It's only 7 weeks since the last school holiday but I feel so ready for this break, life remains busy, the wheels continue to spin, the plates are just about being juggled in the air and I'm tired. So it's time to stand still and accept the moment. Take a look at life in it's crazy entirety . It's been a productive few weeks and they've been positive with mainly good news. Needing the whole roof sorted out wasn't in my spending plans but what's money over health ? Broken belongings can be fixed at a price, broken people not so easily ! I think the germs got me as I'm run down, exhausted, over extended, overwhelmed and ready to snap. I know my life looks pretty easy and up against other people's maybe it is, but there's only one of me to shoulder the load.
Sometimes I know I take on too much, I try to be everything to everyone and I try to achieve more than I can reasonably accomplish. There is only so much my body, mind and spirit can take. Hello insomnia my old friend, I had five weeks of sleeping really well but now I've been reunited with broken sleep as I've so much on my mind. I'm one of those people who likes to fix things whether it be people or objects. If I can't I struggle. So it's time to scream stop ! I need to give myself a good talking to , always capable of giving out sound advise but poor at listening to my own needs.
I need to cut myself some slack and pull back a little. Physically I need to get back into a good sleep pattern again as that felt good. I need to reunite with gym again as he makes me feel better physically and as a bonus mentally. Perhaps swimming would work for me right now. Also the sauna and steam room are good places to relax and concentrate on just breathing. Having a long hot bath with luxurious bubbles or a bath bomb helps my tired muscles and my ticking mind. I like to have a bath in the evening with just candles for light and some relaxing music playing. Maybe walk a bit more, obviously I walk over five and a half miles a day but I'm thinking walking on the downs, around the Zoo or a National Trust property.
Mentally I need to breathe ! Deep breathing to calm my mind. I find it easier to breathe outside so this is where going for a walk will help me. I need to chill out and give myself permission to watch a chick flick or trashy TV. To just sit there on the sofa under a blanket. I need to play , so a few days of making Lego, playing on the Wii, doing jigsaws etc should help there and I do love my Jellycat soft toys . Music, I need to blast out a few tunes, listen to same favourites and dance around the room. I need to feel carefree and in the moment rather than full of stress. I need to take time away from certain situations and people and concentrate on myself so that I'm refreshed for them . I just need to be.
Emotionally I need a release, I guess this is happening right now as I write. I usually come to this blog when I need to off load. I need to observe how I'm feeling, I'm good at interpreting how others are but not so great with myself. I'm sure that's the same with the majority of us? This is a tough one, I need to be proud of all I've done and who I am rather than always being dissatisfied with what I've not achieved. I'm my own worse critic and I self sabotage frequently. I need to cut some of the negativity about myself and concentrate on the good. I need to give myself permission to cry, actually this is quite easy for me, I cry quite a bit in private. Just because the tears flow, apparently chemicals and hormones are released to create a more relaxed and positive state of mind ! Who knew ? I only produce a red face, blotchy puffy eyes and endless snot !
Let's talk Facebook, how are you all finding it ? I think it's an amazing thing to keep in touch with friends and family close by . It's also helped me connect with other transplant families which is fabulous. However it's quite an emotional drain at times, it sucks you in and churns you around. When I scroll past it often makes me feel guilty but if I reply I get tons of notifications and I get distracted by that. I'm trying to find a balance between my reality and supporting the real Facebook friends and possibly deleting a few people. I don't like hurting people's feelings but I've never met these guys and I'm sure they've other people around them who can meet their emotional needs better than I can !
So Rebecca, I give you permission to nothing and not feel guilty. Time to recharge, refresh and reconnect with what's important. I usually resist doing nothing and I genuinely like being busy but am I doing these tasks to distract myself from thinking ? It can be scary to be left with your own thoughts and feelings can't it ? To sit there and feel the anxiety, the sadness, anger and worry swirl around you. The emotions you kept tethered seep out in a muddled mess. If you're doing nothing there is no way to divert your attention from them. But they need to be dealt with really so here goes.......if I let the worries out they can be replaced with good feelings instead, well that's the plan.
Next week, I'm going to do whatever I want, live for the moment and see where it takes me. No fixed schedule just freedom to spend quality time with my family. I think by releasing my need to feel busy I will get a lot of benefits in the long term. I'm looking forward to being more relaxed, less stressed, decreased tension in my body, increased focus and direction, improved connections with those who are important to me and a greater appreciation for all I have right now.
So here goes it's time to do nothing ! Wish me luck.
