Without Tears.

I didn't cry......

                         

For the first time in fourteen years on the 9th-10th June I did not cry, not even one solitary tear. I wasn't just being brave , I just didn't feel sad or emotional. That's not to say I'm devoid of feeling, it just means I wasn't pained by the past. Of course next year I may sob uncontrollably but this is now and I stayed happy. I watched my brain play its usual transplant day flashbacks, the horror of watching Eloise in cardiac arrest with the team working on her. The arrival of her donated heart, conversations with the donor coordinator, saying goodbye to Eloise at the door of the theatre suite. I saw all of it vividly but it didn't crush me.

 I guess I know how the story progressed from that point and the twists and turns it's taken since. I also know the story hasn't  ended and there are many more pages of life in Eloise's book. Today I feel positive and I'll hold onto that feeling. The past cannot be removed and the future isn't certain but today is mine.

    I know people love to quote about time being a great healer, yes maybe it is but not for everything. I don't think it heals bereavement , I know Eloise is still alive but I still grieve for her heart . I suppose I have come out of the most difficult days as the first year post transplant was horrific .I haven't reached acceptance even though I didn't cry yesterday. Do I actually need to accept what happened ? Do I need to move on ? It's not like this blights my daily life, it just taints it a little on significant dates and hospital appointments. I think this is perfectly normal as we all have difficult days when we think we cannot handle anymore but we hold onto hope and the fact we've survived every day in our life so far! 

    I've just got to keep moving forward , most of us experience stressful events and difficult situations these things impact us in one way or another for the rest of our lives. You just have to try and turn things around, learn from them, become a stronger version of you. It's a fact of life that hard and sad times happen. So you have to remain positive and enjoy the good times and hope they always outweigh the bad. That is what gets me through, I know I have a good life with the right people in it. Over the last couple of years since writing this blog in January 2014 I've given myself opportunity to feel and process every thought and emotion. I have found writing to be a valuable outlet in expressing how I really feel. I buried my emotions for far too long , this blog is my safety net, my therapy. It's good for me to feel.

     I guess I didn't cry yesterday or Thursday because the sad times previously experienced made me appreciate the wonderful few days I've just had with the people I love. This is of course work in progress but isn't that the point ? 

Despite me liking to sometimes think otherwise I'm no Mary Poppins although I'm practically perfect 😉I'm not Dorothy although there is no place like home and I own those shoes 😉. In fact I'm not even Cinderella, I don't own those shoes but I still want my happily ever after......please ?