25th September

             

                                   

Yesterday I celebrated my Birthday , I'm not one for making a fuss about my birthday. I'm grateful of course to be another year older, to be well and of course happy. 

                        

However yesterday was more of an event than normal. Such a stark contrast to last year when Eloise had a routine GOSH out patients appointment scheduled on my Birthday.

       Eloise had had her first rejection episode in June and had been successfully treated with IV methylpred and oral steroids. Her regular medication had been changed and all seemed good. She looked great, a little hamster chops but otherwise she felt great, the day before clinic she was doing Cross Country. So although I had the usual pre appointment tension I wasn't on high alert. It had potential to be a nice clinic, lots of families we know well were there too. So coffee and cake was planned to celebrate my Birthday. 

        Of course as soon as Eloise had her echo and Ecg it was a different story, low voltages, fluid around the heart ( pericardial effusion) and more worrying she was tamponading. Basically the fluid around her heart meant it couldn't beat effectively ! Yet even her consultant by examing her couldn't see any physical signs. This meant she needed to be admitted immediately for cardiac monitoring. Of course we had no belongings. In the end I bought her a few toiletries and a nightdress and made the decision to leave Eloise in Gosh and travel home. Hideous, just hideous, I hate her not being home, it's not right it frightens me but I had no choice. 

                                        

      I travelled home alone to be with the other children and pack up a bag with our belongings. I didn't feel like celebrating , even eating cake was wrong. Weirdly S who only sent me one bouquet of flowers during our marriage sent flowers but by the time we eventually returned home properly they were past their best. 

One year on , the day started with gifts and cards, including this lovely drawing by Henry of him with Warren and I carrying balloons. Warren is bald in the picture as according to Henry he has no hair......stop shaving it off Warren !!!!! 

      

I then spent the day in Town, Brunch in Debenhams with 3 of my lovely work ladies a breakfast baguette . We had a good matter and catch up. A Mooch around the shops , bought a couple of nice things in the Fat Face sale. Then Soho coffee for lunch with my friend E and her baby boy. I Chilled out after the school run, caught up with over 130 facebook messages , felt the love ! 

In the Evening once Warren arrived we had a Hotcha ( Chinese ) Takeaway , very yummy , followed by Cider and GU cheesecake. I bought the obligatory Colin the Caterpillar birthday cake for the children. Thought adding 45 candles to him might have broken his back ! Then I managed to sleep through most of Forrest Gump despite Warren's snoring , should have smothered him with a cushion ! So a pretty damned perfect birthday and I still have a purse full of money to spend and a meal out tomorrow night to look forward to , I think I shall have a Birthday long weekend to make up for all the rubbish ones and the one the Ex completely forgot ! 

                                       

          

                    My lovely four leafed clover Pandora charm from my Irish x

Sadly what I really wanted didn't happen, a lovely young lady I know was called into hospital for a potential Heart and Lung Transplant, she was prepped for surgery but sadly the heart wasn't good enough. She's been waiting so long I'm totally crushed for her. At the beginning of the year we guessed a date for her transplant my guess 25th September, I wished on my two Birthday candles as well. I'm hoping the right gift of life comes for her soon . I also wish for a gift of life for my friend Pineapple's son and for all those waiting to receive the organ transplants they desperately need. All we can do it continue to promote the organ donor register, to keep shouting until the majority sign up. #UnitedWeStand 

      

Miracles can happen, miracles do happen, mines asleep in the next room .Eloise had less than 24 hours to live when her transplant call came. I believe........

    

Moving On

         

Here I am 7.20am, not a bad nights sleep for me but I'm still an insomniac though not as severely as some of my FB friends I can see their middle of the night posts when I'm awake too. 

   Thought I'd take the opportunity to have some "me" time , please don't let this put you off reading but I'm currently in the bath. Just be thankful I don't blog via YouTube ! Candles are lit, scented bubble bath, Sam Smith is serenading me and I have that British answer to any psychological trauma with me a cup of tea. 

    Just felt I wanted to blog this Morning not entirely sure where this blog post will take us, think it's more unstructured than many of my previous postings ! But hopefully it will still be ok for you to read and for me it will serve a purpose. 

I've titled it "Moving On" I don't feel I look back at life that often, well obviously I have reflective moments because of the traumas I went through with Eloise, significant dates are tattooed into my brain but mainly I'm someone who lives in the present, enjoying every day as much as I can. Occasionally being brave and seeing a future too.

        

       

 I guess here I'm thinking of my relationship with S , I've never really looked back and thought what could I have done to have been a better wife so my husband didn't go off with another woman. I think when I discovered his affair it all made a little more sense, his rejection of me, his increased irritability and a fuller recycling box of beer cans. He was a guilty man. We'd never been that close to each other emotionally, I can express how I feel , he never could, never did, very much stiff upper lip. I guess as he never vocalised how he felt I kept quiet too, making do with less than the best from our relationship. Living a lie ? Possibly but my life wasn't an unhappy one but the happiness came from my four children, my home, my friends not from S but it was enough for me. Having him leave me, helped me be more me, this isn't really making sense but bear with me ! I felt free to express how I felt, I gathered strength, turned things around and made a positive life for my four children. I'm proud of myself and my family unit .

   So my family life moved on, it's relaxed , fun and we love each other so much, well for short periods, we aren't the Walton's ! 

     

My life ? Well that started evolving last year during Eloise's blips, I started going on Twitter a lot, I've  clocked up 23K tweets now. Rereading this is realise that's no achievement just time misspent ! I've met a few people I've become close to on there and even met in reality. Meeting new people in this way gave me confidence in myself as a woman. Part of the transformation was the beginning of #FrockFriday every Friday since the beginning of November I've worn a dress , this has been a positive thing , good to feel good about your appearance. I don't feel I'd ever let myself go and many of you know I'd never start a day without applying lipstick. The next step in this transformation was joining City Socializer in January, a fantastic way to meet like minded people for nights out. I've had some great nights out , lovely meals, nice cocktail bars and more important l've made new fabulous friends, friends for life. Again this has increased my confidence as I have to arrive into a room of strangers and engage with them, it's never been a problem. Then the last stage in this me moving on stage is Tinder ! It's nearly 2 whole months ( is that really all ? ) since I met Warren. We've fitted into each other's lives so well, well that's how it seems to me. It just seems natural. It's good to have a partner again, I will admit I struggle at times I'm very independant and I'm sure I'm not the easiest of people to understand, sorry Warren. I guess I spent 18 years of my adult life with a very different type of man , so I'll need to adjust. 

Yesterday I met 4 of Warren's work mates as it was a leaving do for one of them. We spent quite a few hours together visiting 3 pubs including the 6 of us being in a Games Room together. I did surrender and leave with Warren when they went for an Indian ! I may be wrong but for me it worked, they were my kind of people, all very nice guys, easy to talk to and have a laugh with. It was a huge surprise to hear that one of them had read this blog and was very complimentary, so thank you M for your kind words it really means a lot . I know that a lot of my #TransplantFamily read this as they can relate to it but knowing someone who I don't know enjoyed it too that's special. I felt comfortable and at ease yesterday. I never had that feeling when I met S's friends, I felt out of my league and uneducated , quite sad really. I guess that's why S is so happy now he's back in with his close circle of friends who never accepted me and is dating his best friend. Also in 18 years I never met S's work colleagues, never went to any of his work events. I know our children were younger then so babysitters would have been needed but to have been asked would have been good. Next weekend this meeting of friends will happen in reverse as Warren is coming out for a meal to celebrate my Besties birthday and to a Wedding Reception with me of one of my lovely work ladies. I know he'll be happy in their company too. S wouldn't have come, we wouldn't have even been invited as a couple to my friends meal as she'd know he'd not have come. This is so nice, it's good to have a sociable partner and be together amongst our friends. Guess we have some sort of Christmas party to organise here Warren ? 

      So there we go, the Divorce is in it's beginning stages, it's time to sort out the finances and move on. After nearly 3.5 years the time is right. So that's going to take some negotiating but it will be ok.

   Then there's my house my home, things are moving on here too, small projects, rooms to decorate myself , getting Sky, new TV , sorting out the garden, possibly making the front garden into a parking space, new radiators, rooms to get plastered. The list is pretty endless to be honest but it all seems more manageable now. I'm ready to make this house look stunning a good legacy for my family's future.

   Yes it's safe to say I'm moving on . Xxxx

 

Eloise's 14th Birthday

Happy 14th Birthday to my beautiful girl Eloise, I chose her name well it means Warrior Maiden. 

          

         

                                             Eloise with her Boofle, her present from Warren x

                                         

Eloise was born on the 7th September 2000 at 11.33am , born on a Thursday like all my daughters, poor things all have "far to go " Eloise was born at 32 weeks as my waters broke at work on the Sunday before. I never did find out a reason for her premature birth. Any way she was a healthy and a respectable 4lb 15oz and was discharged from hospital 11 days later. 

You're all familiar with her journey since, her heart transplant , her blips ! 

Today of course is a day of celebration my precious girl is 14, if she'd not received a transplant the only birthday we'd have celebrated was her first birthday . That's hard thinking like that. No donor, no birthdays just death. Of course Eloise was lucky in that respect because R donated her precious baby's heart and saved Eloise's life. 

So 13 extra birthdays ultimately because of organ donation , add in excellent hospital care, good Drs , pioneering procedures, new medications and my daughter's quiet determination you've got quite a strong team !  13 very special years but I want more, who doesn't ? 

So Today I cried and cried yes I know not my usual style !

                      

 Cried until I couldn't really speak and my nose was blocked, how do they cry so beautifully in the Movies ? 

        Warren had one soggy shoulder but as he said he does have another. Maybe I just needed to, actually my eyes still hold tears now. I'm happy of course I am but birthdays mean years passed , good normally I know but it's like a count down when you are given a life expectancy for your child. Another year closer to the end, but then thinking logically aren't we all ? That's called getting older ! But I fear my child will be denied the chance to get old, no adulthood, it's closer now of course than it was. She's a teenager and growing up to be a wonderful person. I want more years, I want her with me for ever. I'm angry that this might not be a possibility , hating the virus that destroyed life as it was. Yet at the same time I feel guilt, survivors guilt my daughter is still here, her donor isn't and we have lost many of our #transplantfamily over the last couple of years. Normal service will return, I'll bounce back, but Eloise's birthday does lead me to a short period of reflection. It was good to cry today in front of someone and feel safe to do so, not done that since I was in London with M in December. 

       So I'll give myself a shake, put my smile back on my face. Celebrate with my four beautiful children this Evening now that S and the Mother in Law have left us alone again. 5 is quite a magic number add in my +1 and I'm happy too. Oh and cake too, so it's going to be a good evening x

                                     

I will my gorgeous girl close and continue to love her every precious day as she's one special girl. Maybe she has taught me so much in her life and I'm a better person for it. Eloise xxxx