"I'm fine"

                        

"I'm fine" syndrome. We are all equally as guilty of saying "I'm fine" when it's pretty obvious that we aren't . Someone asks us if we are ok we're clearly not but we bottle it and give the stock "I'm fine" answer.  Why do we go to such lengths to hide our feelings ? I guess we retreat into ourselves as we fear opening up will make things worse. I know if I don't hold it together sometimes when asked if I'm ok I'll cry, the flood gates will open and I'll be a blubbering mess. You can also guarantee this will be in public ! A lot of us deny our true feelings from coming to the surface because we are protecting our friends and loved ones from our emotional pain. I know I used to shut down a lot , isolate myself, go quiet just self preservation mode really. Now I've learnt it's good to share and this blog has given me the security to be open and honest with you. Is it because we don't want to look vulnerable ? Vulnerability isn't weakness.

    Emotional pain really hurts, you can feel worthless or unworthy for feeling it, it makes you feel rejected, not listened too or even invisible. You can feel embarrassed and guilty for feeling such emotion then you often feel weak too. Why do we have this fixation with being strong? Where does it get us ? We build ourselves up to fail. I think we hide our emotional fragility from others because letting them see it exposes us. I think we fear they'll see us as weak and that we will lose their respect. I think we also fear being labelled too sensitive, that if we do express our true feelings others will belittle them and we will feel worse for not coping. Why do we fear showing how we truly feel? Why can't we show a vulnerable side? It's not pathetic to lose control of your emotions yet many of us feel it is. 

      

   

    I think I can say a lot of us put the feelings of others before our own. We protect them from as much as we can. Afraid that if we open up we may hurt them, so we become unwilling to take the chance. I felt like this, until it all got too much I couldn't live up to others expectations of me. I felt like a fraud , I was masked basically. The turning point came 4.5 years ago when Eloise had her reaction episodes, I just couldn't hide anymore . Outwardly I needed to appear strong for her but I needed an outlet for my feelings before they lost control and drowned me. Hence the writing started, this is my safety net. Emotionally I've come a long way, I'm mainly at peace, I'm definitely honest with you all and I'm free.

      

      It's ok to not be ok. We should release our emotional pain. Having feelings isn't abnormal, you aren't useless or foolish. I think we fear the responses of others if we open up, we don't trust them so we think we are safe guarding ourselves by saying nothing. What if we are all sat there saying nothing ? I just think go for it, explain how you are feeling to your loved ones, I think you'll be surprised how many others hide their true selfs too. No one can make you feel worse than you already do suffering in silence. We do need to stop our British "stiff upper lip" mentality. We are a stoical nation, sadly we put a lot on being strong but to me disclosing our vulnerability is a very courageous thing to do.

   If we want others to understand our emotional pain we need to express ourselves verbally. I do understand that not everyone is at the same level of sensitivity so you have to choose who you open up to initially. But I think if people become aware of our true feelings they will learn to adjust their responses . People need to learn empathy and support each other in life not bring someone crashing down. I think once you develop confidence you can find a safe way of expressing your emotional pain. Having feelings is an essential part of who we are, we need to let them out, all our feelings are valid despite how others may respond. Let's face it having sensitivity and feelings is what makes us humans.

                    

So goodbye 2017 you've been good to me and my family but 2018 I'm ready for you and the fresh hope that you bring. I hope 2018 is the turning point for many of you as I know a lot of my friends have had a difficult year. Let's continue to support each other just "Have Courage and be Kind."  Lots of love Bec xxx

     

Riches

Being Rich

                                    

Rich, I'll confess to having a bit of a blip at the start of the month and initially my thoughts were money focused . I was a little bit angry and quite upset about the lack of financial support my first born gets from her dad. Especially as he's just had a very extravagant wedding and has some long haul honeymoon plans. Obviously it's his money and he can choose how to spend it but it would be nice if he helped Leah out. As she's now 20 there hasn't been any maintenance for her for two years from him. She'll always remain my child and I'll help her as much as I can, it didn't stop when she became an "adult." I don't like feeling angry and unsettled so I'm very glad these frustrations were short lived and the anger dissipated safely in the gym ! 

I managed my thoughts by changing them from thinking of what I didn't have to being grateful for all I do. I have so much that money can never buy. My family, the people who will always love me, they'll stand by my side no matter what the circumstances are. My parents did a good job of raising me and I'm lucky to have had a good solid childhood. My four children keep me young, they transform me back to being a child again. Though there is some doubt over whether I ever truly grew up. How rich am I ? Children are so precious and to have four of them is a privilege .

                       

I have a small tight group of friends in reality, on FB I have many more ! My true friends are a select bunch, special chosen as they have the right qualities. I value them, they are always there for me. I like to be there for my friends too, kindness goes a long way. It's good to empower people you meet, showing them you care. Some of my friends I rarely see but we stay in contact and I know when we do meet up it'll be like we've never been apart. One of my friends I never see but we are in touch constantly and I'm grateful for the level of contact and understanding we have between us. How rich am I ? To have friends who totally understand you and accept you for who/what you are is precious. 

     I am content and happy with my life. I think true happiness comes from being grateful for what you have. Not being content with what you have leads to misery or greed. This goes for material things, lets face it even if you get "everything you ever dreamed of" it doesn't equate to happiness, because as humans we have a deeper need than to just have material things. For me I also think of Eloise's illness and transplant. I could destroy our happiness by constantly worrying about her future. I could get angry about the whole situation but it gets me nowhere.I can't live in the past as I'll lose out on living.  I have to remember how lucky I am that Eloise received a heart transplant. Others die waiting. I have to look back at the past 15 post transplant years and look at all the wonderful memories we have banked as a family. We have collected so many lifetime experiences while we can. So we do not have regrets when we are no longer able to. I think having a positive attitude towards life is key. I'm optimistic that being positive in the toughest of situations will bring happiness back to me, even if I have to be really patient, I guess this is hope. How rich am I ? There is no gift more precious than the gift of life. Life is a gift that cannot be bought so we must treasure it.

                               

   Work, if you'd told me this time last year that I'd be leaving my job at Bristol Childrens hospital in six months I'd never have believed you. Previously when things have been tough getting the hours I needed to fit around solo parenting four children I'd considered leaving nursing. However nursing isn't a job it's a passion , it's in your blood and I know nothing else. Nearly 29 years in the NHS cannot just be switched off. So here I am working at the dental hospital looking after children still but mainly in recovery. I have my career back, the one I chose all those years ago. I have passion again not pressure, I'm looking after children and not drowning in paperwork etc. I consider myself very fortunate to be continuing in nursing. I have met lots of people who are frustrated with their careers and life as they don't  know where there desires lie. How rich am I ? 

My life is valuable, I am rich and I appreciate all I have. Of course having money helps but essentially the amount of money doesn't bring greater happiness. I'm lucky to have enough to live well. I appreciate others aren't so fortunate. I like to have fun and to keep smiling, I like to add sparkle to the mediocre. You know me, I choose to be happy in my heart and my mind and I like to keep an optimistic view on life. Money cannot buy that. Maybe life should be measured by the level of satisfaction instead of the level of possessions ? How rich am I ? Thankfully most of the time I've hit the jackpot but of course I'm only human and I'll have the odd jealous tinge occasionally but I can soon remember all I have that cannot be bought.