Is ignorance really bliss?  Or not?  Never?  Or sometimes?
      I'm finding myself wondering what it would be like not to have a life touched by organ donation. To not have the worries associated with transplantation, to not fear organ rejection, to not feel the pain when we lose someone we've linked with because of organ donation. To not think about survival statistics. To not feel I need to share every story about organ donation. I want to forget but that seems wrong and unfair.  I feel I have to keep promoting organ donation for all those who are waiting for a transplant and to remember those that passed without their call coming in time. I also think that if Eloise needs another transplant I'd want as many people as possible on the organ donor register. I just don't have the energy for it all at the minute, I don't feel the drive to keep sharing petitions. Hell saying that makes me seem like an ungrateful bitch. Believe me I'm not, I never forget how lucky I am to have Eloise. 
   I just need time, a bit of ordinary, a step back maybe. Time to recharge myself and re-harness my passion and drive. I need to just be me, a chaotic mother of four, a partner, friend.........I want to forget for a while, is that so wrong? Normality isn't too much to ask, or is it ? In my day to day life living with my precious Eloise I can't really forget about transplant issues . Each day involves medication and keeping her well and we have her annual review at Gosh looming. Maybe that's added to how I'm feeling right now ? I think I need to concentrate on my little unit at home a bit more. 
   The huge highs and lows or organ donation have really got to me this week. Celebrating one day the news that a young lady has had a successful transplant then crashing back down on hearing a toddler's call didn't come in time. I'm just choked right now, sent back to Eloise's time in hospital, seeing her little face covered in tubes. I know I got to see her beautiful face without the tubes but I'm still  hurting.
     I wish I didn't know all the complexities of organ donation. I wish I thought like many of you that once someone's had a transplant that's it job done. I wish I didn't know a transplant isn't a cure, that you swab one set of problems for another. I wish I didn't know so many, many, heart breaking things. Ignorance has its place in life, it protected me from knowing these things. Too much knowledge can be hard to bear. Confusing to process. I suppose a knowledge of organ donation is on a need to know basis. Sadly I had to be told the truth. 
There's no going back now, I've "grown up" because of organ donation. This knowledge I have brings me pain but I have also gained some wonderful people in my life. In my ideal world would I have remained ignorant about organ donation, to some extent yes, but I joined the organ donor register in 1989. I'm also a nurse so transplantation wasn't unknown to me. I have to accept this is now my reality and despite the sadness I have also experienced many miracles. I've been given a new way to live my life, making every day count. 

Please don't judge me, only I live this life ❤️