Realising the resilience of the human race. Still, now, I think: ‘How did I get through that day?’ Being in the hospital after Warren’s first cardiac arrest, telling his family and friends he was critically ill and then dead plus normal day to day functioning that’s needed as a parent. Even on days like that your heart keeps beating, your lungs keep breathing and you carry on.
That it’s ok to talk about grief and death using whatever vocabulary is right for you. I choose not to use lost or passed when talking about death, I feel those terms can be confusing so I just use dead and death. It maybe harsh for others to hear but it’s how I wish to express myself. I also get no comfort from seeing white feathers, dragon flies and robins, I don’t want to be watched over and I find angels wings scary. However I like seeing robins as they remind me of visiting National Trust gardens. If something gives you comfort it’s right for you and I’d never mock someone’s beliefs for seeing something as a sign from their loved one. In return I think it’s ok to say it’s not for me.
Warren’s death made me reevaluate who I want to spend time with, some people walked out of my life, some faded away from me and others stepped up and became so important that I couldn’t imagine a time without their friendship. Then there are the treasures who’ve been there for all my tough times and have never faltered in being all I need them to be. I’ve also learnt I’m very happy to be single and not to be curious about dating apps like Tinder ever again !
I’ve learnt it’s ok to happy and to make plans. The pandemic put everything on hold, so I had plenty of time to sit quietly with my thoughts and memories of Warren. Now we think of him and his antics every now and then and there are little reminders of his presence in the house . It’s not sad as most things Warren got up to made you laugh and shake your head ! When I was with Warren we spent so much time in the country at hotels or visiting National Trust Properties now I’m back where my heart is happy visiting cities. I love being in London so much and Warren hated it! I’ve already got three more trips there planned for this year. I do think he’d have loved one of my new favourite places though Kew Gardens. I do cherish the adventures we had exploring new places and I’m grateful for the time we had, it’ll always be an important chapter. Another life event where I adapted and evolved as a person.
Since Warren’s death I feel more of a sense of urgency to do things I’ve wanted to do for years. The don’t dream it plan it mantra is a favourite at the moment. Next month I’ll complete my 50 things for my 50th list, I almost gave up on it after Warren’s death . In the end I adapted a couple of things and chose a couple of new ones. I think he’d be shocked that I’ve had so many things done to my house this year, I was brave ! I’ve started a new list Live Life Happy so I look forward to more adventures and making memories.
I’ll be honest what I find hard is once someone dies they are remembered for their good qualities, other parts seem to be erased. However in life people negotiate the ups and downs of relationships daily. It seems wrong to say anything negative about someone who is dead and they become a saint. Again I’d rather people were honest, no one is perfect and the imperfections add to the character. To me it keeps Warren more true to the person he was when alive. Yes Warren was a good man, caring, generous with his time, helpful, loving but he was also a great one for sulking , being grumpy and a liability……..I learnt tolerance and realised we both needed our own space especially when sleep was involved, he was a snoring night owl, I was an insomniac lark at the time ! Plus I’m practically tee total and Warren was at the other end of the spectrum.
I like Lois Tonkin’s 1996 Dr. Lois Tonkin, in her 1996 article Growing Around Grief: another way of looking at grief and recovery well worth a read. Basically the grief doesn’t shrink you slowly build life around it . I started off with keeping Mondays special every week as they were often a day Warren and I spent together , then we had a pandemic so that stopped for a while. Then as soon as I was able I made a lot of plans and I feel my life has expanded and I am spending more time with those whose company I enjoy, including my own company !
I sometimes wonder am I grieving as I should? I do also wonder if grieving during a pandemic when you’re focused on keeping those you love alive makes grieving different. Also we were initially all isolated from each other so it was easy to believe Warren was away at work or at his own house. It’s three years and I just remember the happy times Warren and I had , we had plenty of adventures, turns out for Warren it was a lifetimes worth . I don’t feel sad or upset for myself and I don’t cry. It’s just wrong when someone young dies, he was two years younger than me and age wise I’ve had five extra years of life than him. Any anger I have is over the fact he didn’t have more time to enjoy, he’d recently got a job he loved as our local community PCSO, he’d moved into a new house share and got himself a better car. Then he died. I do think things could have been different if he’d received more investigation into an episode of chest pain in November 2018 and had the correct follow up but I’ll never know.
Although I say I only remember the happy times, I’m lying in that I also remember vividly the day Warren died and the days after with his funeral in Ireland being horrific . Those days are currently playing in my head this morning, like a film at the back of my eyes. That’s traumatic events for you, they seem to have the ability to not fade very much and whole conversations are remembered. I also think the conversations where people have said completely the wrong thing also leave a deeper imprint. It took a year to find my peace from the aftermath of Warren’s death and how I was treated by certain people. Letting go is hard.
If you’re still here after reading all of that , thank you and well done. I hope to spend today reflecting on the five years worth of days spent with Warren that lead up to this horrible day in 2019. Celebrating his life and not his death, remembering him emerging from the bushes on our last holiday in Turkey as he’d fallen over extremely drunk by 10am ! That was Warren 💙
