Cardiac Arrest, something I’ve known about since I started my Adult nurse training in 1989. Something I’m trained to deal with or be aware of the warning signs. Something that’s touched my life twice with differing outcomes.
One cardiac arrest I watched, floating above it , it felt unreal like an episode of Casualty. I held onto hope as that’s what CPR means, it means that someone is trying to save your loved ones life. There was a chance of survival but I was also aware that my daughter was dying. I was reliant on healthcare professionals and I was willing them not to stop cpr until Eloise’s damaged heart started again. Thankfully it didn’t take long, I can’t really say she was stable as Eloise’s condition was so fragile . She was then taken to theatre for her heart transplant, she arrested again in theatre , something I wasn’t aware of for many years. It’ll be twenty years soon since this horrific day but I remember the event so vividly in technicolour and whole conversations, the difficult kind of conversation.
The second cardiac arrest I never saw yet it’s equally as vivid behind my eyes . I suppose what I see is the bedroom I’d visited and Warren being worked on mixed in with faceless paramedics perhaps even those from the programme Casualty. Those two paramedics must have been exhausted as it took over twenty minutes or so of cpr and using the defibrillator to get a faint heart beat and Warren stabilised enough to transfer to hospital. Like Eloise there was a second arrest in the cardiac catheter theatre unlike Eloise Warren could not and did not survive. However I know every single person involved in his care fought for him and didn’t give up until Warren’s body said no more. I think this sudden loss involves being left with questions and some have no answers. Suddenly losing Warren after a cardiac arrest involved strong feelings of unjustness , he was far too young, he looked well, he’d had an MOT at his GP surgery. However I could also get some comfort from the idea that dying from cardiac arrest avoids prolonged suffering. I even said this today as I’m sure if Warren had survived he would have had extensive brain damage.
I think losing Warren to cardiac arrest was such a huge incomprehensible shock. To me being in cardiac arrest is being on the border of life and death. I see it being like you see in films when someone is walking towards a tunnel of light. They are hovering between living and dying but someone is trying to tip the balance towards life.
Why am I writing this? Well today I’ve done two lots of e-learning on Adult Basic Life Support and Paediatric Basic Life Support and I’ve revisited intensive care at The Freeman Hospital and the A/E relatives room at the BRI . Sucked back there and replaying two bloody awful days when hearts stopped beating. The brain likes to store traumas and for the most part the memories don’t touch me but some days they play on repeat that was today and that’ll definitely be tomorrow . This is when being a nurse is hard for me, it’s a bit too close to home.
