Strength

      

"You have to be strong" ever said those words either inside your head or to another ? 

Why do we feel the need to always be strong ? 

What is wrong with releasing our true feelings and emotions ?

 Does breaking down make us less of a person ? 

Is this the English stiff upper lip thing ? 

By being strong are we sacrificing our own mental health to make things easier for others ? 

      Just a ton of questions to which I don't have the answers for. There may not even be an answer or there might be multiple answers. It's all personal , all relevant to you and your situation. 

   I'd never label myself as strong, but a few people I know say I am. I just get through life in the best way I can, to get the best out of it. Things aren't always easy, I have worries and fears but I cannot let them control me and sap my happiness taking the enjoyment out of all the good in my life. Can't be unhappy when you've got 4 lovely children, a potentially beautiful home, lovely family and friends and a plentiful supply of tea and cake ! 

       

                                    

    

   Believe me I'm not strong , I don't feel I'm weak either just average. I just cannot let my feelings gush out all the time I'd probably drown ! That doesn't mean I'm blinkered it just means I'd built a dam to keep everything in . Then a couple of years ago when Eloise was ill the dam burst. I found the right person to talk to, the right support. What I had for so long resisted and avoided had caught up with me. Yet I felt no shame or embarrassment. I felt no anger with myself or disappointment in my supposed weakness. Instead of feeling defeated and vulnerable I felt free, lighter, more positive, it was a wonderful release, after I felt more at peace. So now when the feelings are building up I either have a little chat with someone close or close the bathroom door and write things down in this blog. You're my audience my sounding board, my therapy and it feels good. When things are bad I no longer feel alone or struggling. This blog is a great release.

                      

    

I guess when I was trying to be strong I was denying myself the feelings I needed . I wasn't allowing myself the freedom of being honest, I wasn't admitting that I needed support. I was worried about burdening others with my fears when many of my friends are going through their own hells. I know I'm always banging on about my heart transplant family but I guess it's what happened with Eloise that's given rise to many of my feelings. Actually it's very much ongoing, it's nearly appointment time and the last Gosh echo showed slight changes . First of all I was very worried but I was reassured by her consultants words "very good heart function"  Hoping she remains stable . I'm in self preservation mode at the minute, back to writing, baths, candles, music and hypnosis and I'm doing ok. I know you have to look at the test results and tweak treatments but you also have to look at Eloise and the amazing quality of life she has right now. I'm going to look at my happy smiling girl and be inspired. 

This picture was taken last week when Eloise wanted to know what was the point of lettuce....."it's just a leaf!"

                                    

I suppose too often, we build walls around ourselves in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges. We don't want to appear weak or worry our friends and family. I always want to protect those I love from the full truth if things aren't great. I guess we want to appear as people who don’t need anyone’s help, people who are getting by just fine, people who are strong enough to weather the storm on their own. But now I have opened up to you, you know the truth. I'm only human, and as I said in my last post we all have a breaking point......thank goodness for Elastoplast ! 

     I might have a strong shell but I have a soft middle, see I'm a Minstrel ! Mind you if I'm not alright all that you need to ask me if you're face to face with me is "are you alright?" then the lump in my throat grows and I'll cry ! You've been warned ! 

I'm so lucky to have so many beautiful people in my life ❤️

                                      

Breaking point? I'm only human.

I'm sure how much content this post will actually have or if it's worthy of being written but I'll start and see how things progress. This weekend I felt for an hour or so that I was at breaking point, I'd had enough of being strong since my marriage break up. Thankfully by talking things through some of the despair lifted. I felt like screaming like a toddler and shouting "Fuck You!" Not very lady like I know but sometimes cursing helps ! I guess I just want to share with those of you who think I'm strong, I'm not, not really maybe I just wing it better than some. Ahhh that's where Eloise's and Millie's acting talent comes from ! 

      As many of you know it's nearly 4.5 years since the break up of my marriage, well it's now a year since I consulted a solicitor as instructed by S to represent me and my best interests during our divorce and financial settlement proceedings. Well what an expensive year of going around in circles and jumping through hoops for both me and S. It's just been so bloody frustrating and time consuming. Well this week things nearly came to a head as we were both being pushed by our solicitors. We had both of them threatening mediation and court something we are determined to avoid. I feel they've driven our ideas for our financial agreement further apart, I guess they want to get more money out of us.  

     I appreciate my solicitor is trying to get what's best for me and that S's solicitor is defending this but it's threatening to destroy the relationship we still have. He's not my husband, my partner or even my friend but he's the father of my children and we remain a family. We can talk , laugh and go out with the children together occasionally. I got very upset on Saturday trying to discuss the latest letter from my solicitor and for the first time since the early months I cried in front of S . In fact I felt really odd and faint , S even offered to make me that cure for everything a cup of tea ! Im being honest now I've had enough, I'm at breaking point . The cynic in me will always wonder if that's what S's solicitor wanted , to squeeze the fight out of me. The nicer person buried deeply inside me would dismiss this thought. I don't need this extra stress in my life. I feel I manage my stress quite well and I cope but it would be very lovely to take this weight off my shoulders. 

         

        We need this sorted now, home life needs to move on , I need my financial independence so I can make changes and decisions regarding the up keep of our home etc. I feel all home improvements have been on hold in case I can't afford the work. I want security for myself and the children. S wants that for himself and his partner too. So we'll tie up the lose end, yes there's just the one sticking point.  Quite a big one I guess spousal maintenance , S's solicitor said none so mine got a bit carried away, I've no desire to bleed S dry ! I did explain to S my thoughts on this payment. He'd initially said once Henry was 11 I could work more hours, so no more spousal maintenance payments. Yes perhaps I could but I have to think of Eloise's needs and her health in the future . If I took on more hours and she became unwell again like she did for a year two years ago I'd find it hard to juggle the increased hours and not let my work colleagues down. I managed to stay afloat last time. I feel I'm better doing the hours I do now and adding in an extra bank shift if money's needed. I don't like thinking worse case scenario I cannot allow myself to be pessimistic but occasionally you have to be a realist , I may one day be Eloise's carer. However the optimist in me says she'll care for me ! I think I've given S a fair insight into how life can be . Funnily enough it's not all trips to the Cinema, bowling, crazy golf, boxes of Lego, Hotel stays and TGI Fridays ( well just every other weekend) 

  I started the year optimistic that this would be the year my divorce happened but now it's not so likely unless we get this moving super fast now. 

  

     Tonight we've made our financial settlement plan, it's no real surprise that it's not a lot different from our original thoughts . Copies will be sent to our solicitors , it's time for closure and new chapters to begin. I'm hoping for some relief once this is over. Looking forward.......