So here I am another year older but no wiser ! I'm wondering when I'll feel "grown up" ? I look at my life and the responsibilities I have, my four dependant children, my home, my finances and my job etc and think how did I get here, I'm not old enough or adult enough for all of this ! Stupid I know I'm 46 now, creaking ( quite often ) nearer to 50 !
The number itself doesn't worry me, it's just that a number, I feel no different today than I did earlier in the week, I didn't suddenly age.....it's just a slow decline. Do you remember waking up on your birthday and looking in the mirror to see what you looked like another year older ? Being excited to see yourself at the ripe old age of 7. I can't say looking into a mirror thrills me these days, post make up not so traumatic, pre foundation scaffold quite horrific . There's something to be said about not putting my contact lenses in too soon, blurred reflection. I have just reached the going ever so slightly long sighted age, thankfully I can sort that out with varied focal contact lenses, phew. I love sunglasses but I'm not keen on glasses preferring the normal surround vision I get from my lenses.
I fear I will be one of those old ladies that falls over and breaks her hip, I think I trip up nearly every time I go out. I wonder if I was a child again whether I'd be diagnosed with dyspraxia ? I have always been clumsy. So maybe I should start some kind of calcium supplement ? I'll put that on my to do list, I often scan the bottles of vitamins and minerals in Boots then I walk away empty handed. Too confusing an array !
I don't think I have ever been one of those people with life goals, ie before I'm 25 I want to be engaged, by 27 married, first child before I'm 30 and so forth. So I've no idea where I thought I'd be at right now. I doubt I'd have said divorced, but then if you thought that you'd never bother getting married . Otherwise I guess life is in the right place. I expect I'd have thought I would have achieved more of a nursing carer. It's hard to know whether I gave up on career progression because of what happened to Eloise or if I never had it in me anyway. Perhaps a bit of both. I wonder if I should have chosen a different career pathway, I guess I was shoved into nursing post school work experience. Don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people and there have been plenty of rewarding times but now I'm unsure what to do next. It's when I think I've still got another 20 years to go, can I keep on nursing ? On the other hand I know nothing else I've been nursing since 1989. I have no other skills, some of them will be transferable skills I guess.
My life on the whole has been good, I'm sure if I didn't have the worry and the stress of Eloise's transplant I'd fret about something else. We all have worries don't we. Just with health it's pretty much out of your control, especially when there's no cure and treatment causes more issues. After never getting a cold while on azathioprine Eloise has had a few on MMF which is a shame. Like she said though a cold is better then rejection, such a wise child ! She's been off school for two days battling another virus, thankfully she's better now. I try to remain happy but it's a pretty constant worry with Eloise. She's not made my hair go grey yet , well the blonde is covering up the white.
How can I worry about getting older when it's something denied to many ? It's a privilege isn't it, every day a bonus. No one knows what's around the corner, if we did we'd probably sit back and give up. When you are confronted by a truly difficult situation head on you fight it, it's in everyone of us the passion to survive. So I'd better get a move on and prepare for battle. Today's battles should just be small ones......anyone want to take Henry shoe shopping ?
So true, re every day being a bonus. My dad died 25 years ago (cancer) and I still remember him telling me how knowing he was going to die made him want to live, even for just anothet minute, no matter in how much pain or how depressec he was, because being alive was so wonderful. Ever since, whenever I've had a problem, a worry, a loss or a health issue, I always imagine him saying to me "I wish I 'ad that problem!". Because having that problem means you are still alive to have problems, and it doesn't get any better than that. My mother has alzheimers and sometimes I worry I'll get it too, then I realise I'd quite like to get it, because that would mean I'd lived to old age. So many don't. Happy Birthday Bec, ps you are the same age as me but look a bloody sight better!
ReplyDeleteSo true, re every day being a bonus. My dad died 25 years ago (cancer) and I still remember him telling me how knowing he was going to die made him want to live, even for just anothet minute, no matter in how much pain or how depressec he was, because being alive was so wonderful. Ever since, whenever I've had a problem, a worry, a loss or a health issue, I always imagine him saying to me "I wish I 'ad that problem!". Because having that problem means you are still alive to have problems, and it doesn't get any better than that. My mother has alzheimers and sometimes I worry I'll get it too, then I realise I'd quite like to get it, because that would mean I'd lived to old age. So many don't. Happy Birthday Bec, ps you are the same age as me but look a bloody sight better!
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