Colour My World

How do you view me ? How do I view you ? 

                        

      

I'd like to think I'm a positive person, someone who can look on the bright side of things in almost all situations that life throws at me. Let's be honest she's thrown a lot at me over the years ! Bitch !!!!! I try to do my best as a human but stuff still goes wrong and things out of my control happen. It's just life. I think it's how you deal with whatever life throws at you is what matters , it's definitely what has ultimately changed me and helped me cope. If that's actually what I'm doing ?! 

                 There is always the temptation to see things in black and white and therefore assume the worst and to miss out on the positive things. It's easy to forget the good things as the mind fixates on the bad. This is what it would be like in my head if I let it, but I decided that I can't live like that. I can't live under a black rain cloud so I search for rainbows. If I'm really happy I sprinkle life with glitter and sparkle too ! Black doesn't really suit me and I'm too clumsy to wear white. I love colour and ultimately I like printed dresses and shirts. I love my bright clothes , whether they suit me is another matter. The fact I don't actually care is priceless. Reaching the age when you are comfortable being you is such a blessing. Who makes the clothing rules anyway ? 

                                      

      

                  I'm normal I do have anxieties and sometimes I feel they're drowning me but I have to surface from them and see what's around me. I think as I've coped so far with a few life changing events including the big one Eloise needing a heart transplant and the subsequent health challenges that brings , other things are more manageable even when going wrong. I know I'm lucky mentally to have not gone through any episodes of depression and even my sadness is manageable and short lived. I don't think my life gives me too much time to dwell or overthink. I like a busy schedule, I love plans and if all else fails I go to the gym. My days are never long in fact I could do with an extension.  Sadly though trying to grab that extra hour of time in the evening seems to lead to me having a very over active brain which in turn triggers my insomnia. I totally appreciate that financially I can afford my gym membership , cake habit and the plans that involve, meals out, theatre trips, cinema, NT and holidays. So I can add so much loveliness into my life, so much to enjoy around each corner. I'm now off work until Monday and I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with three out of four of my beautiful children. My mum is also coming to stay which is always wonderful, I'm sure we will shop and drink lots of tea. Plus I have a fabulous group of lovely , gorgeous, frock loving girlfriends to get dressed up with......this also usually involves shopping and eating ! 

     Sometimes I wonder how you view me ?  A happy, clappy smiling person, sickly sweet , oozing positivity but without a grasp of any reality ?

 Happy ✔️ what's the point in being miserable ?

 positive ✔️ the alternative isn't helpful and it's defeatist 

Sweet ✔️ because I eat so much sugar ! 

Realist ✔️ hell yes, life is short and precious and can be snatched away in a heart beat, I know because in my world it happens. 

Optimist ✔️ because without hope what is there ? 

I could spend every moment worrying about Eloise but I'd miss out on so much living and being a family. So as I've said before I reign my brain in and only look a short time ahead. Live for the moment and bank memories, posting far too many photographs along the way. No apologies ! I have to get things in perspective , I find by writing things down especially my worries it helps me analyse them. Sometimes we take life too seriously, actually I don't think I'm guilty of that . I'm often left wondering how I'm managing to parent four children when I don't feel like a grown up !  No answers needed......winging it is my speciality ! 

   I think I've had to accept there are things in life that I cannot change and I've had to let them go. Except moaning about the miserable weather.....I think that's a very British pastime though. I shall try and remember that no matter what, the sun is always shining above the clouds. Of course I moaned about it today......

Will try harder tomorrow

Will try harder tomorrow 

Will try harder tomorrow

Will try harder tomorrow       (Hush now tomorrow never comes )

      The way I cope with my difficulties, grief, mental exhaustion etc works for me. My in house care package for mental survival which includes the gym, candle light, music, cake, tea, bubble baths, solitude etc can recharge me. However I have to realise it's not my job to "fix" people. We are all different and maybe they don't want to be "fixed" Also I need to conserve energy for the little differences I can make to someone's day rather than trying to provide all the answers. If I can brighten part of a person's day I will as I can remember the early days after Eloise's  transplant I was isolated and sat alone in the dark as no one knew what to say to me. If all I can do is look someone in the eye and smile I will and also a hug goes a long way too. 

                                 

Staying Positive, Being Happy and Living.

   

       

To me being happy is a sign of success in life. I know I'm a positive and naturally optimistic person but I'm not sure I've always been. I think a few things that have happened to me and those that I love have ultimately changed my mindset. We all get caught up in the daily routine of life, we become worn out, overworked, bogged down and stressed. This can give us a negative outlook on life, but I find being a negative person sucks the joy out of living and this can also touch the lives of those around us. 

    As you know there have been some events in my life that could have broken me for ever. Take Eloise's transplant for example, I could have wasted the last 15 years being incredibly sorry, angry , upset, depressed etc. Off course these emotions filter past at intervals but I don't allow them to stay too long. I've chosen to react positively and I now enjoy every single day. What you see on social media is my life and it's bloody fantastic. Of course I still feel pain, I'm not numb and finding out yesterday that my transplant world had lost Andrew hit me hard. I cried and cried, a trip to the gym was no longer an option and it was replaced with a candle lit bath and time to reflect and compose. Tears continue to threaten this morning but I'll get up and put my lipstick on ready for this new day. Andrew would want us all to continue enjoying every extra day of life we are given. 

  I'll continue to try to see things and people in a positive light. It's not always an easy thing to do, it's hard turning negative emotions into positive ones sometimes. I think it's worth the effort to change your mindset though. 

One of the things I do is live in a "happy bubble" possibly called ignorance ! I've chosen to cut out as much negativity as I can so I can deal with my day to day life. I often take a break from listening to the news, if I'm finding it too much. I can't watch aggressive or violent programmes, even to the point I can't tolerate idiots arguing on The Apprentice. I have a low tolerance to noise so all the arguing on reality shows etc puts me on edge. I choose to turn off the TV, not read magazines, close down FaceBook during tedious arguments etc. As these things can effect my positive outlook. This is the same with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, sometimes I have to create a distance for a short time. As I find it hard when people are bringing each other down, I like to build them up. To be able to stay positive it is essential I have influences in my life that support me and lift me up instead of dragging me down. I think what you send out matters a lot. What you give others and how you treat them is what you'll get back (usually) so I like to spread positivity......sorry if it makes you nauseated ! 

Exercise has done a lot for my emotional health and happiness more so than my physical health but that's slow work in progress and I'm happier on the whole with my appearance. Body confidence is the key and that's a mindset I'm trying to get myself into. A good nights sleep also helps, in fact when I'm sad like last night I tend to go to sleep really early. I have to hide away as I've had enough for that day. When I have a lot of thoughts or I'm feeling pessimistic sleep or exercise have a big positive impact on how I feel. I always put my lipstick on in the morning ready to smile. Smiling is so important to me. A genuine smile reaches my eyes and it's a good thing. When I smile at someone I like to think I made them feel happier even if it's temporary., if they smile back that makes me happy. Just something so quick and simple to do.

   It's not always easy maintaining a positive outlook as life throws some horrendous things at you but I know remaining positive during tough times has been more constructive for me. My positive attitude has given me strength to keep going. I work hard and hope for better days when I'm going through a tough period in my life. Of course I don't force optimistic thinking on myself while I'm in emotional turmoil or shocked. I just give myself space and time to process my thoughts and feelings first.

I try to start my day in a positive way, lucky Instagram followers who eagerly await my #goodmorningpost  (joke) I think it just sets me up for the rest of my day. I always start the day with a few tunes picked for the day from Spotify, loving my time capsule of 90's music right now. As a result of having a potentially life limited child I live very much in the present moment it's easier that way. I can stay positive for a day at a time, looking too far ahead makes me scared and my worries increase. I find it easier to connect with the moment and give it my full attention, that's why the little things in life are so important to me.

  Just because I'm positive and often found in my happy bubble doesn't mean that I've lost touch with reality. I don't avoid dealing with the negative events in my life I just don't let them take over my mind or day to day living. I just choose to focus on the positive aspects in order to keep going. If I dwell too much on the past I will miss out on better days. As one of my transplant family said yesterday " Make Every Day Count" 

                             

      As Mary Poppins would say or sing "A Spoonful of Sugar helps the Medicine go down. In a most delightful way." 

To Andrew a true gent who helped me believe that I'm doing ok in life and gave me hope for Eloise's future. Fly high Sir. I will try to carry on being "practically perfect."