Marriage Legacy

25th May 1996 my Wedding Day, I married S in St Mary's Church in Kingston St Mary near Taunton and we had our Wedding reception in a Manor house in Wellington. It was a fantastic day and we had a lot of fun with our friends and family.

Me in my Laura Ashley Wedding frock, with massive real floral headress all the rage in the 90's ! 

 

                                        

Fast forward 14 years, four children and all the trauma with nearly losing Eloise and her having a heart transplant. We nearly reached on 15th Wedding Anniversary......but as you know from a previous blog entry we didn't quite get there ! S decided the best woman for him was J the Best Woman at our Wedding , his childhood friend who also became Leah's godmother.

        

So here I am today on what would have been my 18th Wedding Anniversary, perhaps it still is I'm not divorced yet . I'm in a good place.....well a Premier Inn in Newcastle with my lovely friend Katie. Life's treating me very well, I'm very happy and content with my lot. 

My marriage gave me four beautiful children , Leah, Eloise, Amelia and Henry, a wonderful house that's become a home we all love being in. My marriage brought me to Bristol as it's where we decided to settle down after living in London for a few years, I love Bristol so much. My marriage has brought me financial stability and a good quality of life, the children and I want for nothing.

The end of my marriage has given me strength and determination , I've seen what I can achieve, I'm no longer living in the shadows. I am embracing all I have and using my experiences to help others to see the end of a marriage can be positive and it doesn't mean the end of Family. I truly feel alive and happy, I can do whatever I want I don't need anyone's permission. I feel confident again, I'm enjoying getting dressed up, Frock Fridays and nights out. I feel like me again. I've got energy, I was just stuck in a tired rut before, busy all week then too tired and unmotivated when S came home at the weekends as he never wanted to go out. I've still got my loyal friends who have been through everything with me but I've added a lovely new set as well. I love my new friends, we have a lot of fun together, always laughing. Live, laugh, love, I do all three.

So how can I have regrets, I don't hate S not so keen on J to be honest . I just wish they'd been honest from the start. The affair part hurts not the fact they are together still now, both very welcome to each other. I hope it's all they thought it would be and worth everything S has given up. I haven't lost anything as S obviously no longer loved me and I wouldn't have fought for him to stay . I guess that goes a little way towards saying I knew I could live without him, therefore my love for him had faded too. 

                                   

So Happy 18th Wedding Anniversary to me , things didn't go as planned but maybe, just maybe this was the way things were meant to be. I know the last three years have brought changes but positive ones for me and the children. Perhaps by next year I will be divorced but whatever happens I will continue to enjoy the Legacy from my Marriage.

My Nemesis Date 23/05/2002

My Nemesis Date.

Do you have a date that you hate over any other ? One that feels you with fear and makes you relive a day you'd wish never happened . A day that gives you pain still now. I do.

Wednesday 23rd of May 2002

I knew before I got Eloise out of her cot that morning that she'd probably be a little unwell. The Evening before after nursery she'd vomited her bedtime milk but managed water and she was struggling with constipation something new for her. She seemed pale and quiet but otherwise ok , we went out for a bit to the local shops. She lay in her pushchair and had a nap. My dad was coming to babysit so I could meet my mum in town , she was working in the Bristol Debenhams for the day as it was Mega Day . After Eloise's nap I picked her up and thought her lips were a little blue and she was using her tummy muscles to breath. My immediate thoughts were chest infection. I phoned the out of hours GP , he said take Eloise to A/E and he'd phone ahead to let them know she was coming. Off I went leaving dad with Leah, thinking worse case scenario admitted for intravenous antibiotics on the medical ward for a day of two. 

     Eloise was triaged on arrival normal heart rate and oxygen saturations, seen by a Dr and sent for a chest x-Ray. Off we went to the x-Ray department totally unaware of what they'd find. After the X-Ray was taken we returned to cubicle 1 in A/E , after a few minutes I could hear Drs talking and I heard the words cardiomyopathy, being a nurse and having spent 4.5 years working on a paediatric cardiology / surgical ward I knew what this meant. The A/E Consultant came to see me and said a Cardiology consultant was coming to see Eloise as she had a problem with her heart. I was already thinking transplant at this point or death. I just knew this was a crap diagnosis with poor outcome.

        

 She was echoed by the cardiology consultant I remember him explaining how severe her heart failure was and how critically ill she was but in a medical way that as a parent went way over my head. Too technical, too clinical and no compassion, I almost thought he sounded excited. I started to faint then I was in such shock. I had to get hold of S who was working away( London I think ) and my parents.  Things moved briskly then as bloods were needed and a cannula but Eloise was so shut down , it wasn't happening. They couldn't even get a intra Ossis needle into her shin bone ( she has little scars). In the end it was decided she needed to be transferred to PICU for cannulation etc. As she was at risk of cardiac arrest . We carefully moved her to PICU . I had to leave her while they tried to stabilise her and get lines in and drugs running etc. Then Dr M a cardiology consultant ( he's still Eloise's consultant now ) came to see me and S he had to explain how sick she was and her chances of survival. Very hard to do anyway but even harder when you've worked together as colleagues. Her chances weren't good, the odds were against her.the next 24 house critical to her future survival, she had a clot in her heart that could break off and cause brain damage.  He also said sedating her and getting her on a ventilator would be a critical time for her and she could die at that point. Advising we saw her before that happened. He carried on discussing her care with us then went back on to the unit to oversee her care. Eventually around 10pm we were allowed to see her, she was now on a ventilator, luckily that had gone smoothly as we'd never said our goodbyes. She was on many infusions, catheterised and wired up to lots of monitoring. The thing I hated the most was the cooling mat. My warm baby felt like a cold dead slab of meat.

  I couldn't go home,I could not bear seeing her empty room and cot. I was drained emotionally and physically but I couldn't leave her. I spent a few hours resting in the quiet room, hoping my baby would survive the night.

(This Polaroid was actually taken in Newcastle I just have 3 of them , I didn't want pictures of Eloise like this incase they were the last ones I had of her )

This dying baby had been in nursery the day before, how the hell could this nightmare be happening ? It felt like an out of body experience at times, like I was viewing it happening to some one else, like watching an episode of Casualty I suppose. At this point we didn't know the origin of Eloise's cardiomyopathy, whether it was from a genetic fault. Head was a complete mess, stomach sick to the pit and heart aching with pain for my baby. My little girl who had looked so full of life at the weekend. 

  

Nice things have happened on this day since, but it's still a painful anniversary, a time for reflection , a time of looking how far Eloise has come and a celebration of all the good hospital care that's kept her alive over the last 12 years. Thank goodness for the NHS, medical and surgical advances and donor families. This winning combination had kept my girl alive and with me today.  But this day really belongs as a testament to the excellent staff of Bristol Children's A/E and PICU without them on the 23/05/2002 things could have been so much worse. I could have lost Eloise .

So that's my day 23/05/2002 and here we are 12 years later. My baby is still here asleep in her bed in the bedroom next to mine ,still alive thanks to dedicated staff in Bristol Children's Hospital who kept her stable pre transplant. They also knew when she needed more then their levels of expertise and passed her care onto Newcastle at just the right time. Today in fact I fly to Newcastle with my friend K for the weekend, so that will be lovely. Xxx

Band Aid Baby

Amelia Rose Verrier Allen born at 5.33 am on the 22nd of May 2003, born to help heal my family. To stick us all back together again after a traumatic year. Hence the term Band-Aid baby .

My childhood dream was to have four children but I saw this as just being a dream. I had my two gorgeous little girls and had no immediate thought of extending my family. Also S would have said no, he'd not wanted children originally but changed his mind fairly early on in our relationship. I do know I wouldn't ever have signed up to a life without children. Most people have aspirational dreams when they are growing up as to what they want to be in life, I wanted to be a mummy ! 

   So there we are living the dream two perfect girls, good jobs, great lifestyle and we'd just moved into our dream family home, a four bedroomed detached Victorian House in a lovely road. Fast forward just 4 weeks and Eloise was fighting to stay alive. You know how that story went, I kept my little girl thanks to her wonderful donor family . But life post transplant comes at a price, that price being the tag life limited . I just couldn't get the survival statistics out of my head when we returned home with Eloise on the 16th July 2002. 10-15% of people do not survive the first year. I'm not sure where my positivity was at this point but I didn't think I'd have her in my life for long. I went into overdrive, got rid of all the hand me down clothes from Leah incase Eloise wasn't alive to grow into them, packed away toys etc. I hated the thought of her bedroom being empty like a shrine if she was no longer with me. The house was going to be too big. I also didn't want Leah to be left alone, an only child. She needed a sibling.

I'm not sure how my traumatised body and soul managed to get pregnant but I did almost immediately . The early weeks were fraught with worry. I felt so ill, wondered what the hell I'd done.I had to travel backwards and forwards to Great Ormond street with Eloise weekly then fortnightly originally. Carrying her a pushchair and our luggage on and off trains and into taxis . This carried on for my whole pregnancy , S never went. I remember bleeding in those early weeks and bargaining with "god" that he could take this baby from me if I could just have Eloise whole and well again. I cried every night, I wanted this baby but I wanted Eloise more. I knew Eloise she was real this baby was just a seed growing inside me at this stage. Well as we know the preganancy progressed, I soon felt well and had no complications.

During my pregnancy I went to occupational health as I was signed off for 6 months with stress. I never thought I'd be able to go back to work as a nurse. With the support of lovely friends and colleagues I did return to a new ward at 16 weeks pregnant , I cried often originally it was extremely tough, but it was only for a few months before I went on Maternity leave.  

With Leah and Eloise I didn't ask what sex they were, deciding I'd rather have a surprise. With preganancy number 3 I really wanted to know, needed to know. I wanted the baby to be a boy not a little girl to replace Eloise. So when I had my 20 week scan I asked. The baby of course was camera shy , legs firmly crossed.so gender remained a mystery, perhaps Millie planned that too ! Because as soon as your baby arrives you love them and thoughts of wanting a child of the opposite gender just depletes.

  Then at 33 weeks Millie decided she'd like to be born inpatient like Eloise who was born at 32 weeks. I had steroids to mature her lungs and medication to stop my labour. This resulted in a weeks stay and a few more hours of contractions ! Then almost as suddenly as it begun, things went quiet. It was another 6 weeks before Millie was born.

    At 3.50 am on the 22nd of May 2003 I was lying in bed reading, just couldn't settle , when there was a loud bang. It took a while to dawn on me what it was ! My waters had broken, I gingerly edged myself towards the side of the bed and walked cross legged to the ensuite toilet. The gush of fluid confirmed that indeed my waters had gone. I decided I wanted to freshen up so had a shower, defuzzed, moisturised and applied make up ! Popped on fresh pyjamas, I then woke up S who was oblivious to all the carry on . Phoned the hospital and made arrangements to come on in, S was going to get me a taxi we only life 5 minutes from the hospital. Then all of a sudden violent contractions starting coursing through my body almost knocking me off my feet. There was no way I could sit in a taxi with a strange man ! S did a mercy dash to the hospital and dropped me off at 5am. Good job we rushed as just 33 minutes later I had My baby in my arms.

   So that's how Millie came into my life, it's as if she knew not to arrive on my nemesis day the 23rd of May. I'll always be thankful she wasn't born on that hateful day. Now we are usually busy celebrating her life to worry about the day that I was told her big sister was dying. It also gave me a focus, I then had to think into the future a little, make some plans . As Eloise was still weak I needed a double pushchair etc. Also it gave other people something to talk about with me rather than Eloise and her transplant. It was a little bit of normality in the crazy world I'd been thrown into. 

I love the way my three daughters are all so different in looks, mannerisms and personality. Millie is my Diva, she loves to perform, basks in being the centre of attention. She's a girly girl , loves fashion jewellery and high heel shoes. Likes to dress up and look good. Millie loves to sing, she has a lovely voice but god how I wish she'd learn more than one verse of each song. Millie on repeat all day long isn't the best, we usually then get Leah telling her to shut up ! Millie and Leah clash, both quite strong personalities, perhaps they are the most similar. Eloise and Millie get on well they share a room, and often play together. I think Millie just tolerates Henry he pushed her out of position , he's now the baby of the family not her. I think that hurt more than we knew at the time, not that she doesn't get a lot of my time. She does we are always out together. In Spetember Millie starts secondary school, she's decided to have Amelia as her preferred name. It's going to take some getting used to for sure ! I've always called her Millie or Minnie :-) 

                                   

So Happy 11th Birthday to my gorgeous daughter Amelia, lots of love Mummy xxx

When Thank You isn't enough

" Thank You " just two small words that we say many times a day. We're taught to say them at an early age, to be polite when we receive something or if someone does something for us. The words work well in every day terms. 

What if someone saved your child's life or your life ? "Thank You" the words seem too small now, not enough to show your gratitude. Yet what's the alternative ? Lets narrow this down to a specific. Donor Families, how do you ever make them realise how much their selfless act means to you, your family , your friends ? For most recipient families I guess you don't , you may choose to write a card to the donor family but you'll never receive a reply . You'll never know if they are comforted that someone is alive because of their loved one. 

I know I felt such guilt that I kept my child against the odds after some virus tried it's hardest to destroy her heart. The other family weren't so lucky meningitis took their child from them. Yet when their World came crashing down and they felt the worse pain possible they thought of organ donation. Incredible isn't it, that a human struck down by tragedy thought of saving another family from going through the same . How do you write to them ? What do you say ? Big words are needed to show your gratitude but we only have those two small ones "Thank You"  to express ourselves with. I know I wanted to write something amazing , something that gave meaning to what I felt inside but words didn't flow. I cried blotting my writing in the note card I'd carefully chosen. I have no recollection regarding what I wrote, no idea at all .Further letters followed after this first one, more updates, photographs  and words of thanks as my daughter continued to thrive and grow. Those letters were appreciated, kept and reread. In fact they were read again this week. My letters now belong to another mother, they are treasured and kept with her baby daughters things in a memory box. I'm so glad I got to write them and I'm glad they helped in a tiny way to ease the pain. So perhaps "Thank You" did help.

                       

      I'm lucky after 9 years I received a letter back from R, a few more have followed since. For me it was so important that they had other children , the letters confirmed they did. Since then after we both followed the same Twitter Account in November we email regularly sometimes 3-4 times a day . Often we think of something and the other one pings an email, this happens frequently and is quite spooky . We share so much now, I can say "Thank You" whenever I want to , it no longer seems quite as small. I know how much she cares about Eloise and she thanks me for sharing all the ups and downs with her. I've been honest with her regarding post transplant life, I'd hate her to feel bereaved all over again if anything happened to Eloise. 

       

    So "Thank You" R for 11 incredible extra years you have given me with Eloise so far. We will continue to look after the gift of life you gave us. Always making sure Eloise lives life enough for two. "Thank You" for sparing me from the pain of losing a child. "Thank You" for being there for me back then and recently during Eloise's blips. " Thank You" for being my friend, a friendship against the odds, brought together by two gorgeous girls . Xxx

The Long Weekend

My weekend started nice and early .Thursday evening to be precise with a lovely catch up with my friends from City Socializer. If any of you are finding your friendship groups have changed and you want to go out more and meet new people I cannot recommend this enough. I'm a full member at £12 a month but it's money well spent just the price of a coffee out really isn't it ? Take a look https://www.citysocializer.com.

    Anyway back to me.....the evening started with a drink in The Birdcage a really quirky place think Vintage cafe come clothing shop, with live music and a drinks licence. Then we moved onto Europa an Italian restaurant , there were 10 of us, 6 ladies 4 men a good number for chatting. Most of us had the set menu. I enjoyed my Aubergine, ragu and mozzarella starter. I know quite adventurous for fussy old me ! Then Spaghetti and Meatballs also very nice. Most people went home then but I went to Number One Harbourside with K, W and J, more live music. I got home at 1am in the end.

        Friday meant a train trip to Cheltenham after the school drop off, didn't know if I'd get there so many train delays because of a broken down train. I got there on time and was met by L at the station. We had a wonder around a few market stalls then settled in Cafe Rouge with a large pit of Earl Grey, bliss. We then met J and ordered lunch, also adventurous for me Haddock, Pea and cheddar fish cakes, yum. The three of us chatted as if we'd known each other for years, it was really relaxed no awkward silences. It was a great afternoon and I'm sure we'll catch up again soon, how I love this positive side to social media. I meet some truly wonderful people because of it.  

     Friday night ahhhh yes I think my head may still be feeling it ! The City Socializer Posh Do, an evening with far too many, is that possible , cocktails ! Goldbrick House being our main haunt, arrived 

in time for Happy Hour fancy that ! 

                                  

I think I was the only lady not in a black dress, good why blend in ?!!!?. The men looked super smart in Dinner Jackets and bow ties. Lovely to chat , mingle and meet new people without music blasting out. My favourite cocktails were High Tea Fizz and Bramble, god they were strong. Our CS host had negotiated another Happy Hour for us as well ! 1am we moved onto Be At One another Cocktail Bar, music is now blaring out, witnessed plenty of dodgy moves OMG ! 

         Well getting home in the Morning resulted in me having 2 hours sleep ! Hello Saturday ! Bit dehydrated but otherwise I survived. Met a friend in the local cafe for tea and cake, always good to catch up and have a natter. I then popped into Broadmead for a bit of shopping. S had the children plus their friends he took them to Puxton Park. How lovely to get ready for another night out in peace. I enjoyed a lovely soak in the bath , bath bomb, music, candles the works. Must say it's not really dark enough to set the mood for relaxation but I tried. 

    Went out for a meal with L and her neighbour M , managed just the one Strawberry and Lime Cider with my meal. We then went to Hotel Du Vin, the ladies enjoyed more wine but I must admit to flagging so a lovely pot of Earl Grey for me ! I think the Cocktail price list put me off also £9-10 ! I left the girls to it and caught the bus home, an early one home in bed before midnight. This is what a wore, a lovely new Monsoon Frock, looks like a Cath Kidston print. I think this dress will be worn a lot this coming Summer, perfect for #FrockFriday 

      

                                        

Yesterday was the first Keep Sunday Special of the Summer. This meant lots of streets closed to traffic and lots of stalls, street entertainment etc. This weeks highlight was Park Street being turned into a giant Waterslide ! Had to see this, love Park Street, lovely shops, cafés , Museum, Art Gallery and restaurants oh and of course Cocktail Bars ! 

         

                         

The guy in the picture above is P with glasses is one of my friends from CS I'm still not sure how he blagged a go ! Only 360 tickets were allocated by lottery after 97,000 applied ! The slide was shorter than I imagined and not so fast, fun all the same though.

   The highlight of the afternoon has to be these guys Granny Turismo , if they are ever performing near you go and have a look. I found if so funny and a little intriguing, my friend Z was a little disturbed by "Mary " on the purple trolley.

http://www.grannyturismo.net/grannyturismo/granny_home.html

                         

                       

Went to the pub with Leah, Conor and Millie in the evening for our meal. S still had Eloise and Henry, he took them to the Cinema and TGI's.

     Bank Holiday Monday has been our Sunday, I was upset though in my confusion forgot no Sunday Brunch boys to get stuck in the kitchen with ! Roast Gammon lunch, bolognaise cooked for tomorrow and fairycakes iced this morning. All with the help of Millie. 

                    

                       

Then these little beauties have just come out of the oven . White chocolate chunk cookies and milk chocolate chip cookies. Very delicious warm with a good cup of Costa coffee from my Tassimo machine.

      

       

I would like to say it's now time to chill with my lovely babies but I'm in the basement and I can hear Millie and Henry fighting over a play station Lego game from here. Perhaps it's time to retreat to the bathroom again or pop my headphones on and zone out :-) 

Happy Families Xxxx