Growing Up !

Don't grow up its a trap ! 

                            

I want to write welcome to adulthood but I'm not sure I'm there yet, although I guess I've been an adult for 25 years. Oh my goodness I'm shocked myself 25 years, what I'm 46 how did that happen ? It's bloody tough being grown up isn't it, harder than I imagined when I watched my parents being adults ! 

        I couldn't wait to be an adult for stupid reasons like eating a whole tub of ice-cream out of the pot and the fact I could stay up actually not not just up but out until all hours. How extravagant , how exciting, how free . I could set the rules and live by my own rules and it would be truly amazing.  Yes I did eat that tub of ice-cream until I reached nausea  and I most definitely stayed out all night because no one was waiting up worried about me.  I partied , got drunk (very and often) , went to nightclubs 3-4 times a week and wandered home on my own in the night, you know all that stuff that freaks us parents out. I met boys that would have been deemed unsuitable if viewed by the parents and it didn't matter. I was away from home. I was living my life and enjoying it. Then I settled down, got married , had a baby, and another, and another and then there were four ! 

    But now I'm here solo parenting and allegedly I've been a grown up for ages , it's not always fun is it ? It's not what I imagined and I think I fail at this grown up malarkey quite often . Which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't responsible for four children, poor things.  It's hard juggling everything, even harder on your own. I find it hard keeping everything and everybody afloat. Mind you I don't think I do so bad at the parenting stuff that's the easy bit. We have a lot of fun together, I like actually no I love our little unit. Having children has been an extension of my own childhood.  I like watching Disney Films, going to the Zoo, building Lego , playing Barbies none of that's a hardship. Being a fussy eater I even like the same food as my children, in fact their tastes are more exotic than mine. I do loathe the park, soft play and other such places frequented by other people and their children ! 

I'm always grown up and sensible regarding Eloise's health and transplant issues, I wouldn't take risks with her health or the other childrens. I do think hearing your child's life maybe limited changes your outlook and priorities. If you came to our house you'd see how much time and money it needs spending on it, poor old Victorian thing really needs some TLC but that's not fun. House maintenance and improving is a grown up thing, so how do I deal with it. I ignore it and we go to the cinema , the zoo or shopping instead ! Time is so precious.

The grown up things I don't really like doing - I don't like sorting out my money, the fear of logging into my online banking and not liking what I see, remembering to pay bills , hoping the Ex has paid me on time. Having money in my purse for all those unexpected things each week, like numerous collections at work . I'm lucky that I'm good with money, good at spending it too but I do save for the things I want like our Annual two weeks in the Sun. It's an expense but I value the quality family time and the chance to make memories with my children. I have hated how long it's taken to sort out my divorce, bloody solicitors sucking money out of us and causing friction . I'm actually looking forward to financial independence then I can make some long term plans......oh maybe not that sounds all too grown up. On a serious note I so must write a will , it's not something any of us want to think of, our own demise, but on this I need to be sensible. 

   Stupid one next , I hate putting the bin out. Well more I really bloody hate sorting out the recycling, it's all organised for a few days then it's all chucked in the cupboard which means a boring ten minutes on a Thursday sorting it out. I know it's bugger all time but hey my blog, my space to moan ! It's Thursday tomorrow.....sigh ! 

     Health, finding the time or being bothered to have your eyes checked, go to the dentist and Dr. Your sensible self knows it's important but time is precious and I'd rather spend it doing lovely things like eating cake. Also being a grown up even if you have a fear of the dentist you have to dig deep and be exceptionally brave so you don't put your fears onto your children. Thankfully it's just the hygienist I hate and I visit her when the children are in school. 

   Work - I never climbed the career ladder, not even one rung. Maybe I'm not grown up enough to take more responsibility or maybe I'm sensible and my priorities lie elsewhere. Also I feel I have to keep my stress levels low in as many aspects of my life as I can as . I cannot take my work home with me in my head the space is needed for other worries. 

    Commitments and friendships - now here is an area where I feel I have made progress and I'm fairly adult in my choices. I'm not scared of commitment but I also know I'm independent and capable of being on my own and that's refreshing. When I was young I had fairytale expectations of falling in love with Prince Charming , the man of my dreams and of course we lived happily ever after.......oh bugger we didn't ! My marriage wouldn't have featured in any Disney Movie, well not unless Tim Burton was directing ! Then I fell down the rabbit hole that is Tinder. However I like being on my own, I enjoy my space, my times of solitude. I guess I'm sociable on my terms ! Friendships have evolved, moved on or broken down, that's life. I've made new friendships with the right people , gaps have been filled and I feel lucky to have my special group of friends. I try not to be drawn into toxic relationships, in reality or Facebook, the later being harder even with the unfriend feature ! I don't feel I need to please other people, I don't need to be liked, my opinion is as important as the next persons and I don't need to be popular, so maybe I am beyond my teenage years ? 

                               

So I guess I've got a foot in both Worlds, one still in my childhood and one in adulthood, maybe that's the best way to be ? Life's meant to be enjoyed, we only get one go at it so why should it just be 18 years as a child and 70 as an adult ? That doesn't seem right to me. So here I am in my bedroom with my Cinderella Lego, my cabbage patch kids, my wicker pram from my childhood , my cuddly monkeys, my dancing Elmo and my Mary Poppins DVD etc. All mixed in with my grown up  paraphernalia. 

   

Social Media and Me.

Social Media and Me.

Today the 4th of February is Time to Talk Day helping to dispel the stigma of mental illness.  Mental health issues are common and we must not forget that as one in four of us will be affected by mental illness in one year. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not real. We all have mental health, and it's as important to keep our minds well as it is our bodies. So I hope you've all managed to have a conversation or two today in real life not just Social media land.

I'm lucky that I've managed (just) to keep my mind well. It's sometimes a struggle, today I can feel sadness creeping in, a lump in my throat and tears threatening as I've heard more sad news from my Facebook transplant World. It's been a tough few weeks in the outer circles of my transplant life. So here I am blogging, thinking of locking the bathroom door and lighting candles. All my coping mechanisms will be put into place to keep my mood stable and to aid my sleep this evening. I do often look back at certain times in my life and wonder how I made it through. It would be wrong to say unscathed as I know I have "issues." However on the whole I've been lucky , I've kept my smile and I've remained an optimist. 

    As well as Time to Change Day it's also Heart Awareness Month and today is World Cancer Day so my Facebook feed is full of posts on Congenital Heart Disease , Mental Health Issues, Cancer and the usual stupid animal film ! All have touched my life , well ok not the animal stuff !  I have a mild congenital heart defect, Eloise has acquired heart problems , I know people who have struggled with depression , I've lost people to suicide and my dad has had kidney and skin cancer. So to me the posts mean something but if your life hasn't been touched by any of it what is it like to be bombarded with such posts ? Irritating or enlightening, or are you just bloody relieved it hasn't happened to you ? There's no right or wrong answer.  It's hard getting a balance isn't it, as Facebook and other social media sites are great free platforms for sharing information and awareness to a wide and diverse audience. The Motherhood challenge was another such Facebook gem, being lazy I didn't join in but I'm glad as I have friends who never became mothers and I have friends who no longer have their precious children with them. Why would they want to be swamped by such posts, in such engulfing quantities. 

       This led to further thinking or over thinking. I over share my life. I shove loads of transplant stuff down your throats. I'm wondering how many of my Facebook friends have actually unfollowed me ?  Maybe I need to give it all a rest . I'm sure you don't care whether I'm in the gym, shopping or eating every single day of the week ! I need to shut up ! What the hell did I do pre social media ? Maybe I spoke to real people.....no probably not ! My house was probably cleaner ! Maybe I was just out living my life ? Again I think I need to find a balance or take up a lovely creative hobby to occupy my "spare" aka wasted time ! 

How many of you on my FB are my friends in reality , it's weird when you think about it as on the whole we've stumbled across each other through chains of friends, friend of a friend , of a friend. Or we share a similar interest , so on my FB , heart defects, transplant and being an older mother ! Most of us will never meet but we have a connection. Social media is all about acquaintance ! 

 All the support groups on Facebook are a positive as Members of these groups for example discuss their health conditions, share important information, and resources relevant to their conditions while creating strong support networks. I know I have gained so much because of  a support group or two, it's brought together a wonderful network of people. People who understand what I'm going through as they're travelling a similar path.  It's good not having to explain how I'm feeling to my transplant family. Knowing these people makes me happy we are united but at the same time we all feel each other's pain when things go wrong. Social media brought us all together and I cannot turn my back on it even when things are incredibly sad. I sometimes think of closing my account for a while and letting myself heal. But I can't really as I do feel useful and needed within my transplant community. I may sit back every now and then to regroup my thoughts and find the strength to help again. When Eloise isn't great or if she has an appointment I go AWOL, Twitter became my friend in 2013 as I found FB too much. I'm only human , we all are and I'm not immune to the sad news I often hear. 

                    

         

   So for me Facebook is great for keeping in contact with family, friends, old work colleagues as well as people with similar interests in my life mainly organ donation ! Sadly though in FB support groups or just on a page post I have also had to deal with the rudeness of strangers. Ignorance, arrogance, anger, and just about every other misdirected attitude someone could throw at me has happened on FB . In fact, it's probably worse than in reality as there is more anonymity and distance online, this gives people a false sense of courage. I've come in contact with some truly vile individuals , who have spat out their hatred and upset me greatly. Which then makes me angry because I'm letting them get me down yet they are nothing to me ! Ahhh the button to block an individual is a wonderful tool, my blocked list is quite extensive, I've angered many or been angered ! When will they invent such a thing for blocking difficult people in real life ?