Finding Peace

 Finding Peace.

It’s been a very long time since I used this blog, this is my first entry of the year. I don’t really need it any more. The words I felt unable to say and the feelings I felt I couldn’t share are out in the open now. I found my voice, a whisper at first but now my voice is steady. Writing things down enabled me to be more honest with myself and with you. I totally recommend writing as a self help therapy, I’ve read some of my posts over and over again. 

Today is the 23rd May , usually a date of huge significance to me, this year it’s taken it’s place in the calendar without causing me any pain. It became another day, a day I didn’t fear , a day without build up, a day without flashbacks or triggers. Just a date in the calendar saying one thing Hub Box 1pm , a lunch reservation for Amelia’s birthday. Of course I can sit here now and use recall to set the memories of the 23rd May 2002 into motion. I can play conversations from that day in my head, I can see room 1 in A/E, I can see paediatric intensive care and the “quiet” room. I remember the hushed conversations, the looks, the pity and how small Eloise looked lying ventilated in a cot......all of it is etched in my brain. However I can flick the switch, pop the lid on the box and feel at peace. I think the above quote sums up what I’ve finally managed to do. The day will never cease to exist it just won’t take my peace.

   We are now 19 years on from that date. The date is no longer important , it probably never was. I just fixated on it. 23/05/02 was the day Eloise’s myocarditis was diagnosed but silently her heart was being attacked by hand, foot and mouth virus for over a month until her body could no longer compensate and her heart failure became outwardly noticeable. I will have grief, I will have anger but if I get wrapped up in those things I’ll forget to enjoy what I still have ,my Eloise. Always grateful for every extra day I have ❤️