This week like many other 16 year olds across the country Eloise collected her GCSE results. Unlike many other mothers I wasn't worried or anxious and I slept well. I was excited that she'd achieved another milestone that had once seemed very unlikely. Of course I'm proud that she achieved eight GCSE passes but those pieces of paper do not show the World who my child is and they won't define or stunt her potential. She's doing this life business in her own way and her track record of coping, over coming and achieving is inspiring.
I have to be honest it took many, many, many years to come to terms with what happened to Eloise and how potentially fragile her life is . But the situation we found ourselves in wasn't going away it had to be in some way accepted. It had to become our version of normal. I prepared myself for the worse years ago, it's part of my crazy coping mechanism , it's how I deal with the future. When you're faced with something like your child needing a heart transplant it's ok to feel numb, it's ok to feel anger, disbelief, to be in denial and even feel a sense of injustice. Why my child ? This isn't fair, no it fucking isn't and it never will be but you can't lie around waiting for life to go back to how it was. It won't, it'll never be the same. I've had to recognise that life will never be the same but it doesn't need to be awful. I can't change what happened to Eloise , I've had to accept that to free myself to deal with the post transplant and general life challenges.
Sometimes life has to change and now I try to embrace those changes. It means an easier life for me . Going with the flow and creating a new normal. I'm a changed person anyway like I've said before. I don't feel I've lost my identity just reconnected with my old one from when I was young and had less fears.
I often feel fleetingly sad about the past, sometimes haunted and I am scared for the future. I also said just today to a friend " I'm tired of being fucking strong." I think it's ok for me to sometimes feel sorry for myself but then I look at my children and I bounce back. I'm sure I annoy many people with my happy quotes and my generally upbeat persona. Yep all, sparkles and shine, you know unicorns and all that ! But I find being grateful snaps me out of fear and self pity. You can find good in nearly every situation, even if it's tiny. Eloise having a transplant has also brought some amazing people into my life, some of the best friends . I'd never have met these guys otherwise. They will be there to celebrate the good times and drag me through the tough times. The most awful days of my life have taught me how to live the rest of my days. Life and each day is a gift. I've adapted, evolved and grown mentally . I never thought it would happen and I'd say it's taken 13 years but I do feel different now.
Keeping Eloise well is essential but making sure we are all happy is also a priority. It's that trendy word time "mindfulness" I do think it's the key along with positivity, optimism and hope. Please don't feel you have to go through such a traumatic and life threatening situation to remind yourself to live a happier life. I'm here to remind you ! I want you all to truly live and understand what's important. This is turning into a lecture, so I apologise but it's merely a collection of thoughts cascading from my head !
