Grief journey summary nearly four months on from Warren dying.
The frequently asked questions now Warren has been dead for nearly 4 months. “How are you?” or “Are you doing ok?” To which I feel my reply “yes I’m doing ok thank you .” Isn’t what those asking expect to hear. I’m then starred at as if they are waiting for me to add depth to it by saying “actually no I’m not ok and I’m struggling, blah, blah......” I think it’s best not to analyse my behaviour or compare it with anyone else’s . What is normal ? I’m the only one who is in my position of losing my partner Warren, I doubt he had the energy to have another woman in the wings bless him ! Please just try and accept where I am right now. I may not always be ok, I’m not stupid and I do remember learning the five stages of grief by Kübler Ross . I’m prepared to bounce around the stages like the metallic ball in a pinball machine. Right now the anger is a lot loss and I’m accepting that Warren is dead. To be honest on revisiting the stages of grief according to their model, I think I’ll hopefully miss out the depression stage. I’ve done the other four though, bargaining, denial, anger and acceptance.
Please don’t think I’m acting in this way because I didn’t care about Warren as that’s not bloody true. I could cry, scream, stay in bed, not open the curtains, isolate myself, not get dressed, stay away from work but none of those things will bring Warren back and they aren’t right for me. Remember I’m talking about me and my experience of grief not judging anyone else. If I did the things I listed I’d lose myself as well as Warren and that doesn’t make sense to me. I feel I need to do more good things, more that makes me happy with the good people I have with me in life. Warren would want that, we had two or three days a week of shared time, but we also had our own lives, our own friends and things we enjoyed doing independently of each other. That’s still around me, a frame work to build on. I’m just processing my grief in a way that’s helpful for me. It’s how I cope with the grief I already carry around. Grief isn’t just something the bereaved feel, I’ve lived with grief for decades now and you can still live a happy fulfilled life with her as a tiny companion !
I’m struggling to write this post but I’m also struggling with not getting it written so I apologise that it’s a bit jumbled. I’ll try and continue ! When Warren died part of my life ended too. I’m no longer in a partnership, after five years I’m single again but the rest of my life continues and it’s a good life because I’ve worked hard at making it that way. I’m now just trying to find ways of treasuring what I had with Warren, just because he’s no longer physically here doesn’t mean I can’t talk about him with you. Looking at photographs and sharing our memories with you helps me. I love talking about him but it’s extra special talking to those of you who knew him well. I’m keep boring you all, I’ll keep checking Facebook memories, I’ll keep smiling at the new stories and continue to enjoy remembering a few of the Warren classic moments. Warren is still here in my heart and in my head. He’s gone physically but he left me a legacy and a checked shirt.
Grief isn’t just an evil thing there to cause me pain, it also teaches me what I value, what I need and who is by my side . It shows me how much I cared about Warren and the depth of my love for my Irish . This is a good quote Mark Nepo “ The pain was necessary to know the truth, but we don’t have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive.” I’ll probably cry soon as it’s the evening and I’m staring ahead at the large photo of Warren on my bedroom wall still covered in lobster lights. My bedside companion is next to me a gigantic lobster who is a good non snoring hug buddy. Life is not the same and it never will be again and that’s going to have to be ok. I am ok.
Miss you 💙 sweet dreams xxx
