Here we are 23rd May 2020 my nemesis day. The day Eloise went from appearing slightly unwell to ventilated with a 30% chance of surviving . The day I heard the words enlarged heart and cardiomyopathy. The day I faced every parents worst nightmare and started living it desperately hoping I’d wake up. The day which has haunted me ever since and given me so many flashbacks and what ifs. Until this year.
I woke up in the far too early hours of Thursday morning and calculated the date , ahhh yes the 21st of May as Friday is the 22nd Amelia’s birthday. My brain just left it there until I sluggishly got it thinking, if Friday was the 22nd, that meant Saturday was the 23rd. Tick, tick, tick which meant I had almost got to the 23rd of May and given it absolutely no thought. Usually in the weeks building up to the day I get more thoughtful, more flashbacks, more bad dreams, more unsettled and therefore the need for additional selfcare kicks in. The retreating to my bedroom, candle lit baths, leisurely walks , gym sessions, swimming, also the insomnia creeps in and the nightmares start up, but not this year. I guess this whole lockdown has been about selfcare but all I’ve needed is my hour or two of reading time and a few tea lights lit some evenings. I’ve rarely left the house during lockdown, not even bothering to go for a walk. Each year things have got easier I stopped crying on this day 4 years ago and that was a huge milestone ! I have just read my Facebook post from last year and I was still having intense recall of this day and it was difficult. My mind flooded with the conversations I had and heard on that day and visualising all the rooms I spent time in. This year yes I can bring all of that into focus but it hasn’t crept up on me I can choose to draw it out or not.
I think this year we are all fighting the same fear, the same enemy Covid-19 and yes Eloise is extremely vulnerable to the virus but most of us have someone we love in the vulnerable category, so this time we are all in the same storm. I know we are all in our own boats and we will be feeling this crisis in different ways but we are all at sea together. Strangely the leaking pipe caused me far more anxiety than the virus ! I hate broken things. I have been isolated both physically and mentally before. However this time around isolation is different as we have social media and many more ways to stay in touch. When Eloise was ill I was very isolated and lonely because of her diagnosis and prognosis so I just got on with it. I probably bottled far too much in until I started writing this blog 6 years ago. Then I created a safe outlet for my feelings. I’ve not written much in here recently as I’ve not needed to. I’ve found it easier to use Facebook as a way of expressing my grief since Warren’s death. Today it is 9 months since Warren died. So much has changed in the past year, it’s been difficult, challenging, sad, exhausting, but with so much to be grateful for. It’s weird to think a pandemic has made my grief easier, I’ve had no flashbacks so far which is good going. I know there is still time but I feel hopeful. I think the two months I’ve had off of work have helped me. I thought it would be awful with too much time to over think and grieve for Warren but it happened at the right time. I was emotionally exhausted but I couldn’t really see it or get off the wheel of life. My mind has now had a holiday and I feel refreshed. I’ve not felt sad, low or depressed , I’ve not cried or felt alone, just some tension has left my body and my mind is more settled. I’ve let what I cannot control regarding Warren’s death go. My days have been filled with simple pleasures, time with my family, reading and far too much cake. I’ve not done any video calls, or Zoom or anything of that nature and that too was the right decision for me.
So here I am on the 23rd May, 18 years on with my Warrior maiden Eloise and another virus is causing fear, disruption, uncertainty and grief to so many. I wonder how many people will now realise what is truly important in life, health and happiness and spending time with those we love. It really is that simple, it’s sad a virus had to remind us. Our lives were changed forever 18 years ago by a simple childhood virus and no I would never have chosen that to happen but it did and we have had to make every day of life count. I hope the lessons learnt from this period of time stay with us longer than the days we said we’d #bekind . People matter not things and the key workers truly have been heroes.
