Without Tears.

I didn't cry......

                         

For the first time in fourteen years on the 9th-10th June I did not cry, not even one solitary tear. I wasn't just being brave , I just didn't feel sad or emotional. That's not to say I'm devoid of feeling, it just means I wasn't pained by the past. Of course next year I may sob uncontrollably but this is now and I stayed happy. I watched my brain play its usual transplant day flashbacks, the horror of watching Eloise in cardiac arrest with the team working on her. The arrival of her donated heart, conversations with the donor coordinator, saying goodbye to Eloise at the door of the theatre suite. I saw all of it vividly but it didn't crush me.

 I guess I know how the story progressed from that point and the twists and turns it's taken since. I also know the story hasn't  ended and there are many more pages of life in Eloise's book. Today I feel positive and I'll hold onto that feeling. The past cannot be removed and the future isn't certain but today is mine.

    I know people love to quote about time being a great healer, yes maybe it is but not for everything. I don't think it heals bereavement , I know Eloise is still alive but I still grieve for her heart . I suppose I have come out of the most difficult days as the first year post transplant was horrific .I haven't reached acceptance even though I didn't cry yesterday. Do I actually need to accept what happened ? Do I need to move on ? It's not like this blights my daily life, it just taints it a little on significant dates and hospital appointments. I think this is perfectly normal as we all have difficult days when we think we cannot handle anymore but we hold onto hope and the fact we've survived every day in our life so far! 

    I've just got to keep moving forward , most of us experience stressful events and difficult situations these things impact us in one way or another for the rest of our lives. You just have to try and turn things around, learn from them, become a stronger version of you. It's a fact of life that hard and sad times happen. So you have to remain positive and enjoy the good times and hope they always outweigh the bad. That is what gets me through, I know I have a good life with the right people in it. Over the last couple of years since writing this blog in January 2014 I've given myself opportunity to feel and process every thought and emotion. I have found writing to be a valuable outlet in expressing how I really feel. I buried my emotions for far too long , this blog is my safety net, my therapy. It's good for me to feel.

     I guess I didn't cry yesterday or Thursday because the sad times previously experienced made me appreciate the wonderful few days I've just had with the people I love. This is of course work in progress but isn't that the point ? 

Despite me liking to sometimes think otherwise I'm no Mary Poppins although I'm practically perfect 😉I'm not Dorothy although there is no place like home and I own those shoes 😉. In fact I'm not even Cinderella, I don't own those shoes but I still want my happily ever after......please ?

                      

     

Has Life changed Me ?

                                        

                                       

     

To those of you who have experienced a life changing event do you think you've changed as a person ? I've just been wondering again today how different I am from the woman I was 14 years ago. I know I'm older but not particularly wiser ! How different am I from the 2002 me, have I been shaped by the life events I have experienced because of Eloise's transplant. Is my temperament different ? I'll never know will I ? I just hope I'm the best me I can be. 

 Of course my outlook on life is different , it's all about being positive each day and making the most of what we have as a family. It's about making memories and enjoying new experiences. I've changed the way I look at everything around me, how I look at the other people in my life and how I see myself. It's helped me to prioritise what and who is important . It's made me more focused and determined to have the life I want for myself and my children. I think it's made me stronger, well at least tough on the outside but with a soft centre ! What choice is there but to carry on ? I just draw on the strength I've shown during my times in hell. I can't change the past but I can make sure   I enjoy every extra tomorrow I'm granted with Eloise

     My worries have changed, although I hate it when appliances break down, or receiving unexpected bills etc I can prioritise these problems and deal with them or I can phone for help ! I can rationalise these things and cope. They are in my control .......just. However my worries about Eloise often consume me. Her health is such a balancing act and we don't always achieve the balance. In fact she's ill at the minute this always seems to happen after a holiday or mini break. Such a shame that Eloise enjoying herself comes at a price.  Her future will always be uncertain because of her transplant and health issues. I know nothing in life is certain but worrying that you'll outlive your child isn't a normal worry for most people. I'm in an abnormal situation in a normal world. I do like being in control of my life but there is no way I can control Eloise's post transplant health so as they'd say in Frozen I need to "Let it Go."

    I said earlier that I have become stronger I guess that's because of the fighting I often have to do to get Eloise the best care. The follow up and medical input she needs. I seem to have to chase everybody to get appointments, letters, medications. Nothing happens as it should and communication between the Drs involved in her care is often sketchy. This applies also to her education and thankfully school is being a bit more supportive now. Take today Eloise should have taken her GCSE science practical exam which is worth 25% of the mark but she's been in bed all day. So school said she can take it tomorrow with another class or even Friday on her own. They can even reschedule it for another week and she can take as many breaks as she needs. I'm happy with this and feel they're meeting her needs. I'm glad I fought so hard to get her a medical care plan. I guess it's easy to easy to fight when you're passionate about something or someone !

       Really though we are being shaped and slowly transforming after every life event we experience. So none of us really know who we might have been if things had worked out differently. I'll just have to be satisfied with the me I am now, well until the next modification !