When 6 became 5 , three years on.

27th April 2011, a day that started out in an ordinary way, the three girls in school and Henry in nursery. S had a day off and I was off anyway, we were having a new kitchen put in and it was near completion. Leah arrived home from school so S and I set out to collect the others at 5pm , deciding He would collect the girls from after school club and I would get Henry from nursery. As we had no useable oven we discussed having pizza delivered for dinner.

                          

        I arrived home first and sat myself down at the computer, I decided to look at my emails as I was sure we had a voucher for money off Dominos. That search changed our lives, unknown to me S's email account was logged in and opened on a email from his best friend J ( a woman ) Her email was all about the wonderful time they would have in Barcelona ( Grand Prix S always went with work collegues) in a weeks time, I'll leave to your imagination what the email contained it was pretty x-rated. I had that imminent sick , cold dread feeling coursing through my body. I was in shock, never saw this coming. Leah was standing over my shoulder just 13 years old and her World was shattered, she cried and cried while I sat there frozen.

        I was still sat there when S returned , no hysterics, no shouting, not really talking. I just said " I guess I wasn't meant to read this "  His answer " No "

       Very little was said it was awkward I had to stay strong, we still had kitchen fitters in the house, my younger children were oblivious to what was unfolding. It was hours later before we talked. The affair had been ongoing for 9 months , well who knows the truth as I wasn't worthy of the truth from S was I ? I felt betrayed J was best woman at our Wedding, Leah's godmother, she knew what we'd been through as a family and that hurt the most. That another woman could do this to me. I wish they'd been upfront , that he'd just left me for her, hate being lied to, hate the fact he had a double life, hate that I was used. I think he had no intention of going, why spend thousands on a new kitchen, planing a family holiday, trips away etc if you were walking away from a marriage. You would save your money for your new life.

       

      Still now I don't know anymore, the whys , what ifs , the reasons. I can live with that. I guess like many couples we'd drifted apart, my time swallowed up by four children, running a home and working while he was away all week. Our time as a couple was very limited , perhaps that was no longer enough for him. Perhaps we should have talked. I guess I didn't really need him and she did. I'm not sure how green he's found the grass on the other side he just says it's not greener just different ! Astro turf ? I know my life is more relaxed, we enjoy our weekends rather than tip toeing around S and his moods.

        Fast forward three years, we're still here, I'm enjoying what we have, we are extremely fortunate to have a good life. S and I still don't talk very much, nothing in depth anyway, we're still no further on with finalising the end of our marriage, still just separated. That doesn't mean we'll ever get back together, I often get asked that, it's not an option. Where are you without trust ? He visits Bristol every other weekend usually just the Saturday night. He's a better dad to the children and he's a nicer man to have around. I guess another factor in the breakdown of our marriage was his high powered stressful job. He came home knackered, bad tempered, he sat around drinking in excess, shouting his orders, only doing what he wanted. A selfish man. This is no longer a possibility, my home, my rules and as he drives to a hotel room to sleep no chance to drink. I guess he's a victim of his affair too, he's no longer with his children, he's given up the home he worked hard to pay for in full to me and the children. He still lives in a suitcase, travelling miles and miles every week. His home is three hours from here. It cannot be an easy life and I'm surprised he still visits but I'm glad he does for the sake of the younger two children. Leah doesn't spend much time with him, she's older has her own things to do and I guess that's the same now with Eloise.

     As I was used to being on my own with the children all week anyway very little changed in our daily lives. I've always been like a single parent but with financial backing that's not changed. I've always brought up the children, attended their school performances, parents evenings, taken them to hospital appointments , dental appointments etc. I've always run the home as well, so while the affair was a shock and S moved out things remained fairly unchanged. I have to be honest I was worried about losing our home and having to leave Bristol as I couldn't afford to live in the area we do and I think rather than change area we'd have relocated instead. I'm happy the children did not have to be uprooted that they stayed at their schools and within the safety of their friendship groups. They needed those friends. Also I'd hate to gave left the security of being near Bristol Children's hospital on multiple levels .

    So this is where we are .......

Leah 

                                   

Leah's now 16, she's bright, feisty, funny, clever an all round nice kid. She's doing her GCSE's and 2 Btecs this Summer. She's a keen photographer, self taught musician and one of those kids that can do well at almost anything she sets her mind at. Yep I'm proud, I brought her up ! 

Eloise

                                      

Eloise is my hero, just one amazing child, she goes through life smiling whatever is thrown her way. She's quirky , a one off I like that, wicked sense of humour and a blossoming actress ! She's achieving so much at school, above her year 9 targets in a few subjects ( she's in year 8 ) Not bad considering the traumas she's been through, prematurity brain flares, couple of cardiac arrests , bypass.....

Millie ( Amelia) 

                                  

Millie my little Diva ! She's a performer all right , loves, singng, dancing and acting. Wicked laugh, great company when she's not having a tantrum ! Loves fashion and shopping, a girly girl. She's off to Secondary School in September and I hope she too will thrive like Eloise. She doesn't always find school easy but she tries hard and brought home a certificate yesterday for Maths as she's made a lot of improvement .

Henry

                                      

Henry, now where would we be without this blaze of fun in our lives ? He's a character, quite a comedian, I love his take on life. He's as bright as a button , loves school and is soaking up facts like a sponge. Parenting him isn't easy, I'm so used to the girls, but we're on a learning curve together and that's ok, it's fun .

 

Me I guess you already know, I just have it all a good balanced life. As long as my babies are happy and well, life's wonderful. If they aren't I struggle.......