Chasing the clouds away

                    

As you all know on the 23rd May 2002 I experienced a traumatic event. Eloise being so acutely ill on a ventilator in paediatric intensive care, Eloise covered in tubes and wires, cannulas and lines that they've struggled to put into her shut down body. Eloise with little chance of survival. Eloise diagnosed with cardiomyopathy of unknown origin at this point. Life as I knew it ended on that day. That day left me feeling helpless and emotionally out of control. This psychological trauma left me with memories, flash backs, anxiety, but it also left me numb, I felt disconnected from people. It's taken many , many years for me to feel safe and for my pain to lessen. 

                   

The  years since I've been writing this blog have helped me enormously , this has been my self-help strategy and I've let you be my support. What happened to Eloise nearly broke me but it didn't, maybe the pieces of my life are now in a different order but that's ok. Even though I found others going through similar experiences online ;my transplant family; I still felt isolated from the rest of you. 

      As well as the emotional symptoms of shock, guilt, sadness etc I also experienced physical symptoms such as insomnia, being easily startled ( I remain quite jumpy !) and I can often feel agitated when I feel tense. These are no longer constant as time is indeed a great healer, these symptoms are mainly saved up for hospital appointments or specific dates. I know I shall continue to grieve what I lost, I know I'll continue to feel anger, I know if I screw up my eyes and think hard enough I can play back many traumatic conversations in film colour on the back of my eyelids. But this means the harder times are very infrequent now. I know life can change in the blink of an eye, I also know worrying about it won't change the outcome. I can be quite wise on occasion.

    The agitation and insomnia have been helped greatly by that evil known as exercise. I need my gym fix or a gentle swim. It calms me or allows a positive outlet for my anger. It's a good place for me, not a bad addiction either ! I listen to music and focus on myself, I don't give myself time for negativity. This is self care. I try and get between 7-8 hours sleep and I do manage that 95% off the time these days. The "loneliness"  has gone I feel by writing down how I feel I'm letting you all in, I'm no longer isolating myself. This is good, I don't want to sit in a circle and discuss how I'm feeling, I don't want 1-1 with a therapist I want the freedom to write when I need to. I know how to calm myself down, time out in the bathroom, candles, music and a book or just curled up along lost in a book. Books offer great escapes ! 

    I don't need my traumatic memories erased they are part of who I am now. However it's good that they are mainly at rest. I guess it's also about avoiding the triggers with me. So nemesis day I'm ready for you, eyes wide open so that'll stop you delivering any flashbacks !  Let's just have a "normal" day ! 

       

Realisation - a positive change.

Less than an hour ago I was sat in my kitchen looking at my iPad smiling to myself as a wonderful realisation swept over me. I’d forgotten the date, well I’ve been writing the date all day so I know it’s the 14th of May but I hadn’t realised it is the 23rd of May next week. I was sharing a link on my Facebook to the BBC documentary that’s on heart transplantation tonight so I wrote a little piece about my experience with Eloise. It was only then that I realised my nemesis day was so close !
                                          The 23rd of May has haunted me for many years, the day my world came crashing down as my precious Eloise was diagnosed with myocarditis and not expected to survive. The pain has eased over the past few years and I’ve stopped crying ! I never used to get through the day without a session of weeping , usually in private, usually into my pillow. Such a lonely time to be upset. People expect you to get over such events. You’re told or expected not to dwell on the past. You’re told that “time is a great healer” maybe it is but you remain scarred. Yes the event is in the past but I cannot switch off from it completely, it’s not a light switch. I’m sure many of my friends have heard these things or maybe even said them ?  You can’t just get over a trauma like this, you cannot just move on or forget it, you have to live with it and find peace. Life will never be the same again. Having pressure put on you just makes things more difficult, you have to work on your feelings in your own time and only when you are ready.

                              For me writing this blog has really helped, I can be honest, I can express myself, I can “talk” without fear of crying. I can explain how I’m feeling without anyone looking at me. I feel safe in here and writing this is my therapy. I’m talking to you and I feel you understand that what happened to me is important. Currently biting my nails........
             I know I won’t totally get over what happened to Eloise, I cannot forget what I saw, the flashbacks still happen, they are very vivid, imprinted in fine detail in my brain. But I can live with them. They show me what a fighter Eloise is, they show me how far she’s come, they remind me to believe in miracles, they remind me how precious and fragile life is. They are part of me now. My demons are getting tamer and I can let them out of the box in my head when I need to.
                            So 23rd May 2018, I guess I’m more than ready for you. A life changing day but you haven’t broken me yet.