25th May (25/05/1996)

      

       

Today 19 years ago (25/05/1996) I got married to S after meeting almost three years previously in 1993. We met in a nightclub in Exeter, Warehouse and Boxes, two areas playing different music. Every month the club held a night for emergency workers so I often went with my nursing buddies. S was down at the Waterfront with his work colleagues he was temporarily in Exeter for the Summer working on a project for South West water. We met because someone gave him a free ticket. We danced a little together and chatted and that was it. Fast forward another month, another emergency services night and we met again. He'd been trying to find me for a month, this time we exchanged contact details. I was actually dating someone at the time, nothing serious though as I was leaving Exeter in 3 months. Off to Brighton to do my paediatric nursing training. I must then admit to two timing, best to keep your options open , right ? However my previous boyfriend then started talking of leaving Exeter, his job and his property and move with me, eeeccckkk panic ! So that was the end of my "double life" S and I spent a great Summer together enjoying the surrounding beaches and nightlife, we even went to Menorca together before I moved to Brighton. We continued to date and in 1994 we got engaged. 

      Strange to think under the circumstances how we got together, being in the right place at the right time ? If he'd not been given a nightclub ticket we'd never have met. Also factor in his decision to return to the venue one month on and the fact I was there and not working. Fate ? 

     Obviously things never worked out in the end, as a couple no Happy Ever After but that's not to say life isn't good for us both. Perhaps we never should have married, such different type of people, from our backgrounds, to our education and beliefs but look at those amazing four creatures we produced and tell me they shouldn't be here. I love them so deeply, children in my opinion are the best gift anyone can have and S gave me four of them. 

                                       

    

Today is a strange one, I'm going to be spending my ex Wedding Anniversary with Warren in Exeter, we'll probably go down to the Waterfront. Warren has never been to Exeter, I'll show him where I spent 4 happy years of my life over the next 3 days.

 My youngest 3 children are in Eastbourne with S and yesterday he took them to Brighton where I spent an amazing 18 months. I doubt he took them to the hospital where he proposed to me after getting in a fight while drunk and having his head glassed ! To add to the situation the children have spent the weekend at S's house where he lives with J the "Best Woman" at our Wedding.  It's weird how life turns out. This time last year I'd never have thought I'd be dating an Irish man, or any guy for that matter ! 

                                    

So let's see where I am next year. Divorced I hope, god it's dragging on and on , solicitors are money drainers for sure ! I hope to host a party, a celebration not because I'm divorced that's no achievement but a new beginnings party. 

      

Here it is again 23/05 !

Nemesis Day

       

I did contemplate not writing a post for the 23/05/2015, it's just a re run of the post I wrote last year, same old, same old. But that's just it isn't it ? That's what I want you to understand nothing, just nothing dulls the pain of that day for me. Not even the passing of thirteen years and the fact Eloise is sleeping in the next room because she got a heart transplant in time. I'll always remember the day she was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and the night she wasn't likely to survive. 

          I'm sat here feeling it right now , the memories hurt me . I'm actually crying, not sobbing just trickling tears onto my cheeks. They fall effortlessly . I'd like the day to just go away, it changed me, it changed my daughter, it changed my outlook on life,  it changed our future. To some extent that day controls me. It will never go away, it will always haunt me. Flashbacks to that day are so vivid, feelings from that day still wash over me, conversations easily replayed, just hell. 

         That day was always going to happen,  I just didn't know the damage hand, foot and mouth virus was doing to Eloise internally she was a ticking time bomb . I guess I was "lucky" spotting those very late signs of heart failure otherwise she would have died in her sleep. I guess my call to our GP also helped save her by getting us to A/E. Then the Dr who ordered a chest X-ray played their part, soon to be followed by the cardiologist who echoed her and diagnosed her. Then the anaesthetist who had the hard task of stabilising her and intubating her. The medics who eventually managed to cannulate her shut down veins and start her on inotropes. The intensive care team who finely tuned her care to try to stabilise her. The nurses who held me up as I was falling apart and cared for my baby so carefully . Just everyone who played their part on that day did it so well and it was enough to keep Eloise's fragile hold on life. I know that having an amazing paediatric hospital on my doorstep saved my baby on that god damn awful day. I don't think she would have survived being transferred from another centre.

   I'm just going to let the day pass, it leads onto better days .

 I guess my emotions are running a little high as Today S is collecting the 3 youngest children to go camping so I'll not see Eloise, Millie and Henry for a week. He's never had them for this length of time, it's only been 4 nights before down in Devon. This time they're going to his house in Eastbourne for 3 nights as well as the camping and I'll freely admit I don't like it ! I'm going to miss them so much, the house will seem too empty without them, a glimpse into the future and a preview of empty nest syndrome ? Also I think this will be too much for Eloise, she was hospitalised with pneumonia after last years trip with S and on antibiotics in October after transplant camp. I think she just gets so exhausted as she needs lots of sleep ! Then she becomes run down and catches an illness. When I took her to Ireland I was very mindful of this and we let her have rest days and lie ins to she stayed well. I just hope  the weather is favourable too ! 

     So a bit of a double blow , I'll be gentle on myself , go for a swim and a jacuzzi, do some colouring in or maybe not ! I'll just relax as much as I can. Tomorrow is another day. 

       

            

All Change ? (A weighty issue)

   Bit of a different direction for this blog post as I'm being brave and focusing on myself. So please be kind ! Not that I'm that nice to myself at times , why are we our own worse critics ? Why do we self sabotage everything that we do in life ? No wonder my self esteem isn't always that great . Note to self stop beating yourself up !!!!!

  

Ok here goes, weight, or more precisely being overweight . I've probably been overweight my whole adult life but this is where being tall has its benefits. Any weight gain takes its time to show up to others. I think most people who know me would be shocked if they knew how much I actually weighed. So I usually get " you're not fat " but that's not true, I do carry around excess weight.  I've never gone up and down in size of clothes in my wardrobe, my dresses are a 14 or 16, shirts and coats 16, sweatshirts XL and jeans if I can get any to fit my arse and thighs are also a 16. Yet I have managed to squeeze an extra stone or two into these clothes over the past few years ! Last time I had a BMI in range was 2000 after a successful few months at Slimming World ! Then I got pregnant with Eloise. On the whole though I have remained at an okish pretty stable overweight until the past couple of years when pounds have been added on and have been pretty stubborn to shift. As Henry is now six it's wrong to blame pregnancy !  Shockingly a month ago my BMI changed from being overweight to being obese. How worried did that make me feel ? Felt quite sick to be honest and ashamed. Pretty good wake up call though, wasn't great standing on the scales at the GP surgery when I had the Flu either ! 

      

     

 What do I blame ? Age is a favourite, now I'm in my mid 40's or maybe the peri menopause , if we're sharing I only have a couple of light periods every year. Perhaps I'm getting heavier as I'm going to the gym and muscle is heavier than fat, right ? I know being in a relationship hasn't helped, more lovely meals out, more treats at home, dessert and eating man size portions ! But truly it's just down to one thing , food and my relationship with it. I do like to "treat" or reward myself. This is my you've been good all day and eaten well so have a treat this evening mentality or you've burnt 500 calories at the gym so replace them with something yummy like biscuits ! 

So I'm trying to re educate myself, it's not too late, I can turn this around, I don't have to keep my middle aged spread. This isn't how it has to be. Something has changed inside me over the past month and I actually feel ready to tackle my weight issue and I feel very positive. Let's just see if I  revisit this post in a couple of months and I'm succeeding then perhaps I'll be writing a wonderful positive update ! 

I've already decided I'm never going to make my children finish food. When they say they've had enough I won't force them to eat more (although of course I'd rather it wasn't the veg left uneaten ) They don't need to feel stuffed ! Food left uneaten isn't wasted. I find this harder when you eat out as you pay so much for a meal then not to eat it seems criminal , but it's not, stuffing food down your throat that you do not want or need that's just wrong. We always eat at the table so that's ok but perhaps we should switch the TV so we can concentrate on our food and each other ! I don't want my children to feel like I did as a child, I always felt big, quite sad really as looking back at photographs of myself I was totally fine as a child and teenager, just bigger than the average child as I was so much taller than my peers ! 

       

I guess I'm feeling brave enough to write this post as I'm doing ok , I have lost 15 lbs in 5 weeks , 10 of those in the last 3 weeks. Clothes are feeling loser, my eating habits are changing. I'm being mindful ! I'm drinking water when I can but its still not a favourite of mine ! 2-3 litres of fluid a day, yep I'm always in the loo ! Going to the gym seems easier, I'm feeling more motivated, clothes are fitting a bit better. Most importantly my arms are looking a little less beefy in my work uniform. I guess that was the decider I didn't want to be humiliated by having to ask for a bigger size ! Oh yes I'm back to being overweight instead of obese, always a plus ! So another two stone to go to make my BMI go just into range but I'll listen to my body and see what happens next. I'm excited and positive about my "weight loss journey" sounding a little American there ! I just want to take good care of my body, it's getting a little worn around the edges. I just want it to be the best it can be . 

  So what's the secret ? No diet, no pills, no increase in exercise, no slimming club just re education and knowing when I'm hungry. Actually my weight loss has cost me the sum of £4.99 in the form of an App. Not sure how or why I stumbled on this little golden nugget of information but I'm so glad I did. Not being on a diet is quite liberating ! I'm hypnotising myself slim , can't say I'd believe it either......😉

So let's hope when I go on holiday to Turkey in less than three months I don't look like a whale in my swimming costume . I don't want to be harpooned or released back into the wild. I'm not sure how long it will take me to achieve this much desired transformation but hey I didn't put all this weight on in just a few months. Slow and steady wins the race , I just hope I can stay focused, this will hopefully just be my new way of life . I'm looking forward to it. XxxxX