Ache, I ache.......

ACHE

verb (used without object), ached, aching.

1.

to have or suffer a continuous, dull pain:

His whole body ached.

2.

to feel great sympathy, pity, or the like:

Her heart ached for the starving animals.

3.

to feel eager; yearn; long:

She ached to be the champion. He's just achingto get even.

noun

4.

a continuous, dull pain (in contrast to a sharp,sudden, or sporadic pain).

                      

  I ache.....

I ache, physically right now I have an ache or two, this is a conservative estimate , I'm discovering long lost muscles ! This can be explained by 3 good sessions at the gym, 2x 50 length swims and a heavy duty day in the garden all in a week. I feel the garden is in better shape than me , damned middle aged body, and the garden had only had one session so far...... A wall striped of a ton of evil ivy ! Next job getting the ivy pile disposed of ! 

                        

     

Note to self - * stop exchanging burnt off calories for treats then and just then you may actually see a result , as in weight loss not gain. You most definately cannot keep telling yourself that muscle weighs more than fat as muscular you're not ! 

     Physical aches and pains being dealt with warm bath with a relaxing bath bomb, a few pills, cup of tea, candle light and relaxation. 

                          

I ache......

I ache , mentally right now , my head feels full, so much whizzing around.

Manageable -  Stuff I can deal with, general parenting issues, who's where this week, appointments, after school activities, Henry's reading, Leah's trip, organising a repeat blood test for Eloise and who is bringing a friend home for tea !  

Sadness- losing a young girl in our Heart Transplant Families UK support group, sadly she passed away last month because of PTLD , do you know what that is ? I feel sad that I have to know, it's Post Transplant Lymphoproliferative Disorder , a lymphoma caused often by EBV Epstein-Barr Virus, you may be more familiar with this virus as one of the more common things it causes is Glandular Fever. Eloise had high levels of EBV for a while, hence the enlarged tonsils that later on needed removal. If caught early PTLD is treatable, treatment varying from the simple measure of lowering anti rejection meds, to chemo and radiotherapy.

http://www.nhs.uk/ipgmedia/national/lymphoma%20association/assets/lymphomasafterorgantransplantationla6pages.pdf

I ache with sadness for this young girls family, I wonder what if ? I'm sad that I have this worry for my Eloise and the rest of my #transplantfamily. It's back to that saying transplant is just the beginnnng you swap one set of medical problems for another, so bloody true. You've got to keep one eye on the ball. I'm very grateful to the young girl's mum for sharing her daughter's story with us all and raising awareness of this transplant complication.

Divorce- no major developments but I'm in limbo , as it's been in the news about divorce settlements I'm glad we've taken our time sorting out our financial agreement, but it's never far from my thoughts. I cannot make any major plans and do any of the work I need to do on my home until I know how my finances will be and how much more money the solicitor will drain out of me ! 

Work- NHS, busy, stress and I'll just leave it there, code of conduct and all that 😉

Study Day- my study day nemesis is snapping at my heels, Advanced Paediatric Life Support , hated on one level as the flashbacks I'm getting at night are quite vivid right now, words seem like they are being shouted, the equipment is staring me in the face. I see my child lifeless, cold and covered in tubes and wires, I'm watching monitors, I'm hearing their alarms, I'm watching the faces of the staff caring for her. I know I'll be able to deal with this safely and I will box it all away again. I can talk about everything that happened without breaking down. It's just tattooed into my brain ! Truth be told I hate role play and the dreaded scenarios much more these days so that in itself indicates progress ! 

                         

Dealing with my mental aches in the same way as my physical ones and actually doing the garden and swimming etc gave me time out from my jumbled thoughts .I'm too busy concentrating on whether its a weed I'm digging up or a prize shrub or whether I can lap the old lady "running" up and down the pool without knocking into the very slow splashy person doing backstroke. You've just got to laugh haven't you?  My mental aches aren't big ones, all will be calm (ish) again soon. Two days at work and one study day are all that stand in front of over two weeks off and a trip to Northern Ireland.  I can do this . 

I ache to feel relaxed , carefree and happy but is that something we lost during our childhood ? Xxx

Guilty - NO time to be sick !

     

       

It's been a month since I last blogged, I'm taking that as a good sign of a clear mind and an uneventful life ! This Evening I've returned once more to my place of sanctuary, the family bathroom. I'm accompanied by my usual support acts, candles, tea, Lush Bath bomb and soft music. The scene has been set for a chill out. 

          I'm not that agitated, just a few things on my mind brought about by my two weeks plus of being ill. 

I'll be honest I'm a terrible patient, I guess a typical nurse , I don't embrace the sick role therefore by carrying on I got worse. I find it very hard to give up caring for my family, I'm talking physically here as I never stop loving them . I feel guilty as their main ( read that as only useful ) parent . Poor Warren, it took a hell of a lot for him to convince me to rest, take a nap and do absolutely nothing. I found it incredibly hard that first weekend of the plague giving in to the virus and it's symptoms . Then Warren got ill so had to go home as coughing chorus wasn't conducive to sleep !  

       

                              

Then guilt trip number two my mum. I'd booked us tickets to see Wicked over a year in advance but the Evening before I was very unsure I'd be able to go as I felt so dreadful and hadn't left the house for four days. On hearing this mum wasn't happy and declared she'd not go either as she couldn't possibly go on her own.the thought of wasting over a hundred pounds galled me. So as you know I met her for lunch the next day and struggled through a very wonderful performance of Wicked. I kept getting hot and then clammy trying to suppress my cough so as to not annoy the other theatre goers. 

       More guilt when you have to bother your GP as you need a sick note, taking up a valuable appointment. Then them telling you they are worried about you, that your heart rate is too high, oxygen levels too low, they can hear your heart murmur, you're wheezy and to top it off you have your first ever chest infection. Which way does your guilt take you now, guilty of not taking care of yourself ? Guilty of not taking yourself to the Drs sooner ? 

Then there's work , the sick policy and the worry about breaching it but more importantly the guilt of letting your lovely colleagues down. 

      So there you are being sick is just one big guilt trip, not sure whether it's exacerbated by being a single mum ? But by feeling uneasy you never truly rest. Also family life goes on, parents evening, dentist, school runs and strangely enough you still need to feed the kids ! I'm also one of these people who cannot rest if the house is getting too messy, I'm no clean freak but all of my children dump their belongs everywhere and I need to assist them at regular intervals to repatriate said belongings ! I think if I didn't do that we'd end up on one of those TV programmes for hoarders. The hall being the favourite dumping ground ! 

Then there's the Ex totally oblivious in his other life, my feelings fluttered between jealousy and anger during my illness ! He's starting to trim the time he's sees the children, Friday Evening was the first casualty now Sunday is shrinking fast we've gone from him leaving at 5pm to 2pm. I appreciate he has a 3 hour journey and work the next day but seriously when do I get a break? What's frustrating me more is he's stopped getting them any lunch on a Sunday, any children that stay in the hotel with him get a cooked breakfast so in his mind they are no longer hungry ! So I'm left with having to provide them with a cooked meal in the Evening when I'd rather relax or I have to feed him as well. He's not doing this to be nasty, he's not like that he's just clueless ! 

         I guess when being ill you also question your own mortality and worry about your children living a life without you. I'm not taking this from a morbid perspective just a practical one. I need to write a will and stay alive until Leah's 18 years old ! I know she'll keep the family together and with guidance and support from a special set of people she'll be amazing. I just want them to keep living in Bristol and in their Family home. I just know S ( Ex) isn't up for the job, I think he'd agree that I'm not being harsh by saying this. Also I don't want my family to relocate to his town. Enough of that........I better get that Will written ! 

    Our financial settlement is dragging on , there will be less money to settle on after this as I've already paid my solicitor £1000 for a few letters, documents, phone calls etc. I was hoping to be divorced by the Summer but this isn't likely. As I won't divorce until the settlement is signed and sealed as I'm in a better position while still married. We've been separated for 4 years next month !!!! Having this hanging over me is making me a little twitchy. 

      My children continue to make me proud.  Great parents Evenings for all three girls, the Gingerlings is next week but he's moved up another stage in reading. Leah has left her job in Whsmiths and will soon start in Sainsburys 20 hours a week around her college hours. The man that interviewed her said she was a credit to herself. Eloise was amazing in her school play she's now rehearsing like crazy for her dance competition . I'll need to chase an appointment at Bristol kids with her cardiologist for next month but in herself she seems happy and well. 

          As for me, happy, well  children = happy me 😊

 Add in some love and support from my Irish , wonderful friends and a crazy family I'm lucky. I'll end with this picture I saw on one of my friends FB walls Today .