We're nearly at that significant date again and I cannot stop thinking of you. I think of you stood in intensive care looking at your baby . I've seen a picture of her now haven't I so that image is strong. I admire your strength, I always have but knowing now that you held Zara in your arms while they performed a lumbar puncture that wasn't to aid her diagnosis or prognosis but to allow her to become an organ donor I'm totally in awe of you. You stared at that monitor willing her not to flatline, knowing that would mean you couldn't donate her organs. How I too stared at monitors, listening to them alarming, looking at my daughter, looking to her nurse for reassurance. I too willed Eloise's heart to keep on beating. We were in parallel situations at the same time, both facing what no parent should ever go through. Our daughters were dying, sadly time ran out for Zara on the 9th June and she was diagnosed as brain stem dead . Time was running out for Eloise as well, the clock was ticking and drawing her nearer to needing ecmo, her condition was now critical. On the 8th of June Eloise had been listed on the Urgent Heart Transplant list and was at the top of the European list.
Late afternoon on the 9th of June 2002 we were called into a side room to talk to Eloise's cardiac surgeon, an organ donor had been found for Eloise. He carefully explained the heart wasn't a match blood group wise but he felt this was Eloise's last and only chance of a transplant. Of course I knew nothing of you or your baby right then Rebecca. I was shocked, scared, grateful, you know all those emotions rolled into one, a massive ball in the pit of my stomach. Then not long after on receiving an increased dose of sedation my baby arrested in intensive care. I willed her to live , I did not want the donor heart to go to waste. I did not want you to hear your daughters heart couldn't be used. I wanted Eloise to live, my fighter survived, she heard me. She was taken into theatre at 22pm, whilst there she suffered a further cardiac arrest. You daughters gift came at just the right time Rebecca. Eloise made it through the transplant and critical post operative period. It was a week later I think that I was told a few details about Zara, knowing her name helped me. I needed to see her as a real baby , knowing her as "just a donor" wasn't enough. That is when I wrote to you for the first time, it was so hard getting that right, I don't think I did , but I know you treasure it. To hear that you keep my letters safe with some of Zara's belongings meant a lot to me.
Your decision to donate Zara's heart saved Eloise, without you I would be in mourning too. I cannot say thank you enough, it's not enough, it never will be. You say it is, you are comforted knowing Eloise is happy and well . That's all I can give you isn't it, reassurance that we'll never take your gift, Zara's life for granted. We don't forget Zara, maybe it's Zara that looks out for Eloise, we all need a Guardian Angel . I hope you can see in the snippets of our life I share with you via email that Zara's heart came to the right little girl. I love my daughter so much and I'm immensely proud of the wonderful young woman she's growing up to be. I hope you are too, I want you to know her. One day you will both meet and I think you'll fall into each other's arms. Remember our meeting ? Prior to it we both confessed to not being touchy feely people yet we had to embrace and hug each other goodbye. It felt right, we'll always have a bond. Drawn together by tragedy and a miracle of life, Zara and Eloise ❤️
Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm thinking of all those treasured milestones I've witnessed and all those memories made over the past 13 years of Eloise's life. I gave Eloise life on the 7th September 2000 and you gave Eloise's life back to me on the 10th June 2002 by being incredibly brave and letting Zara become an organ donor. I guess I'm crying as you don't have what I've got an extra 13 years of memories, for Zara there was no first day at school, no family holidays , no getting a new pet, no sleepovers, no learning to swim, the list is endless. How I wish neither girl had got sick , no meningitis for Zara and no viral cardiomyopathy for Eloise, I can but dream, I expect you do to ? But the unthinkable happened, we faced every parents nightmare. You saved me from living my nightmares Rebecca. I know Eloise's future is uncertain, there is no guarantee she'll be here for as long as I want her to be but I'll live with that and treasure what I have, I have her here right now and for that I'm grateful.
You do realise how important you are to me? How I love it when an email pops up from you. I love the fact you never forget when Eloise has an appointment. I love how interested you are in her transplant, her medications, her tests etc. I'm honoured to have you in my life, you were so supportive when Eloise was having her rejection blips. I was so afraid to tell you, not wanting to upset you. But you were so happy I did tell you and you went and "researched " all you could about rejection and treatment etc, educating yourself ! It's the "nurse" that's inbuilt into us I do love a plan !
So Rebecca tomorrow is Zara's day, we shall remember her, light a candle and send up her heart balloon. I shall think of you dear lady as I'm sure your heart will be breaking all over again tomorrow. I'm sending you love by the bucket load.
Loads of love Bec x
Such a beautiful testimony of life.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words Penny, kind regards Bec x
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