Stood at a Crossroad

Stood at a Crossroad.

         

Just a little blog post about change and trying to deal with it I guess. Weighing up different options and making decisions something I'm notoriously bad at ( I blame it on the stars as I'm a Librian)  The thing that I am excited about is the fact I have choices, that I can continue as I am or I can veer off into something new. So I have called this post "Stood at a Crossroad" because crossroads symbolise decisions and they are about changing direction. I have choices that must be made not just because things aren't working out as planned, but because some aspects of my life could be improved upon. It's easy living in my "normal."  Change has to happen.

        Experiencing the end of my marriage, the challenges of bringing up four children alone, dealing with Eloise's health issues ,ongoing changes at work, maintaining a relic of a house, managing my finances etc could have left me paralysed with fear and honestly at times I'm a crumpled , tearful, broken mess. However I also feel stronger and inspired to make some changes. Taking Eloise's health issues out of the equation I'm actually looking forward to the future, something I have feared for well over a decade, since Eloise's transplant.   

 I guess at the moment I'm in the transition phase, I've acknowledged the fact I need to make some alterations in my life but  I don't even know what changes I am going to make . Something inside my head at the moment is telling me it's time to move on. I wish my head would give me a clearer picture as my heart is leaping about in fear and my insomnia is back with a vengeance !  I'm trying to work out who I am and who I want to be, no wonder I can't sleep . Not knowing I suppose is part of this transition process. Before I know what I want next , I have to work out what aspects of my life are no longer working for my 46 year old self. Perhaps having the top of my ear pierced two years ago wasn't my mid life crisis and I'm actually having it now ? I'm just happy that I feel I have potential to change, adapt and move on. It's quite a forward step.

       Some ideas for change are only small and are just thoughts beginning to grow in my head. I just don't want to get stuck in a rut , I don't want life to be ordinary, I want it to be amazing ! I am a control freak, I like things just so, so I am sure I will find it hard to make changes but I feel I should embrace change, relax and go with the flow. I must not fear change because things staying as they are may not give me the best in life. 

      I guess I just need to trust and be guided by my deepest feelings. Sometimes I am quite wise, full of pearls of wisdom but sadly this is usually me giving advise to others. Therefore not me sorting out my own problems ! I know I sometimes chose the "easy life" option, which doesn't give me the best outcome. 

     We all have dreams, I just need to help mine grow rather than writing them off as impossible. Some small changes could get me nearer to reaching some of my goals. I don't stretch myself enough.

    Sometimes life can be a bit chaotic here, the house is bursting with stuff, clutter and four very lovely but extremely messy young people. I have to share out my time with work and raising my family but keep enough time back for myself. I try to find a balance and I am lucky I do usually get precious time with my thoughts. I think quite a few of the changes I need to make are to the house, some things are major and will involve money and tradesmen but others are more simple and I should be able to implement them myself. Soon I will be receiving more maintenance money from S and taking over all the bills and the house from him. So I will have quite a few financial changes to manage. I am so ready for this change and I am looking forward to independence and home improvements ! 

       Work wise I don't think I will be making any changes at the moment. I don't feel it would be advisable to give up the perfect contract, with the shift pattern that fits in with juggling the children and allowing me to spend a lot of quality time with them. When your child is life limited creating memories and enjoying every precious minute is the priority. My job allows me that. However things change and one day I may make a change , even change direction completely. I'm not sure if any of my skills are transferable , time will tell.

       Soon we will experience some changes with Eloise's transplant care. As she is 15 and a half we need to start transition to adult services. Also her very wonderful Bristol Consultant who has been with us since the day she was diagnosed with myocarditis is retiring. Now I guess we either transition her now , or possibly go through changing consultant now and at 18 years old. There maybe an option of a consultant that can see her as a child and adult which would be my preferred option, a more gradual introduction into adult care. Then we need to decide on a adult Transplant Centre, at the minute there are two in the running Harefield and Papworth . So more decisions, more change. I am extremely grateful though to get Eloise to nearly 14 years post transplant, she is one of the lucky ones. 

       On a personal level , I have already made a few changes. I'm embracing the gym and really enjoying seeing the results. Next a few alterations to my diet so my hard(ish) work isn't in vain ! I'm also really glad that nearly three weeks ago I had the three moles removed from my face. They may not have been that obvious to other people as they were flesh coloured but I was beginning to hate seeing them in every photo of myself. Yes, totally vain, I'll take that but it's really made me happy. I feel more confident and lack of confidence in my appearance has been an issue for many, many years. It's good that my mindset is slowly changing because if you can't love yourself how can you expect others to ? 

                      

 I have a small group of people in my reality life who are very positive , supportive and encouraging. True friends that are available when I need them to help guide me. I only need guidance I don't need to be told what to do with my life. Just people who listen and let me express myself . The ones that really know the real me, scars and all. They are the ones I know will stick around for the long haul journey no matter how bumpy the ride gets ! Pass the sick bags, I get travel sick ! 

    So I'm excited to get to this cross roads and see new horizons. 

                         

Self Sabotage, time for change.

Who is your enemy ? Do you have a nemesis ? Do you have someone you hate with a passion. I have experienced a whole myriad of emotions because of my feelings towards other people but I don't feel I actually hate anyone enough to label them an enemy

                          

     

  I am however my worst enemy , I'm not very kind to myself. I beat myself up quite regularly seeing my failings but being blind to my successes. I'm sure that's true for many of us, we don't like to blow our own trumpets and when others compliment us we  don't accept the compliments gracefully. Even today I was given a wonderful compliment but did I take it ? No I threw it back out there, I made a sweeping judgement and almost ruined a lovely compliment. Thankfully I saw how stupidly I was acting and I apologised and took the compliment as my friend was being genuine. I guess it's my thoughts and beliefs that are my biggest enemies. I get in my own way ! 

   I have little confidence in the way I look . Certain clothes make me feel happy as I think they fit me well and suit me but on the whole I'm less pleased with my image. This seems like such a shallow thing to say.  Yes of course I'll have good days when the mirror is kinder than others. I wonder is the image we see in a mirror the way we look to other people ? Don't get me started on the lighting in changing rooms, do they not want you to buy their clothes ? Jeez you go out thinking you look ok then clock yourself in a variety of angled mirrors, it makes you want to sob. This is even worse if you've had to strip to your underwear to squeeze yourself into an outfit. My cellulite has cellulite, yuck. I definitely look better with my clothes on ! Confidence , are we born with it or does it develop from being nurtured ? I seem to have missed this crucial stage of development. Thankfully my girls aren't so lacking and that makes me happy for them. However small changes in my mind set are happening. I've given up on weighing myself every day, it only made me sabotage a diet. I've given that up too, no more dieting ! Both removed from my life and replaced with a FitBit, hypnosis, a well used gym membership and the feeling of my clothing getting loser ! I no longer crave anything as nothing is out of limits. 

     I think the lack of confidence may stem from being brought up to be modest, I think a lot of my generation were. Maybe people still are I'm not sure. With strangers we have to "sell" ourselves more so they get to know us quicker and so we tell them our good traits. I don't like doing this, it's as evil as the dreaded study day role play !  With my friends who I see or interact with regularly I am more modest and never boast about my positive traits. It just doesn't sit right with me. I guess friends who we have known for ages know us and what we are good at and because we want to remain friends things go unsaid as who likes a bragger ? I suppose the worry with modesty is when it becomes low self esteem. When we always fear our abilities are lacking. I wonder sometimes what I am trying to prove and to who. I can sometimes become preoccupied with being a "superhuman" , by the way I'm so not ! See I've done it again, self sabotage ! I think self sabotaging is quite common in people like me who have insecurities.

    At the moment I have a fear of change, my divorce and financial settlement that has  been dragging on for years is nearly at the point of finalisation and I'm scared. I'm not even sure what I'm frightened of. I have solo parented my four children from birth, attending all their parent evenings, hospital appointments, assemblies, school activities etc alone so no change there. I have run this home and kept it going alone. I have juggled so much alone and I've done ok. The only difference will be I will be responsible for paying all the bills but I will be getting maintenance from S to enable me to do this. So very little will change but I'm unsettled. Without the money I couldn't afford our home and lifestyle and I appreciate how lucky I am but I can't help at times feeling like I'm the paid nanny. As S only has to do the fun side of parenting the money feels like it's my wages. I really hope I stop feeling like this soon.

     I would like to think I'm doing the parenting side of things as well as I possibly can. That I'm giving my four children a solid foundation in life. I'd hate to think the break down of my marriage has damaged them and ruined their chances in life. I hope they all achieve their dreams, stay healthy and remain happy. I'm sure that's what we all want for our offspring . They are my greatest achievement, what I am immensely proud of. Four individuals, all here because of me, yes I know it took two. I achieved my dream , my dream was a simple one to be a mother, the advanced bonus dream also achieved, to be the mother of four. How truly lucky I am. Perhaps in my role as a mother I am more confident and not my own enemy. 

     It's really hard to learn how to love yourself and stop being so hard on yourself. These are some of the things I do or I'm trying to do at the minute.

 Exercise has become a big part of my life especially in the last 6 months. I've had a gym membership for the last 18 months but it's more recently that it's become important. I can feel the physical and mental benefits of exercise. It's good for my soul as my happy hormones are flowing and I need to go regularly to feel balanced. Also I can see small positive changes in my shape, and I like it ! I'm still quite negative about my body but I'm trying to remember all its been though and survived.

                              

     

                     Going out, I love days out, evenings out, time with friends old and new. I'm lucky that I have willing babysitters so I have rediscovered my social life and I like it. This is of course balanced out with my need for solitude. I love my bathroom zoning out hours, I love being alone in my bedroom like now, it's bliss. Being alone is ok and saying you need time out is also ok.

      I'm a real city girl but lately I have swapped my shopping trips for walks in the Countryside and breathing in deeply the fresh air  it has been good. I love taking photos when I'm out, I'm thinking maybe I should get a better camera and do a photography course? 

       Frock Friday has been going now for a couple of years it's been a very good concept for me, it started originally to get me out of my mum uniform of jeans and a shirt one day a week. To say you don't need a special occasion to dress up. Now you'll probably find me in a dress and the now obligatory matching underwear that started a couple of years ago as well. It feels good and I enjoy choosing matching sets.

      I'm starting to learn that I cannot please everyone , that I'll always have my critics, that there will be people who don't like me and people I don't like. But it doesn't matter, it's fine, just the way it is. I just try to not be judgemental as I don't know what that individual is going though, just try and be kind.....not always easy I agree ! I try not to let people take advantage of me, a relationship needs to work both ways. 

                

Smiling is good though, the more I smile the happier I feel and I like to know my friends are smiling too. It's nice to make others smile and feel happy. So slowly I'm learning to like myself and I'm sure the love will follow. ❤️