Gone Too Soon.

Death, I'm not ready for it. I fear it as much as the next person. My own mortality frightens me less than losing those I love especially my children. It's just a natural order that parents pass away before their children. I try not to think about death, as it's too final, the last goodbye. Sadly it cannot always be avoided and tomorrow I'll be attending the memorial service of a dear friend who passed away too soon but after many years of ill health.

         

      

               Living your life one day at a time is all well and good as long as you feel you are achieving all you want in life. "No regrets" is a common phrase,  I often throw that one out there but in truth I am lying I do have regrets. I regret wasting time on the wrong people and not spending enough time with those who deserved my attention. I let the demanding people drain me of my energy and I left the unassuming folk little of my time, if any. I'm angry with myself, life is busy and chaotic but I could and should have found time for those who loved me unconditionally.  When I was with S I saw very little of my friends , I let them down and I made myself isolated, for for an easy life. Luckily most of them stuck around ! 

Losing someone you loved is so hard and it sends ripples through the rest of your life as out of the blue something will happen to remind you of them. It's sometimes shocking how even twenty or so years later the pain of their loss can be sharp enough to take your breath away. We need the human bond to feel connected and joyful, and we enjoy life much more when we share it with people we love but when they die a void is left and it's very hard to fill. No forget that it's impossible, I'm forever flawed.

Coping with loss is one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do. I don't cope, I just box it away and on significant anniversaries it spews out and I cannot ebb the flow. I already feel bereaved because I "lost" my fit and healthy Eloise. The thought of losing her totally is incomprehensible.  Everyone copes with bereavement differently , and some of us never do. I do believe you can die of a broken heart. 

When I lose someone I love, it changes my universe and my inner peace is shattered and the equilibrium of my life becomes unbalanced and therefore nothing seems right. There is a future that will never exist and a past that I want to go back to only to see my loved one again. I feel like I can’t be further from the present moment and reality. I find this disturbing as I like to live in the moment but the moment is without the person I've lost in it. They only exist in the past and some of my past is painful to revisit. So I'm forced back into a time when life was difficult and uncertain. I am also left thinking of the lost opportunities , we should have seen more of each other and made more memories.

     When I need to be alone to think about my friends I often seek out water, it's reflective , I like the noise it makes especially the sea, it's ever changing which is just like my emotions. Sometimes like this evening the best I can do is lock myself in the bathroom and spend hours in the bath, trying to relax. Swimming also helps me a lot and helps me feel peaceful. So like I said at the beginning of this blog post Tomorrow it's time to say goodbye to a wonderful lady who played such an important part in the beginning of Eloise's life as she was at her birth. As you can imagine giving birth to a baby born two months prematurely was a very scary time for me. But I was lucky to have the best person at my side , looking out for me, supporting me and comforting me.  I'm feeling very emotional as I try to deal with a tirade of feelings. I'm sad for the loss of my friend and Eloise's godmother.  I'm also dealing with the memories of other important people who I've said goodbye to .I'm struggling to dealing with my fear of losing my child, as I'll never be ready for that. I know I'm going to cry, I'm already at the taking deep breathes stage. I avoid as many funerals as I can because I become awash with emotion and so many feelings mingle together. I'm scared of funerals and the final goodbye.

   I know life is forever changing but the loss of someone important is very severe and adapting to them no longer being there is extremely hard. I know they'll remain in my heart and in my memories but that's not always enough. I have no religion , no faith but when it comes to death I try to protect myself . I have to believe there is something more than this. I have to think I'm going to see them again one day, otherwise it's even harder to deal with. I didn't want life to change in this way, I shouldn't have experienced losing friends already, they've been taken too soon. Losing a couple of people who I was extremely close to changed me. It was the only way to cope after such a traumatic loss, I couldn't go back to my old self, this was and is my coping mechanism. I remember when I lost J to suicide begging for him to come back but nothing could bring him back to me. His death couldn't be undone and I was left reeling from it. It took me a long time to even mention him and I'm not sure I have found peace. All I'm left with is stories of the good times we shared and that has to be enough. 

      

I think I've run out of energy to say anymore, I feel I should be full of wise words and life lessons. Just live people, just live and enjoy each day to your best ability. May as well leave you with Mark Twain's wise words ! Take care and lots of love my friends. XxxX

                     

A Piece of Me

A piece of me

                                           

      

“It feels like everyone wants a piece of me.”

Just the above really, life seems to be hectic at the minute and the school holidays a distant memory. The past three weeks have been a whirlwind physically and more so mentally. Thank goodness I relaxed for nearly six weeks and took good care of my mental well being. At times over the past three weeks I've felt overwhelmed, rushed and at times even buried under the weight of so many competing demands. This middle aged lark with aging parents and young children can be a challenge . I feel torn and scattered running my home, working ( very part time I know ) and caring for many loved ones. I feel shattered into many pieces and incomplete.

    Yet at the same time it's good to feel needed and wanted, it's good to know you can make a difference. There are times in my life that I have felt very alone and very isolated. Partly because I didn't reach out to people and partly because I hadn't found the right people to engage with. I never want other people to feel like that. I hope by sharing Eloise's transplant story and our fourteen years of experiencing the good, bad and ugly we can reach out to people in a similar situation. 

    I just wish life could be more balanced, at the moment I'm in the "it never rains but it pours" stage ! Just one thing after another and I feel like an emotional wreck, then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I've cried with sheer frustration, I've cried as I'm tired of all this, I've cried because I'm sad, I've cried because I'm angry. Yes it's been a soggy month so far, sorry pillow and thank you waterproof mascara. Thank you work colleagues for dealing with my tears, just don't ask if I'm alright next time. I am ok really just a break from dealing with anything else would be good, time to catch my breath then I'll be right back with you. 

       

   

      Most of the people who need a piece of me, would be at my side propping me up if I needed them. I no longer allow the takers to take, having been previously drained by some people I no longer allow this to happen. The relationships and friendships I have now are equal. We scream on the roller coaster of life together. Also I give pieces of myself to people I've never met, people in the transplant community again this is my choice and I'm very happy to provide that support. 

   So I'm hoping for a few days of the quiet life and spending quality time with family and friends this weekend. Starting to rebuild myself ready for life's next attack as it will happen.  So please life let me have a weekend of loveliness, let me sleep, let me clear some of the fog dampening my restless mind, just let me be........thank you. 

Behind the Smile

Behind the Smile.

         

I like to smile, I have the crows feet to prove it and I'm very thankful for good teeth that allow me to smile broadly ! Thinking now of the dental horrors regularly seen on Jeremy Kyle ! Here I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few thank you's. Thank you  orthodontic services at Musgrove Park Hospital for my removable brace, thank you Colgate toothpaste, thank you to lipstick manufacturers for colouring my smile and thank you mum for good teeth ! 

       Seriously I'm a generally happy soul but sometimes I'm smiling to hide the pain from you. It's easier you see than explaining, it's easier not owning up to how I feel as saying it out loud makes everything seem worse. It makes it more real. I've had a blissful six weeks at home with my children.  Everyone has been well and we've had the opportunity to spend quality time together at home, on day trips and on holiday. It's been all very normal. It's been perfect, nothing has reminded me of the darker times. Oh and that thing called sunshine brightened up most of my days. I have been able to relax fully and read a library of books whilst sampling many icecream delights. Oh and the odd alcoholic beverage !

                                    

       

    

                 Then Eloise had to have her blood tests taken on Thursday, this also meant a couple of frustrating phone calls to make the appointment.  So now we're waiting for the results which involves harassing the transplant team by email and phone. Then her next hospital appointment will need to be arranged for next month, again this will need to be chased up by me. We've sorted out a cupboard of medication, put in prescriptions and collected a previous order. I know none of this is a big deal but it's a reminder that Eloise has had a heart transplant. Then this morning I had an awful dream , I'd been told Eloise had chronic rejection and her treatment options. I wrote out a whole post updating you all. When I woke up it took me a while to know I'd been dreaming or having a nightmare. Sadly some of my transplant family are living this nightmare right now. One day it could be our reality too, nothing in the transplant world can be taken for granted, not even one day. I look at Eloise enjoying life, hanging out with her friends, doing her school work, loving her tortoises, laughing with her siblings and I want to see her grow up. I love the young woman she's growing into. She's 16 on Wednesday, to have her with me aged 16 is wonderful, once it seemed impossible but I know her now and I'm greedy for more. Yes I'm grateful for every extra day I've had but I'm also sad that her life maybe limited. Then there's the guilt for even thinking she maybe taken from me at a young age, like I've written her off, like I've given up on hope, I haven't.

            It's Organ Donation Week this coming week, it's starting tomorrow and I usually immerse myself in it but I haven't this year. Im not ready for it. I'm wondering if it because I've just spent 6 weeks mainly out of the transplant loop. Not ignoring my transplant family but not submerging myself in it either. I have looked after myself and my own . I took a step back and a few deep breaths. Now it's arrived and if it's anything like last year's event media coverage will be poor, but I can't complain as I've done nothing to promote the organ donor register. Well I did try and beg for a free gym membership for Eloise but Duncan Bannatynes not replied yet........think of the publicity for your health clubs Duncan ! 

        My smile is genuine as I have many, many, many reasons to be happy and lots of fabulous friends who light up my life by just being them. Maybe we all need to live our life like we are dying, because we are. I try to do something that makes me smile every single day, all the little things soon add up. The tears I experience aren't too often even though they threaten to creep from my eyes, I halt them. I'm not depressed, I don't think I have ever been and I know I'm lucky on that score. I think I have every right to express sadness and that actually shows I'm capable of feeling. I'm just a human, trying to do her best for many people while remembering to look after herself.  I'm just ME and I'm not so bad..........