Divorced - Celebrate Life

Divorced - celebrate life ❤️

            

      

It's taken me a while to decide to share the news that after five years of separation I'm finally divorced. You see I don't want you congratulating me for the wrong thing. I don't need congratulating for having a failed marriage that had to be terminated by a court judge. That really isn't the right cause for celebration in my eyes. When I married it was for life and sadly things didn't turn out that way. So please don't congratulate me for that reason. Also I'm only divorced from one person, someone who no longer loved me. 

    Celebrate instead the new beginning that my children and I are living right now. We have made ourselves a good life. Our home is a calm and happy place, well until certain combinations of children fight over control of the tv remote. We aren't the Walton's so don't think it's all sugary sweet ! We are a tight little unit and I like that. When there is only you to do everything for your family you just don't mind. When there are two parents and one isn't doing their share it causes resentment. I don't have that anymore and I feel lighter for it. I'm so proud of them and everything they have achieved so far and I'm excited for their futures as I see nothing holding them back. I like the way they are developing , they are all individuals capable of great things if I nurture them properly. My four children came out of the broken marriage so please celebrate their lives with me and how blessed I am to have four beautiful, amazing children. 

                                            

  Celebrate the woman I have become, she was probably always there but kept quiet, now she makes herself heard even if sometimes she still whispers. I am no longer mute. So please celebrate the fact I'm evolving all the time and I like what I see. I feel like "me" again, does that make sense ? I feel stronger, both physically because of going to the gym, exercising has been very positive, I can see my shape changing and I know I'm making myself healthier. Mentally I'm in good shape too, thank you blog, thank you those who listen to me, thank you to those who read and comment on my therapy blog posts ! My confidence has grown , so I feel differently about myself and I feel I make better choices in life. I'm no longer invisible, even today walking home from the gym, I smiled and greeted a few people and they all saw me and smiled back and that feels good. Celebrate the changes in my wardrobe ! I know totally shallow but it felt so good to start dressing up every Friday, to put on a frock instead of jeans whatever the weather ,season or occasion. Frock Friday changed me and I'm barely out of a dress now, I'm wearing a skirt today though. It's been good to take pride in my appearance again, I am a little lipstick obsessed though, but it dresses the smile ! So celebrate me "growing up" taking on the home on my own.  Yes I know I'm still not a fully paid up adult and I still freak out at bills ,DIY disasters and things going wrong in my home but Google and YouTube are quite helpful. 

                                        

    

  So can you understand why the end of my marriage and my divorce isn't the thing to celebrate ? Celebrate my new beginning please, that would make me happy. So thank you to those who have been by my side for the past five years, I'm incredibly grateful to you all. Thank you to those who have walked into my life since and the biggest thank you to those who buggered off as you truly weren't the right people to be in my life. 

So let's all drink to New Beginnings and celebrate life  🍹🍸🍹

                                      

It's the little things.

Sometimes completely out of the blue it's something so small that has the power to make or break how you are feeling at a particular time.

So there I am, my life ticking along nicely, feeling happy and content as I'd finished work for the Summer. Then bang one piece of A4 paper burst my bubble of happiness and I felt sad. The girls came home with their end of year progress reports and included in the envelopes were their yearly attendance records . I knew last school year wasn't great for Eloise but there it was in black and white , attendance 89.11%. Actually it was in black and white and highlighted in red, just I case I missed it I guess ! Also provided was a table of how awful this attendance score was , Eloise's therefore equated to the Government labelling her a persistent absentee. Millie's of course was fine so she can have a pat on the back from the Government as she doesn't screw up their statistics, neither did Henry with a 99.6% attendance score. 

       At the end of the day those with a 100% attendance are lucky, they must be fit and well with fantastic immune systems to not get taken down by the number of illnesses flying around school. Add in the mothers you hear in the background talking of their child being sick in the night but they are alright now. The ones whose child doesn't have to adhere to the 48 hours away from school after an episode of diarrhoea or vomiting as their mother has more important things to do today, I despise those people as their child infects mine and my child doesn't bounce back and whatever she catches lingers on. 

  

   Eloise will never get 100% attendance even if she wasn't off sick for a whole year as she has essential medical appointments. I don't take her out of school for dental or GP appointments but she has to go to GOSH and Bristol Childrens for appointments and blood tests that fall into the school day. I remember school asking if she needed the whole day for an appointment that was in GOSH ! Well actually this school year she's had five days off because of GOSH appointments, as it was her Annual Review with angiogram in January. I think it's wrong that she is put down for a morning of being absent when she misses one hour and not even a whole lesson to get her bloods checked. This test has to be taken in the morning as its a drug level check that's taken 12 hours after her lost dose of Tacrolimus .

       She's being punished for having a life limiting condition, she didn't miss school because she is on holiday or at a music festival or a day out. She was ill at home, quite ill as we all know nurses deliver tough love at home ! 

       I'll freely admit I cried yesterday for Eloise and this stupid situation but that only made me angry with myself because I let this stupid percentage figure do this to me. I think the idiot that highlighted the 89.11% annoyed me the most. Do you think I need reminding that my child is unwell ? Why didn't they stop and think about Eloise and her health issues ? The child they still have marked down as having heart problems on certain pieces of correspondence ! 

        Maybe they'd like to swap places with her ? I'm sure she'd rather be in school than being repeatedly stabbed with a needle as her veins have had enough. I'm sure she'd rather do a maths exam than be cannulated, the anesthetist repeatedly jabbing at her as tears roll down her cheeks. I'm sure even a PE lesson is favourable to an exercise tolerance test, where you feel you are suffocating because of the tight fighting breathing aparatus. I'm sure she'd rather be with her peers than suffering horrendous migraines and managing them with hardly any analgesics because she's not allowed any non steroidals. My child isn't a skiver, I'm sure she's in school feeling awful for many more days than the ones I've let her take off. Surely all you need to do is look at why she's off school then stick your highlighter pen where the sun don't shine ! 

     All the letter did was highlight the fact that Eloise isn't the same as her peers, it just reminded me of her medical conditions. We try to make every day normal as Eloise is just Eloise. Yes she takes medication every day, twice a day but that's the only difference on a day to day basis. My child isn't a failure she's a bloody miracle, every day she gets up in the morning alive is a bonus for us. She's doing well at school, she's a hardworking, conscientious, and enthusiastic student, who despite needing time off hasn't fallen behind with her studies. 

    That school is lucky to have my Eloise as one of their students, she's a digital leader and even helps tutors with IT issues, she's redesigned parts of a website and is the only student in her year to have passed Microsoft Word, PowerPoint and Excel exams so far , she's now studying for other qualifications. Let's celebrate what she has achieved this school year not focus on something that's out of her control. 

        

Grateful

Grateful, it's a word that is used often in my transplant world. We are all grateful for the second chance that organ donation has given either us or our loved ones. We are grateful that someone donated their organs, we are grateful to the donor families that said yes. We are grateful for the skilful surgeons, the transplant medics, the hospital teams that keep us or our loved ones alive. When you see the dictionary meaning of the word grateful you can see why it's used so often.

"grateful

adjective- feeling or showing an appreciation for something done or received.

1. synonyms-

   thankful, filled with gratitude, appreciate , indebted, obliged, obligated, under obligation, in your debt, beholden "

   However do we always have to be grateful ? Why does it feel like we are moaning and being disrespectful to the organ donor when we complain about ill health, missed opportunities, post transplant complications, hospital visits or any normal aspect of day to day life ? Why can't we complain without feeling ungrateful ? I think we are as entitled as the next person to say we are struggling, that things aren't going so well.

  I often read posts from members of my transplant family that start with an apology. "I'm sorry for moaning but....."  Why can't transplant recipients moan when they are feeling rough with a cough and cold for example ? You are feeling ill so why can't you say that without feeling guilty? Sympathy should be given freely, we are all entitled to it. Sadly you'll usually find someone will say "you should be grateful, you've been given a second chance, not everyone is so lucky, you have x,y and z"  The transplant recipient then feels guilty for "whinging."  People don't realise that these casual remarks cause upset and feelings of guilt. 

It's just the need for a transplant and subsequent transplant can change your life and dreams. I'm thinking of all my adult female heart transplant recipients who have been advised not to have children because of the strain on their hearts and the potential kidney damage a pregnancy can cause. So many of us dream of becoming parents and to be told no, is a crushing blow. So many of these ladies are told to be grateful that they are still here, of course they are ! It doesn't mean they aren't grateful for the life they have been given , they are. They just saw a life with their own children in it. As humans we want to reproduce and sadly for some this isn't advisable. Never think these ladies aren't grateful for their second chance.

Complain , complain, complain when you need to my transplanted friends and loved ones of those transplanted. Let everyone know that post transplant life isn't all sparkly and happy ever after. It can be tough sometimes , bloody tough, challenging, life changing, painful, mentally draining , depressing and so much more. Add in the survivors guilt . Add in the "need" to honour your donor by living some amazing life when some days all you can do is get up in the morning . Even while writing this post this evening a lovely friend posted about their child needing to undergo more tests on Friday under anaesthetic. Included in the post were the words " I'm not complaining as so many go through more...." Actually most people go through their lives going through a hell of a lot less my Northern friend. Never feel guilty for saying this isn't fair, it's not fair. This doesn't mean you aren't grateful for the transplant , it just means post transplant complications suck ! 

Do you think anyone whose life has been touched by organ donation forgets their loved one is only here because someone else died ? We never do. When Eloise had her two rejection episodes I felt guilty that we'd not looked after her transplanted heart properly. I worried about her donor family and how they'd feel if Eloise continued to reject their child's heart. I didn't want to moan to Rebecca about everything Eloise goes through but I wanted her to know that sometimes post transplant life doesn't go to plan. I'm sure she knows I'm eternally grateful but at times it's not easy being the mother of a transplant recipient. 

 Of course we are all grateful because transplantation has given us precious time, on the whole it's quality time but when it's tough let us voice how we feel without guilt. By admitting we are struggling we aren't disrespecting the donor we are just being open and honest. So please let us share with you the good times but also the hard times without making us feel we are ungrateful.  ❤️