes it is not renewable, it’s gone forever so it’s more valuable than money as you can make more money. When I was married I was time poor with my husband despite us having the money to do so much. With Warren I was rich in time as we made time for each other and our wonderful adventures, the memories I’ve been left with are precious. We can all beg for more time but that’s not possible, we just have to use the amount of time we are given more wisely. The clock is always ticking in the background.

                  Like everyone else I’ve wasted time, especially when I was younger, giving the wrong people too many chances and not walking away. Admittedly, this wasted time was due partly to the fact that, when you’re young, you don’t necessarily know what you value or what will bring benefit to you long term. But early in your life, much like having a lot of money in the bank, it doesn’t seem to matter because you, at that point, have plenty of time to spend. This year I’ve stopped giving second, third, fourth chances...... I guess when you reach a certain age you start looking back at your life and see the costs of your past relationships and things you did. 

               There’s that saying isn’t there “Do not put off for tomorrow what you can do today.” Tomorrow’s never promised to any of us. We always think we have an endless amount of time, and that it won't run out! So we put things off, and the truth is, time isn't going to wait for us, and if we put off what we can do now, then life will get in the way.  We can direct our own life but not the lives of others, so if we are planning our life around friends, or family, we need to think about what if?  What if they get sick or die, that’s what happened to Warren who saw that coming ? I’m so glad we always made the most of our time together, rarely a dull unplanned moment ! I think Warren’s death has made me plan more catch ups with friends, I’ve seen so many of my friends in the last 11 weeks and it’s been wonderful seeing them not just a few typed social media messages. Of course I value all the messages my friends have taken the time to write as well but spending quality time with the right people is priceless. 

Time became so much more important after Eloise’s transplant as the survival statistics I was given seemed to say here you go expect 5-10 years of life. I know they have to make you understand that transplant isn’t a cure and that transplanted hearts don’t always work forever but I got fixated on the number of years. Initially in a why bother kind of way as I felt Eloise’s death was imminent but thankfully I got into the quality of time over quantity mindset and life carried on. It carried on but with more colour, more trips out, more making of memories and lots more photographs. I’m glad that 5 years ago Warren got to join in as I feel we never wasted our time together.  

       Of course we still have to spend time doing things we’d rather not do and sometimes spend time with people who don’t interest us, that’s life and you can’t stop some of the time wasting activities like standing in a queue, sitting in traffic, attending parents evening, going to lectures etc. You just have to look after and protect the rest of your time. I guess just know what/who you value and prioritise. Make deliberate choices about how you spend and use your time. Then the tough bit , but believe me if you put yourself first it gets easier, discriminate against people and activities who waste your time. You know what’s coming next......life’s too bloody short !!!! Spend time wisely as to exist without living is not to live at all. 

After You

After You 💙
It’s been two months since I wrote anything and ironically that was my pre 50th birthday post “Age is Just a Number” I reposted it this week on my Facebook as I felt it deserved a rerun because of Warren’s death. I still stand by my words especially these “Age means another year of life that you have been blessed with, growing old is a privilege. I wouldn’t want the alternative to ageing which is not living another year.” When I wrote those words I would have been thinking of my transplanted family, my friends living with cancer and other life limiting conditions. Not Warren, who will now always be 47.
           Warren’s death has been such a huge shock and maybe I’ll never make sense of it. The nurse in me is really trying to work out the medical side of things. What did we miss ? How can a seemingly healthy man have such extensive coronary artery disease that he dies suddenly of a massive heart attack and two cardiac arrests. It’s hard to let it go but I won’t ever get any answers to my questions. I’m grateful that he tried to contact me and got Toby to do so instead. I’m glad he didn’t suffer any prolonged pain that he lost consciousness and was incubated. I also know if he had survived such a prolonged 30 minute out of hospital cardiac arrest that he would have suffered extensive brain damage, I wouldn’t have wanted that for him. Even once resuscitated his heart wasn’t strong enough to pump on its own and it still needed mechanical compressions. This is a selfish one but I’m so glad he didn’t die on holiday, that we got to enjoy and make memories on our last family trip. I’ll try not to imagine how awful that would have been. I have to take the positives out of the situation I’ve been dealt with. I don’t think many people could have survived that, Warren tried his best to fight but not all battles can be won. I told him he could go if he was tired and I told Eloise exactly the same when she was dying. I needed them both to know I loved them, wanted them with me but understood if it was too much for them to stay.

  In time the hours I stayed at the hospital waiting for news in the relatives room will join my other difficult memories that I’ve had in other such hospital rooms over the years safely boxed away in my head. Time never erases those conversations, so please if you are giving bad news get it right. I can recall all the bad news conversations I’ve had as if they happened yesterday, so choose your words carefully, they do have a huge impact. I cannot fault the emergency consultant, she was extremely good, very caring and helpful. She took down my details and that is why I received that lovely card and seeds from the ward/theatre where Warren died. Unfortunately the nurse who gave the bereavement advise wasn’t so great, maybe she was nervous ? She managed to make a visit to the mortuary sound like the best party ever , such an invite. I wanted to laugh !
                                  So it’s now over seven weeks since Warren died and I feel he’s missed so much, so many memories have been made that he would have featured in. So while there’s been this thread of sadness wrapping itself into every day the other threads have shined brightly. My shared life with Warren has ended abruptly but I’m still alive and living myself. I wonder what people expect me to be like right now, do you think I should spend each day in a heap, crying and unable to function? As I can keep going and my normal life is continuing that doesn’t mean my grief is any less it just means I can live with it. It’s just the way I am now because of what I’ve already experienced. I would never describe what has happened as “shitty or crappy” I absolutely hate those words when used in this context. My life isn’t excrement it’s so much more even without my Irish. I’m trying to think of an alternative word and failing as my life is now different going forward because Warren’s not by my side but it’s not without happiness. He would hate me to be miserable and sad, so I’m grasping every opportunity to make memories with my beautiful family and my wonderful friends. I urge you to do the same, safe guard your life by creating memories and I recommend taking a photograph or two.

                      This Winter I’m going to get organised and make our photographic memories into photo books and scrap books. I already love the book of photos I quickly put together for Warren’s memorial service. It’s nice flicking through actual pages rather than scrolling through online albums. I made one a few years back of our trip to Ireland visiting Warren’s place of birth, I may find it later and have a look.
                    I hope Warren understands why I cancelled the holiday at the lodge, I just can’t imagine being there without him. He loved our February mini breaks we had four of them together all in Somerset. The hot tub was always so relaxing, I’ll miss it but I’d miss Warren being there so much more. Cancelling it made me cry so much on Friday and yesterday it broke my heart but I think I’ve done the right thing for myself. Crying again now just thinking about it, maybe one day we will return , I hope.

I’ve probably got so much more I can say but I can write every day if I need to on Facebook, I just wanted to write this blog post this morning. When I know it’s needed I have to get the words down in here, this will always be one of my best forms of therapy. Once I’ve written the post it’s like it’s already been said out loud so afterwards talking about my feelings seems easier. Is that crazy? Maybe I’ve helped others along the way, grief can be quite a lonely thing and obviously it’s a personal experience too but I’m happy to share my journey with you. I need to be understood and I know it’s ok not to be ok. If I say I’m fine, I am. So there’s no need to push for more as these days you’re going to fully know how I am.........💙
Warren I love you 💙 I miss you 💙 sweet dreams xxxx