Does getting older bother you?
In terms of the number of years old I am no, I’m writing this because I’m 49 and 11 mths and in my 50th year. The number doesn’t bother me, you are only as old as you feel and all that. Age is just a number.....I do think getting older is a separate thing to how old you are in terms of date of birth.
For years I've heard women balk at saying their age, lie about their age, and joke about being "forever 29” or even 21 again ! I never got it. I mean, age means another year of life that you have been blessed with, growing old is a privilege. I wouldn't want the alternative to aging, which is not living another year. Whether I feel this differently because of being a nurse and seeing people die far too soon! I have also lost friends the same age as me to cancer and suicide. Perhaps it is from being in the transplant world where each day is precious and there is such uncertainty about quantity of life post transplantation. Or this is just me.
I do think it strange that I’ll soon be half a century old , that sounds so different to me than being 50. Also unless I live until I’m 100 I now have fewer days in front of me than behind, that’s a strange thought.
So I’ve been thinking a few things over and I’ll share them with you. Wisdom and experience come at a price, I feel like I’ve been through a hell of a lot in the last few years actually decades so with that in mind, I would rather be the age I am now than going through my 20s and 30s again, still trying to figure out life ! Obviously the horrors I went through with Eloise happened in my early 30’s and nearer the end of them I had my missed miscarriage and thankfully two years after that I had Henry. So many highs and lows. I do feel in my 40’s I started to become myself. It’s 8 years since my marriage broke down and I built myself up. That was a turning point for me, my mind set changed, I had to look strong and in control even if I wasn’t . I had to make sure my children felt secure and they weren’t damaged by what was unfolding around them. I had to keep things normal. Also during this last decade I’ve become more open regarding how I feel, I’ve shared my inner feelings and what I’ve experienced. It’s so much easier now I no longer say “I’m fine.” Why should I hide my feelings ? I hope also by sharing my experiences I’ve helped others along the way. I like to remain positive and hopeful.
There is an urgency to living wisely and well. There is so much I want to do and I totally appreciate how precious time is. I love the saying “living my best life” it’s true, that’s what I like to do. I love to pack lots of lovely things into my schedule. Spending time with those I love just doing things we enjoy together. Perhaps I should stay at home moving dust around or tidying cupboards but if I’m offered the opportunity to do something that will give me a lasting memory I’m out of here ! I guess like many of us I’m very aware that I need to lose weight, my poor joints don’t need anymore pressure on them, I need to put my health needs before my cake needs, bugger ! Thankfully I do love the exercise thing I do at the gym, just need to concentrate on the weights not Homes Under the Hammer ! Swimming is a great form of relaxation so that’s a double plus and aqua aerobics is great exercise, it’s fun and I love catching up with the ladies each week. If only I got the calorie balance right I wouldn’t have so many pounds to lose, a life far too well lived. Incidentally I’m writing a list of 50 things to do for my birthday and their seems to be quite a lot of cake involvement ! So I’ll never be slim, just aiming for slightly less fat and fit !
Age brings a greater appreciation for life and health. I suppose this is connected to the above. At 49+ I am now witnessing what others my age and older experience. Just the realization that my body can't (or doesn't want to) move as well. Also it’s incredibly hard to see loved ones age and go through terrible illness or live with debilitating long term conditions. Then there is the prospect of one day losing my parents, this is just a hideous thought. I know many of my friends have already lost a parent, so I’m extremely lucky to have mine, especially as my dad has battled with many life threatening conditions and won.
I’ve also heard that turning 50 means you are entering the age of true happiness, comfortable and content with your lot. I’ll happily take that ! I know I’m really lucky the mortgage is paid off so financially I’ll be ok when I sell up and down size. The greedy dream is to have two small properties one in Bristol a second in Devon, we shall see how that unfolds. By the time it’s my birthday I’ll have two children at University , one at sixth form and one in their last year of juniors. They’re growing up and spreading their wings. In this coming century even my youngest child will become an adult. Presently I’m thinking of working until I’m 60 then retiring, I’ve never been career driven but I’m still happy with my nursing achievements and I’m proud of the 30 years I’ve given the nhs so far. I’m enjoying working part time, perhaps I should work more hours but time is more important to me than money. I like being able to spend quality time with family and friends.
Age does bring confidence, even though I’m not 100% satisfied with how I look body shape wise I’m not worried about how others see me. I’m the critic and the judge but I don’t think about other people’s opinions on how I look. I’m the only one who controls how I look, if I need to lose a few pounds, stones only I can do it. I’m the one who applies the make up and chooses the clothes. This is very liberating and I wish I’d reached this earlier in life. It’s sad that people are body shamed and that we see air brushed images in the media. It’s so important to love yourself , I’m an advocate of self care. If you don’t look after yourself you have no reserves for looking after anyone else. I used to let people take too much from me, then I learnt another very important life lesson The Art of Saying NO ! Have liberating , just saying no, no excuses, no guilt, just appreciating that I’m important and I have a choice.
So a new decade is waiting for me to fill it with loveliness, spending time with those I love, visiting places that make me happy, buying far too many dresses, eating too much cake and letting my Jellycat soft toy collection grow. So what is there not to like? I know I’ll never age inside even if the reflection in the mirror says otherwise.
50 I’m ready for you ❤️
