Eaten Alive

Eaten Alive

    

                                

Sometimes I feel like I'm being eaten up by memories, thoughts, fears and anxiety. Just little pieces at a time being picked away in my mind. Some days I just chew things over.  Not every day, some days pass in beautiful tranquility , also known to most as normality ! Then one little trigger and away we go into a spiral of thoughts, the cogs get turned, the brain floods and I'm where I don't want to be. There are two places I don't want to be too often, the past and the future. Of course I have many beautiful, happy memories of days I've lived and I'm sure many wonderful days are waiting to be enjoyed. But the present is my safe place, this moment and right now. I'm here and for this time I'm in control, sat writing with a cup of earl grey beside me, all very ordinary. I quite like ordinary.

           I can deal with "me" quite well, I know how I'm feeling and how to improve my mood. I can reduce my anxiety, I can process my fears, I can look through bad memories and talk about them at length without them reducing me to tears. I am my own therapy and I'm grateful for that. I don't think a stranger would get me, they'd never fix me and I don't wish to explain myself to anyone. I think when you've been through a traumatic time you are bound to have psychological scars and that's ok. I've not become hard, I remain very sensitive and I hope I continue to have empathy. I can't cry during a film or tv programme though, it's just a film not my reality . Is this strange ?   I do get sad sometimes, who wouldn't knowing what I know but I'm not depressed. I can still see the good in every day, even if I have to search for longer on occasion. I do feel cheated that part of my dream has been damaged along the way but I'm sure most of us feel we deserve better. Just money can't solve my problem. 

    This is a bit of a pointless I've said it all before blog post to read but I needed to tap out a few words and they were nibbling me ! I'm just cross at the whole you only get in life what you can deal with crap ! What a load of utter bollocks ! I'm angry how unfair everything is, thinking mainly health here not going into politics or finance. Thinking of my friends who have become prisoners because of ill health. They are stuck indoors, limited physically on a daily basis and just struggling to breathe. It is all fucked up, good people struck down by hideous conditions while others piss their lives up against a wall.....you know . How I wish life was fair, how I wish I could give my friends a day free of pain, freedom from their illness. I cannot imagine what it must be like every day battling with your body and being gentle with your mind and showing the world a smile. These people are an inspiration to me , thinking of two remarkable ladies in particular A and S. Thinking about such things made me angry last night, in a rage kind of anger with a torrent of swear words. Those who know me well know I struggle to show anger in this form, I know it's not a positive trait to have but I was actually pleased that I felt this way last night. The tears wouldn't have been for me and I'm sure no one needed my pity. 

        

    So there it's out there another parcel of my feelings to unwrap and analyse ! Love as always Bec X 

On the Verge of Uncertainty

 Always on the verge of uncertainty and a mental breakdown ! 

                      

    

Life continues to show me that it's full of uncertainty and there most certainly aren't any guarantees. Nothing , absolutely nothing can be taken for granted. The only problem is I've set my life up in such a way to enable me to cope with its demands as long as nothing changes. As long as no one throws a spanner in the works. Mentally I'm at top capacity , a slight nudge and I'm broken and tearful . I deal with quite a lot and for the most part I have a smile on my face. I'm generally happy and mainly optimistic. To make my life work well I have to be in control of it. I call the shots, I take on what I can manage, mentally and physically. 

        Sadly no one has told life to slow down and let me catch my breath. So it continues to twist , turn and even loop the loop. Even as I write this now I feel the need to exhale deeply. I can hear Sia singing " I'm still breathing" At the end of the day at the moment I have to remind myself of this wonderful fact ! I must hasten to add I can still think logically and I can still rationalise. I can deal with most things, maybe not on the day they happen but in the cold light of the next day when I've had time to think more clearly and less emotionally.  The way I cope with most things is by thinking is it replaceable , thankfully most things and a lot of people are ! Having gone through the darkest of days with Eloise I have been able to prioritise what is important . Not many things unless they are health driven are worth my worry . 

                    The problem with uncertainty for me is that I love a plan and I absolutely hate being in limbo. Despite being a Libra I like a decision to be made so I can learn to deal with it. Especially if it's not the outcome of my choice ! With uncertainty there is often a range of possible outcomes. This for me could mean having to deal with an outcome I haven't had chance to process in advance. It's hard to live with a future that's not clearly imagined, but I guess that shouldn't stop me dreaming of happily ever after ? 

While we are here in my safe place , can I ask if any of you cry when you are frustrated ? I just wish sometimes that I wasn't such an emotional person. I wish I could just talk and express my thoughts and feelings with out tears. I don't cry because I'm sad or depressed but that's what it must come across as. I seem to need some reverse kind of anger management ! Saying that I'm often quite angry with myself after one of these confrontations as I'll never get taken seriously if I'm a blubbering , snotty wreck ! 

                                     

    

      So I've had another week of ups and downs, a balanced life really. Actually many more good times than difficulties . We've had a few pieces of really good news as a family so that's just perfect. If I needed any reminder of how incredibly lucky I am it came this afternoon.  Ironically I'd just messaged my bud to say "how lucky am I " before logging onto FB and being greeted with the incredibly sad news that 3 year old Ivie had passed away whilst waiting for a heart transplant. There it was in a newspaper article a slap in the face , a jolt to stop me taking for granted all I have.

            Maybe rather than being afraid of the uncertainty I should embrace it, maybe some change would be a good thing.........with a little forward planning of course ! I am one of the luckiest people to have my Eloise and my three other awesome children. I have everything I need and in amongst all this uncertainty my love for them is certain to grow stronger every day.