Fifteen years, how can it be that long ago yet remembered so vividly ? 15 years since the simplicity of my family life erupted and left a confusing, tangled and broken mess. A life full of fear for the future of my child. I think this anniversary is another big post transplant milestone to get to, after the initial survival statistics of 5-10 years they upgraded us to 10-15 years. So here we are, Eloise is here, an outwardly healthy 16 year old , she's taking her GCSEs like her peers right now and preparing for her prom. Life's pretty normal for her and that's good. So let's try and erase those statistics as they are detrimental to my mental wellbeing, anyway I think we may have upgraded Eloise to 20 years now !
I remember bringing Eloise home post transplant and crying so much. I saw no future at all. I couldn't look ahead, I even got rid of all of Leah's outgrown clothes as I didn't think Eloise would need them. A year after Amelia was born I put the girls in the same bedroom. I was still fearing the worse and I didn't want to deal with an empty bedroom. Then I didn't want to send Eloise to school, I didn't want to share her precious days. When other mothers cry as their children get older and move on from a class or a school I celebrate. Eloise has completed 12 years of school and I'm so very proud of her, she's a super human, she's very much herself and I love her. The future of Eloise's health will remain uncertain but we will do all we can to keep her heart happy and healthy. No more Gregg's Tours Eloise !!!!!
In so many ways I wish I could erase the 23rd of May from my memory. I think I'd like to forget about it and not have it on replay in my head. I used to think forgetting would help me overcome it. Now I know that such a pivotal life experience cannot be erased or truly forgotten about. I think all that's happened over time is I've been more open about how this date makes me feel, what I go through and how bloody hard it is for me. I think this has helped me to heal a little, last year was the first time I didn't cry on the day and I've also just got through my resuscitation training with minimal mental trauma and flashbacks. Healing from the wounds inflicted by a traumatic experience takes time, perseverance, faith that things will get better mentally and hope for a more settled mind. My memory can be such a monster.
Through writing this blog I have found myself a safe environment to let people know how I feel. I know when I need to write as part of "my therapy" the words start popping out and I feel the need to write them down. Afterwards I feel relieved and calmer. If I'm in control I feel protected . The same goes when I'm having a conversation with someone about Eloise and past events. I can talk freely and without getting upset or emotional. However if the other person suddenly pushes a trigger with no warning I can become quite choked with the need to fight my tears. This only really happens with strangers as I've surrounded myself with a safe social support network, through social media and in reality too. I am lucky that I have the right people by my side that allow me to express how I am feeling without judging me. They never feel I should be over this, as I won't ever be. These traumatic events have changed me for ever, but that's ok.
I have also developed skills for dealing with emotionally tough days. I usually need solitude on days like that. So I tend to lock myself in the bathroom, with music, candle light, Earl Grey tea and some luxurious bath products. These baths usually last between 1-2 hours but they help so much. My other source of therapy is the gym, I go through phases of detesting the place but I know it's done so much for me mentally. Hoping the flabby body starts to respond to the exercise soon !!!! Anger and frustration is safely dealt with, in fact on days when I feel this way I actually put much more effort into my gym session ! Focusing on my physical health and allowing "me time" has helped me mentally too and my dire sleeping habits have improved so much this year. I'm now sleeping for 7 hours a night and usually I get the magical 8 hours once a week, go me !
I now think it's perfectly alright to remember this day, it's part of my life history. It can't be ignored so is it better to talk about it freely ? I think so, it can never be swept away, so better to confront it. It's one day, so I think it's ok to give it my time and thought and think about what's happened since. I'll always grieve, what I lost was huge and I'll always feel guilty for feeling such grief as my child is alive. I think I've worked through quite a lot of the trauma in more recent years, I didn't believe in the whole "time is a great healer" thing but actually although I'm out of reach of being healed I've made progress. I'm proud of how far I've come, that's enough for now and probably forever.
I have grown into the woman I am now by getting through this traumatic experience and the days, weeks , months and years that have followed. I feel so much stronger, determined, empowered , resilient and independent . I think I've remained a compassionate soul, I hope so, as I do care. Despite the emotional trauma of living with a life limited child I am generally satisfied with my life and I have retained my realistic optimism.
So here we are are again 23rd May, let's do this..........❤️
