23rd May 2002 the trauma began when Eloise was diagnosed with myocarditis and ventilated in Bristol Childrens intensive care unit. I chose not to deal with the pain of this happening by boxing it away inside my head. It worked ok, protecting myself and those around me. Occasionally the box lid would lift and the horrors of what I’d seen and heard played on a loop inside my head. Until I’d slam the lid down again. Then in 2013 I started to write my blog and that’s where I let everything spill out. All my words, my emotions, feelings, fear, sadness etc spewed out. I shared, I over shared and I started to heal. Yesterday the day was beautiful, bright blue sky, sunshine and a trip out to a show and dinner with my mum. Just a day, not a traumatic event, not a flashback just a new memory banked. I’d made it through unscathed.
I don’t think I’ve moved on from the experience as such or learnt anything from it, I’ve neutralised the pain. I’m still emotionally involved but I’ve processed some of the feelings around that day and slowly shifted my mindset. Time has faded the experience as new memories are made, the intensity of the pain I felt has diminished.
I have spoken many times on my need to stay in the present, I think this keeps me focused and living in the current moment. I’ll always have grief and I’m not sure reaching acceptance is ever a thing but I’m definitely more in control of the date now. I’m more protected and others have some sort of level of understanding for how I deal with things as I’ve been able to be more open. Therefore social support has helped me navigate my feelings but not dismissed how I feel.
The pressure in my internal black box is very manageable now. I’m not trying to push the lid down so my trauma isn’t continuing to grow. I’m not threatened by it, haunted or fighting to stop it overwhelming me. Yesterday I acknowledged the date, knew its significance but I didn’t go anywhere in my thoughts. The day just played out, it was a good day. When planning my dad’s funeral date my mum and I both acknowledged it couldn’t be on the 22nd of May Amelia’s birthday or the 23rd May . Like me my parents hadn’t forgotten the significance of the date.
Also because of my dad dying recently and all the time we’ve spent sharing memories of our time with him and planning his Celebration of Life send off, everything else has been put aside. We are dealing with another trauma and significant life event in the best way we can by spending time together and making sure mum is ok. Together we will get through this.
